Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140815 : vimarsana.

I cant stop them. cheers and applause . Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, weve got a big show to do. Folks, weve got a big show to do. I know. I would try to stop you from chanting but we know what happens when someone tries to stop the colbert nation. cheers these people are locked and loaded. Folks, speaking of which, you know im a proud supporter of the second amendment. I consider it first among amendments that arent the first one. laughter these days we gun advocates are being treated like common crim nalz. A 54yearold Research Doctor arrested after he entered an airport terminal carrying an Assault Rifle. Dr. Peter steinmetz was carrying an ar15 over his shoulder when he was taken into custody last week. He told police he visited the airport to simply buy a cup of coffee. laughter stephen, of course. You gotta go to the airport for coffee. Airports are to coffee as bus stations are to nachos. laughter and, yes, steinmetz may have pointed an ar15 Assault Rifle in the direction of a mother and her teenaged daughter, so obviously were not looking at a brain surgeon here. Hes technically a top neuroscientist. Perhaps hes studying the part of the brain that overrides impulse control. The point is, arrests like this are pure discrimination, and that hurts the children. Fortunately, two gun lovers have written a new Childrens Book to help kids understand the open carry lifestyle. Its called my parents carry. laughter it tells the heartwarming story of brenna, her mom, and what looks like her other mom wearing a mustache. laughter unlike other parents, brennas mom and dad carry loaded weapons openly, which might make her feel different, but her father reassures her that, brenna, there is evil in this world and we want to protect you the best we can. When seconds count, the police are minutes away. What a beautiful bedtime story. The world is full of maniacs who want to hurt you and the police cant help. Good night, honey. laughter applause let me just open the window here so you can get a breeze, turn off the lights. Goodbye. laughter folks, i know the kids are just going to spend hours reading this book because its full of thousands and thousands of words. For instance, mom and dads morning ritual. They retrieve their handguns from the locked gun safe and check them to make sure they were loaded. Brens parent were dressed casually. Her dad wore a white polo shirt, tan pants. Her mom wore white cargo shorts and a nice shirt and her wellworn brown loafers. That might seem like a lot of specifics for a Childrens Book but remember a detailed description is important for the police report. laughter folks, my parents open carry is long overdue. I wish there were more firearms in Childrens Books. I mean look at that the very hungry catepillar. Someone is clearly out to get this guy. The entire book is riddled with bullet holes. laughter applause or how about goodbye forever, moon. That teach you to look through a kids window you perv. Or west of all, where the wild things are. And, folks, folks, the 2016 president ial election is almost upon us and i for one captain wait to see who the American People elect next for john boehner to sue. Of course, former first lady, former senator, and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton is the current frontrunner, which is surprising since it sounds like she cant hold down a job. laughter now, secretary clinton says she hasnt made up her mind about whether shes running yet, but me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much. Lets just look at the facts. One, shes on a National Book tour pushing her memoir hard choices. Two, shes extremely qualified. Three, lets forget about number two and just focus on the book thing. Which, by the way, for the record i dont get. Sure, its been on the New York Times bestseller list for seven weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide but i recently picked up the audio book. I like to listen to it when im on the treadmill at the gym ragersizing. Heres the colbert review. Heres my review. This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping. Jim . Tanzanian Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda and i do some planting at a womens cooperative. Stephen did you catch that, tmz. She just happened to be hanging out with mizengo. Not impressed. So shes tight with the Prime Minister of tanzania. I happen to be email pen pals with the prince of nijaesh, okay . That reminds me i should really i should write that guy back. Shiwrite that guy. applause gotta write him. He owes me a ton of money. And theres more. The first time i met the burmese Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi in 2011, we were both wearing white. Stephen really . Wearing white after labor day . Obviously, her nobel prize wasnt in fashion. Again, jim. German chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of humor. Stephen you heard it, folks. Hillary clinton thinks german chancellors are a laugh riot. Heil hilarity. Here, bono sits with me at the piano. Stephen big deal bono sits with everybody at the piapo. Call me when youre sitting with david bowie at a didgeridoo. I just dont buy any of this. There is no way on earth one woman in so many places at once. cheers and applause cheers and applause Hillary Hillary Hillary Hillary Hillary Stephen dont you dare dont you dare you were checkin chanting my nar minutes ago, 200timers. cheers and applause . Hillary clinton. Now whos a name dropper, stephen . Stephen oh, really . Name dropper . Thats not what my good friend tom hanks calls me. When were hanging out at George Clooneys place. Oh, i love george. I wish he could have joined us when i had lunch with meryl streep and ecuadorian president hamirafael correa. Oh, rafi. He is such a cutup, especially when we go camping with oprah. laughter . Oh,. Does that surprise you . No, o is just what all her real friend call oprah. Q. I know paul mccartney. I nd karzai. Stephen i shared an office with steve carell. laughter . I held highlevel talks with Chinese State counselor dye bing gwo. Stephen well, now youre just making words up. I will have you know, madam, i once did an entire show with president bill clinton. Oh applause i hate to break this to you, stephen, but ive met him, too. Stephen gosh, you know everyone what kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your