Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140507 : vimarsana.

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us. Thank you for being here. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for being here. I just got to wet the whistle for a second. cheers and applause . Stephen sit down i just want to give a shoutout to all of our friends in belgium watching right now. laughter nation, oh, breathe that in. Spring is in the air. Especially since i fired up my sweet pea and lilac glade plugin. Really makes it feel like sometimes i leave this building. And,sh, spring is the season of love when, shall we sabre the birds and the bees go at it in the sweaty pile of hardcore thoraxbreaking. In this time of courtship tongues are wagging about one of americas most soughtafter batchelors, Rupert Murdoch. Ladies ladies hes breathing laughter and you will not believe who ruperts crushin on now. Rand paul was seen with media mogul Rupert Murdoch at the Kentucky Derby last weekend. Kentucky republican senator rand paul and media magnet Rupert Murdoch spent the day together at the Kentucky Derby. Mourdock was pauls special guest. Theres speculation the joint peerps could sign a mourdock endorsement if he runs for president. He got Rupert Murdoch to come down to kentucky. He got him to spend the day with him, to get to know him a little. Stephen yes, rand pulled out all the stops to impress his date, Rupert Murdoch, even wores 50ive derby hat made of the finest gopher pelt. Nation, i love this hot new celebrity power couple. I have even given rupert and rand paul their own fun nickname rupaul. cheers and applause but as hot as this date was, rand should not get too attached to rupy here because mourdock is still playing the field. There are nearly a dozen republican president ial hopefuls courting him already. Hes like a g. O. P. Version of the bachelor, especially since they also want nothing to do with anyone named juan pablo. Good luck to all the people out there. Nation. We all know the obama regime is doing everything it can to undermine the Second Amendment. Sure, obama hasnt undermined it yet, but he also hasnt undermined the First Amendment so gun lovers still have the freedom to say hes undermining the Second Amendment without any evidence which makes us look nuts, thereby undermining the Second Amendment. Its all a long con. So i was thrilled to spend yesterweekend with likeminded patriots at the n. R. A. s 2014 annual meeting in indianapolis. It was over nine acres of guns, gear, and outfitters that featured Innovative Products lieb the stalking shield for the ethical hunter who wants to ensure they call only the stupidest members of the herd. The stalking shield theyll never trust a tree again. The convention also features speakers like louisiana governor and boy who wished to be big, bobby jindal. Who made it clear the stakes facing the n. R. A. Could not be higher. The same liberal extremists who want to come take our guns are the same forces that want to take away our religious liberty. Stephen exactly if we cave on gun control, next comes religion control, which means a threeday waiting period before i can buy a bible. Then what will i put in my breast pocket to miraculously protect me from all the stray bullets flying around. laughter now, also on the lectern of people who just happen to be in the neighborhood caring about guns and what do you mean im not running for president was former, former senator Rick Santorum who talked about the crucial role guns play in any happy marge. Karen owns more guns than i do. I dont know about most men, b but, you know, the default gift for most men is to buy flowers on a special occasion. For me, the safe bet ammo. Stephen yes. Why say it with flowers when you can say it with bullet . Its the gift that goes straight to someone elses heart. laughter applause and, folks cheers and applause a lot of ammo fans here tonight. laughter and its more important than ever for these heros to stand up for our right to pear arms and or plastic oakbark tunics. Because this is a critical time for the most important gun right of all, concealed carry. Which is guaranteed by our constitution. Now, yes, you cant see it written in there. Thats cuz its concealed. laughter so i was happy to see georgias governor nathan deal stand up for the right to rock out with your glock not out. Georgias governor has signed a controversial gun bill into law. Starting july 1, people in georgia can bring firemans into bars, libraries, churches and even some government buildings. Its official name is the safe carry protection act. But critics call it the Guns Everywhere bill. Thats right, critics call it the Guns Everywhere bill. While supporters call it the guns, everybody, bill and with this law, with this law i assume they yell that at someone named bill. With this law, georgians will be able to bring their guns to schools, bars, churches, and libraries. Of course, there you will want to use a silencer. But best of all, best of all, folks, you can now even pack heat in certain parts of the airport, which will finally allow you to defend that one seat with an outlet. laughter applause shockingly cheers shockingly, shockingly, the Guns Everywhere bill doesnt cover some everywheres. Yes tissue broadens conceal carry, eligibility to include people who have committed crimes with guns. But only after theyre out of jail. Why cant they carry guns in prison . Thats where whereyou need them. That place is full of criminals this Guns Everywhere bill is a good start, but it still requires you to carry a gun to have a gun. Thats why i say we must broaden Guns Everywhere to everywhere is guns. All buildings in america must provide concealed weapons in event of a nongunhaving emergency. Just use the gun on the chain to shoot the glass and grab the gun. applause because the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And if everybody has a gun, chances are, at least one of them will be good. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause [ male announcer ] we start the day thinking about one thing. Bread. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out, making this our best bread yet. Bread is on the rise at subway. And took others out, making this our best bread yet. Fruit, with a cool finish. Fruit on one side. Cool on the other. Ice breakers duo. A fruity cool way to break the ice. