Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140513 : vimarsana.

Where candidates are fighting for voters approval so they can go to congress and lose it immediately. laughter the first primary elections were this last tuesday and an ohioindiana and North Carolina Tea Party Candidates lost to establishment republicans. Folks, it looks like the Country Club Republicans are going to run everything. They certainly do in my country club. laughter really nice. But theres one primary the tea party cannot lose. Because theyre the only ones in it. Floridas third district. The fightin third. It pits republican incum ben and off brand chocolate drink ted yoho against fellow republican jake rush who is running on a plart form of traditional marriage, strict constitutionalism, Strong National defense and repeal og bamacare. Jake rush is everything you could want in a congressman and maybe more than you do. Jake rush running for third congressional district. Selling himself as a conservative straight shooter, but guess what, he happens to be a vampire. laughter stephen did not see that coming. It with a name like jake rush, you would think softcore porn but as a vampire he goes under the name chazz darling. Seen here as a malevolent lord of the undebt who has just had his eyes dilated by an incompetent ophthalmologist. Jake rush is deeply involved in live action role playing or larp. Larp is also the sound his Campaign Manager made when he saw this picture. And chazes darling just one of the characters jake rush plays. Others include lord staas van der winst and archbishop ketering who was born in 1146, making him younger than many florida voters. laughter and jake rush was once an actual Alachua County sheriff deputy where his role playing experiences were considered an advantage when applying for undercover work. Bad news, criminals, hes not actually a drug dealer, hes chazz darling, vampire cop. applause so so who will be floridas next tea party congressman, to find out i sat down with jake rush in tonights better know a challenger. Good evening. Welcome. For joining me here so close to midnight. laughter the witching hour. Are we not why arent new character. I thought. Stephen i thought we were going to role play. No, stephen. Stephen no . Well, i feel like an idiot. Im sorry, ill be right back. Hi, sorry about that. I just im sorry. Anyway, jake, thanks so much for talking to me today. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen tell me about the fighting third. Third district of floor is da is North Central florida that goes from northwest ocalaa to the georgia border and east to jacksonville. Stephen why do you want to run for congress . Well, stephen, im tired of all the hypocrisy in d. C. And fed up with being embarrassed with mi congress phenomenon. Stephen tir sir, for the record, are you a vampire. No. Stephen just making sure, making sure. All right, you are a republican running against incumbent Tea Party Candidate ted yoho. Stephen now ted yoho has had a lot to say about you. Lets go through the list. He said disturbing and thats actually all he said. laughter you can imagine that ted yoho says that he represents our tea party but is making fun of a guy in costume. Or he says that he represents our loib tearians but then posts old gaming pictures of me. Stephen ted yoho has served two years s that enough experience to condemn him as a washington insider. Enough to condemn him about his voting record. Stephen he vowed to oppose any military action against any country that is not a direct threat to the United States. Isnt that ridiculous. Stephen it is ridiculous. How is it ridiculous. Its ridiculous that we dont project military power. We have the Largest Military in the world. Stephen what country with you have military action against that is not a direct threat to the United States . Well, for instance, the battle in syria. Stephen forgot about syria. There is an adage in military and Law Enforcement that you never want to have to take the same ground twice, its costly. Stephen like going into war in iraq twice. Right. Stephen which one of those should we not have done. Well, steve em, the problem with i dont know, wars are complicated. Stephen okay, good, good to know. Heres the thing. I had to grill but that ted yoho stuff because i had to find out where your bona fiddes lay. Fair. Stephen fact is, you are what the party needs. You are a stanch conservative, a free market capitalist, small government, walk softly and carry a big stick kind of guy, right. Yes. Stephen what is your core message as a small Government Conservative who also pretends to be a vampire. What is the core message. If i look at that whole package what is the core message . Privacy rights, personal from dom. Stephen okayment you go by the alter ego chazz darling, staas van winst, and archbishop ketering. Who am i speaking to right now. Youre speaking to jake request rush. Stephen that say great character name. That is my real name. Stephen jake rush, woke early one morning, he didnt know why there was blood on his shoes. All he knew was there was a dead woman in bed with him. What happens next, what happens next, jake rush. Hopefully he gets out to vote, gets people motivated to come out. Stephen what about the dead woman. Call the police. Stephen you defended your history of role playing. Yeah. Stephen by saying that you have long been a thespian. How has that been for you as a republican to be an open thespian. The arts ran important part of our culture. Stephen dow believe that thespians should be allowed to get married. Yes, absolutely. Stephen what do you feel about them talking their lifestyle, defining what they do in the privacy of their own lifestyle, as they call it scissoring. I dont need to know what thespians do. It means acker, stephen. Stephen oh, he is right . Is that what that means . All right, i knew that i now that. Stephen, as i