Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140802 : vimarsana.

Perfect balance of dead white guys and secret illuminati symbols. cheers and applause please accept my application. And think of the economic consequences here. If we put a woman on the 1 bill will will be worth only 77 cents. Plus think about this. I mean just from a moral, just from a moral point of view if my wallet is filled with ladies, i cant keep it next to my butt, im a married man. And what about when you and your bros are having a night out if there is a female face on the money tucking into a g string might somehow feel demeaning to womenment and sure right now there arent any women on our cash but there are plenty of portraits of women in other important places. Bathroom signs, mud flaps, syrup bottles. And if women get on paper money i demand a mr. Butterworths. Where does obama expect to fit all these women. Is he going to make new bills . What denomination will it be. 3, 7, shoe. More importantly, what president obama fails to realize here is that we already have currency with a woman on it. The 2 bill. Its not used much, i know, but it probably honor proudly honors our founding mother, mrs. Doubtfire. Nation, ive just been informed that starting tomorrow israel and hamas will begin a 72 hour humanitarian ceasefire. Though they have agreed in hour 73 to resume their inhumanity this conflict in israel has been going on for, what is today, july 31st, 3,000 years. laughter and weve all been heartbroken by the horrors of this war. But now there have been disturbing reports to damage to one of our most Important International institutions, one direction, who are according to credible reports, divided over gaza. Thats right. One direction laughter one direction cheers and applause now has two directions. laughter i mean this makes me question a lot of my previous assumptions. I mean what if you do know that youre beautiful . That would mean youre no longer beautiful. I mean this could subvert the entire field of boy band epistemology. Of course there are other victims of this conflict, the news media. With accusations of violence being hurled from all side, reporters, anchors and pundits are caught in the crossfire. Though of course not cnns crossfire. Not even u. N. Inspectors have seen that show. Just listen, listen to some of these serious allegations that the media practise a proisrael slant. Take a look at this. Just a few of the israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahus interviews on American Networks in recent weeks. Benjamin netanyahu is been on television so much you would think he was an anchor, a coanchor on some of these shows. Benjamin netanyahu and israel prop gant prop gandists are largely given Carte Blanche to see what they want on american information with little pushback. Look how much air time netanyahu and his folks have on air on daily basis. I never seen one palestinian being interviewed. Were ridiculous. We are disgustingly bias when it comes to this issue. Stephen really . I do not see a proisrael bias on msnbc or on cnns the situation cab us. Because kubbutz because god knows charges of bias go both ways. Here is how they say the medias antiisrael bias works. What about this charge that we hear from israeli leaders and some of their supporters in the media the palestinians deliberately display dead bodies to score propaganda points. Is that a fair allegation. You see the picture of the civilian destruction and the civilian casualties. So its almost an unfair comparison when you see bodies versus talking heads. They are losing this. They only have the face of benjamin netanyahu. You cant compete with dead godies. Stephen shes right. Because thats how war works. We all know whoever has the most dead bodies wins. laughter thankfully, a group called the International Press institute has stepped in to end the conflict over reporting on this conflict. Its a nonprofit that promotes press freedoms around the world. And it has created a helpful guide to covering the israelipalestinian conflict called use with care, a reporters glossary of loaded language. Ive got the list right here, all right. This is the actual list. So i can report on the conflict without using any sensitive trigger words. For instance, the word trigger. laughter and to help me do that, ive got my intern jay. Jay the intern, come on out, everybody. cheers and applause stephen okay, now, folks, jay, good to see you my friend, nice to see you. Now folks, what weve done, jay and i have set up a computerized Monitoring System to alert me with this very computery red computer light, if i inadvertently use a word that is offensive to one side or the other, it will alert me. Now with that in mind, lets get right to the latest from these disputed areas. What was that. What was that . Are you not supposed to say disputed areas. The guide says there is technically a dispute but pro palestinians feel that reference to disputed areas legitimizes the israeli governments control of them. Stephen okay. Then i will call them shooty places. laughter now to the latest update on the aggression wait what did i say. Aggression. Israelis find the word problematic when used to describe military operations. Stephen thats perfectly understandable. Okay then on