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Thank you. Welcome back. Thank you so much. Folks, i dont have to tell you good people that there is a war on religion in america. The secular humanists will not stop until they take god out of the pledge of allegiance, christ out of christmas, and the jew out of fourth of july. Christians are even under attack in oklahoma where a feeppeddish plot could go off without a hitch, unlike their executions. A satanic sculpture is almost complete and it could be going outside the Oklahoma State house. Satanists raised money for a sculpture after a monument of the 10 commandments went up. I think this might be just plain evil. Stephen its a statue of the devil, and you think it might be just plain evil . Thats like saying you think the tall guy sitting in the chair in the memorial might be just plain lincoln. laughter the fact that youre not sure its evil means that this thing is already working. laughter heres how we got to where we are right now. Back in 2005, the Supreme Court ruled the 10 commandments could not be displayed on government property. Oh, really . But its perfectly fine for public smart to display the druids holy symbol, the tree. And for the sky to put up the islamic Crescent Moon every month. Wake up it is waxing sharia. Thankfully, oklahomas Legislature Passed a bill allowing the monument anyway but requiring private funds to pay for the installation. Now these satanists are abusing these loopholes. Those satanists. They used the crowd funding site indiegogo to raise almost 30,000 using diabolically irresistible awards. A 100 donation gets you a satanic mug and tshirt because we know nothing proclaims your allegiance to the prince of darkness more than a matching mug and tshirt. That is the mouth of madness. That is the face of eagle. Just look at this monstrosity. It has two innocent children gazing up in wonder at the devil and is designed so real kids may sit on the lap of say thein. That is wrong. Kids this only be sitting in the laps of strange old men at the mall. And worst of all, worst of all, this satanic statue is not even of satan. Its clearly the pagan idol baphomet, a sabbatic goat deity worshipped by the knight tempura. What kind of poseur devil worshipers are we dealing with here . Let me guess youre reformed sasatanists. We believe all people should be able to imagine the lord of hell in his or her own way. Wrong. There have got to be ruse, or just become a lutheran, already. Plus, you didnt even get baphomet right who classically is depicted with perched female breasts and a snakeheaded caduceus boner. By the way if your snakeheaded caduceus boner lasts more than four hours, contact your witch doctor. And, folks, im so tired of people continuing to confuse baphomet with satan. And im not the only one. Joining me now is tonights first guest, please welcome he who must not be named, satan. cheers and applause mr. Satan, thank you for joining us. Honor to be here, stephen. Sorry, i couldnt be there in person but the only flight to new york was in coach on united airlines. I spend enough time in hell as it is. Hahaha. Stephen now, satan, you and i rarely see eye to eye on anything but i understand you dont like this statue, either. Pardon my language, stephen but this statute is horse hockey. Everything with a goat head must be the devil. That is racist. Stephen i didnt realize you were so sensitive to prejudice. Look, just because im the father of all hatred doesnt mean im some kind of bigot. I will torture the flesh of any race, creed or color. To paraphrase dr. King, i have a nightmare. laughter . Stephen now, mr. Satan, have you spoken to baphomet about this . Yes, i have, stephen, and he is so depressed, he wont even leave his waterbed filled with the tears of children. How would you feel if you were dropped two months salaries on a pair of high, hard double ds and they didnt even make it on the statue. Thats bound to give you some body issues. Stephen thanks for joining us satan. But before you go, is there anything youd like to plug. Yes, check out the internship on dvd and bluray. Im really proud of it. Stephen satan, lord of hell, everybody. Bababooie. Stephen well be right back. Rejoice. For you have entered the Promised Land of accomodation. Booking. Com booking. Yeah beer. Dog. Music. Yikes. Skip track, please. Im hungry. Impossible . Maybe, but honeywells latest innovation gives me hope. Hello, thermostat . Hello. Please say a command. Im feeling hot. Changing set point to 68 degrees the wifi thermostat that listens, learns, saves. From honeywell. Nehey r [squeals] [ewh ] [baby crying] the great thing about a subaru is you dont have to put up with that new car smell for long. The versatile, 2015 subaru forester. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a show business legend. Ill make her apologize for how much i crieded at the end of beaches. Please welcome bette midler. cheers and applause . Miss midler, thank you so much for coming. What a pleasure to have you on here. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Stephen singer, actress comic. Stephen comedienne whatever you want to describe yourself. Small, very thin, elderly, but i look fabulous. What can i say . cheers and applause . Stephen you do. Youve won youve won three grammies, four goldep globes, three emmys and a tony. And youre here with an interesting project. Its a reissue of a book that you originally wrote and put out in 1980 called a view from a broad. Uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. Thats right. Stephen why why reissue a book from almost 35 years ago . And can i do that, too . , of course, you can. If you have a book you may reissue. Everybody reissues stuff nowadays. They reissue their great album, their great movie. The 40th anniversary of beaches, or whatever the heck. So i have had it was in the pile. You know how you have the little piles all over the house . Stephen sure. And you start to try to keep them in order every now and again. Soy found this in the pile and i read it, and but the voice of it is so disarming and so sweet, like i am nowadays. Im covered in barnicles, im a crone. It was nice i thought it would be a nice yet idea there are two generations