Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140405 : vimarsana.

Gets you. And this week, we christians got some very special news. The search for the holy grail could be over. Two spanish historians say they have found the holy grail, a cup said to have been used by jesus during the last supper. They say it was hidden since the 11th century inside another ancient cup housed in a basilica in spain. Stephen they found the holy grail. And they know it dates back to jesus because the bottom reads, not dishwasher safe because it hasnt been invented yet. laughter , of course, every time someone finds the holy grail skeptics come out of the woodwork just because there are 200 supposed grails in europe alone. Thats not even counting the one lil jon found. Well, folks, as a man of faith, i believe these people are charletans because ive got the real holy grail. Behold cheers and applause i discovered it this morning at our neighborhood deli. Mere miles from the sacred ground of st. Patricks cathedral. It was entrusted to me by a mysterious middle eastern man. laughter if youre familiar with Robert Langdons symbological analyses, all the signs are right here. Okay. Look here, jimmy. The three beans signify the holy trinity the father, the son, and the holy roast. And the word cappuccino, clearly the sfght capuchin monks who hid the grail from the invading saracen armies in the 14th century. And the clincher that it belonged to christ is that i found some beard hair on the rim. laughter and i have no beard. Of course, theres only one way to be absolutely sure. We all know what happens to he who drinks from a false grail. screaming laughter stephen he chose not good. laughter here goes, here goes. Aarrgghh aaarrgghh that coffee is hot put im fine, so thats the grail. And i guess im going to live forever. cheers and applause . Now, nation, Everybody Knows im a huge fan of the five conservative justices on the supreme court. Theyre like a judicial version of one direction in that all their rulings go in one direction. laughter but two years ago, i was betrayed by the cute one, chief Justice John Roberts because in an act of judaprudence, he voted to uphold obamacare, and that broke my heart. And even worse, under obamacare, i am covered for cardiac breakage. laughter folks, ive got some good news. My boyfriends back. Breaking news on the supreme court, changing the rules again when it comes to campaign contributions. You can now give to as many candidates as you want. There is no limit on how much total money any individual person can spend. The courts majority opinion, written by the chief Justice John Roberts said money is speech and that you cant limit how much an individual person can spend. He said if the First Amendment can abide by flag burning, nazi parades, and protests at military funerals it can abide by people spending as much money as they want to support the candidates of their choices. Stephen well said Unlimited Campaign contributions are just as good as nazis. laughter now, the case in question is mccutcheon v. F. E. C. , and in a 54 decision, the courts eliminated the 123,200 cap on the total amount you can donate, which is great for all of us, if by us you mean the 591 people who gave the maximum allowable donation in 2012. And if youre not one of us, you really should be. laughter we have great parties, two of them. Folks, this is all about the freedom of speech. Aggregate caps unfairly limit how loud my cash could talk inspector the antiquated assumption giving politicians greasy paper bags full of money is somehow a corrupting influence. But Justice Roberts teaches Us Government regulation may not target the general gratitude a candidate may feel towards those who support him or the political access such support may afford. Ingratiation and access are not corruption. In fact, those things dont even have the appearance of corruption. Did you get that . Ingratiation and access are not corruption. So if you think legislators lining up to listen to megadonors like the Koch Brothers or george soros appears corrupt, good news john roberts has ruled you dont think that. Laug laughter now, roberts knows theres only one real type of corruption quid pro quo. Or the direct exchange of an official acts for money, and that is easy to proof, prove, as long as politics remember to hold on to their itemized corruption receipts. laughter the point is everyone in america should celebrate this ruling. Here not to celebrate this ruling is Legal Affairs editor for slate, emily bazelon. Emily, thanks so much for coming back to see us. applause isnt this wonderful news for oppressed minorities in the United States . Like rich people. Stephen yes. The 1 . Theres no minority smaller, and we are the ones who had our voices stifled by these Campaign Donation limitations. No, i dont think rich people are the ones who have had their voices stifled. We have plenty of influence of rich people in politics. Stephen not as much add wakd. That is what john roberts is saying, while we have influence not as much as we coltd possibly have. Right, but for you, the rich people, to have all the influence you could possibly have, are you going to leave rest of us with no influence because stephen you are free to have collective action. Get together or get rich. But we we stephen have you even thought about it . Not seriously. Stephen okay. We dont have enough