Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140702 : vimarsana.

Photobombing a picture of map after. [laughter] after losing two races in a heavily hispanic community. Hes found a way to get his name out there. Get another name out there. He surrounded a candidate seeking office in arizona. Scott fistler has legally changed his name to cesar chavez. Stephen adios, scott fistler. Hola, cesar chavez. You know what they say, if you cant beat em, pretend you joined em. Now, if cesar chavez strikes a cord with my hispanic viewer, its because it is also the name of the founder of the united farm workers who popularized the slogan, si se pueda, which means yes, we, can, but if he were alive today, chavez might be saying, oh, no he didnt. But this isnt merely political pandering, folks, this change was a long time coming. As the politician formally known as fistler explained, he experienced many hardships because of his name. I dont see why. I mean, fistler, thats a great name for a leader. It sounds like hes the hitler of fisting. [cheering and applause] heil fistler. [laughter] so fistler just wanted to change it to something that would be a popular name with voters. So i think it showed great restraint that he didnt just go with cherry garcia. [laughter] but Cesar Chavezs campaign isnt just about a confusing name. Its also about a confusing web site. On his campaign web site, chavez features images of crowds of People Holding chavez signs and wearing tshirts, but the pictures are actually from a rally from the late venezuelan president president hu go chavez. Stephen oh, oh, oh. So all hispanic rallies look alike . That is racist. Unfortunately the web site is unclear about how to contribute to the campaign. Do i use this do indicate now button up here at the top, or one of these nine donate now buttons down here. I mean, it makes sense. You need one button for each candidate hes pretending to be. [laughter] folks, senior chavezs strategy shows how republicans can win the white house in 2015. Just field a slate of minority candidates. Theres lots of choices. Theres pancho villa, Martin Luther king, mahatma gandhi, aung san suu kyi, harriet tubman, sitting bull. Oh, sitting bulls got a real chance, well, unless Hillary Clinton decides to run. [cheering and applause] nation. Last week i told you about rescued Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl and the growing cable news consensus that he does not deserve to be alive. Especially when you consider who we gave up for him. Five taliban killers, essentially the cabinet of the taliban. Its not just any random accused terrorists but five taliban commanders. South carolina senator Lindsey Graham is calling the former detainees the taliban dream team. The president swapped an alleged deserter for the taliban dream team. The taliban dream team. The dream team. We gave up the dream team. Wait [cheering and applause] great. Now who are we going to send to the real olympus in 2015 . Abdul was deadly in the paint. Well, deadly pretty much everywhere, but especially the paint. Meanwhile, bergdahls a deserter who did ballet, whose dad has a beard and who pursued a lifestyle that 99 of americans cannot relate to, volunteering to fight in afghanistan. The point is everything about bergdahl is an affront to the heros who serve on the front lines of fox news. Bergdahl may have even collaborated with the enemy, the taliban. Clearly the words are written on the wall that he was a deserter. A loser, a deserter who has killed men. Hes a traitor. It seems to me hes pretty lucky he was brought home the way he was because if those special forces had found him, he would have come home either in a body bag or come home and gone straight to jail. Thats right, kimberly. If our soldiers had found him, they might have arrested him, but they just as likely would have murdered him in a heroic act of vigilante justice like in the movie fragging private ryan. [laughter] but even more disturbing, even more disturbing than the rescue of this traitorous deserter who deserved a field execution is the possibility that his five years of taliban captivity might have had some sad parts that make him sympathetic. Bergdahl has told military officials his captivity was a terrifying and lonely ordeal with long periods of solitary confinement that only got worse when he tried to escape. Army Sergeant Bowe bergdahl is telling his doctors that the taliban tortured and beat him during five years of captivity. During all this time, he struck to his religion, christianity. The taliban say that they gave him permission to celebrate christmas. Stephen and worse, while he was celebrating christmas, the taliban wished him happy holidays. Folks, folks, this is so unfair. How can bergdahl be a good christian . You dont see jesus walking off into the desert. Is there any way. Is there any way we can say that his torture was not so bad . He did, bergdahl, admit that he was tortured by the taliban and kept in a cage after an attempt to escape is what his account is relaying right now. Yeah, so that was reported on friday that they had a customized cage with him and left him in there maybe in solitary confinement. This guy had his own customized cage . Oh, i couldnt possibly be confined in an offtheshelf cage. Im too fancy for that. I want one with brushed steel bars and a monogrammed poop bucket. Okay, okay, thats a good start. Hes got fancy cage. But could we make it seem like he actually liked these guys . It shouldnt be a surprise to anyone that he was tortured and it was horrific. There was a report too on this channel that by the end of his captivity, he was playing soccer with these guys. Stephen playing soccer with these guys . For all we know the talibans mom brought orange slices. It sounds fun. Im betting getting captured was clearly his goooooooal [cheering and applause] but can we prove that bend it like bergdahl here is on the talibans side . Well, luckily cnn found a way to boil this complex story down to the one question that matters do you watch homeland . Its a story with so many subplots that no wonder mr. Are comparing bergdahl to brody, the freed american hostage on showtimes homeland. You almost think youre watching homeland. Stephen yes, and id almost think i was watching the news. [cheering and applause] you see, bergdahls