Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140719 : vimarsana.

The last gaza war in that it is happening now. laughter and for those of you that dont know, i taped this show earlier in the evening. So we dont have a lot of information on these stories. But we will have complete coverage of both of these stories on tomorrow nights show and im im being told we do not have a show on friday nights. laughter okay. Oh thank god. laughter those are really depressing. cheers and applause stephen those are really depressing stories. Lets turn to a lighter story. Child refugees. laughter nation, i come to you tonight with a heavy heart and a bloated liver. You see, ive been drinking a lot thinking about this wave of unaccompanied minors flooding into america, fleeing honduras, guatemala and i believe el diablo. laughter sadly, folks, these kids continue to stream in over the border despite our clearly marked you must be this tall to enter the country sign. This is a clear humanitarian crisis. I want to be clear about something here. I am a human. Im not a monster. I care for these kids so very publicly. laughter yes, i believe in securing our borders but some of my best friends are guatemalan. laughter theyre small cheerful people. And i am not the only one wearing my heart on my tv sleeve. I feel bad, as i said, if i was in south or Central America, mexico i would try to get here. Its not the immigrants fault. Broken hearted. Were all really feel bad for these kids. Ive been in Central America many times. I have a gaut palan daughter, now an american citizen. I speak spanish. I love the latin america people. Stephen i too have a deep love for the latin american people. I mean these kids arent just invading our country, theyre invading in here. And with our hearts full of love for the latin american people, its clear what we must do first thing you do is start deporting people, to the by the hundreds, not by the dozens, by the thousands. Stephen its praus applause plaus its a tough love. laughter or a very soft hate. laughter but remember the old saying, if you love something let it go. And if that doesnt work, send heavily armed troops to scare it away. Now sure, last week obama deported 38 women and children back to san pedro, honduras, the city with the highest murder rate in the world. Its a good start, dont get me wrong. But 38 people out of 5200 . I mean at that rate, folks, we will not get these we will not get these immigrants out of here until wait a second this calculator isnt in spanish. laughter it doesnt it doesnt have the cheers and applause its spanish ones have that upside down plus sign. And folks, even a troop surge cannot stop these kids because they are surging at our troops. So many of these kids who approach the border, theyre looking for Border Agents to turn themselves in, so they can start this now lengthy Legal Process of trying to stay in this country. These kids are turning themselves into the troops. Thats like having more Customer Service reps at the border. Stephen yeah, its like having Customer Service reps at the border. Though if theyre from comcast those kids might beg to be let go. cheers and applause stephen and i say i say instead of us sending troops down there, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on halloween. Lesss turn off the lights and pretend americas not home. laughter so the kids move on to the next house, canada. laughter cheers and applause i hope those kids like pennies and raisins. laughter but folks, the worst part of this crisis is where the Obama Administration has decided to send some of these illegal children. A very disturbing report about how the federal government is actually spending millions of your hard earned tax colors to house Illegal Immigrants at a texas hotel. Plans to put illegals up inside a multimillion dollar resort hot el and were paying for it. The beautiful palm aire resort and hotel mere mcallen texas offering indoor, outdoor pools, which few, sauna, steam, fitness centre. Its got three pools, a tennis court, jacuzzi, i would few, was that an appropriate proposal, do you think, to troy and house some of these kids . Absolutely not. Oh, i agree. Oh, lets all pay for pablos continental breakfast. laughter i bet every night on the pillow they leave a mint, a green card and immigration papers folded into a swan. laughter just listen, just listen, this is going to shock you. applause this is going to shock you. Just listen to these actual reviews of the palm aire resort from trip advisor. One star, terrible hotel. Mold and musty. Sunken coach, broken handle on shower. Stained sheets. The pool was green. This is the worst hotel i have ever stayed in. I discovered large cockroaches right as i entered the room. Thats right, theyre even giving the kids pets. laughter the bottom line bottom