Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140723 : vimarsana.

Much thank you ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause stephen folks, tonight, we are all painfully aware of the ongoing tragedy along our southern border. Despite our best intentions, it remains impossible to pair an outfit with turquoise jewelry laughter dont believe the man at the kiosk, you will look like an extra from dances with wolves laughter another big issue from down there, thousands of Central American children poring over the border and the president is doing nothing to stop it. All the jumping and running on trains, im sure its part of the first ladys lets move campaign. For months now weve been sold a bill of goods and these kids are fleeing places back home like san pedro sula, honduras, known as the murder capital around the world. Theyre probably padding the numbers by lumping in the murder in the suburbs. The president sent a Fact Finding Mission to honduras and guatemala. Most immigrants from Central America according to the congressman are driven by economic reasons not fear of physical danger in their homeland that is a welcome relief. These kids arent worried about violence, only starvation. laughter folks, you know you can trust pearces findings because he cultivated an i want mat understanding of the region during a visit to guatemala and honduras over the course of the weekend. laughter its really all you need. I learned all about the desert by spending a weekend at burning man. Lav laugh turns out the desert is full of drugs and impractical bicycles. And congressman pearce found no evidence of danger anywhere he looked, which it turns out was mainly around the hotel lobby, as perses said, he and the rest of the house delegation did not venture from their hotel very often because of the dangers. applause the point is cheers and applause bottom line, these immigrant children are not refugees, theyre just parasites looking for jobs, and if i were them i would try to get one at that hotel because apparently it is the only safe place in torn laughter now, nation, if youre anything like me, you get all your news from me. I recently learned a bombshell from myself. I was catching up on old episodes of the daily show when i came across something that really caught me with my pants down and, yes, thats how i watch the daily show. laughter its that good. And this segment blew my pants back on. John, this is going to come as something of a shock to you. Youre ending your show. Im ending my show. I have to, jon, dont beg me to stay. All right. You see, there is no mountain left for me to climb. Its become clear to me that ive won television. Yes. applause the the colbert report, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you, nation. Yes, the the colbert report is coming to an end. audience reacts stephen , no, no, dont be sad. Ill be great. You just wont get to see it anymore. I won Television Just in time for it to turn into netflix. Ive done all i set out to accomplish, spoke truth to power, won the iraq war and met the most influential scandinavian hiphopswing fusion group of 2009. And i have but one regret barack obama will outlast me in office, with two years of no colbert to rein this man in by the time he leaves in 2016, everyone in america will be potsmoking gay immigrants in a polygamous relationship with a biracial box turtle laughter thankfully, there is one last hope for stopping him. Calls for president obamas impeachment is increasing. Prominent outside conservative voices have called for president obama to be impeached. Impeachment is a message that has to be sent with our president that were not going to put up with this lawlessness. Stephen you can trust sarah palin on impeachment because she is an expert of leaving office in the middle of a term cheers and applause i say it is time to do this thing impeaching is what republicans do best lets make barack obama just as unpopular as bill clinton and i have no doubt that all of my fellow conservatives stand with sarah whats your response to governor pailen . I disagree. What about the folks in your Conference Room calling for impeachment . I disagree. Think sarah palin is wrong. Look, this isnt the time for us to go into that exercise. We are not working on or drawing up articles of impeachment. I think its a distraction thats not shared by most republicans. But i want to impeach him now ive already sent out of mifulliers for my impizza party applause but, folks, no matter what happens, i have got to keep talking about it. We all have got to keep talking about it because impeachment is a moneymaker. Look at former congressman and actor playing greyhaired man in Community Theater allen west. In a recent email to supporters, west wrote, today sarah palin joined tens of thousands of conservatives when she called for impeachment of barack obama. In light of this growing movement, ive decided to open the guardian funds impeachment survey for a limited time. Will you make an emergency contribution of 5 or more right away so we can get this survey into the hands of as many conservatives as possible . That is a man you can trust. Hes got a vague plan where you do all the work and pay him 5. Sign me up cheers and applause for the record, anyone out there keeping score, its not just the g. O. P. Democrats are also using impeachment talk to gin up donations like the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee who sent two emails with subjects like breaking impeachment and netted nearly 10,000 dosages in nearly 24 hours. Wow, to make that kind of money that fast you usually have to go into kickstarter and say you want to make potato salad laughter so whether you agree or not with impeachment, might be a good investment. We turn to my good friend, africanamerican and blacktrepreneur, p. K. Winsome everybody, come on p. K. , come on, give it to