Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140619 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show. Here it is, the moment of zen. There are two rules in politics. They say never ever be pictured with a drink in your hand and never swear. But this is a big [bleeped] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org stephen tonight, a new secret weapon to defeat. She cant run for president if shes Binge Watching orange is the new black. Then a longtime g. O. P. Senator is in trouble. The raccoon on rand pauls head woke up, and it is not happy. And my guest katty kay and Claire Shipman believe womens brains work differently. I dont understand what that means and it makes me angry. Police in fresno, california, busted a meth lab in a retirement community. They got suspicious when no one there had any teeth. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] [audience chanting stephen] steep welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen. [audience chanting stephen] [cheering and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. Nation, folks, i have gone. I have got some enormous news tonight, huge news, breaking today. It has been nearly two years since the tragic attack on our consulate in bank of benghazi. Ever since there has been only one question. What is this, almost two years after benghazi, no one has been captured, no one has killed. None of the attack verse been arrested. The people who committed this crime in benghazi have never been arrested. Why hasnt anyone been arrested . Yes, we must wring those responsible from benghazi to justice. And sadly, Hillary Clinton remains at large. [laughter] oh, wait, and yesterday this happened. U. S. Special forces moved in and captured the socalled mastermind of the attack in benghazi. The u. S. Was able to capture ahmed abu khattalah, the leader of an Islamist Terrorist Group in libya. Stephen yes, we got our man. Justice has been served. Usa usa usa is what they want us to think. But its going to take more than what we demanded to satisfy us. Why did it take so long to bring this guy in . What took so long . For those keeping track, its been 642 days. It took 642 days after the attacks to land one suspect. This guy has been drinking strawberry frappes and lattes for 642 days. Whats up . Stephen whats up . Why did it take so long . Khattalah was interviewed by the New York Times sipping a strawberry frappe on a patio. They could have just looked for the terrorist with the frosty pink mustache. [laughter] president bush did not wait 642 days to catch bin laden. If he couldnt catch him right away, he wasnt going to catch him at all. Thats called having some pride. Folks, we will have more on this story as soon as i can figure out why its bad. But in the meantime, there are people out there who will continue to tell you that Hillary Clintons ambitions are not tied to the scandal in benghazi, but heres a coincidence im about to talk about her. [laughter] Hillary Clinton, is she running for president . Well, dont ask her. I havent made up my mind. Im going to decide when it feels right for me to decide. I have to say, i dont know. Stephen she doesnt know. All she knows is shes doing town halls on her nationwide book tour with a giant bus that says, ready for hillary. It could mean anything. [laughter] but if Hillary Clinton does run, shes going to be tough to beat. She has name recognition. She has experience and two x chromosome, and thats really going to help in those parts of the country that have women. Folks, i am not worried because the g. O. P. Has a new weapon to take her down. Hillary clintons precampaign book tour arrived in d. C. And the Republican National committee welcomed her with ridicule in the form of a giant squirrel asking clinton supporters, another Clinton White house are you nuts . Stephen thats right. A giant squirrel. Because sure, clintons gone toetotoe with some of the toughest men on the planet, but has she ever taken on mansides rodent . I think nut. And the squirrel here has been going after hillary with tweet zingers like, Hillary Clinton is squirrely if she thinks the taliban arent a threat to us and Hillary Clinton is trying to hide her record on benghazi the way i hide acorns. Wow. Those are some stinging nut puns. I cant wait for more. Cashew believe shes running . Hillary pecant be our next president. We need a border walnut. Remember, she murdered vince foster. Pistachio. Nation, this is the best use of mascot in politics since Stephen Douglas dressed up as banana and said lincoln was unappealing. And this brandnew idea to attack Hillary Clinton will definitely work because it is actually a brandold idea to itack obama that did not work. You see, back in 2008, to showcase obamas involvement with acorn, the squirrel made appearances waving behind Chris Matthews on msnbc and dancing