story is exactly like the showtime drama homeland about a rescued p. O. W. Who may have been brainwashed by islamic radicals. If you think about it, the similarities are nearly existent. Look at the shows. There were families involved. There was a reintegration back in society. The show homeland original indicated in israel. They had experience with these prisoner swaps. Hopefully he wasnt watching homeland and modeling his story after that because it doesnt end well for nicholas brody. Steep yes, i certainly hope he wasnt watching showtime in his customized taliban cage. [applause] or worse, starz. That is torture. Folks, it all lines up. They both have families. They both come from society. Homeland originated in israel and bergdahl is real. Im telling you, im telling you, folks, you cannot make this stuff up, although we will continue to try. Well be right back. [cheering and applause] dig in. Because after a few icy seconds youll discover the light beer brewed for 21 days. And thats time well spent. When you want a real light beer. Its miller time. Can i pet your cloud please . Sure [ rumbling ] woah aah he doesnt like to be touched there. Mmm [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow taste the rainbow. [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow bibbi i bobbidi boo when was the last time your Wireless Company made you feel like this . The new Cricket Wireless lieves you should be doing a lot more of this. So we dont have any of those silly annual contracts. But we do have a whole lot of coverage. For not a lot of money. So everyone. Can feel like this. Sign up and get a free 4g smartphone. On our nationwide 4g network. After 50 mailin rebate cricket visa promotion card. The new Cricket Wireless. Something to smile about. Mwould not slow down. When they told him he had reached the limit. He just had one thought faster. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . [cheering and applause] stephen thank you very much. Welcome back, everybody. Nation, you know, i was drawing on this piece of paper. Heres the thing. [audience chanting stephen] god, i love you. Nation i like at, but i dont always get it. Ive stared at Andrew Wyeths christinas world for hours, but my eyes can never unfocus to see the trex and the volcano, and as much as i enjoy art, sometimes its the craziest [bleeped] thing ive ever heard. Folks, if youre like me, whenever you see masterpieces by someone like Vincent Van Gogh, whether it be starry night or sun flowers, it always makes you ask the Big Questions like what would his choppedoff ear look like . Well, wonder no longer. Would you pay to see a human ear in an art museum . The ear of artist Vincent Van Gogh is about to go on display. In 1888, the dutch artist had a psychotic breakdown and inexplicably severed his own ear. Now a German Museum has a replica of the ear using cells actually grown from van gos great, great nephew. Thats right. Its that exciting time in every century when German Museums begin displaying human body parts. Folks, and this one really disgusts me. Theres your european style socialized medicine. Van gogh has to wait 126 years to get his ears fixed. [cheering and applause] now, according to the eartist, diemut strebe, the stillalive still life was created by using cells from the great, great grandson of vincents brother theo to grow the ear and a 3d printer to shape it. And if you think paper jam is tough, try clearing out an ear jam. Nation, this is the most Successful Use of bioengineering in art since Pablo Picasso created that fiveboobed lady so he could paint her. It could very well usher in a whole new movement. Think about it. Using this same technology, we might finally be able to see what this guys face looked like before it was mangled in a horrible applepicking accident. Or even better, even better, we can finally glimpse the venus de milo as she was meant to be. And the best part about this exhibit is that visitors can talk to it. Visitors to a German Museum are waiting in line for hours, literally to ask questions through a microphone to Vincent Van Goghs regrown ear. Think of your question for van goghs ear, please. Stephen ive got one why, god, why . Because i have seen ears grow on corn. I have seen ears grown on mice. But an ear growing in a museum, thats a craziest [bleeped] thing i have ever heard. Bacardi family. The fire of 1880 couldnt stop us. Nor did prohibition in the 1920s. Or exile from our home country in the 60s. The bacardi family didnt just survive, we thrived. Because true passion cant be tamed. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Take t e dare to krave challenge on facebook, now tmobile is setting music free. Stream all the music you want. Data charges do not apply, on the data strong network. Mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaa what . get some while you still can. Here this summer. Gone this summer. Bread. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out, making this our best bread yet. Bread is on the rise at subway. And took others out, making this our best bread yet. Hey, razor. Check this out. Its time to get a hotel. We can save big with priceline express deals. Hey you know what man, these guys aint no dragons. Theyre cool. These deals are legit. Yeah, were cool. Shes cool. Were cool. Welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is family therapist. I hope youre watching with someone you are pretend throsmg please welcome esther perel. Ms. Perel, thank you so much for coming on. Good to see you. All right. Young lady, besidessing with being the author of the book mating in activity unlocking erotic intelligence, youre a couples finally therapist in new york city and you specialize with people having affairs and you actually in the past year you exploded on the web with a talk you gave about why people have affairs and how the keep relationships fresh. Especially sexually. 4. 