Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140508 : vimarsana.

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. You see, i agreed years ago that every now and then i would do these integrated sponsorships on the report to help pay the production bills and thats what that was. So lets laughter lets get lets get to our number one story which tonight is a number two story. Doctors believe theyve come up with a way to help with constipation. It involves a vibrating pill. Doctors in israel are testing a new pill that shakes up your intestinal area and gets things rolling again. Stephen yes, a pill that vibe rates your constipation a way. Sorry prunes, you just lost your job to a robot. The new pill is called vibrant, a combination of the word vibe rate and nnnt. laughter which the sound you make when its working. The pill pulse ates three times a minute an mimics peristalsis the biological process that mimics waves of waste through the bowels, i know you are saying where i do sign up for waves of waste. Thats my only problem with this pill. You cant get it its still in clinical trials. Do you folks out there need relief now. Which is why i recommend you put your cell phone on vibe rate and shove it where the sun dont shine. And applause while youre at it, why not make it a top of the line smart phone from tmobile. laughter because when you have the fastest nationwide 4glte network you can call your colon from anywhere in the country with great reception no matter how far you jammed it up there. And tmobile is the uncarrier, the phone company that offers contract freedom. That means no annual service contracts, no limits on data and upgrades whenever you want the hottest new smart phone throbbing your duodenum. And whats that you say . You have already got a phone from one of tmobiles competitors wedged up there . No problem, tmobile will even help pay your termination fees when you break up with your old carrier, and cover up to five devices in one plan, finally the whole family can nestle them in their rectums. Now you might be thinking, you might be thinking stephen, you spent a lot of time pushing this tmobile product integration. Are you tmobiles puppet . No, i want to assure you, nation, tmobile did not ask me to say any of this. All their Marketing Team asked is that i quote not position the brand in a negative light. And that, that, that is not a problem. Where im telling you to position it, there isnt any light at all. Remember, tmobile, put it in your butt. applause nation cheers and applause nation, i always want to know what you think. Right after i tell you what that is. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up, folks, im sick and tired of Christian Braker bakers and photographers being forced to participate if gay weddings that they do not condone. I mean you think that even gay people would be against a man marrying another man. It is kind of matchymatchy. Thankfully one heroic business is standing up. Kentuckys herald embroidery which took advantage of a new state law protecting religious freedom by posting a set of storefront stickers. Three well free welcoming christians, guns and beards. And two banning foul language an homosexuals. So if you are gay, you cant go there. But your beard can. Which is why laughter im giving a reluctant wag of the finger to herald embroidery for taking a good idea too far. Because following a complaint from a lesbian couple who was refused service the shop replaced those stickers with a signed readinging while we will serve all customers who treat our place of business with respect, we reserve the right to refuse to produce Promotional Product that promote ideas that are not in keeping with our consciences this includes but is not limited to content promoting homosexuality, freemasonry, the use of foul language and imagery which promotes immodesty. Now wait a second. I understand showing the gays the door. But now youre going to discriminate against me because im a freemason . laughter which i am not. Because its a secret society and if i were in it i would have to lie and say that i am not. Which i am not. And just think of the poor freemasons. Done they already face enough judgement . I mean living a double life, sneaking around, never being able to show their family who they really are. And all the lies. Saying im just working late, honey, when really im meeting a bunch of men to do god knows what in a windowless hall. I cant bleeftss come to this. The freemasons once controlled the levers of global power and now which cant get an embroidered apron, again, is what i would say. And no, we will not settle for silk scream what is i a [bleep] shriner . Next up laughter cheers and applause next up on the tip wags the latest buzz from the world of insects. Warning, folks, what you are about to see is extremely graphic so if there are any larva earnings in the room with you now would be a good time for them to leave and pupate because scientists in brazil have discovered a cavedwelling bug with the worlds first female penis. An dear god, she is hung like a force fly. Jimmy, please, jimmy, its a family show. Thank you. Now in this newly discovered species, the female uses her elaborate penislike organ to pen straight the males vagina like opening and collect his sperm. Female penis, male vaginas, thanks, gay marriage. applause well, this shocking news is why im giving a wag of my finger at bug scientists for discovering this, used to be i could give a quick glance at an insects thorax and know right away if i was sexually attracted to it. But now in this report on these intersex insects or insects, and the discovery of the female penis, i, ney, all men are forced to ask ourselves, what gender is my penis penis. I have always identified as hafing a male penis. But it turns out i could be swinging lady junk. laughter and if so, is my penis a lesbian because she definitely has an eye for the ladies. Now next up, next up on tippy tippy wagerman, folks, if you follow the news you know that benn gazee has been blown up again because of a scandalous new memo linking the