at democratic press conferences in ohio before being kicked out by the police. Everyone was shocked, especially his friend, the chipmunk. And yet six years later, there are still a few details about the squirrel they have not worked out. For example, the name of the squirrel is still tbd. Folks, i have no doubt in my mind that republicans will come up with something really funny like they did with reince preibus. [laughter] now, this squirrel has been following clinton for a week, and a spokesman for the rnc promises that were going to do it for as long as it works. And i cannot wait for whenever that starts. Because yesterday the squirrel was the victim of a sneak attack. Hello, mr. Squirrel. How are you . I know youve been following me around. While youre in between your gig, i wanted you to get a copy of my book. You bring a smile to a lot of peoples faces. Thank you, mr. Squirrel. [applause] stephen she made friends with him. He was so rattled that he later tweeted, thank you, Hillary Clinton. I love fiction. Come on, squirrel. Yeah, thats a dig at hillary, but theres not one nut pun in there. What about, thanks, hillary, but if i wanted to read a lot of books, i would have entered macadamia. Obviously, obviously hillarys just too tough to be taken down by one recycled mascot. Its going to take at least two recycled mascot. So tonight in support of the rnc, i am repurposing the colbert reports old mascot, mcgnaw the glutenfree beaver. Come on in, mcgnaw. Hi. Hi, everybody [cheering and applause] stephen mcgnaw, mcgnaw, thank you so much for coming back, wasdy. My pleasure, stephen. This beaver is eager to do it. Yay [cheering and applause] stephen now previously youve educated kids about the dangers of gluten and celiac disease. Yep, kids, listen to your friend mcgnaw, dont eat bread, eat wood instead. Stephen kids, to be clear, in this example, wood is a metaphor for fruits and vegetables. Or wood. Stephen lets move on. Mcgnaw, are you prepared to join mr. Squirrel and take on Hillary Clinton . You bet. Ive got some questions about her decision to vote for the war in iraq. Stephen like . Like why did she vote for it. Stephen okay. But you might want to pepper that with some beaver puns. Like what . Stephen like if she had to do it over, wood she chews to do it again . Huh . [applause] i dont know, stephen. That doesnt seem appropriate for the gravity of this subject. I was reading an article in propublica, and im troubled by the fact that Hillary Clinton didnt even read the National Intelligence estimate before voting to commit troops to an openended conflict in the middle east. Stephen dam. Thats a scary tail, beaver. Why am i here, because im a beaver you had on staff or do you really want some answer centers. Stephen i dont understand why you wont do any beaver puns. The puns are for kids. Youre asking me to ask questions to an adult woman who can ascend to the highest office in the land. I think puns are a little beneath my dignity as a journalist, and they should be beneath your dignity, too. [audience reacts] stephen no, no, no. Hes right. Im sorry, mcgnaw. I just didnt know it was that important to you. Well, im not just a onetrick beaver. Im trying to branch out. [cheering and applause] stephen like a tree branch . All right, [bleeped] you, man, [bleeped] you. [cheering and applause] stephen mcgnaw, the glutenfree beaver, everybody. Well be right back. Mcgnaw, im sorry. Im sorry. Yeah, im gonna need 40,000 pairs of flippers. 70,000 bags of ice. 33,000 tubes of sunscreen. A cake with a lady inside, a cake with a dude inside, and then a cake with some cake inside for all the people that love some cake. Ooh i like him. Lets find out his tuxedo size. Yeah im back whats that . Oh yeah yeah, no its perfect. Did i already order ice . Bud light is creating a town this summer and you can go. Find out more on upforwhatever. Com. This little light of mine im gonna let it shine this little light of mine [kids fighting] im gonna let it shine this little light of mine im gonna let it shine believe in yourself we do. Go you. Cigna. Tell us how being true to yourself keeps you healthy at cigna. Com goyou stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, i dont know about you guys, but i for one, i am still reeling from eric cantors stunning primary loss to tea party challenger. Virginia has not seen this kind of upset since robert lee turned out to be the second greatest military mind of his era. Clearly everyone who thought the tea party was dead in the water forgot how important water is in the teamaking process. Thats just science. The only science they accept, by the way. And now yet another republican incumbent could be tea partied in mississippi. Talk radio host Chris Mcdaniel is in a republican primary runoff against incumbent senator and sitcom grandpa thad cochran. Mcdaniel has an