Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140528 : vimarsana.

[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. Kinko demayo drink up. Take a shot here to get the thing sta captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us. Nation, i hope you had a good weekend. I know i did. Folks, what an incredible and exciting weekend. I done know if you had time to do this, i dont know thanks. Folks, i dont know if you had time to catch up on your this weekend. I hope did you because if you did, folks, if you managed to watch some tv this weekend, i hope you caught up on the nfl draft. Because itsed only place these days you can still see College Graduates getting jobs. As always the big story was which player would be the number one pick. Or of the last 8 picks of the 7th round. In the 2014 nfl draft, the st. Louis rams select michael sam defensive end. Michael sam drafted by the st. Louis rams becoming the first openly gay player ever drafted. Stephen first openly gay player, important distinction because i think weve all had our questions about the Dallas Cowboys mascot rowdy. Me thinks he dote proteeth tap much. And michael sams war on traditional gridiron values started as soon as he got the phone call. This is the moment where michael sam got the news that he is going to be a member of the st. Louis rams. There you see the raw emotion. laughter Stephen Holding unnecessary tenderness. Folks this is just wrong. In the nfl sexuality is supposed to take place off camera. And the fans should only find out about it when the charges are filed. Folk, im up set and im not the only one. Jones of the doll fines tweeted ong and horrible. Former super bowl champion tweeted quote im sorry but that michael sam is no bueno for doing that on national tv. Man you, you got little kids look he draft. Stephen yeah, no bueno. Kids are watching. Now well have to answer their uncomfortable questions like daddy, can we stop watching the 7th round of the nfl draft . Its been 48 hours and i want to go to sleep. applause listen up, you can sleep once the steelers fill the holes in their secondary, young man. Now folks dont get me wrong, im a tolerant guy, i dont care who you love as long as you dont launch your body in another mans skull like a missile missile made of pure hate but this kiss made people uncomfortable. Just ask an expert on making people uncomfortable. I thought when he, you know, when he was really going at it, i mean whether i have a kid as well. He was really going at it. Yeah, they were really going at it that is some hardcore closed lip affectionate pecking. Folks, i say that that kiss that kiss alone proves that sam shouldnt be in the nfl. He should be in the mlb because the moment he was drafted he had a divert fake. Nation sorry, nation, i love a good comeback story, thats why my favorite rocky movie is the one with rocky in it. So i was thrilled to hear that one of the biggest stars of the 1990s is making a huge come back. Monica lewinsky, thats her right there. Shes written an article in vanity fair. Shes back. Yup, shes back. Shes back. Guess whos back. Yes, shes back. Thats why we sound so up set. Lewinsky wrote the cover story for this months vanity fair titled shame and survivor. Its like pride and prejudice only the hair winn isnt the one without got the happy ending. For those of you born after the lewinsky scandal first, congratulations on getting your learners permit. Second, Monica Lewinsky is the former white house intern whose affair with bill clinton paralyzed our government as congress attacked the president with a pathological hostility, but he was white so it backfired. Now lewinskys return is great news for republicans because this reminder of the darkest chapter of the clinton legacy comes right before hillary launches her 2016 president ial campaign. Now that campaign is over. Its done, take that bathtub out of storage because were getting president chris christy. Stephen its exactly what hillary wants us to think. Because in reality, this is all part of her plan. I honestly think this is part of the clinton plan of sort of trying to get this out there now. Why now . Theres a lot of conspiracy theories floating out on the timing of this article. The timing is certainly coming under question. Stephen yes, the timing is certainly coming under question. What question . Well, theres one right there. But are there other questions that makes two. And folks whens theres a conspiracy afoot i find the truth in my long twice running segment Stephen Colberts [bleep] certificatesuous. Nation, prepare to have your mind blown as i expose the secret networks of power conspiring to control our every move for instance somehow my teleprompter knows everything im going to say before i say it. Like this sentence im saying right now no matter how fest a say, eggplant, tube sock, potato salad, all those words are already in there. Folks, hillary was behind this article just as surely as she was behind the woman who threw a shoe at her last month. I mean if she were not an evil manipulater why is my impression of her this. applause but the question is why did hillary want this news out now. Time of it benefits hillary, it is good to get it out there talk about it, and dont hide waiting for it, you know, to rear its head again. I really wonder if this isnt an effort on the clintons part to get that story out of the way. Ruth marcus