between that and this and they dont know me at all. I thought, maybe you know, maybe theyll get into im not just winnie from hocuspocus. cheers and applause stephen when you went back and interested and heard that voice of the younger you, what did you make of yourself . You know, i was so there was a sweetness to me and a naivete, and its also very, very funny. I was funny in a very effortless way, and i really like that voice. I really like theres a little edge of cynicism, but its also there are so many lies in it stephen really. Its so full of lies that i its a confection stephen have you thought about annualitating it with just the word bleep at the bottom of each page. Thats a great idea. Thats what i should have done. Stephen you should put out a teachers edition. This is describing a tour, a world tour you did in 1978. Yes. Stephen were there groupies . For women there are no groupie. Stephen really, no . You have to have the sound crew or lighting crew. You get your pick of them. Stephen really . S sometimes if youre really stephen did you parade them by. You can see how i picked my band. Stephen band. Those days are over, of course,. Stephen they dont have to be. I have a lovely crew here. Any of these guys would be honored. There it is. There is a picture how i choose my band. Stephen thats actually your band without any pants on. Stephen what would you say to your younger self now if you could talk to her . I would say hang on. Its going to be a hell of a ride. Thats what i would say. Stephen would she say anything to you . Is it a twoway street, when you recapture that voice by reading about yourself what, do you think she would say to you . She would probably say im tough i can make it. Indeed, i did. But in a career you have your ups and your downs. Not for you, not for you. Stephen its been one rocket ride to heaven. cheers and applause . I have to admit, its true. I have followed you, and it is true. I dont know how you do it. I swear to god. The rest of us hit snags all time, but not you. Stephen whats it like to be divine . You are the divine miss m. And what do you think that means when its applied to you, the divine . Well, you know, its so odd you can take it in two ways. I thought you know when i was a girl, i used to read all these sort of various gossipy books and people would go around saying,youre so divine, darling. Youre divine. And i thought that was fun, be divine. I didnt understand the godlike quality of it, i didnt understand the reference to the spirituality of it. And really the truth is, if you say youre divine enough, you actually do become rather godlike, but in fact stephen isnt that a burden . No, not for me. Not for me. laughter im always struggling to be one with god. Im always struggling. Yes, i am, its true. In fact i told my daughter and husband i was a messiah. And they believed me. Stephen that story often ends, you know, kind of rough. Very badly. laughter . Stephen it has a happy ending, but in between, theres a trough. Yes, yes. I do ive seen the picture. I saw the movie. Stephen you described yourself as something of a misfit. Everybody likes you. How could you be a misfit . I was born in hawaii, and i was born in hawaii in the middle of the last century im not going to tell you when. I was born in hawaii, and in those days, the days that i was growing up, white people were considered the enemy. And if you were white they called you things like holly crab or bleep or this or that. Stephen what does howly mean . White person. Follow along, honey, follow along. White, white. Stephen i dont speak aloha. Hawley means a foreigner and it refers to people who are white. Stephen did you have to develop a character . I did, i really did. I developed a lot of armor in those days. It was okay. It really was okay. When i discovered that i actually could make those people who were not happy with me laugh, this was a big step forward for me. And, really, i never looked back from that. Things changed for me one i learned that i could make people laugh. And then once i went to a high school where there happened to be a few more white people than me, so i know did discrimination. I know about that. Because i felt it. I know what thats about. And my dad was fantastic. My dad was like everybodys swell. Everybodys great. It department matter what color you were. It didnt matter what color you were. He was the most tolerant man i ever met and i think i got a lot of that from him. Stephen how long did you do this character the divine mism . Im still doing it. I showed up here, didnt i . I have been divine for about i started out, i think since 1967. I claipped myself divine when claimed myself divine in 1967, and i never changed my tune. Stephen so you can make an entire career of playing a character of yourself. laughter applause cheers bette midler, thank you so much. My pleasure. Stephen bette midler, the book is a view from a broad. Book is a view from a broad. Well be right back. Why get delivery, when you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce, digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. To pitch in for an industrialsized smoker, before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time, and 2 back at the grocery store, even before he got 3 back on gas with no hoops to jump through, norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational, where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. Thats the satisfaction of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. [ whirring ] [ wind howling ] a new mint flavor that intensifies as you chew. New 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. New 5 ascent gum. Honestly, the offseason isnt ive got a lot to do. Thats why i got my surface. Its great for watching game film and drawing up plays. Its got onenote, so i can stay on top of my todo list, which has been absolutely absurd since the big game. With skype, its just really easy to stay in touch with the kids i work with. Alright, russell you are good to go alright, fellas. Alright, russ. Back to work cheers and applause stephen good night, captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org announcer from new york city, Comedy Central presents godfrey. [cheers and applause] godfrey yo [cheers, whistles applause] whats up, new york