eightpoint lead over cochran because hes reinforced narrative that the sixterm senator cochran is out of touch with mississippi. But senator cochran recently gave a speechwhat apparently was a matlock convention. [laughter] where he proved his mississippi downhome roots. My fathers family was here. My mothers family was from rural hinds county near utica. It was fun. It was an adventure. To be out there in the country and to see what goes on, picking up pecans from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals. [laughter] stephen yes. Indecent things with animals. Now theres man of the people. And when people are not available, anything warm. Folks, this is how you win an election by implying that you banged a cow. Cochrans message is im not one of those bigcity types who does decent things with animals. Personally i want to thank cochran. Im from south carolina, which isnt that far from mississippi, just a few hundred miles as the sheep flees. And all my life, i have dealt with hateful stereotypes about southerners. But now senator cochran has stepped up and shown the world a positive image of southerners. Were intelligent, caring people who also [bleeped] animals. I mean, why, think about it, why do you think. Why do you think we eat so much barbecue . Were getting rid of the witnesses. [laughter] this is game changer, folks. If mcdaniel wants to have any chance in the primary, he needs to knock out a few teeth, put on straw hat and onestrap overall and show up to his next stump speech with one hand holding a jug of moonshine and the other one holding his sisters titty. Otherwise im afraid, im afraid it will be senator cochran having the Victory Party at campaign headquarters, and, of course, the victory afterparty at the petting zoo. By the way, republican squirrel, stay the hell out of mississippi. Well be right back. [cheering and applause] not buying her bluff. Good call. Sharing the wealth . Better call. You cant lose with wendys new steakhouse junior cheeseburger deluxe for just 1. 49. Your night just got better. What art thou drinking isaac . Giveth me a redds apple ale gravity whats that . I have no idea. Redds apple ale. Crisp like an apple. Brewed like an ale. And here. But what about here . [ female announcer ] neutrogena® visibly even daily moisturizer with a clinically proven soy complex. It diminishes the look of dark spots in 4 short weeks. And just like that your skin will look radiant and more even. Even from here. [ female announcer ] visibly even moisturizer and new bb cream. From neutrogena®. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guests tonight have a new book about improving womens confidence. Step one write a book that gets you on my show. Please welcome katty kay and Claire Shipman. [cheering and applause] katty, good to see you again. Claire, thanks for coming on. All right. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having us. Stephen im late outnumbered. Thats the way we like it. Stephen lets get this done. Katty, youve been on the show before. Claire, youre a longtime correspondent for abc news and good morning america. Katty, youre an anchor for bbc world news america. Youve written a new book called the confidence code the science and art of selfassurance what women should know. Why do women need a book to teach them to be confident . Isnt needing a book needy . It is. Stephen shouldnt they have the confidence . I want to sell some books, dont get me young, were going to sell some books, but doesnt the faj of buying the a book seem like youre not confident enough do it we yourself . Absolutely. Women at work dont feel as confident as men do often. It has a longterm effect on our careers. For example, women tend to apply for promotions or jobs when we feel we have 100 of the qualifications. Men, this may surprise you, will do it when they feel they have 06 for the qualifications. You can imagine what that means over the course of a career. Stephen we wing it. You wing it. Stephen men wing it. Why dont women have the confidence they need . Why dont they just grow a pair. Thats my book. Growing a pair wood homeothe colbert way. It works for you, but it doesnt seem to work for most women. Men routinely overestimate their abilities by some 30 . Women tend to underestimate their abilities. What were trying do with this book is get womens perception of their talent in line with their real talent. Women have plenty of talent. We just think that we dont. Stephen were you always confident . For instance, why did it take two of do you write the book . Did you not have the confidence to write it by yourselves . Yes, thats right. We have to team up. Stephen i understand. Its like going to the bathroom together. How did he know about that . Its partly genetic. Claire and i for the book had our genes tested. Stephen what did you find out . We are not at