Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140411 : vimarsana.

Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks so much. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, weve got to folks, i gotta tell you, one quick thing, one quick thing. I know weve got a big show to do tonight, but one thing before we get started, there was some big news last week that slipped through my news crack, and it concerns someone ive admired for years, and yet surprisingly is not me. Im talking about david letterman, who last thursday night announced his retirement. And i am going to miss this good man. Dave has been on the air my entire adult life, late night debuted my first year in college. I learned more from watching dave than i did from going to my classes. cheers and applause . Especially especially the ones i did not go to because i had stayed up until 1 30 watching dave. applause this man has influenced every host who came after him, and even a few who came before him. Hes that good. laughter and i gotta tell you, i do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair. cheers and applause Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen folks, folks, those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. laughter nation, wedding vows are supposed to last till death do us part, but with todays divorce rate, sadly, half of marriages dont end in death. This is Cheating Death with stephen t. Colbert, d. F. A. Yes, sir, wheres the pretty lady . laughter . Stephen depression edition. First up, folks, a disclaimer eye am not a medical doctor. I have an honorary doctorate in fine arts so i cant cure your blindness, but i can open your eyes to the grand minimalism of Richard Serras sculptures. As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott where malpractice makes malperfect. applause first next up, mental health. Folks, this country has a serious depression problem. According to the world health organization, nearly 20 of americans report an extended period of depression in their lifetime. While the other 80 insist that everything is okay. Shut up, daddys drinking. laughter applause , and, sure, there are treatments like prozac, paxil, and zoloft, but you cannot inject them into your face. Botox is the most popular cosmetic enhancement procedure in the country. A new Study Suggests botox could also be useful for a treatment option for depression. The thinking is frowning sends negative emotional signals to the brain so inhibiting the ability to frown would inhibit the negative emotions. Stephen folks, when i learned that botox can cure depression, you should have seen the expression on my face. Or any expression on the face of someone with botox. Cheering you up by killing your face works because there is a circuit between the brain and the muscles of facial expression, in which the brain monitors the emotional valence of the space faceand responds by generating the appropriate feeling. Well, of course, your face tells your brain how it feel. Your facebrain is much smarter than your skullbrain and you know thats true because my face just said it. This procedure is not only effective, folks. It is far less invasive than the previous cosmetic treatment for depression Reconstructive Surgery to turn that frown upside down. That guy looks happy. Folks, theres only one downside to this miraculous cure for depression botox can also make you feel depressed because you cannot smile properly. Which then could make you very sad, but fortunately, you can also no longer frown. But Prescott Pharmaceuticals knows that your emotional problems go well beyond just happiness and depression. Thats why prescott is proud to introduce vacsameh. Because why paralyze your face from showing emotions when you can paralyze the emotions themselves . Every syringe contains the same toxin as botox, but with an eightinch need theyll allows you to inject it directly into your brain. When you feel a tingling, that means its working. When you dont feel anything at all, that means it works. laughter side effects of vacsameh include search and seizures. Male pattern wald win, and hipster dysplasia, and vacsameh is 100 guaranteed to work, and when it doesnt, theres another solution in mental health. Because there is yet another cure for depression. Battling longterm depression, Oxford University researchers treated 38 people with the drug ketamine for more than three weeks. 30 saw their depressive symptoms lessen. Eight people reported feeling free of depression. Ketamine is also used as a horse tranquilizer cheers and applause . Stephen it makes sense. Folks applause it does make sense that you treat depression with a horse tranquilizer because every time i see a horse i say, why the long face . applause laughter hes on a suicide watch. laughter little men in silk pajamas get on his back and make him jump over sticking while whipping him. Its sad. And this veterinary drug isnt just used to animals, folks. Its also used on party animals. Ketamine is a general anesthetic often used by veterinarians. When tape in high doses at the club scene, users say they feel detached and almost hallucinate. Ketamine is also used at the drug scene as a party drug. We have some foot annual of the clinical trials. That that that was the control group. laughter now, according to the study, ketamine triggers the release of the neurotransmitter glutamate in the brain, which stimulates the growth of synapses that have been damaged by stress. Put in laymans terms, Oxford University researchers have determined that drugs make you feel good so you should take them, which is why prescott has repurposed its own liquid antidepression party medicatio medication vac daniels. cheers and applause . applause vacdaniels comes in this patented mahdi bottle, and is guaranteed to temporarily relieve depression, reduce