line, we love these kids. And the worst hotel in the world is still too good for them. Kuz these innocent looking children are anything but. Im telling you your safety is at risk and you are in danger. They could be members of gangs, for all we know. Weve got people coming from countries where theres a lot of crime. We know that were getting more than weve ever gotten from countries where there is islamic terrorism. Stephen i think that means theyre islamic terrorists. I mean think about it, it makes sense. Children take naps in these detention facilities. Theyre literally in sleeper cells. laughter and again, and again i want to point out, im not a monster. My heart goes out to these children. Theyre not all vicious killers. Some of them are merely filthy disease carriers. Right now were not sure of their health care status. We have already talked about tb and mrsa. We dont even know what all diseases they have. Sexually transmitted diseases, they will give it to everybody else. Georgia republican congressman phil gingrey is raising Health Concerns about the children as well. In a letter to the centers to Disease Control and prevention he cites concerns about swine flu, ebola virus an tuberculosis. Yes, actual doctor an republican congressman phil gingrey says these kids could be carrying ebola. And yes t that virus has never appeared outside of africa, but gingrey may have caught it from an illegal already because i believe one of the symptoms is baseless fear leaking out of your ass. laughter but thank god cheers and applause folks, thank god that patriots all over the country have taken to the streets to protest these rabidplagued children being spread by obama like festering stool samples across the petri dish of america. And again, and again, i love them. laughter one such patriot is Arizona Republican congressma congressman congressional candidate and human stubble farm adam kwasman who showed up with cameras to blow cade buses of illegal children out of pure videotaped concern for their wellbeing. Republican adam kwasman was an auricle this morning in protest the busing of pie grants to the shell ter. I was able to actually see some of the children in the buses, in the fear on their faces. This is not compassion. Just one problem, those werent Migrant Children on the kbrel owe school bus. They were ymca campers from the mirana school district. No, the bus was ymca kids. Apologize. Do not apologize plav laugh. Stephen do not apologize. applause stand strong. I for one never trust campers. Think about it, they are sent to remote locations where they are trained to use Deadly Weapons so they can capture our flags. Vigilance. Well be right back. cheers and applause introducing new Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider. Refreshingly sweet and intense. And bursting with a crisp apple bite. So try a Johnny Appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow. Its Olive Gardens first ever alfredo three course. It starts with our famous alfredo made from scratch. And features four new recipes. Like shrimp caprese and chicken with broccoli. The three course italian dinner served with unlimited salad and breadsticks plus dessert. Starting at 11. 99. At olive garden. [music]aye by new world sound sweat. It says i was here. I worked here. It says i only have so much to give. Before i have to take. What i lose. I wanna get back. Sweat says, i earned this. Gatorade. Created to help replace what you sweat out. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Its time for a joy ride. Ve challenge on facebook, take the tmobile test drive. Well give you a 4g lte phone for 7 days then see how much you can download, post, and stream on the Network Designed Data strong. Enjoy the power of the Tmobile Network free for 7 days. Sign up at tmoble. Com testdrive [robotic sounds] guess what . Im not a real human man. But i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now im really cool. I got it, dudes. Oww i think you crushed some of my ribs. Mmmm, you smell amazing. Thank you. Id get off of you, but i cant get up. Maybe i dont want you to. Okay. Hey, welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Folks, i dont know about you, but i for one am just sick and tired of all the leftie liberal environmentalistless trying to guilt me into doing things like recycling and Energy Efficient light bulbs and not throwing old car batteries into the tank at sea world. Yes, those greens had me seeing red until this new trend blew my mind. laughter ma ghenta. If you see a truck in front of you belching out clouds of thick black smoke, could be trouble. Or could be a new trend called rolling coal. Drivers paying thousands of dollars to shoot black smoke at other people on the road. A new trend called rolling coal. Rolling coal, thats what it is calling. Ow, rolling