money to compete so it would be so easy for candidates and parties to go to the few people who can quickly fund campaigns that theres no reason to raise money or really care about the views of everybody else. Stephen but, i think its better for america because lets say where do you live, connecticut . Yeah. Stephen okay, youre in connecticut, and in your district, youre supporting the candidate you like for congress. Okay. Stephen and lets say this person gets elected and youre represented in congress by that one person, all right . Yes. Stephen shell adelson living in las vegas gives money to his congressman and is represent bide them, and then he can give to every other congressman as well, and he is then represented in every district of america. Isnt that more democracy . No, because laughter my congresswoman woman should be representing the views of the people who live in her district, in my city. And the notion that you can have a few wellie people from all over the country who give to everyone and who are going to be incredibly courted by the insiders and the party, that will give them so much more power. Stephen you think thats corruption . Do you think that is corruption . I think that is corruption, because stephen youre wrong. John roberts said that doesnt appear like crums. John roberts definition of corruption is so narrow it has nothing to do with the real problems in our system. What is really a problem is all of this influence. Its not bribery, which is essentially all were left with and is very hard to prove. It is the way in which money shaims the positions that candidates take, even this those positions have nothing to do with what most americans believe should be the law. Stephen maybe john roberts has more faith in American People and billionaires like than you do. He has a lot more faith in emergency billaires than i do, but in Justice Breyers dissent you have the concern of all the other citizens of the country. When the framers were trying to figure out how the elections should work. There are writings how they wanted to make sure it was broadly distribute among the citizenry. Stephen the cap for primary and general election in everyone twoyear psyche cell 5200. I like what Justice Thomas had to say in his addendum to the decision, i assume. He said there shouldnt be any cap. Is he ahead of his time by which i mean about maybe one year . Proebl because now that the definition of corruption is so narrow that its only bribery, it will be relatively easy for the conservative justices, all five of them, to say that theres no legitimate rationale for congress to impose even the 5200 per candidate, per cycle limit. It does feel like that is around the corner. Stephen roberts says ingratiation is not corruption. Do you think ingratiation is corruption, or is it just enshrining the Constitutional Rights to good manners . I dont think ingratiation is the same as good manners. Stephen really . If someone gives me 1 million for my campaign air, little note would be nice. But a little note stephen and flowers and maybe e. P. A. Regulations being cut . I guess its the step from the flowers to the e. P. A. Regulation being cut that i worry about. Im all for the flowers . Emily, thank you very much for joining me. For joining [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa. [ jim ] mmmmm. So, hot. Whoo mmmmm. 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Was it worshipped by an ancient civilization . Its real paco. [ man laughs, monkey screeches ] actually, we just ran out of buns. So. [ male announcer ] applebees legendary quesadilla burger. An epic reason to see you tomorrow. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, if youre paying attention to the news, you know that america is in decline. We are circling the drain and our only hope is that were too fat to go down it. laughter and nobody knows that better than bill oreilly. During president obamas five years in Office Median income has dropped, individual americans are less secure. The job market remains sluggish. The country is weaker. Millions of americans are now looking for handouts. The u. S. A. Has lost its will to confront dangerous situations. Born out of wedlock. Poor, illeducated women. The Education System is corrupt. The cynical Entertainment Industry pedals garbage, crude behavior at sports areinas is tolerated. Stephen yes, crude behavior in sports arenas. So people are so impolite they refuse to even participate in the wave. laughter applause and applause oreilly knows oreilly knows the source of our decline. Why is our nation in decline . Tonight i can give you this equality is what is hurting president obama. The left has seized that word equality to push its progressive agenda. We have income equality. Marriage equality. Gender equality. And on and on and on. Stephen yes, income, marriage, gender, on and on and on. And yet those last three dont mean anything, but they dont mean anything equally. laughter applause and bill laid out why fighting for equality is pointless. Each human being is porn with abilities but they are not equal abilities. I will never have physical equality with my fellow irish man shaquille oneal. Hes bigger and stronger than i am by nature. I will never be as smart as einstein. As talented as moz arts. Or as kind as mother teresa. Stephen oh, come on, bill, that list is too modest. Youll also never be as fast