Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140722 : vimarsana.

Report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stechb, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. Nation, theres a lot to talk about. But of course, of course folks i have to start tonight with a Shocking International incident that has drawn the attention of every nation. Lets go straight to tonights edition of world news wrapup. The story is still unfolding but preliminary results indicate that Prince George is walking. Its magical to see his royal cuteness take his historic firsted to el. And what a relief to know that members of the royal blood line still have the bone density to stand upright. Folks this is great. This is great. I dont have a copy of it here. No, this is great. And were all smiling. Because everyone is happy. And i believe that concludes world news wrapup. laughter cheers and applause and there are not any other Big International stories, right, jim. The surfacetoair missile brought down a Malaysian Airlines jetliner over the war zone in Eastern Ukraine. Some calling it an ago of terror already, and others an act of war. Stephen right, yeah, okay. But that was thursday. That was kind of hoping that an atrocity that could spiral into world war iii would have worked itself out over the weekend. Evidently not. Nation this is an unspeakable tragedy. And i hope tonight to cover it with the same tasteful restraint shown by fox newss animated smoking wreckage graphic. It took themselve control not to use the fox nfl sunday robotment i can only assume that means hes on assignment covering gaza. Now folks, its clear the plane was taken down by a russian sa11 missile and there are many theories about where these russianmade missiles came from. One theory is they came from russia. laughter heres what happened. Okay. You got these prorussian separatists in Eastern Ukraine lead by former russian Intelligence Officer and star of bridge on the river crazy igor german markin, he also goes by the nom dedush Igor Strelkov which understandable when your name is sgirkin everyone is always saying hey, awe jerkin girkin, but Igor Strelkov wa, you can did that. Igo strokeoff. Yes, i would do that. And strokeoff here applause applause and strokeoff is old secret police pals of Vladimir Putin who gave him a bunch of surfacetoair missiles despite the fact strokey commands a group of rebels who have been described as a motley band of fighters who are a drunkin Patchwork Group that is beyond the moral boundaries. In other words, Vladimir Putin essentially armed the jugalos. And if this story were not tragic enough, among the victims were six people headed to the international aids conference. Hiv researcher Norbert Brockmeyer said the normally cheerful mood at the aids conferences will now be absent. laughter thats right, these bastards have managed to make aids depressing. laughter jimmy, im sorry, this is too much. You can give me a shot. Of george. Oh, look at him. He has little skinny royal overalls. Look at that adorable little bottom. And the baby is cute too. laughter applause okay, back to the this is an obscene and violent situation involving warring groups in lawless foreign territories and one tyrant bears the blame. Barack obama. laughter senator, theres a lot to unpack there. Specifically regard to russia. This crisis over the downing of the Malaysia Airlines flight. What did secretary kerry not say . What is the administration not yet prepared to do that you think must be done . Well, and he didnt call putin the thug that he is. Stephen here here. This horrible tragedy could have been avoided if president obama just called putin a thug. So once again, ladies and gentlemen, it falls to me to prevent further international crises. Vladimir putin, you are a jerk, sir. cheers and applause you you im sorry, i got to say it. You you are a stupid poopy face. Jimmy, whss the reaction in the ukraine. And yes, the russians are pulling out of donetsk. Youre welcome, world. I had to. cheers and applause stephen i had to. Folks, that wasnt easy for me to do. I have long been one of Vladimir Putins biggest fans. In 2008 i supported him for president of the United States. I defended him against pussy riot plus all those famous shirtless hunting photos, guess who took those. laughter i guess ill be taking shirtless hunting selfies from now on. Folks, speaking of war, for the last six weeks we in the colbert nation have been at war with Online Shopping giant amazon. Oh were going to wipe the smirk right off that boxes face. It all started when amazon began playing hardball with my publisher hachette for refusing to stock their books including my three bestsellers. I just hope its all resolved by july 28th. Because any one of my books is the perfect way to say, i was thinking about you on world hepatitis day. laughter and amazons unilateral embargo is especially harmful to first time novelists. Also harmful to them, deciding to be a novellist. So to fight back i told you to preorder the hachette book california by edan lap uki even though that might encourage our goal support california on the New York Times bestseller list and thanks to you this sunday california debuts at number three. We did it, jimmy, pop the plastic packing thingies. Dheers plaus cheers and applause stephen thank you. Thank you, stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you. By the way, by the way, all of this, all of this came in an amazon box to protect the watch battery that i ordered. Needless to say, needless to say edan la pukei has become a publishing sensation sign ,000 copies of california in three days, i assume her followup is about a young woman battling to overcome a crippling case of carpal tonel syndrome and her agent is also negotiating the film rights. I hope it comes out soon so i dont have to read the book. laughter obviously no one was more pumped than lapuki herself who said getting the colbert bump has left her with a mixture of elation and nausea. Yeah i got to say, a lot of ladies say that. By the way, amazon is a sponsor of tonights show. So i accept your apology, gentlemen. Here now is the woman who made it all possible for me to make it all possible for her, please welcome california author edan lapuki. Thank you so much. cheers and applause all right. All right. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations on the success of california. Thank you. Stephen now for the rest of your life people legally have to refer to you as New York Times best selling author. Oh, of course. Stephen that cant be taken away. Thats like senator or ambassador. All right, so walk me through the colbert bump. I mean it was bonkers. It was a beautiful moment. Scherr mann alexi called me. Stephen that was the guy who gave me your book as a recommendation. He called me and said im going to talk about your book on the colbert report. And i pretty much fainted out in the backyard. And you know, scherrman alexi is a big time author. And ive been reading him for many years. Stephen youre a big time author too, now. Now i am. cheers and applause stephen now the book sales youre number three right now on the bestseller list. Its the third goodes book in america right now. Its about a post apocalyptic dystopia in california. So essentially california. laughter has it got a happy ending. Dont tell me the ending, but is it a happy ending. You have to read to find out. laughter it leaves it open its pretty happy. Stephen okay, yeah. Okay, is there another hachette author that you would like to bump here tonight to tell the good people out there, maybe they can take a look at. Yeah, im reading stephane eric clarks book sweetness number 9 which is so good. Stephen is it a new author. A deput novel. Stephen called sweetness number 9 by stephane. Eric clark. Stephen stephane eric clark. Stefan i will ask you to cut two of those three names it. Just stefan clark, sweetness number 9. If are you look for another book to bump, that would be the one. Edan where do you go from here. Are your hands okay from signing so many books. You know, they are. They called me the robot because i could sign 10,000 copies in two days. I was the fastest signer ever. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen wow. You are a good writer. Well, ed an lapuki would you like to thank the colbert nation. Thank you colbert nation for buying pie book and reading it and im so, so incredibly grateful to be on the show and have my book talked about. I just really appreciate it. So thank you. Stephen you did it, the colbert nation. Did you it. cheers and applause stephen edan lapuki, california, thank you so much. Good luck. Well be right back. Say hello to stackerz. The treat thats got two tasty flavors. Stackerz aint just a treat. Its got real meat. New stackerz. Sooooooooo meaty. Welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight making her the highest ranking female politician in america history, sorry queen latifah, please welcome congresswoman nancy pelosi cheers and applause congresswoman, thank you so much for joining us thanks for being back. Its always good to have a formidable adversary to be talking to acrossed table. All right . We meet again, my old nemesis,. Hello my friend. Stephen hello. Were not so different, you and i. We both have our agendas. Lets talk about the last one you tried to push on my show. The last time you were here we came to a meeting of the minds, you had something called the disclose ago where you would try to get politicians to disclose all the donations to their to their associative path or 501 c 4s. In return i said i would help you if you would get more people more members of congress to be part of my better know a district series. I upheld my end of the bargain, you upheld your end of the bargain. We proved people could do things across the aisle. There we go. Across the aisle. cheers and applause stephen what are you pushing tonight . What nefarious laughter stephen northern california, San Francisco value are you pushing . On the nation tonight . Tonight im pushing our agenda of the heart of it is when women succeed america succeeds. cheers and applause sses no offense, madame, listen, no offense but that is implying that women are the middle class. What about the men in the middle class. Havent you just emasculatted them. No, were getting to that. But what were saying is the best thing we can do to grow our middle schras unleash the power of women. People pay for equal work. Raise the minimum wage a fordable child care. Going on, invest in education to keep america number one, and third keep jobs here in the u. S. For good tax policy. And build roads, bridges into structure broadband in our country so that all americans can participate in our prosperity and in an economy that works for everyone, not just the privileged few. Okay, all right. applause we will get to the fact that youre engaging in class warfare in just a moment, okay. You just did it, you just fired a how will you get it done though, because nothing gets done in washington. Thats right. Nothing gets done in washington. How can you possibly get this done. What are you going to use. Do you have naked photos of john boehner doing something . How you could possibly get because republicans you got the mental image. No, i and if you do, if you do is the tan uniform. cheers and applause nope, all right. How you could possibly get it done . Win the election. All we need is 17 votes to take back the house for the american people. Or. Stephen for the democrats. The democrats. Stephen theres a difference. Well, for them, for issues that help them meet their needs. Stephen but that would make you speaker of the house again, probably. Well, somebody, some democrat. Stephen some, some democrat wearing a blue linen suit, who cares who it is. Why would you ever want that job again . John boehner is on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He looks like hes going burst into tears, isnt that a hard job . Thats an incredibly hard job to hold, isnt it . Well, when we did, we were able to pass the Affordable Care act. We were able to have wall street reform. We were able to save millions of acres of green acres in america. Good