Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140809 : vimarsana.

Your upstairs neighbor is learning to play the djembe and a raging sandwich controversy rye, rye not . And my guest brian chesky founded air b b which lets users stay in homes around the world. I have a product that does that a crowbar laughter hawaii is facing backtoback hurricanes, so when theyre saying aloha to one, they will be saying aloha to another laughter this is the colbert report cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause welcome to the report thanks for joining us audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome welcome, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause stephen folks. Folks. Im sure you know, but americas relationship with russia continues to degrade. Finally, a true strong leader stepped up to punish russia and, no surprise, its vladimir putin. laughter jim . Vladimir putin is striking back against the wests economic sanctions. Today banning food imports to russia for one year. For the next year they are banning all imports of beef, pork, fruit, vegetable, poultry, seafood, cheese and milk in all forms fresh, frozen, processed, whatever and this applies to european union, australia, canada and norway. Stephen yeah, putin is impose ago ban on food imports from all major countries and norway. laughter i mean, face it. No one wants lutefisk. Sanctions cafe wide, banning everything from australian beef to latin and lithuanian pork and moldovan fruit, a relief to all the moldovan people who all really had their eye ton that pear. laughter the sanctions strikes at putins worst enemy, the russian people. Experts say putin is only hurting his own country. Stephen putin is cutting off his nose to spite his face and russians are scrambling to get the fresh nose meat because they sure arent getting our chicken. The items on the list now blocked from russia are u. S. Chickens. Russia is the second largest buyer of u. S. Chicken. Stephen russia has now choked off our chicken. But if russia wants to mess with American Business i intend to fight back with my ninepart plan cheering its actually a ninepiece plan. cheering oh, oh really what are we supposed to do with the surplus . Im sure youre enjoying your chicken kiev or whatever it is youre kieving now. I dont know how you could make it worse for us unless you were to say ban kentucky bourbon. Oh, golly does that mean cheers and applause does that mean more whiskey for us . cheers and applause mmm that is not a problem okay. I mean, whatever will we do . I mean, i guess well have to Start Cooking chickens in it i mean, bourbon glazed chicken cheers and applause i mean, oh i mean its its no cold beet soup, but it will do laughter you really got us with these sanctions, putin. I just hope you dont double down oh. That reminds me. cheers and applause yeah das vidania cheers and applause mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm folks. laughter im so glad youre joining us tonight if you are joining us. We taped the show at 7 00 so by the time youre seeing this, youre probably dead because, this week, the Ebola Outbreak thats been ravaging west africa finally spread to westwest africa, america. Jim . The growing ebola fear spreads around the country. There are fears the outbreak will continue to spread. Americans panicked over a possible Ebola Outbreak. Fear and panic over a possible Ebola Outbreak. Growing fears about ebola stephen yes were all afraid cheers and applause were all afraid about a coming Ebola Outbreak cheering everyone is on high alert cheering but mostly bill in our Graphics Department cheering heres how the plague has spread so far two American Health workers who contracted the disease while treating patients in africa have been evacuated to Emory University for emergency medical care. To add to the horror, emory is in atlanta so they probably had to fly delta and it brings me no comfort to know that ebola is spread only through intimate contact with bodily secretions such as vomit, blood and feces. Speaking of vomit, blood and feces. Donald trump. cheering donald tried to warn us about this looming pandemic via twitter. Stop the ebola patients from entering the u. S. Treat them at the highest level over there. Yes, we should have treated these desperately ill americans at the highest level in liberia no civil war era medical technology should be spared the freshest leaches the finest bite sticks and, sure, sure, these people were providing medical care to desperate villagers, but that doesnt mean they deserve special treatment, right, donald . They are great people, tremendous people, but they have to suffer the consequences audience reacts stephen no, no, hes right no, no, hey, hey. I said no laughter you have to suffer the consequences for your good deeds thats why mother theresas tombstone reads she had it coming laughter and the number of new ebola cases in the u. S. Is impossible to count because it is zero laughter so far six americans in the United States have been tested for ebola, thankfully all tests came back negative. Its pretty hard to catch so i think if youre upset about having a major outbreak in the United States you should really just relax, you know, take a deep breath and worry about getting hit by a car because you have a lot higher probability of that. Stephen you heard him, ebola has spread to our Car Dealerships no wonder that salesman looks so sick hes having a spasm and they still make him come to work laughter