Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140724 : vimarsana.

You know i need it, but im not surprised to get that kind of response from an audience in new york. I cant ever imagine leaving this city. cheers and applause nation, as you know as i hope you know america continues to face a border crisis with thousands of undocumented Central American children pouring over our southern border. And president obama still rejects my plan to build a kid opol. Kids will love it, it has got to be safer than those chain things. Folks, it is only going to get worse, with over 52,000 children in custody and 09,000 expected by the end of the year that is a flood. Its like el nino is raining actual ninos. laughter and now that they are here, i believe thats why it is called that. I believe thats where the name comes from. And folks, now that the kids are here, we dont even know what parts of america theyre destroying first. Theyre shipping illegals all over the country but not 2346ing the states what is going on. The white house refusing to say where they will be housed across the country, apparently illegal privacy, their rights trump americas right to know. Stephen yes y wont the white house publish the addresses of these unaccompanied minors. Come on. I mean the kid cobs any where. They could be in your town. They could be in your house, they could be in my house. Come to think of it ive got kids at my house. And im not sure where kids come from. All i know is they showed up one day slathered in some kind of salsa. And did not speak a word of english. Now i got to foot the bill for their school and their health care. Not fair. Folks, nowhere is this problem more pronounced than in maine. The plastic because out of the 52,000 in federal custody, uncle sam is unfairly saddling maine with a whopping 8 of them. 8 you know what that means, that means when maine goes out to dinner they will automatically now be charged with a 15 gratuity for parties of 8 or more. Thankfully maine governor and man trying to look grateful for a crappy sgift paul lepage caught wind of this and declared we can to the become a state that encourages illegal immigration. We simply cannot afford it. Thats right. Main committee not afford 8 kids. They need that money to solve the backlog of crimes committed ever since Jessica Fletcher was disa per disappeared. Skid, was it cheers and applause no, it was cancelled folks, i never realized maine was in such dire financial straits. Theyre just one octomama away from bankruptcy. Im no fan of california. First of all theyve got a grizzly bear on their flag. Why dont you just cut to the chase, california and make it charlie manson. And two things, california is the state that gave america its two greatest president S Ronald Reagan and second term ronald reagan. But these days cheers and applause these days, folks, california is an ungovernable mess. California is an entire state filled with cities either clearly failing or on the verge of disaster. California is going broke. Businesses are fleeing the state in droves. Californias prison system is just an absolute nightmare. The Education System in california is ranked 46th in america and were number one in poverty. California a blaze, three more fires break out in northern california. You see that, even governor jerry brown is now burning the state done forth insurance money. But folks there is a great new plan. Youre going to love this. A great new plan to make california whole again by breaking it apart. A petition to break california into six separate states has attracted over a million signatures. The measure to break it into 6 state could be headed to 20915 ballot. Stephen its about damn time they break upical call because i was tired of waiting for the San Andreas Fault to get around to it. The it calls itself six californias and they know what really makes california ungovernable. Just think there are 38 million californians, but only one governor. How can that governor look out for all 38 million of us. He is trying. But the state is too big and complicated to govern. Yeah, its just big and complicated. I mean so big, you know, you you want another drink . Oh my goodness, breaking up california makes my nose tickle. Lets get out of here. Six californias is the brainchild of Silicon Valley billionaire and evil stepfather in a lifetime movie tim draper. Who came up with the perfect metaphor. Six californias, gives us the opportunity to reboot and refresh our state government. Yes, its an opportunity to reboot. But just like restarting windowses it might take a few years. I just check out the great new states name. Theres north california, south california, Central California, and west California Home of los angeles, with its vast colonic cleanse and celebrity baby stalking industry. Then there are two new states that actually have names. Jefferson, famous for producing 60 of the nations marijuana and eating 60 of the nations left over burritoes. I believe jefferson state flag would be a magic eye poster. cheers and applause its a bear. Last but actually first theres the San Francisco area state, naturally named Silicon Valley. I say you cant go wrong naming stuff after technology, its timeless. Just ask the residence of cb radio and beta max. laughter Silicon Valley cheers and applause Silicon Valley, the Silicon Valley would be the nations richest state per capita and they wouldnt have to share their wealth with california other poorer per capita, so i believe their state bird will be this. cheers and applause stephen meanwhile the neighboring states of Central California would become the poorest state in the nation so, maybe instead of Central California, a better name would be very west virginia. Of course, if they break up into six states they would have to figure some stuff out. First they would have to win the election then get congress to approve it. And after that the only question remains is who has to keep mel gibson. Its a rom solid plan that needs no further explanation. Here to explain it further is the architect of six californias, please welcome tim draper. Mr. Draper, thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause i think youve explained it just perfectly. You say california cannot be governed because its just too geographically