Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140519 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show, join us tomorrow night. That brings us to our facebook question of the day, do you think its captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org tonights shocking news on Climate Change. Turns out it was earn climate the whole time. Then amazons latest break through, your book will now be delivered biannual amazon. And my guest keri russell stars on fxs the american, as a russian spy in the 1980s. Or as they called it back then, now. The cdc says half of americans take prescription drugs. The other half are too drunk to open the childproof cap. This is the colbert report captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen, stephen, steph en stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i dont like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. For instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. I said it many times im no fan of pope francis. See, now ive said, ive said it many times, many times. laughter ever since he took over at head of the church hes been a little too welcoming to all gods children. Just last year he said evenatists can go to heaven. Great idea, frank. First dogs, now atheists. What is next, presbyterian, its madness. The only good thing about atheists getting into they have enis i could say i told you so that is my idea of paradise. Well now pope moonbeam over here has driven his welcome wagon where no pope has gone before because at mass on monday its pontiff said if for example tomorrow an expedition of martials came and some of them came to us here, martians, right, green, the long ears and big nose and one says but i want to be bap tides what would happen. When the lord shows us the wave who are we to say no, lord, its not no lets do it this way, who in closed doors. You heard that right, folks. Pope francis would baptize a martian. First you have to convert him to scientology. Not that i find his premise implausible. If an emissary came here from a culture advanced enough to traverse our solar system, land on our planet, communicate with humans, the very first thing it would do would be to find a man with a funny hat and ask him for a head bath. But baptizing aliens is way over the lines. God was very clear on this point in a saya 45212. All the ends of the earth, end of the earth. If an alien wants to be in the catholic church, he should have been raised here by christians on a kansas farm like cardinal superman was. Plus once we baptize the aliens it will only be a matter time you want to take kmoon onand ask yourself you really want to be the one placing a small delicate wafer into this . Game over, man. Game over. Nation, i have spent the last week in a rage. Over the o billiona administrations 8 climate assessment. It made me so angry i have printed it five times. Now originally i dismissed it as just a last stop on obamas apology tour. Come on. Then i read the report. It was terrifying, it left a Carbon Footprint on my jim . Hundreds of scientist experts in businesses not for profit, local communities, all contributed over the course of four years what they found was unequivocally that Climate Change is not some far off problem in the future. Its happening now. The white house issuing a dire report on Climate Change suggesting the extreme weather events we are seeing across the country are manmade. A new study says that Climate Change is going felt today in all 50 states. The northeast is going to see more heat waves. The midwest would suffer more drought followed by flash flooding. Hurricanes in the southeast and wildfires out west. No region of the country will be spared. No region spared. The entire country will become on uninhabitable wasteland not just baltimore. So basing an exi sense crisis beyond anything humanity has ever known, what do we do . Well, that question brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause [bleep] it. Now folks, folks, glob all warming is bad. I have always believed that i have always said that. But doing anything about it is, and i dont want to get too technical here, hard. I am afraid i might have to give something up. And so thats why i wanted to pass the problem along to our grandchildren, along with saving Social Security and mideast peace. You have a lot of work to do grandkids. Get born already. But in light of this new report i could no longer sit idly by. I had to take action, conserve energy, drive a tesla. I even started sorting, you know, my paper from my plastic, you know. I have never recycled before. And yes, yes, is this sacrifice . Sure. But my only concern was is this enough . Well, on monday i got my answer. Scientists warned that a large part of antarcticaa is melting and cannot be stopped. The glaciers are on the verge of collapsing. 40 years of data show the glaciers are melting so fast it is now unstoppable. Scientists say its too late to do anything about the melting glaciers. Wlooep blooep [bleep] it. All right it cheers and applause unstoppable melting. Its out of our hands now. I mean what what a relief i didnt think it would happen but weve finally ran the clock out on the possibility of my personal sacrifice making a difference. And folks, i am not the only one spreading this message of hope. So is florida senator marco rubio who said this on sunday. I dont agree with the notion that some are putting out there including scientists that somehow there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what is happening in our climate yes there are no actions we can take today. An action on sunday might have helped or any day before that, but now thats all water under the bridge. And tell them why tv man. The thaw could trigger rising sea levels by up to 12 feet over hundreds of years. That is enough to put miami beech underwater. Okay, miami. If you like lebron james playing basketball, youll love him playing water polo. So what now . Well, you know what they say . If you cant stop Climate Change, lay back and enjoy it. But now now that its totally futile, lets stop arguing about devices like carbon patches, alternative energy or walking. Instead, we must come together and do what americans have always done, we must burn hydrocarbons for pleasure. And i believe this failure to find a solution could be the solution to all our other failures. Do we have bad schools . Well, if we do nothing, eventually no one will know what they dont know. Are you worried . Are you worried . Are you worried that money and politics is undermining democracy . Just do nothing and soon there will be no democracy left to undermine. Are you and your loved one having relationship problems . Just do nothing and its problems will go away along with your relationship but folks, for the record, i want to be clear, im not saying we just fiddle while rome burns. I say we throw the fiddle on the fire tube. I mean that fiddle is goods kindling which we will need to keep the fire going as the floodwaters dry. And thats the word. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause to pitch in for an industrialsized smoker. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. Where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. Thats the satisfaction of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. [ male announcer ] since we began, mercedesbenz has pioneered many breakthroughs. Breakthroughs in design. Breakthroughs in safety. In engineering. And technology. And now our latest creation breaks one more barrier. Presenting the cla. Starting at 29,900. [ speaking russian ] i have no idea what youre saying, but count me in but count me in when you can have digiorno . Delivery. Or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever. Thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. It still doesnt feel real. Our time together was. So short. Well, since you had progressives total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brandnew one. The tank. The exhaust. Well, she looks just like roxie you know, ill bet shes in a better place now. Flo i know she is. I feel it in my heart. [ heavenly choir sings ] actually, the old roxies over at the junkyard. Flo kkhkkh getting you back on a brandnew bike. Now, thats progressive. [ whirring ] [ wind howling ] a new mint flavor that intensifies as you chew. New 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. Doesnt really look like burger. Man 2 grilled beef patty . Thats burgeresque. Man 1 yeah, but the Flour Tortilla is, like, quesadillay. Man 2 its both, okay . You happy . Man 1 dude, its four bucks. I am definitely happy. [ding] waitress welcome to dennys. Welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Nation, nation, i love the u. S. Of amount of and there are so many things that make america great. We invented flights, we sequence dna. We put cheese in inside a pizza crust. By manipulating the pizzas dna. And all those other nations right there have one thing in common. They are patented. Patents are a after Thomas Edison patented his light bulb he was rolling in cash which he spent perfecting his greatest invention, thomass english muffin which of course started as a failed attempt at a phonograph record. The best part is you dont need to invent the light bulb to receive a patent. Because the cash generating rights have been granted to such actual inventions as the next fannie pack, three legged panty hose and the gerbil shirt. Which innovatively combines a shirt, a gerbil hab i at that time and being alone for the rest of your life. Best of all, best of all, even if your invention never makes a penny, accusing someone of stealing it can. Because in 2011 alone unused patents generated 29 billion in lawsuits, legal fees and settlements worth hens or hundreds of millions of dollars. So in you have an idea, you work hard, some day you too can get sued by someone who had a similar idea. And folks, the patent game has just been elevated to an art form by amazon. Who it was recently reported has been granted the patent for photography against a white background. You heard that right. Amazon now has legal ownership of the idea of displaying a thing. Wait, wait, jimmy, no, that logo it on a white background. Quick, change it to something that amazon wont object to. Thats better okay. Thats good. Now though that is technically still white, because now if anyone displays something on a white background amazon could serve them with a lawsuit. Which of course will be delivered in a massive box that is 90 bubble pack. And amazon did a bang up job in making this idea sound like a thing they have thought of, but in their patent amazon describes in one pithy sentence a background comprising a white a front light source positioned in a longitudinal access intersecting the background and image capture between the background and front light source in the longitudinal access and elevated platform positioned between the image capture position and the background in the longitudinal axis to the front light source being direct toward a subject on the elevated platform. Now i know, i know that sounds like bull [bleep], but its actually male bovine fecal matter extruded on a longitudinal axis. Well, folks, well, folks, im soim plessed by amazons state of the art calling of this. Tonight i am officially filing a patent on the idea of filing a patent. The mechanism applause the mechanism is certainly. When an individual drops off a Patent Application at the patent office, the second the patent hits the desk they are in breach of my patent. At which point they give me money. After that applause once i got the green then its just a question of how many gerbil shirt ms. I going to buy. Well be right bac what is performance . 0 to 60 . Or 60 to 0 . How a car performs in a quartermile . Or a quartercentury . Is performance about the joy of driving . Or the importance. Of surviving . To us, performance is not about doing one thing well. It is about doing everything well. Because in the end. Everything matters. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Average blames the camera for those extra ten pounds. vo beat average. With gnc. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. [ woman 1 ] radiant [ woman 2 ] confident [ woman 3 ] optimistic [ woman 4 ] inspired [ laughs ] [ female announcer ] spring is the time to make it happen with the new kelloggs special k simple 5 plan. No counting, no keeping track. Just make five smart choices every day. And lose up to 5 pounds in 2 weeks. [ woman 6 ] fabulous [ both laugh ] [ female announcer ] kelloggs special k. What will you gain when you lose . [ female announcer ] kelloggs special k. Fame, makes a man take things over fame, lets him loose, hard to swallow fame, puts you there where things are hollow the evolution of luxury continues. The next generation 2015 escalade. Fame in all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together the Fastest Internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future he has a phaser its not a phaser its my phone he can use his voice to control the tv. You can use your woice . My voice. Your woice. My voice. Vuh, voice. His voice. Your woice . Look. Watch scifi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. Sz welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is an awardwinning actress who plays a russian spy on the americans. Which if you think about it would be the perfect cover for an actual russian spy. Please welcome keri russell. applause thanks some of for coming on, good to see you, thanks for coming on the show again. Thanks for having me. Pleasure. I have never been on your show before but thats with a test. You passed. I had to make sure you were the real keri russell and not a spy with a keri russell mask on. Good, good, cool. Are you she. Yes, yes dosvedona. laughter i dont know, you dont know what that means. Knox i dont. You dont know what that means. No i dont. Good. You are an awardwinning actress who fold up your breakthrough on fell is wit films like august rush, waitress, all right. Now youre in the fx series the americans which finished its Second Season on may 21st. I have a beef with you, all right. Okay. This is a complicated depiction of russian spying. Okay. These people have home lives and their own patriotism. And they, you know, kill people, okay. What kind of message do you think thats sending to the youth of america . Well, i mean i think the show is trying to represent, you know, real people in a real way. And that there is no real black or white or bad or good. Its very complicate kd. It has many wednesday il empire, mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. What part of evil empire mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall did you not get from the 1980s. I understand. Well, i mean i think its just its depiction. Its our its Joe Weissberg and his depiction of, you know, a singular story within that world. Heres my secretary problem with you. All right . On okay. Youre a mom right. Youre a mom. Oh what happened there. I just wanted to make myself thats what spies call a honey strap. What is the honey strap by the way. Youll find out later. Colbert report after dark. All right, heres the thing, youre a mom right, you got a couple kids of your own. Yes, i do. Okay. Youre in the series the americans youre a mom whoses also a sexy russian spy who is stealing state secrets and having sex with pem all the time. Isnt that an unrealistic image for women to have to live up to . I mean imagine your own life, having to take the kids to like soccer practice or gymboree and in between you have to steal, you have to steal the submarine plans. Some nights you dont want to steal the plans, you just want to stay at home and make cake pops. Yes, thats true, yeah. All right. Okay. Your character changes her hair style all the time. Yeah. Did you learn nothing from felicity . You change your hair style america gets very up set. So up set are you so right about that. Lets we have a independent here. This is you and your supposed husband. You have been together for like 15 years. Yeah. But thinking how deep this relationship is between the two of you. Yes. But certainly do talk like a troubled couple. Good. Are you in bed . Out like a light. I dont think she slept the whole trip. She say one more thing about nonviolence resistance i was going punch her in the face. At least shes got some passion in her she wants to do something good. She thinks a Church Pastor being arrested for loitering is some kind of hero. I know. I wish i could tell her about the real heroes. You know, people sacrificing themselves for this world, not some stupid childrens story about heaven. Someone sacrificed themselves today. And now i feel sympathy for russia. Are you leap . Yes, yes i am. Did you do any research into become a russian spy. Did you do eye wide along with a spy or with a russian . I z you know, a little bit of recertainly. I read some putins dieography. You read a putin dieography. I did. I was sort of intrigued. Hes fascinating for me. As someone doing the show, is it exciting for everyone at the show that putin is bringing it back . Do you ever say to yourself like come on, invade poland, papa wants another season. It would be fantastic for you. Everything short of a Nuclear Exchange would be positive for you. Basically, yes. One of the consultants on your show, a former cia op rattive. Correct. He actually includes real spy works in the series. Are you giving away state secrets with this tv show . I do know that we have to be approved. Our scripts are all read by the cia. And i think all of everyones everything is fair, thats fair. Join the club. Thats fair. Well, keri russell, thank you so much for joining me. Keri rustle, the show is the americans. Well be right back. You have time to shop for Car Insurance today . Yeah. I heard about progressives name your price tool . I guess you can tell them how much you want to pay and it gives you a range of options to choose from. Huh . Im looking at it right now. Oh, yeah . Yeah. Whats the. Guest room situation . The name your price tool, making the world a little more progressive. It takes place in anhaha, cleveland. I love it babe. Im not your babe. You werent saying that this morning, when youre like. Mmmmm mmmm mmm alright were done. Break up with lingering food. ding mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling. Eat, drink, chew orbit to pitch in for an industrialsized smoker. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. Where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. Thats the satisfaction of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. When you can have digiorno . Delivery. Or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever. Thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. S thiss it for the report, everybody, good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org dee, dee, dee, dee sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee hey sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee what . hey hey. What the hell is this . Oh, yeah. Uhoh. And so it begins