applause but, folks, just because no one has caught ebola in america doesnt mean ebola cant catch you fox brain surgeon ben carson, infect us with your fear. If there were a container of contaminated urine and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace, a lot of damage could be done. You always have to guard for the worst Case Scenario. So, you know, someone comes up to a lab worker, he knows hes got the urine, how would you like to have a Million Dollars . A little transaction there. I mean you say thats crazy, never could happen. Such things have been known to happen. Stephen now you may say dr. Ben carson is just yanking bleep out of his ass, but, remember, thats another way ebola is spread. applause dr. Carson is right. Dr. Carson, this good man is right. You should always guard against the worse possible Case Scenario and, frankly, i can think of worser scenarios. First the terrorist inject urine into circus lions and release them into a boy scout jamboree. Or a group is on a bus and passes the c. D. C. And they hit a high c. And causes the vials to shatter. Then a cold front moves in and sucks all the ebola into the sky and suddenly its raining death pee pee or often plausibler, its friday and the c. D. C. Throws a party, fun place, they serve cups of mountain dew but they cant tell it from the urine and somebody could actually drink peebola laughter applause im just joking. laughter i would never do that. Theyre both urine. applause we only have one chance. It is clear that we only have one chance to stop this spreading panic. We must isolate the source of the outbreak. Our imagination cheers and applause well be right back. cheers and applause she yours . Yeah. My first. Congratulations. Your applewood pulled pork with extra pickles, sir. The subway applewood pulled pork has arrived. With that sweet, smoky flavor ya love. Subway. Eat fresh. Get 4 lines for just a hundred at tbucks. t . With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. So much for at ts best ever family pricing. Tmobiles got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. Up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to tmobile. Well even buy you out of your Service Contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. Stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, i dont know about you, but way back in the day when i was a little kid and i needed a question answered i always used to turn to my favorite family member, tv. laughter it answered all the Big Questions like whats happening and whos the boss and howdy doody and now id like to use tv to answer your questions in my weekly viewer mail segment i do twice a year. Its time to check the inbox. laughter heres todays viewer letter. Here you are. Dear stephen, which is the superior sandwich the b. L. T. Or club. Please settle this, ive got a lot of money riding on it, sincerely pope francis, the vatican. Okay, your holeness holiness, ie avoided this for years because b. L. T. Versus club is politics. It dates back to palestine and could use or muslims eat the sandwich. On the one hand, you have the b. L. T. , an honest sandwich that teleses you everything you need to know up front. It has bacon, lettuce and tomato. On the other hand, youve got the club. What does that acronym stand for, chicken, lettuce, underwear and balloons . Thats disgusting sounds like the dumpster outside party city. Plus the b. L. T. Is inspired by god. The bacon, lettuce and tomato represent the holy trinity. The lettuce is the holy ghost because nobody is sure why its there. laughter mean while, the club also has bacon, lettuce and tomato but it ruins the perfect lineup by adding turkey. Thats like when crosby, stills and nash ruined their lineup by adding a turkey cheering he, of course, is later replaced by neil young who did not have the turkey vocal range. Meanwhile the b. L. T. Is a warm, inviting sandwich, welcoming to all. But the Club Sandwich is so exclusive. Oh, whats that . You wont let me into your Sandwich Club because im not wearing tennis whites and my last name doesnt end in iii . Youve got a lot of nerve which i think is one of your ingredients. The b. L. T. Can stand on its own whereas the club has no structure integrity and has to be propped up by a decorative tooth pick or as the child said, mommy, the sandwich shived me in the mouth. While the b. L. T. Is between two nice bread slices, the club has an extra layer of toast. A freaky bread threeway, a my a minage of toast. Its so good it must have more bread . How am i supposed to toast three pieces of toast . Oh, i know, ill use my threeslice toaster bleep you im sorry, folks no, no, no its not even a contest, the club will do if you have fallen down a cra vases and cant eat your arm. The clear winner is the b. L. T. , its an American Hero. Its an American Hero that is way better than an American Hero. I hope that answers your question il papa. How about those indulgences i asked for . They shouldnt have built the retirement home so close to where my car was driving. Jim, lets close the inbox. Well be right back. cheers and applause get a large, twotopping pizza for just 7. 99, at pizzahut. Com. A deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the 7. 