me, brother, yeah. All right. P. K. Winsome, thanks for being here, my friend. Absolutely, stephen. Stephen p. K. , its always pleasure to have you in the house. House. Thats correct. Stephen you are not only a successful businessman, i understand you traffic in stolen kidneys, snake venom, african ivory sex toys guilty as charged unless im being charged with any of those things. Stephen p. K. , lets get to the heat of the meat. Do you believe we should impeach president obama . Thats a serious subject. Impeachment, a very serious subjects. For 5, ill send this survey to your home so you can figure out how serious a problem impeachment is. All proceeds go to Action Network which sends out uh a second survey asking for a 10 donation. I cant wait. Stephen people are excited. Yeah. They love a good deal. Stephen yeah. I cant wait for the results, stephen. Stephen important work, p. K. Heres my 5,nym. Great. Stephen p. K. , i want to impeach the president. What can i do with your help to make that happen . Mmhmm, yeah. Well, stephen, i have a stepbystep plan to impeach president obama. Its all in my new book look out, obama, youre being impeached stephen a strong message. But lets pretend i dont want to impeach the president. Anything i can do to stop it . Yes buy my book, look out, obama, youre being impeached stephen sorry for asking but is that the same book . Good eye, stephen. Its choose your own adventure. On each page, you decide whether or not to impeach president obama. Spoiler alert, no matter which way you choose, he is eaten by a dragon. Stephen thanks for all the work. Keep us updated on all the future opportunities. Actually, i do have one more opportunity. If you are a fan of or participant in history, you will not want to miss this exclusive opportunity to own an honorary doctorate of fine arts from knox college. cheers and applause this was once bestowed on tvs stephen colbert. Stephen p. K. , thats my doctorate. Thats from my desk. laughter absolutely. And with the show ending, its a collectors item for just 5,000. Act now and ill also throw in this 2013 emmy for the cheers and applause its for the sho the colbert you know, stephen, this will look great on your self. Stephen i can get both for 5,000 . For a limited time. Stephen its a deal, my friend. laughter the cadillac summer collection is here. During the cadillac summers best event, lease this all new 2014 cts for around 459 a month or purchase with 0 apr and make this the summer of style. The cheese is baked right into the bun. Its whats on the outside that counts. Huh. Prove that. Oh, oh, uh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. sizzle announcer count on the cheesy goodness of the new cheesy bread dogs. clicks phone beeps cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody folks, anybody whos watched this show for any length of time knows that i am an enormous fan of celebrity Power Couples like brangelina, kimye and filliam h. Muffman. Unfortunately, the world recently cost superstar athlete couple rory mcilroy and caroline wozniacki, or as theyre known by their power couple name mccorollary winsocky. Hes a professional golfer, shes a professional tennis player. As sad as the breakup is, fortunately, each has moved to the sixth stage of grief, winning an International Sports tournament. On sunday, wozniacki won the, te istanbul cup and mcilroy won the british open. In fact, mcilroy was so excited he was seen making out with his new trophy girlfriend, a trove y. Breakups are the only performance enhancing drug. Makes sense. All the biggest accomplishments in Human History have been fueled by a bitter breakup. Who can forget how after watching the first atomic bomb go off, Robert Oppenheimer famously said, i am become death, destroyer of world because you destroyed my world, kimberly. laughter true story. And, of course, there were Neil Armstrong i conk words fro icone moon landing. One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind. And one huge bleep you to sheryl. Im on the moon. I havent seen your friend andrew up here. Stephen if you decide to take rory back, do it in time for him to break up with you before the u. S. Open. Well be right back. Well my friends, the time has come. To raise the roof, and have some fun. Throw away the work to be done. Let the music play on, play on, play on. Everybody sing, everybody dance. Lose yourself in wild romance. Were going to party, karamu, fiesta forever. Bud light lime ritas fiesta forever. Hey pal . You ready . Can you pick me up at 6 30 . Ah. boy im here im here cop too late. I was gone for five minutes ugh move it. Youre killing me. You know what, dad . Im good. dad it may be quite a while before hes ready, but our Subaru Legacy will be waiting for him. vo the longestlasting midsize sedan in its class. Introducing the allnew Subaru Legacy. Its not just a sedan. Stephen welcome back. My guest tonight is here to talk about russia and ukraine. Please welcome julia ioffe cheers and applause julia ioffe, thank you so much for being here. You are a Senior Editor at the new republic and youve worked for the new yorker. Youre a native russian even though youre an american citizen, came here when you were seven. Mmhmm. Stephen we are talking a lot these days about the ukraine and russia and that relationship. I know this is a huge story and i care about it. Why is it huge and why do i care in ways i never care about other international stories. I can ignore the rest of the world. Why has this got us all gripped . People didnt care about this conflict very much at all. It had come off the front pages for the last couple of months, nobody was paying attention to it until a plane with citizens of like a dozen countries was downed by a missile by these knuckleheads fighting in the region. Stephen is that a technical term . An i. R. Term. Stephen you have spent time with these russian separatists