to the latest measures no measures. Stephen right, right, because that implies someones thought before doing something. Okay, okay, how about this. We now turn to the latest actions. Activities. Today things occurred laughter cheers and applause meanwhile in jerusalem its the name of a city. laughter but its a very disputed area. Aha not so easy, is it, jay. You know what, just forget this whole thing. The entire situation is [bleep]. laughter cheers and applause oh, well, great, well great. Well then well have complete coverage of this cluster [bleep] until they reach a final settlement. Closure hum us well be right back. Seriously . I cant say that . cheers and applause this is smith forge hard cider. Its like cecil here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Smith forge hard cider. Guess the mcmuffin doesntthe think hashbrowns matter. Its ok, hashbrowns. We still love you. The new am crunchwrap from taco bell. Eggs, bacon, cheese, plus a very meaningful hash brown inside. Wrapped and grilled to go. [bong] wrapped and grilled to go. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Can i pet your cloud please . Sure [ rumbling ] woah aah he doesnt like to be touched there. Mmm [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow taste the rainbow. [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow wel[thunder]he new cricket wireless. Did you know that over 97 of americans are covered by our network . Wooo cricket. Something to smile about. Have the experts at ohare party prepair replace them with tositos fajita scoops these chips have red peppers you can actually see. No wonder they taste like fajitas. Well even install a jar of delicous and cheesy queso blanco dip. Your party will be movin and grovin in no time. Tostitos. Bring the party cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, nation, i have said it before, you know it folks, opinions are like a holes, in that mine is the best. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up, folks, some scary news out of poland where a priest claims to be receiving Text Messages from the devil after performing an exorcism on a polish girl causing satan to possess her mobile phone. I got to say satan using cell phones does make sense, though satans contracts are slightly easier to get out of. I think weve all woken up after a night of drinking and found our phone sent some texts that could only be the work of the prince of darkness. And i have no idea how he got photos of my groin, charlene. So i got to give a reluctant wag of my finkeler to beelzebub for phoning this one in, come on you are the prince of lie, the incarnation of all evil, the sultan of swat. And this is the best you can do . I know sloth say deadly sin but possessing a cell phone is just damn lazy. Is possessing someone facetoface just too much effort for todays millennial demons . Whatever happened it to a little human devil contact. In my day this is what possession was. What are you going to do, send an emoji for project aisle vomit . And then text roftmho for rolling on the floor twisting my head off . But for anyone out there who suspects their smart phone might be in need of textorcism, do not take it to the genius bar. You will be there for an eternity. laughter stay tuned for more of the tip wag power hour coming up right after this sentence. Next up on tip wag everyone knows nasa has seen better days. The budgets were bigger, the goals were higher, everyone looked like ed harris. Now our Space Program is gutted. But like the crew of apollo 13 i have never lost hope and i store my urine in bags. Well, over the weekend, folks, america finally got some good nasa news. Nasas space rover on mars making some news of its own on sunday driving 25 mile, setting a new record for the longest offearth driving distance since it arrived in mars in 2004. Stephen which is why im giving a tip of the hat to nasa for their feat of off planet road offroading. Thats quite an achievement, folks. Because as the rovers project manager said, opportunity was only intended to drive about one kilometer. So basically about as much as a chevy cobalt. But what really has me excited about this new record is the record it broke which had been held by the soviet unions remote controlled lunokhod 2 rover which covered 24. 2 miles on the upon back in 1973. Which explains why opportunity used its 25 miles of tire tracks to spell out suck it, vlad cheers and applause stephen well be right back. Introducing Olive Gardens tuscan trios lunch. Start with our unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks for 6. 99, then make it a trio by adding 1 of 9 irresistible sides, like our creamy fettuccine alfredo for 2. 99. Tuscan trios lunch at olive garden. What does it mean to have an unlimited Mileage Warranty on a certified preowned mercedesbenz . What does it mean to drive as far as you want. For up to three years. And be covered . It means your odometer. Is there to record. The memories. During the mercedesbenz certified preowned sales event now through september 2nd, youll get complimentary prepaid maintenance and may qualify for a twomonth payment credit. Only at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. If it folds and flips, its breakfast. If its fresh brewed, its breakfast. Have breakfast for breakfast. The freshmade, from our kitchen. The egg white delight. Only from mcdonalds. So what are you having for breakfast . In the locker room, we are all the same. Win, or lose. We get what we need to come back. For more. Gatorade recover. 