wrote in the Washington Post if and when a clinton president ial announcement comes lewinsky is going to be old news. Stephen hillary is trying to make this 60 yea year 16yearold news old news. You see f we talk about the lewinsky scandal now then we wont be talking about it when shes running in 2016, because if theres one thing the conservative media is known for it is letting things go. Unless, wait, unless thats just what she wants us to think she wants us to think she thinks. laughter because the princess of darkness always has an alternative motive, right eric bolling. The theory that im hearing is this could be completely off base. Stephen a good chance this is [bleep] go ahead. Is that this provides like just remind everyone that bill clinton was a jerk. Stephen busted she wants us to say oh, poor hillary. Her husband was such a jerk. Chichi could be back in the white house but with more free time. But if hillary really instructed vanity fair to print Monica Lewinskys article there must be a paper trail. Its not like you can control the media with her mind. Or can she . Jim . Youre saying you are nodding that would mean there would have to be some level of cole use with the clintons. There doesnt have to be because the media and democrats can communicate without talking. Stephen aha the media can communicate with democrats by reading their thoughts but fox news caught them because they can communicate without thinking at all. cheers and applause nail it. Nail. And folks this clock goes back decades. Back in 1995 hillary clearly gave monica one of her democratic psychic gazes second the message loud and clear give the hum tore my husband in the oval office so that 19 years later we can combine forces to publish an article that will help my president ial chances. If ive seen it once, ive seen it a thousand times. And, and i have seen it once. cheers and applause need more proof . Then youre watching the wrong show. Plav laughter that is it for another edition of Stephen Colberts [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Oralb prohealth toothbrushes have crisscross bristles that remove up to 90 of hard to reach plaque. Feel the difference. Oralb, trust the brand more dentists and hygienists use. Oralb. At oralb, we take pride because we believe in building something. Something to better someone. To better you. To better america. Oralb. Made in the usa. And a razor that gives me healthy looking skin. [ female announcer ] venus olay lets you say goodbye to shave cream with olay bars. That help lock in moisture for less dryness. Venus olay. A Perfect Match for healthy looking skin. To your old cleaning ways again not once youve tried mr. Cleans new liquid muscle. 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Stephen i got my knives out for you, my man. Ready. Stephen welcome to the lions den. All right, lets explain to people who love america who you are. Author of three best selling book, youve written forth New York Times, l. A. Times and the guardian where you are reporting on the nsa scandal and the ed snowden leak. Just won the Pulitzer Prize for public service. applause and a post award for National Security reporting. Your new book is called no place to hide, Edward Snowden, the nsa and the surveillance state, are you looking for a place to hide . Im in the. Stephen really . But if i were, there would be no one in this surveillance state, the title actually comes from frank church who investigated the surveillance state in the mid 70s and found something nobody knew which is that the nsa was collecting enormous amounts of communications. And what he said was this is an extraordinarily dangerous machine that has been building, if it ever turned around and aimed at the American People there would be no place to hide. A very mainstream democratic senator who served in world war 2 and to thats the title of the book becauses that is in fact what happened is the nsa has turned its apparatus on americans as well as the rest of the world. Stephen but we did not know the extent of that until Edward Snowden leaked. And you published it, right . Correct. Stephen okay, so until you told me there was nothing for me to be bothered about. It is true. Stephen arent you kind of the problem. I am, i do plead guilty. Of course, ignorance is bliss. Stephen yes and thats why youre so happy, right. Stephen yes, exactly. Thats why youre beaming with joy. Stephen i will forget everything you said to me as soons you leave the studio. But there is a reason why journalism is protective of the first amendment, and it is because you cannot have a functioning democracy if people in power can hide from those over whom they are ruling the most consequential acts they are doing and the point of journalism is to shine a light on that which they are trying to hide and that is what we did. Stephen well, lets talk about that which they did using your fancy words. Okay, ed snowden, ed snowden has revealed National Security secrets, has fled the country, a traiter to the United States. Why should you not be prosecuted for aiding and abetting an enemy of the United States. That is the argument that has been made every single time somebody comes forward in an ago of conscience like osberg did in 71 that the American Government was lying to the population about the vietnam war and everyone said or a lot of people said he is a traiter,. Stephen he lost the vietnam