large, right . Yeah. Stephen is that why states like rhode island are such paradises . No, but they do have a choice in rhode island. They can drive 20 minutes to another state. Okay you point out that california has a lot of problems. Abyss all k12 education, massive prison population, 20 living below the poverty line. Do all these problem goes away when they are divvied up among six separate states. Well, heres the situation that i look at. And im always looking to the future. Because my business is all about the future, Draper University of heroes is all about creating. Stephen sorry wa,. I started a cool called Draper University of heroes. Stephen uhhuh. Is that anything like the little lebowski achievers. Yeah, but they are a little older. Anyway all of these things that i have done in my career have always been projecting out and looking at the future. I use ot past and determine what the future looks like. And based on the past californias future looks really bad. Past performance tends to indicate future results. So 40 years ago california was great. It was the best first its still great, its a beautiful place a lot of great weather. Stephen for now, until its busted up by some guy pretty soon. So 40 years ago we were the best. We had the best Education System in the country. We had the best economy in the country, best economic environment in the country. What happened. 40 years later. Stephen what happened. Was it jerry brown coming back. No, actually there have been good people all the way through there have been good people managing that state, for many, many years. But too many people in the state. But very difficult to manage all the different interests. Stephen thats what i like about your idea, because im tired of a whole idea of a melting pot, america. I believe the metaphor, a metaphor are you going for is one of those tupperware things where you get to seal off every container. And everyones interests stay fresh. Okay, Central California. It will be a great melting pot. Do you think this will happen to other states because this is a big story, because it will be like a proposition on the ballot in 2016. Right. Do you think that these eventual other states do you think the other states will keep californias insane proposition system where anyone can get something on the ballot . Do you think one of them will get rid of that insane idea. If nothing else this will stop that. Is there going to be a senator for one of these new states or governor. No, no im leaving it up to california. You are just going to set charge and blow it apart and say not my [bleep] problem. Thanks very much. Timothy draper, sit down. Six californias, well be right back. cheers and applause we started zya with the thought that the kid on the back of the bus might have a song that he has in his head but he just cant get out. With the technology of cloud, we change all that. I can sing something into my device, up to the cloud it goes, back down it comes, sounding better. We break down the walls of creation and we give music creation for the masses. Unlock the creativity in anyone. With the ibm cloud. The ibm cloud is the cloud for business. He cadillac summer collection is here. During the cadillac summers best event, lease this 2014 ats for around 299 a month and make this the summer of style. Applebees take two menu lets yon one plate. Ntrees. Like the new grilled vidalia onion sirloin or the new light and zesty rimp scampi linguine. You can have both great choice buddy applebees take two menu, starting at 10. 99 see you tomorrow stephen welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Folks, you know, its no surprise but i do not trust the mainstream newspapers when i want reliable newspaper i always turn to my local papers like the Staten Island vance, the number one force for finding out whoos gumba was seen eating gabagu. Last week the advance published a heartwarming letter from a vietnam veteran who over the past two years has been awaiting to receive a new wheelchair from the va. Two years seems look a long time but theyre still filing paperwork from the whiskey rebellion. Lets read all about this story by watching the tv. Michael sulsona went to a lowe store to get fencing for his yard but as he was browsing the bolts on the wheelchair snapped, the store was about to close but the guy in the fence Department Took him to see the guy in the bolt department. Next thing you know he was sitting in a lowe patio chair while three guys fixed his wheelchair. They just said, you know, the wheelchair was like new. What really touched me was when i thanked them all and they just looked at me and they just said it was their honor. Those gentleman may have figured that wheelchair but hearing about it, loosed a few bolts in here. Dedicated lows employees have proven the private sector does everything better than the government ever can. In fact, i dont see why damn straight. I dont sow why all our Veterans Health issues cannot be handled by lows. Why wait months to have that hip replaced at the va when lows will fix you up in minutes with duct tape, chicken wire and a socket wrench set. And sure, some older vets out there need major procedures like heart transplants but really what is a heart other than a fountain pump, zip guide to aspring eller and a garden hose. I bet the good folks at lows can only handle mental health. The wrs case of ptsd in the world is no match for this adorable frog statue using a daisy for an umbrella. I dont care what you saw going doortodoor in fallujah. Look at that guys tummy. If that doesnt make you happy, you dont want to get better. laughter so lows, thank you for your service to those we are insufficiently thanking for their service. But i do have one criticism, lows. Your bathrooms. Theres just no damn privacy. And i have yet to find one toilet that flushes. Well be right back. [ male announcer ] when youre ready to turn up your night. Turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. Brewed with topshelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. Turn up your night, and make it platinum. For a bold, slightly sweet finish. No, no, noooh , no and i pick you ill name you. Cornelius pumperdinkle only one in one hundred are lucky enough to become americas favorite nut stephen welcome welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight mary mazzio an oscar vazquez. Oscar, mary nice to meet you. Sit down, thanks for coming here. Explain to the folks who you are. Mary you are an awardwinning documentary filmmaker, a lawyer, former olympic athlete, not too shabby. Thank you. Oscar you are an engineer and your High School Robotics team in arizona is the subject of underwater dreams, a documentary the two of you made together. What is underwater dreams mean what is the documentary about. The so the dream is about the American Dream and if you work hard in this country you request make something of yourself. Stephen and the underwatt verl about this extraordinary story about oscar and three other boys in the middle of the desert, high school boys, built an underwater robot under of sticks and chewing gum and bits and pieces from home depot, hauled across the country in a beat up van. In the middle of the desert. High school boy, all hispanic, all by the way, incidentally undocumented. Stephen so the underwater robot was to smuggle more children across the rio grande. Lets put our cards on the table. So they hauled across crit in a beat up van. They enter this yundz water really sophisticated underwater robotics competition. They walk in, there were shiny rob odds. This thing is held by nasa. They are one of the sponsors. And shockingly fast forward to the end, the boys walk in. They compete against College Teams and shockingly, they ended up defeating the likes of mive. If. Stephen they are high school kids. What did you think when you went, did you think you are going to go there and kick a little ass or were you just there on a lark. No, we werent just going compete. We decided to compete against university because if we lost against the university it wasnt go tokai big deal, being in high school right now. But winning was a very big deal. Yes. Tell me about your robot. What did it have to do. It had to go underwater, take water samples, find certain underwater. Grab a few things underwater. Were there any crisis moments. Because those things tend to break at a moments if its. We had specifically there was one where we were getting water leaking into the Electronics Department but luckily one of our friends came up with a great idea to fix it. What he used tampons to get out the really. Out of the electronics. That would be a pretty good commercial. Yes. Because they never show what they are really for. Weve got a clip of the movie, lets take a listen. Here was a High School Team that had entered the collegiate division of the competition. Observationly called the explorer class. It was for multifunctional remotely operated vehicles. We were going with the mindset that we were going mainly as observers as an exploratory type of thing. If we enter the High School Level and we get beat that will be embarrassing. The teachers didnt want the boys to get totally demorallallized. We figured if we entered the College Level an lost it wouldnt be as much a big deal. I was like man, as long as we dont finish last, we knew we werent going to win. Panned if we just beat one college that would be phenomenal. I assume you got scholarships, went to college. Because we do need engineers what happened. Well, after graduating high school, i went to Community College first. Then i went to Arizona State university. But during that time arizona passed the law that kind of prevented us from getting scholarships to go to Arizona State so one of my teammates had to drop out of college for that reason. Are you working as an engineer now. Im working in the engineering field yes. So you selfdeported s so mitt romney as right. You selfdeported and went back to mexico and got back in line. How did you get back in. Senator durbin heard about my story through some of the local leaders and he kind of looked at my application one more time and once they did, they gave me a green card afterwards and then you joined the military. Joined the army. And served in afghanistan. Yes, i did, one tour in afghanistan. Okay. cheers and applause if you ever get sick get yourself to a lows by the way. I will keep that in mind okay. So what is the message here because im feeling a message. What message are you feeling . Im feeling that immigrants that we may not necessarily want in this country have can actually do good things. Stephen dont interrupt me. laughter i was so close, i was so close to getting your message. Now i think the message is secure our borders. laughter one thing i dont understand, oscar, is why as someone coming from another country to the United States looking for a job would you want to build robots. Because the robots are going to take all of our jobs. Well, you know, i have no for that actually. All right. I like that. Oscar, thank you so much. cheers and applause the movie is underwater dreams. Order it now. Well be right back. Were trying our best to be role models. Dels. We dont jump at the sound of the opening bell, because were trying to make the school bell. Corner booth beats Corner Office any day. We make the most of our time. And our money. The 2014 malibu. Highest ranked midsize car in initial quality the car for the richest guys on earth. Give not what they dont. Esire sheba pates always have meat as the first ingredient and, unlike the big brands, sheba is formulated without corn, wheat, soy or artificial flavors. Sheba®. Pure cat appeal™. A mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew. 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. Thats it for the report, everybodies good night. Al captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on vimeo today. Its a historic day for superhero fans. Not only is today the kickoff of the 44th annual comiccon. International in san diego, its all the batmans 75th birthday. Over the years, the brooding guardian of gotham and robins quoteunquote merpt. Has been played by adam west, michael keaton, val kilmer, george clooney, Christian Bale and this kid. We used to show that on web soup all the time. Of course, ben affleck is the next batman, so in honor of the dark knights 75th, we are thrilled to premiere an exclusive clip from the upcoming Batman V Superman dawn of justice. I hope this is okay. Wow big time. laughter applause yeah. So good. So dark and