20 grams of procaliber protein, from the locker rooms of the pros, now in yours. Its like jacob here. Strong. Sturdy. [ shouts ] but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Come on, jacob built to refresh. Throw it to me smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Ohhh stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is the founder of the educational project, first goal transparency project becomes fact. Please welcome campbell brown. cheers and applause come Bell Campbell good to see you, thanks for coming on. Nice to see you again. It has been awhile. It as been awhile. Stephen you are a former anchor for cnn and nbc. Since leaving tv news you have become an advocate for School Choice and ed raise education reform. The most recent is files against the state of new york this week challenging teacher tenure in the Public School. Now im no fan of unions, but why do you have your guns out for these people. Its the same reason i am . So they can quit their lavish lifestyle of their 1983 honda civicsives driving around town . First let me correct something you said. Were not filing the lawsuit. Seven parents in new york city who have kids in new york state who have kids in public skols are bringing this lawsuit. Stephen what is your role, just a putinski. Were helping them and sporting them. Stephen how are you supporting them, giving them money, cashing. No, were helping them find legal help in order to bring their case. Stephen youre not helping pay for the legal help. The legal help is pro bono. Stephen its pro bono. I dont speak spanish. laughter sorry, no habla pro bono. Kirkland el sits law firm doing the work and theyre doing for free that means for free. Stephen okay. So you got some people mad at you for this. This doesnt happen very often but there were protestors outside of my studio today. I heard. Stephen going after a campbell brown. What you have done to upset these people . Well, i mean theyre trying to silence the debate, that is a really important debate that we should be having in this skriz do they not have the right to protest. Are you silencing the protest. Absolutely not. But i want these parents to have a voice in this debate too. And what theyre trying to do is change a Public Education system in this country that people across the political spectrum believe is in crisis and needs to change. Stephen how is it crisis in new york, what is the problem here. So if you look at the outcomes, Student Outcomes in new york, okay, so 91 of teachers around the state of new york are rated either effective or highly effective and yet 31 , 31 of our kids are reading, writing and doing math at our grade level. How does that compute. How you can argue the status quo is okay with numbers like that. Stephen i went to Public School in South Carolina and 31 sounds like a majority to me. Okay. Okay. But so why are we blaming why are we blaming the teachers . Maybe its the dumb kids, you ever thought about that . Kids are rated effective maybe we cut the kids loose and put them back in the bobin factory. This is not about blaming teach ters. Stephen blaming teachers, sounds like you are, the Teachers Union, here, arent you. I am blaming the Teachers Union because they are fighting attempts to change laws that are anachronistic. Stephen again, i dont outdated, antiquated. Stephen okay, that sounds good. So you know t it comes down to what your priorities are. And if Public Education is about kids, then every decision we make should be focused on the question of is this good for a child. And that should be the driving focus and the priority, when we decide where our policies should be and what our laws should be. applause stephen theyre going to clap what do they know. Stephen you are playing the good for child card. Okay. Is this based on children being able to get access to equal education . Thats exactly right. There was a similar case in california. And the plaintiffs in that case won. And some of our plaintiffs the other night are happy to be here. Stephen you can mention t i will edited it out but you can mention it. The thing is arent you opening a can of worms there because if you say the kids are entitled to equal education f that is your argument, doesnt that mean eventually youre going to say every child in the state of new york should have the same amount of money spent on their education . Rich community, poor community, pool it all in, split it all up among bobe , susie and billy everywhere. Because the argument is everyone gets the same opportunity. But youre suggesting that its all about the money. And i think. Stephen youre suggesting its about equality and money is one of the equations in equality or have i just schooled you . There have been many cases brought to fight the cause that are you bringing up right now. But in addition to that, because i do think there should be equality in the money. I think we should be paying teachers more. But on top of that we should also be treating teachers like professionals, evaluating them