all confident, genetically. Stephen what is the gene that says that youre not confident . This might get complicated. Stick with us. There are a number of diswhreens contribute to confidence. There needs one confidence gene. They affect things, the neurotransmitters in our brain like seratonin, dopamine, oxy toe sin. Stephen testosterone. You guys should try some androgel. Rub it all over. Yes, testosterone is a huge confidence boost. Unfortunately, you may know this, women dont have as much of that as men, but testosterone encourages risk taking, not always great risk taking, economies can collapse with a little too much testosterone. Stephen but its a fun ride on the way. I think if women could take more action, take more risks, be prepared to fail, not be so perfect all the time, were obsessed with being perfect, that can hold us back from being confident. I think. Stephen is that just hubris that you think youre obsessed with being perfect . Well, we are perfect. Stephen all right. All right. Does everyone start out with the same amount of confidence and then its whittled away in, you know, in a process that scientists call middle school . Is there. Is it nature or it is nurture . Some of it is nature, some 25 is what were born with, thats our d. N. A. And some of it is what happens to us in school, and actually, its girls are doing great in school. Were getting straight as. Were coloring in the lines and keeping our heads down and doing super well. Then we leave school and somehow the rules change. Stephen the book is called the confidence code. You also wrote a cover article for the atlantic called the confidence gap. Which is it the code or the gap and does the confidence gap have anything do with the thigh gap . Were not going there. Stephen what do you mean by code . What is the code . What is the code . Should we tell him . I dont know. Are you ready . Stephen im ready. By the way, before we get to the code, theres a test you can take. You go online and take the test. And about your level of confidence. Now, will this. Im hesitant to take the test because im afraid. I think im man. Im afraid i might find out that im just an extremely confident woman. If you havent found that out already, stephens, then im not sure we can help you. Stephen i have childbearing hips. Hes trying to get back to the thighs again. Yes. Stephen for anyone out there who has daughters, whats the thing you can do to give them the greatest confidence . A couple things. Do let them fail. Let them risk. Dont let them focus all the time on getting a perfect score on every test, turning in all of their homework on time. I now that sounds counterintuitive, but when they say, who cares, let them learn from that. Let them go with that. Sports. Sports is also incredibly important for girls. Stephen really . Really, really, really, not just for being healthy. It teaches us to win, but also to lose. That business of failing again. You lose a game and you realize you have to carry on playing. You cant let your team down. Get back out on to the pitch. Thats really important. Stephen how important it is to be a [bleeped] artist . Because men are supreme bull [bleeped] artists. In todays New York Times there was a study by the Pew Research Center that says male politicians more often lie in stump speeches, but the audience tends to believe them more because of the confidence with which they tell the statistics on the stump speech. Heres an example. I just made that study up. [cheering and applause] thank you so much. Katty kay, Claire Shipman, the confidence code. Well be right back. Andale, ya llegaron tus amigos. Play peel, play, ole, ole from mcdonalds. luis papa and you could win a trip for two to the fifa World Cup Final in rio theres something new to love at mcdonalds. Hey so im looking at my bill, and my fico® Credit Scores on here. We give you your fico®core each month for free looking at my bill, awesomesauce wow the only person i know that says that is. Lisa . Julie . at discover, we treat you like youd treat you. Get the it card and see your fico® credit score. You have to leave the couch to believe. Seize the summer with up to 40 off hotels from travelocity. What kind of beer do you want . Get me a. Get me a redds apple ale. Yea. Me too. Redds apple ale. Crisp like an apple. Brewed like an ale. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, after the rxbox, on life time, ive been, busy. So i look forward to my downtime. Xbox, go to titanfall. This is insane. Check this out xbox, snap tv. It does two things at once so i can play games while i watch my favorite shows at the same time. Whoa. Xbox, record that. I just wish i had more time to play yo. Xbox one now starting at 399. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central its 11 59 and 59 seconds. 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