as usain bolt, as emotionally mature as a toddler, or understand how tides work as well as a middle schooler. Youll never be as strong as a silverbacks gorilla, or be able to camouflage yourself as well as a flounder or hold a small sack of papers together as well as a binder clip or have the fuel efficiency and smooth handling of the 2014 toyota avalon. Oreillys logic is airtight. Some people are better at some things than other people are at that thing. So trying to achieve equality is unnatural. Take income inequality. Shaquille oneal is taller than bill oreilly. Therefore, the richest 1 of americans should control 40 of the nations wealth. laughter and bill is not quite as good looking as george clooney, so men should not be allowed to marry each other, not even bill and george which is too bad because the kids would be beautiful. laughter the point is if bill oreilly is no einstein and i think we can all agree hes not then equality is forever out of our reach. The truth is there will never be equality in this world. Its impossible, an opiumlaced dream. Stephen yes, i believe thats what dr. King was talking about in his i have an opiumlaced dream speech. Come on cheers and applause there arent any mountaintops on than chocolate, its an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. You are about to become very popular. Because when you buy the new Samsung Galaxy s5 on verizon, you get a second Samsung Galaxy s5 for free. So, who ya gonna give it to . Maybe your brother could use it to finally meet a girl. Your mom, but isnt your love reward enough . Its not. Maybe your roommate, i mean you pretty much share everything else. Hey. Your girlfriend. Just do not tell her it was free. Whoever you choose, youll both get the best devices on the number 1 ranked network. For best results, use verizon. So when my moderate to severe chronic plaque psoriasis them. Was also on display, id had it. I finally had a serious talk with my dermatologist. This time, he prescribed humiraadalimumab. Humira helps to clear the surface of my skin by actually working inside my body. In clinical trials, most adults with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis saw 75 skin clearance. And the majority of people were clear or almost clear in just 4 months. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma, or other types of cancer have happened. Blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening Heart Failure have occurred. Before starting humira, your doctor should test you for tb. Ask your doctor if you live in or have been to a region where certain fungal infections are common. Tell your doctor if you have had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have symptoms such as fever, fatigue, cough, or sores. You should not start humira if you have any kind of infection. Make the most of every moment. Ask your dermatologist about humira, today. Clearer skin is possible. [ male announcer ] good days start here when you wake up with mccafe. And now a small cup of our freshly brewed coffee is free through april 13th. Its another reason to love mccafe. Unwrap your paradise. Soft, sweet coconut covered. In rich, creamy chocolate. Almond joy and mounds. Unwrap paradise. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a National Security journalist who is critical of the c. I. A. s own warfare. I am hez at that point to sit next to him. Please welcome mark mazzetti. cheers and applause . Hey, mark, nice to see you. Thanks for coming back. Thank you. Stephen as i said youre a pulitzer prizewinning correspondent for the New York Times. Your book is called the way of the knife, now available in paperback and its about the c. I. A. , it being a secret army, and something called the war at the ends of the earth. What does that mean . Where is the end of the earth . laughter . A few places, many place. Stephen okay. The idea i wanted to capture in the book was that theres been some whole history post9 11 that hasnt been in iraq and hasnt been in afghanistan. Theres been this whole what i call the shadow war in places like pakistan andiem expep parts of africa where war is being waged outside of declared war zones and this is as much a part of the history of 2001 on than what happened in iraq and afghanistan. Stephen do you think the c. I. A. Is doing the right thing these days . Theyre now really more than ever a paramilitary organization. Stephen do you think thats a good idea . I think that theyre its good and bad. Stephen come on, pick a side. laughter grow a pair. I think theres problems when you have wars that are waged in secret without a lot of public accountability. Stephen okay, now who is responsible for the c. I. A. Becoming that way . Is it bush or obama . And ill tell you if i agree with you. Its actually both. Stephen both . Its actually both. Stephen then i cant make up my mind. Im with you. Its good and bad as you said. It started with bush, certainly since after 9 11, but its embraced by obama during the last five years. Theres a lot of continuity with the counterterrorism programs between bush and obama. Stephen petraeus, in one of those record that is came out when he was found out to be you know having a little somethingsomething on the side. In one of the recordings he said he wanted to be the head of the c. I. A. Because thats where the action was going to be militarily. Is this what he was talking about, that