and trying to get an effective teach her in every kids classroom. And all the Research Shows that the least effective teachers are being centered in the most disadvantaged schools. So the poor. Stephen how does that work out. So what the tenure laws do combined with dismissal protections is make it impossible to fire a teacher who is found to be incompetent. It takes on average 830 days to fire a teacher who has been found to be incompetent. Stephen who gets to say whether a teacher is a good or bad teacher. Who gets to make that call. Its a combination of the principals and the people who are in charge of, you know, you have to evaluate. Stephen parents complaining. If a lot of parents are complaining, there is probably something to that. Stephen what if are you someplace where the parents dont want certain things taught to the kids, because i would love my kids not to be taught evolution. Could i get a teacher fired if i believed evolution wasnt a good thing if they didnt have tenure. That is one of the arguments is that theyre going to lose. Stephen im in the in the union. They are going to lose due process if we change these laws but thats simply not true. Everybody has a right to due process and a right to a fair hearing. Its very hard to argue that a law that makes teacher layoff decisions or Employment Decisions solely based on seniority is the right thing to do. When you have the teacher of the year in california being laid off and a teacher who has been found to be incompetent keeping their job. What does that do to the kids . I get that you want to defend teachers. And nobody wants to attack teachers. Stephen i dont really want to defend teachers or unions, i mostly just want to attack you. Just trying to win, campbell. Why. Stephen just trying to win, all right. Your organization, where does its money comes from. That is one of the things they asked me to ask you. I saw that on my twitter feed today. Who is funding this effort . Stephen who is funding your effort. Kirkland ellis, the law firm. Stephen the law firm is funding it. The law firm is doing this for free so we havent gone out to raise money. Stephen you havent raised any money. Im going it to be raising lots of money because were going to try to bring. Stephen after this, the colbert bump, youre going to be rolling in it. applause but we want this to be, we want this to be a national effort. We want to help parents in states across the country who want to do similar things. Stephen so its partnership for educational justice has not raised any money so far. Yeah, we are raising money. Stephen who did you raise it from. Im not going to reveal the donors. Stephen i respect that because i have had a super pac. I hear you. But part of the reason is the people who are outside today trying to protest, trying to silence our parents who want to have a voice. Stephen exercising the First Amendment rights. Absolutely. But theyre also going to go after people who are funding this. And i think this is a good cause and an important cause. And if someone wants to contribute to this cause without having to put their name on it, so they become a target of the people who are outside earlier today, then i respect that. Stephen well, i respect you. laughter i was trying to figure out who i would respect at this table. And there was no one left but you. Campbell, thank you so much for joining us. Good to see you. Stephen campbell brown, partnership for easy cational justice. Well be right back. This is smith forge hard cider. Its like jasper here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Sget 4 lines for just a hundred at tbucks. t . With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. So much for at ts best ever family pricing. Tmobiles got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. Up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to tmobile. Well even buy you out of your Service Contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, sometimes the Little Things last the longest. Give extra. Get extra. In all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. So i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Stephen well thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers and applause from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon hey welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a very nice show tonight. My guest tonight, aubrey plaza from the movie life after beth, but first, i dont even know how to tell you, folks, where to begin tonight. The middle east, you dont hear a lot about it these days. [laughter] but right before we started the taping, israel and hamas have apparently agreed to a 72hour ceasefire, a 72hour ceasefire. Very nice. [cheering and applause] thats three days. Heres what im hoping for, a threeday ceasefire somehow miraculously returns into an eightday ceasefire and suddenly we got ourselves another hanukkah working, a whole other miracle. Obviously this is something a lot of us have been hoping for. We continue to support diplomatic efforts to end the violence between israel and hamas. The president has put his presidency behind the efforts to try find peace in the region. Jon and now we got three days of it. [laughter] a long weekend of peace. Its still too early to really know