war for us. He revealed that the American Government knew that it was unwinnable at the same time that they were telling the population that they were winning it. Stephen well never know now. So thats the play book. Stephen well never know. We might have won if he hadnt said that. Its possible. Stephen it undermines the confidence of the American People in their own government, is that what you want . When they are doing things that deserve to have confidence in their actions undermined, yeah it is a good idea for that to be revealed. Stephen now this snowden fellow, okay. He fled to russia. Does he feel more comfortable there . Because its a regime that is totally open and free . laughter was moredoor not accepting asylum. He didnt actually flee to russia. Stephen he fled and hes in russia. Checkmate. Dow want to spin this one. Spin it spin it. He was on his way to latin america, heading through moscow when the u. S. Government revoked his passport. Stephen it is easy, people get lost that way all the time. You just skip right over. Stephen the point is using asylum is not to declare what country you love the most, its to get protection from your own government when they are trying to persecute you such as putting you in prison for 40 years for coming forward with information that fellow citizens ought to have known. Stephen his fellow citizens needed to know this, that is the argument. Thank you, thank you for your support. How about these things did his fellow citizens need to know we were also spy on the russian and chinese army or mexico or the al qaeda link Islamic State of iraq or the Afghan Ministry of Foreign Affairs or hasan bule wife who is an associate of osama bin laden, all those things were revealed as well. How is that not given away american state secrets or dow believe there should nobody es meanage. No there should be es meanage. He actually didnt reveal any of that. What he did was he came to newspapers and said i want you to this information and disclose what it is, the public ought to know and withhold that which they should. Most of those most of those stories that you just referenced were public by the newspaper called the New York Times for which he actually gave no documents. Stephen dont use the New York Times in defense of me. You believe you believe they did the right thing by publishing that. I do. Stephen you do. I do. Stephen you believe the United Statess secrets of our intelligence apparatus should be revealed. The privacy rights of american citizens matter a great deal. Stephen these arent american citizens. The privacy rights of nonamericans, the privacy rights of. Stephen its privacy rights of nonamericans dont have privacy rights. They do, do, they do. Stephen no, they dont. If they want privacy right they should become american citizens and give them up. That is one theory. The other theory is that the internet is this global means of communication an if the United States government is invading it, turning it into this mass you big quittist system of surveillance which they are doing you really cant segregate what they are doing to americans verse nonamericans tk makes the internet weakened it makes it so that all communications that take place electronically over the internet are known to the nsa, collected, monitors and store and that is what sneeden thinks we should have known it about and i find it hard to believe that anyone would say we would remain better off to remain ignorant of what our own government is doing to the American People. Stephen these are not all internet. They are telephone, internet. Stephen telephone isnt internet. Good point. Stephen did i just win the argument. You won that part of the argument. Stephen thank you very much. Con gattlations. Stephen where is my pulitzer . laughter hold on one second. Weve got to go to a commercial break. But well be right back with more glenn g g [ male announcer ] ode to the subway chicken bacon ranch melt. Tender chicken, smoky bacon, melted monterey cheddar, creamy ranch. In the quiz show where hungers the Million Dollar question, this is the sizzlin hot answer. Subway. Eat fresh. This is the sizzlin hot answer. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Hit the beach in florida. And a reunion in seattle. We can afford to take more trips this year. [man] when hotels have unsold rooms, they use hotwire to fill them. [woman] so we got our 4star hotels. For half price. Hotwire hotwire. Com when you can have digiorno . Delivery. Or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever. Thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Ohoh, oh, oh, la, lala, lala, lala nanana, nanananana some things just go together, like auto and home insurance. 