Obama Administration directly to things said by members of the Obama Administration. And fox newss the fiferx the eric bolling has an ironclad explanation for why they did whatever it is were accusing them of having done after the benghazi attack. One more piece to this dont forget this was prior, prior to Osama Bin Laden being taken down. And the thought was and the discussion was, ask president obama going into the reelection soft on terror or not. A lot of people are saying it was after. Much after. Was it after. Yeah, yeah, yeah,. My bad, i take it back. A great point if it were true. Yes. Thats undeniable. Yes. A great point and a fantastic new motto, fox news, fair an balanced, a great point if it were true. cheers and applause still ive got to give a wag of my finger to dana perino. Why did you correct him . Bolling was pulling a passionate heartfelt Conspiracy Theory straight out of his ass. You dont interrupt a man in mid yank, thats rude. laughter just say great point. Because bolling was right, up to a point. Obama not having caught bin laden at the time of the benghazi tacks would have made him look soft on terror if time hadnted in that order. Happened in that order. So dana, come on, give your colleagues a break. Theyve been talking about benghazi nonstop for 20 months. You cant expect them to remember the exact day that it happened. I mean when was it anyway . Oh, september 11th. Well, how on earth are you supposed to never forget that . Well be right back. Im the protector of my patio killing weeds where they grow a barrier forms so weeds cant appear serious weed prevention up to a year new roundup max control 365 with no more weeds, its your year doesnt really look like burger. Man 2 grilled beef patty . Thats burgeresque. Man 1 yeah, but the Flour Tortilla is, like, quesadillay. Man 2 its both, okay . You happy . Man 1 dude, its four bucks. I am definitely happy. [ding] waitress welcome to dennys. Perfectly bitesized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. When the chocolate is hersheys, life is delicious. Bread. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out, making this our best bread yet. Bread is on the rise at subway. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together reliably fast internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future we must have encountered a temporal vortex. Further analytics are necessary. Beam us up. Thats my phone. Hey. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system. Only from xfinity. Tv and internet together like never before. Welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Now nation, i have been trying my best to ignore the ukraine. laughter and i mean from the very beginning. I refuse to even acknowledge hetman bodean khmel nytskies uprising against poland. Unfortunately events in ukraine keep annexing the news. Armed pro russian militias have seized government buildings in several ukrainian cities, including donetsk, sloviansk and im going to say cheap. And over the past weekend things went ukraine in the membrane. Ukraine launched its strongest attack so far on pro russian militias. The Ukrainian Government is launching a large scale antiterror operation to recapture the eastern city of sloviansk sloviansk, this as the violence in ukraine escalates. Stephen and folks, if we lose Eastern Ukraine to russia, the next thing you know there goes spring break in zaporizhia, oblasqt and all of this is due to unone unhinged dictator obama. Thanks it to weakness putin is running wild. He keeping putin dont worry we arent going to do anything militarily. He is read by the rest of the world as weak. It is really a weak really, i am not saying that with any partisan stuff, i mean, but you know, come on. The president seems unwilling too take steps that really would impress the russians. Stephen yeah, you got to impress the russians. And how hard could that be. Their idea of entertainment is putting things inside other things. Thats their seinfeld. But our could manner in weak just doesnt have what it takes to tear putin stare putin down. Meanwhile putin has so much sackski he told the ukrainians to withdraw all military units from the southeastern regions of their own country. That is bold. That is like telling your neighbor to withdraw to the couch because you want to an ex the southeastern regons of his wife. Now i dont know why the president isnt just listening to these people. What i would do if i was the administration, i would help armed the ukrainian people so they can defend themselves. The ukrainians will fight and for us not to give them the capability to defend themselves is worse than shameful. We really should provide some defensive weaponry. I think it is time for to us consider antitank weaponry, antiaircraft weaponry. Deputy dog is right. We must we must arm these antirussian forces with rocket launchers. It worked so well with the mujahideen in afghanistan. And that never bit us in the ass. Well be right back. Up. A short word thats a tall order. Up your game. Up the ante. And if you stumble, you get back up. Up isnt easy, and we ought to know. Were in the business of up. Everyday delta flies a quarter of Million People while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. Were raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. Beer. Dog. Music. Yikes. Skip track, please. Im hungry. Impossible . Maybe, but honeywells latest innovation gives me hope. Hello, thermostat . Hello. Please say a command. Im feeling hot. Changing set point to 68 degrees the wifi thermostat that listens, learns, saves. From honeywell. Avocadoh yeah. Ason at subway. Now thats what im talking about. Try creamy avocado on any of your favorites, like a scrumptious subway club. Cmon man, you know you cant go wrong with avocado. Subway. The official training restaurant of athletes everywhere. Welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight say renowned journalist who has a new collection of new yorker pieces from the 1940s. Previously only available in the waiting room of a 90yearold dentist. Please welcome david remnick. cheers