coal or as we used to call it a for too long those earth huggers have shoved their agenda down our throat. Finally there is a way to shove our agenda down their lungs. So how does rolling coal work . Or based on what i know about exhaust systems, not. The way this works is diesel vehicles are modified to increase fuel to the engine. The extra fuel that it burns off as thick black smoke. And if you add in a smoke stack or two the cost of rigging your rig to roll coal can be about 5,000. Stephen 5,000. Sounds like a lot but its way cheaper than strapping a webber to your tesla. laughter and rolling coal isnt just smoke belching public nuisance, its a smoke belching public message. Some say they roll coal because its fun but many of those who are doing it are making a political statement. Either thumbing their noses at the Obama Administrations effort to lower Carbon Emissions or just plain flipping off environmentalists or as they call them nature the ones who hate on hummers trucks and suvs but love their prius. In fact, the black suit spewed by cole rollers is often referred to as prius repellent. Yeah, the only ware to keep a prius away from you is driving over 45 miles per hour. Now a lot of coal rollers, folks, a lot of coal rollers orcoros as no one ever calls them are even uploading hilarious videos of them blasting smoke at people stupid enough to walk or ride a bike. And its great for meeting the babes. Do you smoke . Yes, i do. Stand by. That would make any woman swoon. With the possibility of brain damage. And they dont do to anyone else what theyre not willing to do to themselves. You see that, you see that . If you ares against coal rolling, you hate black people. And if you ask me, thats shameful. And if you ask me, would you implicitly did by watching this show, i think coal rolling is the best new way to stick it to mother earth since paint canin where you dump old paint into a river. Or porpoise corking where you hammer corks into the blow holes of dolphins. Well, well, folks, i want in. Tonight i am rolling this, this baby is puring with a pure 4 canon Diesel Engine blade runner manifold and a pair of desing nuts so jimmy, lets fire her up. Whooo applause stephen yeah yeah hows this feel . How does that feel, leftie . Huh . How does that feel . Huh . How does that feel . Well be right back. Yo, untamed larger than life, huh . How does that feel . Welmove fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. I got no beef with repetition im gonna see it through and through i got no beef with repetition i feel the same way as you do i feel the same way as you do i feel the same way as you do its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. In all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, the 2014 4runner. Stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. To raise the roof, and have some fun. Throw away the work to be done. Let the music play on, play on, play on. Everybody sing, everybody dance. Lose yourself in wild romance. Were going to party, karamu, fiesta forever. Bud light lime ritas fiesta forever. Use these innertubes in the so, youre sapool . We cant sorry, sir. Its hotel policy. Is it really hotel policy . Im afraid so, sir. Do it. How about now . Woohoo i deserve this. You deserve to be fired. Full flavors, full shapes. Cheetos mixups. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight cheers and applause please welcome steven wise. cheers and applause mr. Wise, thank you for being here. All right, sir, thanks for coming on the show. I got a couple warnings right up front, okay. You want youre a lawyer right. I am. An youre trying to get animals the same rights as humans have. In a court of law. Im trying to get a chimpanzee the right to get out of a cage on a rit of habeas corpus. Stephen okay so, humans, first of all dont worry, ill get him. Now whats your argument here. Animals are animals, humans are humans, never the twain shall meet, read your bible. Whats your argument. A chimpanzee is an extraordinary being. She is autonomous. She can be did. Stephen what does autonomous mean. Thats what judges ask. Stephen yeah. It means that she can think about the past. She can think about the future. She can think about how she wants to live her life. She can selfdetermine. And these are the same things that make us so porn that make us want to file writs of habeas corpus when we are thrown in human jail, when she is thrown in chimpanzee jail. Stephen you say because an animal is autonomous, that some animal can make decisions about what theyre doing with their life that they should have habeas corpus. Absolutely. Stephen thats an argument saying shia labeouf should not have habeas corpus. Nasss true. Stephen thats what you just said. You got a book here. A New York Times sunday magazine here, his day in