said, theyre roles like an actors role. Stephen why did you kill that woman . What . Stephen the woman in bed with you in the jake rush novel. Why did you kill her. Because im trying to fill out the story y did you kill her. That will have to be your story, i dont know. Stephen were you blacked out. No, its your story. Stephen okay, good. So i can give any reason i want. You can. Thats first amendment. Stephen first amendment, okay, because she laughed when you got naked. laughter lets switch gears, one of your greatest plrbments is that you successfully defended the first stand your ground case in central north florida. Thats right. Stephen why should Big Government tell me where i can or cannot shoot my gun. Big government shouldnt. Stephen all right. You have a concealed carry permit. Yes, sir. Stephen what is your guns name . Well, i have a glock. Stephen what is its name, is it a secret. No, no there is no there is a model name. Stephen i thought you loved guns. I dont have any problem with guns. Stephen that is very tolerant of you, you tolerate guns, wouldnt want one dating pie daughter is what you just said. That doesnt make sense. Stephen simple question for you, yes or no would you let a gun date your daughter or are you a racist. That is ridiculous. Stephen yeah, in this day and age, i agree. I thought we had come further than that. This is my gun sweetness, okay. laughter what is that, what is that honey . Shh, no, he didnt mean the things he said. Excuse me, sir. You have no right to talk to my gun that way. Whats that . No, no, that would be wrong, no, hes a guest. laughter okay, im sorry. You have made her mad. Now im going to up all night with her crying. First rule of gun safety keep it pointed if a safe direction. Stephen she would never hurt me. She gets angry and yes, does she say a few things that i found threatening just then, yes. Im uncomfortable about gun jokes. Stephen im glad to hear that. Because theres nothing funny about guns. laughter also nothing sad about them. Theyre a tool. Stephen exactly. Like many people are. True. Stephen jake rush, thank you for talking with me today. And chazz darling, thank you for taking time out of eternity to be with me on the portal plane. Thats weird. Stephen yeah. Well be right back. cheers and applause this is a steak . [sighs] lets make this right. Stay low and spread out. [yawns] nicely done. [crunch] cheezy. Thats it. Sprinkle it on top. Enough ah, check please. [clank] stephen welcome back, everybody. If you watch the show and i hope you do you will know it is no secret that i am an enormous fan of fox business t is the first place i turn for Financial News when it is left on at my dentist. And there is no one i love more on the fbizzle than stu varney. So it hurts to see stu and fox business tanking in the ratings, averaging just 54,000 daytime viewers, to put that in perspective, if you laid 54,000 people endtoend they would still rather do that then watch fox news. Stu is keeping a stiff upper face. He knows that there is a better measure than ratings to find out if people watch your show. Okay. So im walking the streets of new york yesterday, actually i was trying to figure out how the bus system worked. But thats not a story, actually. Im walking along and a young man coming towards me looks at me very closely. He is not dressed like a banker. Far from it. He sticks out his hand. I think he wants money. Instead he says let me shake your hand. I still think he wants money am but no, he wants advice on a stock. Who would have thought. He is a viewer. Yes laughter stephen who would have thought, who would have thought someone watches stu varney, guess what folks, that man was not alone. Ten yards down the street im buying mangos from a fruit stand and the man says hey, you look great in jeans. Stephen you want ratings fox business executives, america demands more stu varney bedonka donk. And that, believe it or not, that was not the end of stuies day out. Then i go past a bus top, 30 people in line, one of them steps out and asks for a picture. Everybody else turns to stare at me. The man says hes on fox, its okay, the british guy, surprise, surprise, there was a generally positive response. Oh, i know him. Stephen and those are smart viewers folks, because unlike stu varney they know how the bus system works. applause folks i have to tell you, i can really identify with varneys tale of being recognized by the great unwashed masses. Why, just this past night i was perambulating along the broadway when i came to the square of time and was approached by a young man. He was not dressed as a banker, oh no. He was covered in red fur and he said he wanted his picture with me. And then asked for 5, clearly he was another suggest sesful man of bruck and i made my way to the district fame for its packing of meat where i was immediately set upon by several eager young ladies who were such fans they asked if i needed a date. One even offered me a job and some sort of hand factory, i believe. The point is applause the point is, ladies and gentlemen, the point is i dont know how buses work. laughter well be right back. Gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love coors light meets a blend of natural Citrus Flavors squeeze the most out of summer. New coors light summer brew. And applebees new grilled vidalia onion sirloin with that freshfromthefarm, sweet vidalia onion taste takes you straight to your summer happy place. [ man ] whoohoohoo [ male announcer ] hey, it looks like someone ordered right. Tangy Barbecue Sauce and sweet vidalia onions. In season now. Taste of summer entrees now start at just 9. 