and applause thanks so much for coming on. I have to get rid of these new yorkers, they stack up after a while. Thanks for coming on, we have met before, i have never had you down for an interview. Nice to finally have you here. Great to be here. Stephen editor of the new yorker since 1998 also a Pulitzer Prize winning author of lenins tomb, have win over a hundred articles for your own magazine, you must know somebody. And youre the author not the author, youre here with a new book called the 40s. The story of a decade. And these are some of the best articles. It was a time when the new yorker grew up with the country, the magazine was a kind of comic light magazine of the jazz age and suddenly with the arrival of the war, the magazine really grew up. It was kind the birth of a Literary Journalism both at war and at home afterwards as the nation became this kind of singular power during the start of the american century. Stephen what was the most obvious change to the magazine . Were all these dog psychiatrists overseas fighting hitler. Yeah, they were on eye desert island, in the same cartoon. I think it was an amazing thing, the idea that you would sen a journalist to japan, a journalist and maybe everybody here has read this in high school. Stephen in 46ee. Thats right. And that was considered in some ways an incredibly bold thing to do. But even subversive to report on the fallen enemy in basically sympathetic terms and see what the effect of anatomic bomb had been on this island. Stephen so the new yorker sent somebody to her oak her open ma to report from the point of view from the people that got bombed. Exactly. Stephen that wasnt seen as treasonist. This article which took up the entire issue of the new yorker, no cartoons, just from beginning to enwas such a sensation that it was read over the radio, armed the world and translated into many, many languages and it became, you know, a staple of Highschool Students everywhere. Stephen i never read the article. Give me a preview, did the japanese like it . They did not not so much. Stephen the United States did it so it had to be the right thing to do. That has a certain logic. Stephen why was there anyone left to work on the new yorker . Why wasnt every Single Person in the 1940s off fighting. Good point. For the first time the new yorker really had many more women on its staff because there were so many Staff Writers and editors who had gone off in uniform to europe and to asia. As the new yorker changed from a comedy magazine in the 1920s and 1930s into what it became which was sort of a really journalism in the 1940s, were there people that yall rejected that later you said boy, we were dumb. Yeah, i mean no magazine can get everybody. So a poet like Elizabeth Bishop flour shalled in the new yorker. And we missed the boat on somebody like wallace and it is inevitable that a magazine is going to do this. And its going to set the tone of the magazine, not only who you are writing about, and sometimes who you are wrong about. Stephen now you, as i said you won a Pulitzer Prize for your book lenins tomb. You know something about the russian and the russian mand. Yeah. Things are going great. Stephen okay. I im worried about the ukraine. All right. Why am i worried . An how much longer am i going to have to worry about it, because right now im just waiting through an omelet of consonants with every word it was bad enough to memorize the abu, bin laden or whatever. At least that is language has some [bleep] vowells in it. In is a consonant. Stephen con san con san ant heavy diet tlofer. Lets bind them youve bit, they should get a cell phone. That is the center of the controversy, it a disaster. There might be a civil war in ukraine if we dont watch ou the. There might be a. Stephen is it really a civil war or a war between russian and ukraine. A civil war in my view that is being provoked by russia. It is blame to go all around. Everybody has mishandled this but at the centre of this, the real culprit of why we are in this terribly dangerous spot is vladimir putin. Vladimir putin. Stephen he is a strong leader. You have to respect that. Yes, he flexes his muscle. Stephen yes, he does. He does show his muscle. Stephen he takes his shirt off. He has been taking his shirt off for a long time. When will we know things are getting really dangerous, when he takes his pants off . You know, for many reasons im praying he keeps his pants on. I think that would be better for the world. Stephen do the russian people like this . Unfortunately, yes, his Approval Rating is in the 80s. Stephen do you think he did this for Approval Ratings . Yes. Stephen because he could have just gone on between two ferns and that way. Yes, yeah. That would have worked. Stephen david, thank you so much for joining me. cheers and applause david remnick, the new yorker. The 40s. The 40s. Well be right back. 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Just like duralast brakes. They stop anything. screeching and if you use anything else. You should stop. Duralast. Proven tough. Get in the zone. Autozone. Nowchoose one option fromith red lothe woodfire grill,trios one signature shrimp dish, and a pasta. All on one plate. Three delicious choices. All for 15. 99 for a limited time only come sea food differently today what is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together reliably fast internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future we must have encountered a temporal vortex. Further analytics are necessary. Beam us up. Thats my phone. Hey. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system. Only from xfinity. Tv and internet together like never before. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Comedy central presents. Pat dixon. [cheers, whistles applause] thank you, new york. How are you . Hi, how are you . How are you . Wow, you make me feel great. I already feel great. Ive been feeling great for a little while. And you guys are obviously in a good mood tonight. Is that correct . Yes. [cheers and applause] i am, too. I feel great because im in love