the c. I. A. Is doing a lot of military operations that are effective in the war on terror, the army is not allowed to do . Theyre doing paramilitary operations in places where the army is not allowed to go. Stephen are we at war with those places once were blowing stuff up there . Were in those places, sometimes not at war with those places. We were at war in pakistan but not necessarily at war with the government of pack stap. Were in war in yemen stephen thats threading a very narrow needle there. We are blowing up people in your country, but we like you. laughter . Right. Stephen okay, so theyre doing this mostly with drones, right . A lot of drones. There has been escalation of special Operations Missions around the globe in parts of africa. So not just the c. I. A. Its also parts of the pentagon that have sort of blended together over the years to do these kind of secret mission. Stephen the blowing stuff up with drones there was a lot of criticism and obama says hes not doing it anymore of strapping guys to tables and pouring water over their face or making them stand up for 36 hours or in a brightly lit room for seven days or Something Like that. But there doesnt seem to be a big public outcry about blowing them up real good in some place sandy and rocky. Why do you think the difference . I think there are Different Reasons for that. I think that some democrats have been less hesitant to criticize a democratic president about this. But theres also differences in, you know, warfare when you have someone in your custody, youre supposed to treat them humanely, versus a battlefield kill. This is the argument thats made stephen lets just never have them in our custody. Exactly. Stephen what does the way of the knife mean . It sounds like some short of kung fu or a new cooking show on the food network where they assassinate a rib roast. What is the way of the knife . It came from a speech john brennan gave several years ago contrasting the big wars in afghanistan and iraq calling it the hammer, saying the Obama Administration in these other wars uses a scalpel, and a scalpel is sort of a euphemism to imply something is without costs or consequences. So i used knife because knife fights are far less blooder. Stephen do you think theres any way waging these military actions in countries where there is not a declared war could ever come back to bite us in the ass . And if so, isnt that kind of a good thing because have you seen americas ass . It could use a couple of bites taken out of it. It certainly has that potential. Secret operations throughout history, theres blowback a lot of times. The sort of more you have operations carried out without a whole lot of public oversight or even internal governmental oversight, the more chance of things going wrong. So certainly one of the questions is how much of the of these operations radicalize people who werent previously disposed to these militants . And so thats something were going to have to Pay Attention to. Stephen are there things in the book truly revelations or are you a c. I. A. Operative working forlet New York Times telling us things to put off off the scent of the real things happening in the c. I. A. . Everything that i is in there is what i believe to be true, and what ive reported. Some reported in the past theres a lot of new information in the book. And as i said, its as much of a sort of history of this period as can be told when theres still a lot thats still classified. Lou stephen loud and clear. Mark, thank you so much. Mark mazzetti. The book is the way of the knife. Well be right back. cheers and applause pack of menthols. Its not enough. [ male announcer ] whats a pack of menthols cost . [ crunch ] your teeth. Smoking menthols or regular cigarettes can cause serious gum disease that makes you more likely to lose them. What are menthols costing you . Hey i like your ride. I just wanted to let you know. You can save a ton by switching to progressive, just like squirrel here. We offer great discounts, like responsible rider, paid in full, and homeowners. Making us number one in motorcycle insurance. Isnt this romantic. It was. Going the distance to save you more. Now, thats progressive. We just wanted to find out about your family plan. Help you . Sure, you get 10 gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text. And for a family of four, thats 160 dollars a month. Sounds great. Sounds like a slam dunk. Oh you a basketball fan . Yeah, i played a little. Hmmm, me too. Lily adams. Point guard. High school jv. Grant hill. Small forward. College and professional. Oh, good for you. Introducing our bestever family pricing. For instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk text, for 160 dollars a month. Only from at t turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. Brewed with topshelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. Yeah you always make me go. [ male announcer ] turn up your night, and make it platinum. [ tune resumes ] [ tune resumes ] ice cream ice cream its ice cream time anytime enjoy dunkins baskinrobbinsinspired iced coffee flavors. America runs on dunkin. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Man, good show tonight. Our guest legendary brazillan footballer pele. [cheers and applause] ill ask him how he feels about achieving his lifes goooooooooooooaaa sarksl [laughter] but first big campaign finance