99. Another fresh reason to see you tomorrow. At applebees. And see you late night for halfprice apps. We hear you have great deals. Yes, but theyre going fast. Toyotas are safe and reliable. Reliable. And loaded with technology. Technology. Finals are tonight. I was in a spelling bee once. Spell expeditious. Well, i didnt win it. [ chuckles ] [ male announcer ] during toyota time, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a 2014 prius. Offer ends june 2nd. For more great deals, visit toyota. Com. Toyota. Lets go places. We wake up thinking about it. And bake it fresh instore, every day. Its a pretty good job. With some nice fringe benefits. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. cause its the very foundation of your sandwich. We dont take that lightly. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out. We think its our best bread yet. But come in and see for yourself. Bread is on the rise at subway. Stephen welcome back. My guest tonight from xmen days of the future past, please welcome ellen page. Ellen, thanks so much for coming on im thanks four hafing my. Im a big fan, a huge fan. Stephen im an even bigger fan now. Great. Stephen Everybody Knows you from your breakout juno and from the fantasti fantastic inception. You have a new movie now its called xmen days of future past in theerts may 23rd. Uhhuh. Stephen okay. Now i got one problem with you. Okay. Stephen okay o i will just get it out of the way. Im a big fan but i found out, i didnt know this, and i was disappointed, you came out as openly canadian. Uhhuh. laughter i mean i feel like ive been openly canadian for a really long time. Did you just find this out. Stephen i just found out. How young were you when you found out that you were canadian. I mean, as soon as i had like any form of consciousness im pretty sure i knew. I knew, you know. Stephen people said you want to go to dunkin doughnuts. You i would rather go to tim hortons. I would rather get a double double and some timbits, thats true. Stephen well, the movie, these xmen are about people bo dont fit into society. People dont accept them. They think they should either be cured or, you know know, its not a metaphor or anything, is it . laughter its not a i dont want to take the sats, i just want to go see some quality kills. Some would argue that it is. I would argue it is what makes the franchise so successful is that despite the spectacle and extremity of the experience and fantasy of it all it is really deeply human and something we can all relate to. Something i know i relate to because of the canadian thing and. Stephen yeah. cheers and applause stephen lets take a look at it. A little clip right here. Okay, great. Lets go. Wow. Stephen you know what, youre right that is deeply human and everyone correlate to that. Yeah. Stephen i apologize am i apologize ellen page. Checkmate. Stephen all right, all right. Now you also recently came out as being a thespian. Uhhuh. Stephen was that hard, was that hard to do have you been accepted . Is that a metaphor . Stephen i think its a mall apropism but go ahead. Well, yeah, if you are speaking of the fact that i am a gay person. Stephen i am. Yeah, it was definitely one of the most, you know, nervesort of racking moments of my life and at the same time i was just so excited and thrilled to be at a place where i was ready to do that. And grateful for the support that i have received. Stephen and you did it at Human Rights Watch event, right. A Human Rights Campaign foundation. Stephen and then people responded so effusively that it actually broke the Human Rights Campaign web site. It did, yeah. Stephen are you happy . cheers and applause are you happy, ellen page. Yourselfish coming out broke human rights. Well, thats what gays are doing, i guess. Stephen all part of the plan. All part of the plan. I got one beef with you, request didnt you wait and come out on my show becaus because the ratings would have been incredible. Well, yeah, maybe the colbert bump would have been helpful. You are talking about scissoring earlier, you know. Stephen you want to try it. Here, lets do a little thing. Oh, yeah. Stephen i will ask you a question, your line for ellen, okay. Okay, great. Stephen so ellen, thanks for coming on the show. Are you seeing anybody right now . No, actually ive been dating a really nice guy named brad. Stephen oh, really. No, im gay. Stephen what . does brad know . And scene. Wow. Wow. Well, let me ask you, one of my favorite films of yours is juno. I just you know, as a conservative i just love that it was just wonderful, young lady gets pregnant, keeps the valentines, a wonderful valentine for the prolife movement. Thank you on behalf of conservatives. You know, i this think. Stephen please let me thank you. May i say, i would argue that it is very much a prochoice film because juno explores her options. She think approximates about it. She goes to an abortion clinic. And she decides not to do it because that is because the movie would have been short. applause yeah. Stephen oh, i understand. It would have been a short film. Stephen just hollywood looking out for the bottom line. In the en,. Stephen well, ellen page, thank you so much for joining pe moo. Before we go, i just want to make sure that we have actually been here tonight and not just dreaming. Oh. Stephen ellen page, xmen days of future past, ellenthru some of. Thank you. Stephen well be right stephen well be right back. Oh no theyve put up a sign. Capital letters mean business. Or maybe thats natures way of weeding out the timid. Your fortune awaits. [ army guy ] hes back and it looks like hes craving italian. [ godzilla choking ] [ male announcer ] the fourdoor fiat 500l. Its a lot bigger than you think. There was a boy who traveled to a faraway placet 500l. Where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in p new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a good one for you tonight. Tonights guest from the new movie neighbors seth rogen is joining us. [cheers and applause] but first 2014 mid term elections are but six months away. You know what that means. Who will run for the white house in 2016 . Who will run in 2016. How doou