things about jobs, about health care, about education, about working for the american people. I didnt love being speaker, but i liked getting the job done for the american people. cheers and applause stephen you can stick around for a moment more because weve got to particular a little break but i want to talk to you about a couple of other things. All right. Stephen well be right back with nancy pelosi. Please stick around. cheers and applause were trying our best to be role models. Dels. We dont jump at the sound of the opening bell, because were trying to make the school bell. Corner booth beats Corner Office any day. We make the most of our time. And our money. The 2014 malibu. Highest ranked midsize car in initial quality the car for the richest guys on earth. It takes place in anhaha, cleveland. I love it babe. Im not your babe. You werent saying that this morning, when youre like. Mmmmm mmmm mmm alright were done. Break up with lingering food. ding mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling. Eat, drink, chew orbit he likes to put a. 1. On burgers but not veggie kebabs. He also likes thats what she said jokes. Martin thats what she said vo you dont have to like everything martin likes. Put a. 1. On whatever you want. A. 1. For almost everything. Almost. Its the real town bud light is building right now for people that are up for absolutely anything. People often ask, is whatever, usa a one trick pony . No. Its a two trick pony. Three if you count the towns boat load of bud light. Four if you count. Queen of clubs. Is that your card . Of course it was. Bud light is creating a town this summer and you can go. Find out more at upforwhatever. Com. Welcome back, everybody. Were here with representative nancy pelosi. Now before the break, by the way, is speaker pelosi, leader pelosi, what should i call you. Nancy. Okay. I want to be respectful wile i attack you for attacking the middle class, okay. No, no, i am promoting the middle class. Okay, i forgot what is the name of the thing are you talking about. Middle class jumpstart. When will you start jumping on the middle class sm. Were jumping for the middle class. Are you going to raise taxes. Guys like me make millions of dollars a year, are you going to raise taxes on me. Lets talk about this. What we have is to stop giving tax breaks to corporations that are shipping jobs overseas, instead give tax breaks to keep good paying jobs here. Stephen you know im a corporation. cheers and applause stephen thats attacking me. Im a corporation and this entire show is written in malaysia and were going to build road, bridges, broadband, Water Systems by closing tax loopholes for special interests in the tax code. Stephen lets talk about a couple of other issues real quickly. Immigration, why do you think obama is encouraging all these children to come to the United States . laughter what is his plan . What is his drift here . You guys are going to register these 8yearolds from guatemala to vote, right . I know youre a very devout catholic. And i wish you would read the catholic conference bishops report. They talk about the baby jesus being a ref guey from violence as an example. And they tell it. Stephen he didnt ask to be a citizen in egypt. He didnt ask to be able to vote for the far owe. He went back to the holy land eventually. They didnt vote for the far owe in those days. Stephen okay. But the fact is. Stephen i didnt know that. That was not a democratic system. No this is a humanitarian crisis. And it needs a humanitarian response, and it also needs a response that says if you have a legitimate claim for Refugee Status or asylum, thats one thing. If not youre going back home. But lets do that expeditiously and lets do it with respect for the dignity of each of these people. So. Stephen you lost middle class jumpstart,. Middle class jumpstart. Stephen last week when will it be lost launched. Let mow say this while we were announcing on steps of the capitol waving the American Flag about the middle class and all that, the republicans were inside with a hearing to sue the president of the United States for enforcing the law. Stephen why shouldnt you do that . They wanted the president to roll out the Affordable Care act, you know, swiftly, as they always have wanted. laughter no what they wanted was 50 times they voted to repeal the Affordable Care act. But theyre talking process. Were talking progress, were talking jobs, theyre talking lawsuits. Stephen if the president is being a tyrant what choice do they have but to take him to court. Obama can always countersue. Everyone in washington can get mobdz up with lawyers and well let judge judy decide the entire thing. laughter well, thank you so much for joining me. House democratic leader nancy pelosi. cheers and applause stephen well be right back. No, no, no, no, no ooh and i pick you ill name you. Cornelius pumperdinkle only one in one hundred are lucky enough to become americas favorite nut well if you can pack five cseasons of your favorite showor into just one weekend. Pack this much heat into one wing. This much drama into one friend. And pack this much girlie into one man. Then, yes, 7up ten can pack full 7 up flavor into only ten calories. Thats the power of ten. Also packed in these brands. Its the ultimate joy ride. Test drive tmobiles network free for 7 days on the oneandonly iphone 5s. Use the ultimate phone to see how much you can download, post, and stream on the Network Designed Data strong. Get the thrill of iphone 5s with the power of the Tmobile Network free for 7 days. Sign up for your free tmobile test drive at tmobile. Com testdrive good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org it is 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on badass digest this weekend. It seems the wars got a little more starsy when what are believed to be spoilers amount episode seven were revealed to a fervent fan base of internet neverdowells. Luke severed handholding a lightsaber and tries to get it back to its rightful owner. The lightsaber not the hand, that would be gross. And if you want to know what is oi