court, okay. This is about one, at least one of your chimps there. Tommy. Stephen tommy, hes a chimp. We have a picture of tommy up here. Thats tommy. Stephen lets take it down because it is sad making. Lets take that down. Okay, why, why does tommy want out . Tommy wants out because hes a chimpanzee joo has he done. Stephen has he told you. He has not told me. Stephen how do you know he doesnt like where he is right now. Because jane goodall and other people told me that no chimpanzee wants to be kept like that. Stephen okay, but man has dominion over animals, right . I didnt know that. Stephen yes. Well well, we eat them. We better, are you a vegetarian. Not tommy. Youre to the going to eat tommy. Stephen not if you let him out. laughter stephen okay, but this really does, youve also got a book thats out in paperback now, rereleased called rattling the cage toward legal right force animals. Yes. Stephen youre on your web site here 2003 you said our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from all nonhuman animals. This case is just the beginning. This is the camels nose on the slap and the camel gets hab cross corpus too. Why should all animals have legal standing . They shouldnt. We arent say. Stephen all nonhuman animals, your words. I think youre twisting those words. laughter stephen i accurately quoted those words. What our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from all nonhuman animals. Thats right. Stephen again, you are taking mankind off of the top of the organizational chart if you allow animals to also have legal standing. Then my dog can sue to get on my couch. I didnt say your dog, i said your chimpanzee and your elephant and your. Stephen what do you have against my dog. No, i will give my card, you give the card to your dog. laughter applause stephen why is tommy in prison right now, what did he do . He was born a chimpanzee. And because hes a chimpanzee hes our slave. We can do whatever we want to him. And the folks that are keeping him are keeping him in the way you just saw. They are allowed to keep them in those kinds of conditions. We want to get them out. Stephen and what is your desire for tommy does to our legal system and the standing of mankind, and our primacy in our vision of 9 universe is just, just blechage on the way to your mad goal to release one chimp. A simple yes or no. laughter applause what is does is it shows that we can extend justice to wrefer there should be justice, whether we are dealing with a human or any other being. Stephen listen f tommy wants to have rights if tommy if tommy wants to have rights as a person he should form his own corporation. applause thank you so much cheers and applause Stephen Steven wise. The book is rattling the cage. The book is rattling the cage. Well be right back. At olive garden were bringing new things to the table. And to prove it were bringing some real unsuspecting foodies the book is rattling the cage. Well be right back. To the table too in napa valley. Smells incredible. It does. So delicious. This might be the best lasagna ive ever had. Mmmm. The thing i love about the salmon is the texture. Ok you can open your cards. That is amazing. Ahhh. Surprise. Thank you. Our new lasagna fresca and pappardelle pescatore. Theyre sure to surprise. Olive garden. Were all family here. Enjoy an unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch just 6. 99. [music]aye by new world sound sweat. It says i was here. I worked here. It says i only have so much to give. Before i have to take. What i lose. I wanna get back. Sweat says, i earned this. Gatorade. Created to help replace what you sweat out. Land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Isaac, what art thou drinking . Giveth me a redds apple ale an apple what . Gravity whats gravity . I dont know do you have a bottle opener . Its a twist off. Redds apple ale. Crisp like an apple. Brewed like an ale. Bacon. That already exists. I know. I just really want some. A mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew. 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. cheers and applause thats it for the report, everybody. Thats it for the report, from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. Thank you for joining us. My name is jon stewart. Tonights guest, actress emma stone is going to join us. A couple actors talking. All right. One actor talking. [laughter] but first, the real question is this what time is it . Did you really just shout party time . You didnt recognize im setting up a bit of a routine here . [laughter] just got out of college, just a reflex. What time is it . Party time a little bit quiet now. A little bit quiet now. You may be thinking to yourself, time have the tv on in the background while i have sex. Wrong [laughter] nothing else . Im not even going to tell you what time