99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut. Com. The best pizza hut deals live online. Pizza hut watching your favorite players come on, get open. Yeah. With nfl mobile on verizon. Yes get in there go, go, go, go, yes lets go, drew. The notsogood more would be them always watching you. Go for it, paul get open come on, paul lets go hustle what is that, chamomile tea . uh, lattes. You wanna take a nap . get the good more with nfl mobile, free with the more everything plan. Exclusively from verizon. Now get 50 off all new smartphones. Wwe pride ourselves onn bold authentic flavors, . With the finest ingredients. Our vegetables are farm grown, and prepared with the passion they deserve. 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Please welcome brian chesky cheers and applause hey, brian whats going on . Thank you. Stephen youre the cofounder and c. E. O. Of air b b, a 10 billion Hospitality Exchange company. What is the difference between air b b and just home prostitution . Because some of these houses are literally on street corners. The whole idea is we have this idea, what if you could have your home anywhere in the world. We wanted to take the strangeness out of it. I can go homes all over the world, already. You get to meet them before and with the click of a button you can have a castle in ireland, a boat on cape town or a home in paris. How do i know the person wont kill me and wear my skin . laughter the whole idea is there are no strangers here. You get to meet people, see their profile and it works off trust. You get to read the reviews of people who stayed before with people in this house. You can read and message them when youre comfortable. Stephen what inspired this . I moved into my roommate and we couldnt afford to pay rent. In san francisco, there was a conference in and the hotels were sold out. There was a bed and breakfast, they didnt have any beds. Joe just moved up there. Joe pulled three air beds out of the closet, inflates them and we realize its an air b b. Stephen thats why its called air b b yes. laughter stephen this is called the new sharing economy. Right. Stephen i missed the day in kindergarten where they taught us about sharing. I dont like it. Okay. Stephen laughter weve got yo uber, task rabbit eventually, will everyone below the 1 just be helping each other . Why do you think this is taking off . I think this is taking off because with the sharing what the sharing kind of really means is now people in 60 seconds can become microentrepreneurs. If you have a skill, doesnt matter what economic class youre a part of. What this really means is people now have the power to become entrepreneurs. Stephen who doesnt like you because of this because youve gotten heat from various cities and hotel chains, have you or not . Weve got an little bit of heat, yes. Stephen all right, why . I think that there are some people who dont want to change the way things are. I totally understand that. That being said, you know, we launch during economic crisis of 2008 and there were people who really needed this change to happen and i think its fundamentally good for the world applause stephen but you guys are competing with these huge hotel chains, and i just want to ask, should people have the same rights as corporations . laughter you know, air b b is a corporation and we started i was the first host of air b b. I believe everyone should be able to participate in the economy like a corporation. Stephen do you still use it . Im staying tonight in new york on the empire state building. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen have you ever had a bad experience with the air b b . I have not. Stephen if you had said yes, as c. E. O. , i would have fired you. I stayed with a woman with a parrot and that was a little awkward. Stephen one of my writers recently at the show stayed at an air b b for about a month and when she left, the host gave her a wide screen tv and two naked mannequins. Is that standard protocol . Well, i think the idea is that a little bit you never know what youre going to get, and i think many people become friends after and theres this wonderful cultural exchange. For an example, tonight around the world 375,000 people are staying together in 160 countries. Stephen wow applause whats your percentage on that . We take 13 off every booking. Stephen wow and the world cup, one in five people, 120,000, were also staying in air b b. Stephen welcome thats right. Stephen heres your broken bottle. Exactly. laughter stephen is there any place you want to be . Were in every country except north korea, iran, syria and cuba. Were not in those four countries. Embargoos, only, we dont have access. Stephen or light. Exactly. Stephen well, thank you so much for joining me. Brian chesky, cofounder of air b b. Check it out well be back cheers and applause [ male announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches have the protein and fuel to fire you up. Hot pockets got protein to pleeease cuz every bite has got my hot ham and cheeeeese hey pinata i got energyyy from my, my hot pockets my hot pockets with the protein of premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. Its food that fires you up hot pockets my hot pockets nestle. Good food, good life. I kind of have four of them. Blue shirt well with the powerful intel processor inside this 2in1 you can handle them all. Plus it comes with dragon assistant. Student hey dragon, whats the boiling point of ammonia . Dragon heres what i found. Student do iguanas bite . Dragon searching the web. Vo all lenovo yoga 2in1s on sale starting at 399. 99. Best buy americas back to school techfitter. Can i pet your cloud please . 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