Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140515 : vimarsana.

Everything in golden calf futures. laughter as a catholic, i try to give the pope the benefit of the doubt. So does bill oreilly. The far left is distorting his words, trying to coopt the pope to impose socalled economic justice, which is really sockism, forcefully taking from the haves and giving to the havenotes. I can tell you with certainty that pope francis opposes that form of tyranny as much as the polish Pope John Paul did. Stephen okay, papa bear knows whats in popea bears heart. No redistribution, no socialism. Breaking news, pope francis called for governments to redistribute wealth to the poor. If youre saying take it from here, give it to there, expropriate, i dont know what that is but socialism. Stephen son of a bishop the pope is a socialist i mean, in retrospect, i should have known. He lives in europe and he gives his employees a oneday work week. cheers and applause . He cant do this. Because either the pope is wrong or gods a commie. laughter wait a second come to think of it, he does look an awful lot like karl marx. Plus, jesus was a carpenter. Thats why hes hold a hammer, but, jimmy, whats in his other hand . A sickle no applause no, no, no. I refuse. This cannot be right. I mean, where is it written they cant love both god and money . I mean besides in matthew where geezus says you captain serve god and money. laughter i guess im going to have to choose, money or jesus. I guess ill flip a coin. laughter there you have it. It came up money. laughter cheers and applause nation, the world is aghast at the horrific situation in nigeria. After the kidnapping last month of more than 300 school girls, by the Islamist Terrorist Group boko haram. Out of desperation, local activists started the twitter hashtag bringbackourgirls, in order to plead for International Pressure to rescue the girls because their parents had given up on nigerian government, which is shock evidently, nigeria has a government. I knew they had a prince. I keep emailing him money. Why doesnt he do something . laughter cheers and applause what started as a hashtag has become a movement. Bringbackourgirls has become a worldwide social Media Campaign with more than a million tweets being published using the hashtag. The International Outcry centers on a twitter hashtag appropriately titled bringbackourgirls. Bringbackourgirls has now been used over a million times. Stephen folks, its refreshing to see the world get behind a Hashtag Campaign that has nothing to do with firing me. laughter applause normally cheers and applause under normal circumstances, i love internet memes. After all, the word meme is just the word me twice. And this one is huge. Even Michelle Obama jumped on the hashtagwagon. But i cannot get behind this Twitter Campaign because none of my friends are into it. This picture is of the first lady. I just think this is pathetic. Do something real, folks, not just sit here and think Holding Signs is the same as actions. Do you think its really about helping the people who tweet the hashtag feel better about themselveses . Exactly that. Its an exercise in selfesteem. Are these barbarians in the wilds of nigeria supposed to check their twitter account and say uhoh. Michelle obama is cross with us. We Better Change our behavior. Stephen yes, terrorists in the wild are not on twitter. Theyre up to nasty business. Obviously, theyre using snap chat. Besides, you do not lawch a Twitter Campaign to rescue kidnapped daughters upon. You sunday in liam neeson. Hashtag particular set of skills. All the tweet brigade is doing is raising Global Awareness of these kidnapped girls. Here to raise more Global Awareness of these kidnapped girls is humanitarian activist and subject of the book sewing hope, sister rosemary neerumbe. Thank you, rosemary, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much. cheers and applause . All right, tone it down. Tonight it down. , sister. Youre a holy woman. Heres the book youre the subject of, sewing hope. Theres also a documentary that goes with it. You are a director of st. Moanicicas tailoring center in uganda. Youre a director of the st. Monica since 2001. You were a cnn here no 2007. Thilisted by Time Magazine ase of the 100 most influential people in the world and you work with these young women who were abducted, trying to give them new lives. Is hashtag activism a good thing or bad thing . It is the best we can do, and we havent done enough. We should continue shouting, as i say. We must shout, bring back our girls. Stephen how often does this happen . It happens very often. But we keep silent about it. The world is silent about this. It happens all over the world. It is a global problem. Stephen then why are we hearing so much about this situation . We are hearing much because it continues to happen and we remain silent about it. That is why i am here reminding people, reminding we have to shout about it and bring an end to it cheers and applause . Stephen all right so, a lot of all right. Is there anything else people can do other than the Hashtag Campaign . What can they do to help . I think the more we shout the besbetter. And i also say we must be present in every situation. It is very painful, but if we are not there, if we pretend we are not listening, it will continue. Stephen if we pretend were not listening, it will continue. It will continue. Stephen what if we dont pretend. What if we really just dont listen . Hear me out. Because it makes me sad, okay, and its happening in africa, which is a long way away. How does that affect my life . Why should i be sad for something happening thousands of miles away when there are things at home to be sad about . You cannot be sad because it is happening in africa, because it is part of the humanity, i will feel like jabbing you. cheers and applause . Stephen really . Yes. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen so you, a nurng would punch me . Oh, yeah. I would. Li. Stephen all right. Yeah. Stephen all right. Am i allowed to punch you back . No. Stephen no . No. Stephen how is that fair . Because im going to punch you, and i will win. cheers and applause . Stephen Barack Obama Says he wants the United States to help in the search for these girls. What would be most helpful drones, missiles, troops on the ground . What should we be doing . You know, any peaceful way. I would opt more the peaceful way always, you know. Stephen other than punching me in the face. laughter well, you know,. Stephen youre a hypocrite. Listen to me punching you is the most peaceful way for me now. laughter applause cheers and applause stephen well, sister, thank you so much for stopping by. Sister rosemary neerumbe. The book is sewing hope. Bring back our girls. Well be right back. cheers and applause gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love berry pomegranate mio. Do i just squirt a little . Or you can squirt a lot. Really changes your water. It changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. Squirt some. It changes everything. Land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Doesnt really look like burger. Man 2 grilled beef patty . Thats burgeresque. Man 1 yeah, but the Flour Tortilla is, like, quesadillay. Man 2 its both, okay . You happy . Man 1 dude, its four bucks. I am definitely happy. [ding] waitress welcome to dennys. Is stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, i am feeling fine tonight and its all because of the defeat of a Ballot Initiative last week. Columbus, ohios issue 6 can can which would have raised property taxes to support the schum bus sue famous for jack hannah, americas foremost host to convince hosts to let animals peepee on them. More than 70 of Franklin County voters said no to that zoo levee. Stephen in your face, manatee oh, whichever end of you this is. We owe this victory to the Koch Brothers who helped sway Franklin County voters with this flier calling the zoo tax a money grab. Look at that greedy chimp asking for a handout or a footout. You cant tell with these guys. All you know for sure is the other three limbs are masturbating. As the kochs mayoral warned, this was going to be a massive 105 increase on property taxes. 10 5 that is a scary number. Way scarier than the actual increase 0. 76 , or about 33 for the median homeowner. And all you get for your 23 bucks is one of the best zoos in america. For that kind of money, you could buy your own copy of madagascar on d. V. D. Nation, the kochs victory against the columbus zoo tax shows theyre willing to play hardball even when they play small ball. As the ohio director of americans for prosperity said, there is nothing we wont do, nothing there is no childrens field trip too small for these two men to ruin. laughter their next campaign is banning sharp straws to protect our precious juice box reserves. But were not done fighting this, folks because the columbus zoo promises to try this again as soon as november. We at the the colbert report are not waiting until november. We are creating our own issues add we are willing to sell the Koch Brothers for a billion dollars. Jim. The columbus zoo wants more of your money, but where does that money go . To free housing for foreigners who spend all day high on eucalyptus. To sex feendz getting freaky in front of your children. And governmentsubsidized ollama care. They dont share our genes. And they dont share our values. Its time to lock them up and throw away the key. That should be paid for by americans for prosperity. cheers and applause . Stephen folks, no matter how great yes, i agree. I agree. No matter how great those apes are, lets prove that humans are still best when it comes to flinging our refreshingly sweet and intense. D hard apple cider. And bursting with a crisp apple bite. So try a Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow. Have ohare party repair remove them. And install tostitos cantina chips and salsa. Guaranteed to bring that south of the border je ne sais quoi to any occasion tostitos. Bring the party. [ male announcer ] since we began, mercedesbenz has pioneered many breakthroughs. Breakthroughs in design. Breakthroughs in safety. In engineering. And technology. And now our latest creation breaks one more barrier. Presenting the cla. Starting at 29,900. Starting at 29,900. Avocadoh yeah. Ason at subway. Now thats what im talking about. Try creamy avocado on any of your favorites, like a scrumptious subway club. Cmon man, you know you cant go wrong with avocado. Subway. The official training restaurant we wake up thinking about it. And bake it fresh instore, every day. Its a pretty good job. With some nice fringe benefits. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. cause its the very foundation of your sandwich. We dont take that lightly. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out. We think its our best bread yet. But come in and see for yourself. Bread is on the rise at subway. Which will cause me to miss the end of the game. The x1 entertainment operating system lets your watch live tv anywhere. Can i watch it in Butterfly Valley . Sure. Can i watch it in glimmering lake . Yep. Here, too. What about the dark castle . You call that defense . come on [ female announcer ] watch live tv anywhere. The x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. cheers and applause stephen welcome back everybody. My guests tonight are an Award Winning blues band. Please welcome the black keys. This is your fourth time on the show. Thats got to be some kind of record. Thanks for having us back. Stephen so you guys, you sold millions of albums, you have seven grammys. How much more colbert bump do you guys need, all right . Youre here to suck more magic from me. Magic, we need more magic. Stephen youre magic vampires. How did you working with my prostate influence your new album which is called turn blue. That is braws braut us into our blue period. Stephen this is an image from my colonoscopy on the front. And that dark area in the middle does not look good. I should have that checked out. Okay, you guys are known for your concise blues rock. Your first album had, like, twominute songs on it, right . Yeah. Stephen this one has, like, sevenminute songs on it with twominute guitar leads. Did trayan stazio get to you . Why so long . I dont know, apparently we made the records wrong according to the pitchforks. Our primitive neanderthal minds expanded slightly and could contextualize four to sevenminute songs this time around. Stephen its good for d. J. S because thats enough time to go take a dump. Very generous of you guys. This has a little psyche dealia influence to it. Obviously the spirals on the cover, thats a trip right there. A little influence by the grateful dead, i understand. Yeah, thats the first show i ever saw with my dad was the grateful dead at the richfield coliseum, cleveland, ohio. Stephen was it a good show . I was 13. Stephen how was jerry . Was jerry good . I remember every time this guy with white hair and a big white beard got on stage, everyone screamed. Not even when he was playing. If you saw him pop around the backstage area, everybody started screaming. He thought he was santa claus. Stephen he thought jerry was santa claus . I think so. No, i didnt. laughter stephen lets just be silent with each other for a second. Do you want to do that . Lets just wait for something to arise that we want to talk about, all right . Lets let it happen, okay . laughter cheers and applause stephen patrick, youre looking good. You have been working out . Nope. laughter . Stephen can you guys do a song for . Us. Um, maybe. Stephen lets see what happens. Here to perform a song off their new album turn blue ladies and gentlemen, the black keys. Fever, whered you run to . Fever, whered you run to . Acting right is so routine fever let me live a dream fever im a slave to no one misbehaved too fever, theyre misunderstood wouldnt leave you if i could fever fever cuz im breaking fever got me aching fever why dont you explain break it down again fever got me guilty just go ahead and kill me fever, why dont you explain . Fever, can you hear me . Fever, can you hear me . You shook me like ive never been now show me how to live again ya used to be a blessing but fevers got me stressing realize i have been played but fever let me play the game fever fever, cuz im breaking fever got me aching fever, why dont you explain break it down again fever got me guilty just go ahead and kill me fever, why dont you explain break it down again now if the cold pale light in your eyes reaches those Horizon Lines you know not to leave her now if the cold pale light in your eyes reaches those Horizon Lines cheers and applause stephen the black keys, turn blue. Well be right back. Malcolm campbell broke the land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Berry pomegranate mio. Do i just squirt a little . Or you can squirt a lot. Really changes your water. It changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. Squirt some. A short word thats a tall order. Up your game. Up the ante. And if you stumble, you get back up. Up isnt easy, and we ought to know. Were in the business of up. Everyday delta flies a quarter of Million People while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. Were raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. And applebees new grilled vidalia onion sirloin with that freshfromthefarm, sweet vidalia onion taste takes you straight to your summer happy place. [ man ] whoohoohoo [ male announcer ] hey, it looks like someone ordered right. Tangy Barbecue Sauce and sweet vidalia onions. In season now. Taste of summer entrees now start at just 9. 99. Another fresh reason to see you tomorrow. At applebees. And see you late night for halfprice apps. Its like emmett, here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Oww made strong. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the show but before we go, nation, one last thing if you want to buy one of these bags made by rescue girls at the st. Monicas girls school head to sistersunited. Com. Do it captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org may 13th, 2014 from Comedy Centrals worldviews headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. My guest tonight ron suskind, author of life animated a story of sidekicks, heroes and autism. Very interesting. Now we turn to the troubling state of our democracy which, having hit some tough times, has been left with no choice but to sell its body to the highest bidder. The Koch Brothers, the industrial magnates currently tied for fourth on forbes list of richest americans with 36 billion apiece. In 2012, the Koch Brothers Political Network raised 400 million to support conservative causes. Raised raised found found in the Koch Brothers conservative club house couch cushion. By