in the ukraine. They call themselves the volunteers. They call themselves the peoples republic of donetsk, but the soldiers are volunteers because a lot of them just picked up arms and went to fight because they watch a lot of russian tv. Stephen okay. And russian tv has, like, the shows like who wants to be a rebel . Whats on russian tv that makes people want to fight against their own countrymen . For the last few months, since february, russian tv has been telling them a fascist has taken power in kiev, coming to rape women, eat their children and burn their land, so a lot of people are picking up arms and going to fight. Stephen is that what the evening news is like in russia . Is there a free press in russia . No, there isnt. Most russians get their news from the tv and it is mostly outright owned by the kremlin or companies who are loyal to the kremlin. O so the heads of the major tv channels come to the kremlin once a week and meet with a guy in charge of tv at the kremlin and they set the agenda for the coming week. Stephen okay. You met with igor bezler, nicknamed the demon. Is he a good guy . Very sweet laughter hes actually a bit of a loose Canon Stephen is he one of the volunteers . Hes one of the leaders of the volunteers. Hes not even a ukrainian citizen, so its weird hes fighting for this ukrainian movement, for ukraine to secede and join russia. He was born in soviet crimea. Stephen hes one of the leaders of this group whos trying to break away. Mmhmm. Stephen in donetsk . Am i pronouncing that right . Mmhmm. Stephen is that russian for little doughnut . No, i think because of the river its called that. Stephen okay. laughter if im not mistaken, this bezler is one of the guys who the ukrainians say they have a recording saying we just shot down a plane. Uhhuh. Stephen is he upset or happy they shot down a plane. Hes a little flustered. He swears a lot and said, man, seriously, this is 100 a civilian plane. Whats interesting is his handler in russia is saying, oh, they must have just been dropping off their spies. Stephen okay. There are a lot of conspiracy theories in russia as to what actually happened with this plane. What are some of the crazier ones . My favorite is Malaysia Airlines flight 17 is actually Malaysia Airlines 370 which as we notice appeared over the indian ocean four months ago and what actually happened is it didnt fall into the indian ocean. The americans took it, killed everyone on board, drained them of their blood and took the plane and all the corpses to an American Military base, shuttled it to holland, rigged it with explosives its very simple laughter and because takeoff is complicated, they had live pilots doing the takeoff, then they parachute out. First they put it on auto pilot, parachute out and the plane explodes when necessary over eastern ukraine. Stephen thats a plot from sherlock, thats actually one of the sherlock the series. Thats right. Stephen is putin going to be harmed by this . Because were imposing more sanctions, supposedly. Were drawing a line in the sand or at least a line in the cash. Is he going to care . Hes going to care a little bit, but he sees himself as an historical figure that is meant to kind of resurrect russia, bring back its greatness, so hes willing to tolerate economic pain to achieve the goals. Stephen is this neosoviet . Are they trying to reconstitute the russian empire and if so should we throw back in with the austrian hungarians and give india back to the british . Hes not very good at thinking long term so he takes a little bit from this and that play book, so, actually, when the russians took crimea and the west was all up in arms about it well, not up in arms, they didnt do anything they were very upset about it stephen metaphorically up in arms. Thats right. One of the deputy prime ministers of the Russian Federation said, well, were going to get a toehold on the moon and start colonizing the moon because the russians are willing to suffer for a great idea. Stephen do you think theyre actually going to colonize the moon . Do you think thats actually going to happen . No, i think they would mess it up along the way. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen it would make it so much less romantic to stand underneath the russian moon. laughter because it wouldnt be made of green cheese, it would be made of borscht. laughter thanks for joining me julia ioffe, the new republic its the ultimate joy ride. Test drive tmobiles network free for 7 days on the oneandonly iphone 5s. Use the ultimate phone to see how much you can download, post, and stream on the Network Designed Data strong. Get the thrill of iphone 5s with the power of the Tmobile Network free for 7 days. Sign up for your free tmobile test drive at tmobile. Com testdrive to pitch in for an industrialsized smoker. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. Where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. Thats the satisfaction of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Stephen well, thats it for the show, everybody. But before we go, i just want to take one last opportunity to thank my good friend p. K. Winsome. Thank you for being here tonight and thank you for being here for the past nine years. My pleasure. Stephen might be the last time youre ever on the show because its ending this year. You mind if i ask, p. K. , before we go, what does park stand for . Percy kittens. Stephen thank you, percy. Thank you for your service. cheers and applause good n captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on. Kotaku. Com today if you know me, you know im obsessed with tv shows from across the pond, but lately my foreign tv jam has been everybody kimchi, a south korean soap opera set in the sexy and Dynamic World of spicy cabbage production. Heres a clip from a recent episode thats way more traumatic than the red wedding. Watch this