5 Million People have watched it. All right. So ill bite. All right. [laughter] this is how i keep things fresh. Why do people have affairs . And do you think its okay for them to have them . [laughter] ill start from the second part. Stephen okay. An affair is a betrayal. An affair is a violation of trust that is never okay. Steep okay some never have an affair. But people do. And they have had Affairs Since marriage was invented. So much so, youre looking at me strange. Steep, no not at all. Im waiting for the other shoe to drop here. So far nothing too controversial. No. So the interesting thing for me in trying to understand infidelity is to look at the fact that people express their discontent or their loneliness or their sexual frustrations and that that leads them to be unfaithful is not so difficult. What strikes me is why happy people cheat, why people who are actually loving their partner and are committed to their family, to their children, to the project that they created together also find themselves straying, why they end up some day crossing a line that they never thought they would cross. And then the question is for a glimmer of what . What is it that theyre actually longing for, seeking . Stephen i think theyre seeking sex. Actually, no. Stephen no . No. Stephen no. No. I think its a very easy thing that we often want to think that affairs are about sex. Fairs are very little about sex and a lot about desire. Affairs are. Stephen desire for. Desire for attention, desire to experience a sense of aliveness, vibe si, vitality. Stephen in the groinal aerial. The groinallary is a very narrow view of where sex takes place. Stephen some are wider than others. [cheering and applause] please. Go ahead. Okay. , so you know. Stephen so happy people have fairs. Yes. Because sometimes we dont only leave a partner because we want to find somebody else, but sometimes we actually want to find another self. Stephen find another self . Yes. There is something about affairs that allows people to reconnect with lost parts of themselves. Stephen oh, so, hon year, i wasnt pushing you away, i was just pulling me towards myself. I wasnt actually cheating on you, i was finding me. Thats great line. I was doing both. You cheat and you find you. The strange thing, the painful thing about affairs is that its a dual story. While one person is experiencing expansion and growth and aliveness, once it is known, the other person experience utter devastation and pain and that marks these two are coexisting side by side. Steep should you tell your partner you had an affair . You know, before you tell, ask yourself. Thats one of the most complicated questions, telling or not telling, and what is it you tell . Do you explain the meaning of what has just happened, or do you explain the sordid details . But before you tell, you ask yourself, who is this for . Is this to unload my bad conscience or is this really because im thinking about the wellbeing of my partner. Before you tell, ask yourself, does your partner actually want to know . And before you tell, ask yourself whether youd like to live with the consequences of knowing. Its a very complicated thing this telling business. Stephen so dont tell. No. Think. [laughter] stephen complicated. Yes. Stephen now, what constitutes an affair . I am in a loving, committed relationship with my wife lorraine. And lorraines a wonderful woman, i love her, and its very fresh, but for nine years ive had a hot and sloppy relationship with these people out here. [cheering and applause] is an fair always physical or can it be just emotional . An fair can be the whole myriad of things. It can be a fantasy. It can be inactive. It can be physical. It can be emotiona. It can be sexual and it can be just fant sides. What constitutes an fair is the actual betrayal of the trust, not the behavior. For some people, a onenight stand is no less painful than a 30year parallel life. What constitutes it is the breech of trust, not what youve actually been doing with these people for nine years. Stephen thats between me and them. All right. Esther perel, thank you so much for joining us. Mating in captivity, esther perel. Check her out. Well be right back. Introducing new Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider. Refreshingly sweet and intense. And bursting with a crisp apple bite. So try a Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow. Safety goggles . This breakfast burrito is exploding with flavor. I think youre getting a little carried away. Morning, guys. Dunkins southwest steak breakfast burrito, with steak and fireroasted vegetables, is packed with flavor. Hurry in today. Im a loving husband and a real good dad but weeds just make me rattlesnake mad well roundup has a sharpshootin wand im sendin them weeds to the great beyond roundup yeha [ whip cracks ] no need to pump, just point and shoot hit em in the leaves, and it kills to the root round fences, trees, even mulched beds cause the only good weed is a weed thats dead roundup yeha [ whip cracks ] [ male announcer ] roundup. [ whip cracks ] with a onetouch wand. With new jolly rancher filled gummy bites . Not today. Bites. Little greatness. Steves bbq. G to my barbecue . Ya ya is this right . Oh hey guys subway is bringing big barbecue flavor with the applewood pulled pork. Slowcooked to tender perfection. Subway. Eat fresh. At t introduces the rugged galaxy s5 active. Stands up to most everything. Within reason yup um hum sure thats not. Uh, no ok yes get it for zero down from at t [music]aye by new world sound sweat. It says i was here. I worked here. It says i only have so much to give. Before i have to take. What i lose. I wanna get back. Sweat says, i earned this. Gatorade. Created to help replace what you sweat out. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Steep thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Ptioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We prepared program for you this evening, very exciting. Tonights guest, Christopher Walken will be joining us in a new movie called jersey boys. The story of four young men who achieved success despite the terrible disadvantage of being from new jersey. [laughter] we do the best we can. But first, remember that country we invaded a little while back. No, no, that was too far back. No, no, that was. No, that was a shadow coup. That wasnt an invasion. That was a police action. That was a giant step for all mankind. Im talking about iraq. Thats the rock. Thank you. Iraq. Remember . We invaded it because 9 11 and weapons and then we had to pretend that we were really trying bring democracy and stability to the middle east. I dont remember what happened over there, but i guess history will be the judge