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One of the things that happened is the nsa made all kinds of claims of what they are doing and not doing and we have made other claims and a lot of times they are in conflict so what i wanted to do was publish a document that the nsa created when they thought they were speaking in private. That they thought nob would know what they were saying. So many of the documents they describe their on jifkts and missions is wildly different than what they say in public so there is one document that says our collective posture is collect it all, sniff it all, process it all, exploit it all. Not collect the communication of terrorists or people doing bad things, collect it all. They collect billions, sniff it all, exflight all. Process it all. Stephen wow. And they collect billions, billions with a b of emails and telephone calls every single day. So they do things like if people around the world buy routers which is from American Companies they literally physically the product out of the mail, open occupy the package, stick a back door device into it and reveal it the factory product and send it on to the unwitting user. Stephen internet router, a switch, a server, thins that they have been accuse the chain ease government of doing for years and urging people not to buy chinese products which they themselves have been doing so people will buy American Products that they kin individual. Stephen so if i, if my net gear router isnt working one day i can just call the nsa for Customer Service . Theyre probably came from them there say good chance that it did. So maybe they can help you with it. Stephen all right. All right. So you dont live in the United States any more. Where are you what are you hiding, you live in brazil. I do. Stephen they do terrible things. The United States may collect all of our emails but they take all of your body hair. Theres got toing something about that. That is the next book. Stephen that will sell a lot. There are pictures and everything. Stephen you said there are more stories coming. Is there anything as big and as juicy as has already been released . I genuinely believe that the story that is the biggest one that will make the biggest impact and will shape how the events of the last ten months are viewed by history is the story on which we are currently work that hopefully will be ready within four to eight weeks. Stephen what is it about. It is one of the missing pieces is on whom is the nsa buying in america, who are they targeting, for what purpose who are these people that they are declaring to be sufficient threats that it warrants reading their emails and what is the pattern of people that they have targeted. Are these political dissident, critics of u. S. Foreign policy or terrorist, that is the reporting that remains to be done. Stephen is it good news . Its hard for me to preview but i think you can assume that if i think its the biggest story that will say how it gets remembered that will are volume interesting revelations that we are working as hard and fast as we can to get published and lots of other stories that remain in the archives as well. Stephen glenn, thank you so much for being here. Please have someone else start your car for a while, all right . Glenn greenwald no place to hide. Bells be right [ telephone ringing ] [ female announcer ] is your morning trying to tell you something . Maybe we should have gotten him one . [ female announcer ] sweet, chilled, creamy mccafe iced coffee from mcdonalds. Wait thats the teleprompter guy. [ female announcer ] another reason to love mccafe. [ female announcer ] another reason to love mccafe. Hey, buddy . Oh, hey, flo. You want to see something cool . Snapshot, from progressive. My Insurance Company told me not to talk to people like you. You always do what they tell you . No. Try it, and see what your good driving can save you. You dont even have to switch. Unless youre scared. Im not scared, its. You know we can still see you. No, you cant. Pretty sure we can. Try snapshot today no pressure. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Mans version of a day at the spa. A mountain of juicy steak, melted cheese, in a loaf of freshly baked bread so big, ya need both hands to hold it. Subway. Eat fresh. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody, good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org pelton [over pa] dont forget, greendale. Its the last day to sign up for a Spring Semester elective. Horseback riding, waterskiing, fencing. Those are just a few classes we can afford to offer if enough people pay to learn hopscotch. Oh, theyve got a class on jokes. Dont take that. I dropped it after the lesson on setups. The professor is so old. So many classes. I dont know what to choose. Ill give you the advice my father gave me the night i lost my virginity. Just pick one. They all cost the same. You could take the actor inside with me and troy. Howd you get dragged into that one . Our Dance Teacher encourages us to take acting to tap into our emotions, so troy and i both decided to take it together. Hm. Foosball was full . On the wait list. Dont give up. I was on the wait list for this class for a year and i got in. Who indeed a critical analysis of televisions whos the boss . The professor is the author. We got him . I know. So, what are you taking, jeff . While you are expanding your minds and souls, ill be expanding my liver in italian wine tasting. [speaking in italian] im taking that one too. How do you say ha, ha in italian . Ill look it up. Come on, itll be fun. I can give you pointers. I was a lawyer at a toptier law firm. When i wasnt shielding the wealthy, i was drinking their finest wines. You have your own wine cellar . Pierce does. And its ha, ha. Anyone can have a cellar. Its whats in it. Pierces has a special gym with swings and saddles. Uh, we dont we dont discuss the special gym. Man [over pa] attention, please. Attention, please. All elective forms must be in by the end of the day. Pelton [over pa] oh, nice job, manuel. And good news, theres still plenty of room