social anxiety, and make you funny, brave, and sex, plus it makes other people seem more attractive. laughter simply administer vacdaniels using the customized bioindex. Hold up two fingers to the glass to find your proper dosage. applause for severe cases, drink more. laughter cheers and applause continue treatment with vacdaniels until the source of your stress goes away. Whether it be depression, your job, or your family. laughter side effects of vacdaniels include high wall objection bud light lyme disease, and depression. Well, brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck theres been a breach from the duck containment facility. Approach with caution. They have piranateeth. Until next time, ill see you [ male announcer ] the allnew Toyota Highlander has every amenity. Booooriiiing ah, ah, ah. Hit it, guys its got a bin for your chickens a computer from the future and some giant freaky room for eight ooh, yeah but it aint got no room for boring im spacing out on all this space, too no, we aint got no room for boring for boring, we aint got no room [ male announcer ] the allnew highlander. Toyota. Lets go places what . Toyota. Lets go places cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, if youre a longtime viewer of this show, you know that bill oreilly and i have a mutual appreciation society. I admire bill, and so does he. laughter and papa bear has been on a hot streak lately. Last week i praised him for taking on the far lefts obsession with equality. That was just the beginning of bills unified theory of why everything is going to hell. The grievance industry basically says america is not a fair nation, that the deck is stacked against minority, women, the poor, gays, atheists, muslims you name it. And the bad griez white males. The republican party. And anybody who doesnt buy into the grievance industry. Stephen now, you may not have heard of the grievance industry, but they are huge. laughter theyre the ones who manufacture the nations complaint boxes, those peeing calvins, and yahoo comments. So just when did the grievance Industrial Complex begin . Back in the late 1960s, the vietnam war caused a Huge Division in america. Millions of young people decided their tricountrywas wrong for fighting the war in southeast asia, so they launched massive demonstrations all across the u. S. A. , and built up a culture built on antiauthority that is, the man who had power was dad. To go along with the political strife, the Youth Culture embraced sex, drugs, and rock n roll, change the country from traditional attitudes to if it feels good, do it. Stephen yeah, man, lets defy authority and not go to vietnam. Because it feels good not to die in a rice paddy. Far out, daddyio, keep on trucking. Sock it to me. Get a job. Cut your hair you see, bill and i know it was crucial to fight that war. Can you imagine what would have happened to america if we hadnt gone to war in vietnam . That means no forrest gump, and, therefore, no bubba gump shrimp shack mac and cheese, and im sorry, but thats not an america i want to live in. laughter folks this culture of grievance lives on today. I mean, if youre looking for grievance, look no further than bills latest. Recently, colbert mocked me on the subject of inequality. Only about 1 Million People watch his latenight program at 11 30 but he is the darling of the far left internet when rhapsodizes over him. Stephen bills right booing . Stephen i know,in. Folks im not happy about it but for some reason the far left internet loves me. Im in all the hash tags. Folks, if i thought Stephen Stephen steveeb Stephen Stephen stephen you know you people are the blood in my veins, right . Folks, if i thought if i thought for even one second something i said hurt papa bears feelings, i, too, am hurt, and to be honest, a little turned on. laughter not that bill would believe me. Ah, but mr. Colbert is a deceiver. I strongly believe in fighting for equality, and also believe institutional bias should be against the law. What i oppose is government trying to impose equality because every human being is different. Stephen bill, youve got me all wrong. I agree with every single word youre saying, even those words dont agree with each other. laughter you see, i also believe institutional bias should be against the law, and at the same time, believe that governments shouldnt do anything about it. That leaves, ah maybe a voluntary make ai law, take ai law tray, or roaming gangs of vigilante cannibal equality bikers. Or we could give add rile a hat and badge and let him wander the land telling pinheads toioc it off, bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. Stephen i couldnt have said it better myself. cheers and applause . Well be right back. Up. A short word thats a tall order. Up your game. Up the ante. And if you stumble, you get back up. Up isnt easy, and we ought to know. Were in the business of up. Everyday delta flies a quarter of Million People while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. Were raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. The rich dark chocolate. York peppermint pattie. Get the sensation. Dive into our salmon bruschetta atop a buttery crab risotto, the new spring seasonal menu is now at olive garden. Or fall in yum with our chicken primavera, always served with unlimited salad and breadsticks. The all new spring seasonal menu at olive garden. Why get delivery, when you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce, digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Stephen welcome back, everybody. The icon whose latest project is a musical. Im calling it tiki boats. Please welcome sting cheers and applause hey, thanks for coming. Wow fantastic thank you so much for being here. Sting, thank you im so excited. Thank you for taking time away from cleaning your gutters, i guess, to be here. laughter busy time of year for that. I didnt want to clash. Stephen thank you very much. Now, Everybody Knows you. You were the you know, you have had a 40year career in rock n roll. cheers and applause i didnt want to age you. Youve had a 70year career in rock n roll. Yeah. Stephen you, benny goodman, mitch miller those are the original police. Glenn miller. Stephen okay, all the millers. Obviously, im a huge fan of the police. I love the proauthority message that name sends. applause listen, but youve got a new project now. I do. Stephen that takes you back to your childhood, the town you grew up in. Its called the last ship, and its a musical that starts this summer in chicago and then comes to broadway. Tell folks about the story of the last ship. I was born in the shadow i a shipyard in a little town on the northeast coast of england. Stephen i think we have a picture of what the shipyard is like. One of my earliest memories is a giant ship at the end of my street. Stephen there it is. Pretty surreal environment to grow up in. I didnt want to work in the shipyard. The shipyard was dangerous and toxic and pretty unpleasant, so i did everything i could to escape. Stephen okay. So i wanted to be a singer. I wanted to sing songs in the world. I wanted to be paid extravagant amounts of money. cheers and applause i wanted to be famous. Stephen what made you think you could do that . I was very confident as a child. Anything but work in the shipyard. Stephen and when did the shipyard end . The shipyard closed in the 80s. Stephen so is this musical about the closing of the shipyard . Yeah. Stephen is Margaret Thatcher the hero. Thatcher, im a huge fan, a huge fan of hers. Were not a fan of mrs. Thatcher. It begins in social history, the story and then it becomes allegory. Stephen i dont know what that word means. Im not sure i do. Stephen allegory. You also have the rain forest benefit coming up at carnegie hall, the 25th anniversary of your rain forest benefit. Thats true. cheers and applause stephen what side of that whole rain forest issue do you come down on . Because if we didnt cut those trees down, they would swallow our cities, okay. At this point, were just playing defense. So whats whats your take here on that rain forest thing . My instinct is were better off with it. Stephen really. Than without it. Stephen really . Yeah, just an instinct. applause stephen why do we need trees . We have plastic now. I our real emphasis is not on tree. Stephen no, whats it on . Were trying to make the lives of people who live there better. Stephen people who live in the amazon . Not just the amazon. The Tropical Forest generally. Theyre beleaguered people. Stephen what does beleaguered mean . Is that like allegory. Under siege. Stephen whats it like to have one name . Its stephen why . Fantastic for signing autographs. Stephen saves so much time. cheers and applause this summer, this summer last summer, you did a tour which i wish i could have seep. It was you and paul simon. Right . Yes. Stephen for just this summer, were you stingfunkle . Yes. Stephen sting, thank you for being here. Would you do one of your songs . I would love to. Stephen sting, thank you so much for being here. The album the last ship. We will be right back with a performance b ing. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Its about capturing the moment. Its holding your breath. [ elephants grunting ]. Until something takes it out of you. Its performance without hesitation. Which is exactly what you get. [ camera shutter clicks ]. With a tablet powered by intel. With a tablet powered by intel. Transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. Before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an underserved season. And before he quit his friends leafraking business for not offering a 401k. Larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. Thats why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. Thats the power of streamlined connections. Thats merrill edge and bank of america. Turkey breast and black forest ham, now the featured 5 footlong of april. Load it up with all your favorites like green peppers and shredded mozzarella. Its the featured 5 footlong of april. Subway. Eat fresh. Its the featured 5 footlong of april. Yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. Stephen here to perform a song from his album and broadwaybound musical the last ship, ladies and gentlemen, sting. A magd delin girl comes to py her respects but her mind is awhirl the sign of a corpse in the dark of the core and she reaches the door sees an unholy sight, solitary figure and halo of light he just carries on floating past cavalry hill ah, but she may catch him still tell me where are you gone, lord, and why in such haste . I dont envy you woman, i hae no time to waste i launch tomorrow at noon and i have to be there before daybreak oh, i cannot be missing the lads will expect me why else would the good lord himself resurrect me . Nothing will stop me. I have to prevail through the tea in the tempest and the mouth of a gail. And the last ship sails or the roar of the chain and the cracking of timbers the noise at the end of the world in your ears as a mountain of steel makes the way to the sea and the last ship sails and whatever youre promised whatever youve done and whatever the station in light youve become in the name of the father in the name of the son and whatever the weave of ths life that youve spun or under the sun when the last ship sails oh, the roar of the chains ad the crackin of timbers the noise at the end of the world in your ears and a mountain of steel makes its way to the sea and the last ship sails cheers and applause stephen sting. The last ship good night, everybody. 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