book . Well, youre not in it, stephen . Stephen oh, arent i . You ever notice how president of turkmenistan gurbanguly berdmuhameadow are never in the same room at the same time. No stephen oh, yes. Stephen and, madam, it is not just your name dropping i call into question. I question cur title. Its called hard choices. But there arent any real hard choices in here. What about negotiating fragile alliances and treaty. Stephen oh, im talking about real hard choices eternal questions like which would you rather fight one horsesized duck or 100 ducksized horses . cheers and applause . Well stephen boom now, i admit that is a valid question. Heres what id do. First, id try to find Common Ground between ducks and horses. For instance, they both grew up on old mcdonalds farm. Then, id establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horseduck dialogue. laughter and, stephen, im convinced with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the pigs and the geese, wed have peacepeace here, peacepeace, there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace. cheers and applause . Stephen eieioh, youre good and now, stephen, ive got a hard choice for you. Stephen bring it, h. R. C. Oh, it will be brought. Your choice. Promote my book or i wont appear on your show. Stephen but you have already appeared on my show. laughter . Stephen no no y learned that from george lucas. laughter . Stephen i met him. Hes a friend. Well, no one will know i got Hillary Clinton on my show. Fine fine buy hard choices, available in bookstores everywhere there are still bookstores. On or our web site down here, okay . Okay. Stephen oh, thank you. Thank you, stephen. Was that such a hard choice to make . laughter applause stephen yes, it was. Hillary clinton, everybody. Hard choices. Madam secretary, thank you so much. Thank you stephen Hillary Clinton, everybody. cheers and applause . Student well i dont have just one major, i kind of have four of them. Blue shirt well with the powerful intel processor inside this 2in1 you can handle them all. Plus it comes with dragon assistant. Student hey dragon, whats the boiling point of ammonia . Dragon heres what i found. Student do iguanas bite . Dragon searching the web. Vo save 100 on select hp 2in1s. Best buy americas back to school techfitter. [ female announcer ] aveeno® daily moisturizing lotion has active naturals® oat with five vital nutrients. [ aniston ] because Beautiful Skin goes with everything. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful results™. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, you know folks, some have said that the universal language is music. Others say that its love. Yet, ive always had trouble communicating have a saxophone dry humping. The real universal language is english. Its a verbal skeleton key you can use to talk with anyone on earth, except your dry cleaner. Donde esta my pants, abilio so its no wonder the world is desperate to learn english, which has opened the door for the brazilian Language Training company c. N. A. To exploit a dangerous new source of english expertise. We created a tool that connects our students with students in the u. S u. S. A. Retug home. Hello . Hello, hello. Can you hear me . Yes, i can, can you hear me. This is my prght. He has 23 years. Do you know instead of saying, he has 23 years, you could say, he is 23 years old. Stephen nation, this is the most terrifying thing i have ever seen. And i have 50 years. laughter now, that young brazilians are learning english from our senior citizens, it wont be long until they have fluid discussions about sherbet, early bird specials. And brazilian teens are taking more than just language from our illegal immigramps. Thats me and my wife when we were young. Oh, you were good looking. Good morning, dear julia. Good morning to you. If you were here, i would give you a big hug. Oh, yeah, a hug. You are my new granddaughter, and i love you. I love you, too. Stephen theyre stealing our love i love you, too. No nation, these caring human relationships are an abomination. In america youre not supposed to communicate with the elderly. Youre supposed to store your feelings up all year until christmas when you thereto it out with one emotionally charged, thank you for the sweater. Worse, these a. F. C. O anchor olde arming the lords with the wisdom of the greatest gen raingzs. We cant let these kids learn the secrets of life from the people who beat hitler. How will we beat hitler next time . Remember, this is brazil. He might still live there. Well be right back. cheers and applause what does tmobile have that at t doesnt . Get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks. With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. So much for at ts best ever family pricing. Tmobiles got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. Up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to tmobile. Well even buy you out of your Service Contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. Feel it in your heart, feel it in your soul, let the music take control, karamu. New bud light lime appleahhhrita fiesta forever. I lochecked bag. Free with my united mileageplus explorer card. I have saved 75 in checked bag fees. Priority boarding is really important to us. You can just get on the plane and relax. I love to travel, no foreign transaction fees means real savings. We can go to any country and spend money the way we would in the u. S. When i spend money on this card i can see brazil in my future. For a limited time, earn 50,000 bonus miles. Offer ends september 2nd. Stephen welcome back. My guest tonight is the director of titanic. Finally, someone went looking for that necklace. Please welcome james cameron. cheers and applause hey, james. Thanks so much for coming back. Good to see you. Thank you. Stephen im sewer excited about your new movie, and the adventure that you went on. Americas number one again, right . You put america back in the drivers seat of exploration. Damn right the sub was built in australia. Stephen okay. Thank you for coming. Thank you so much. We built part of it here. Stephen your new movie is called deep sea challenger 3d. Tell the good people what you did, when your dream was and how you achieved it. I imagined going to the deepest spot on the planet. I got a great team around me, we built a sub,un, the sub stephen this is this is what you went in. This is the sub. And i would go in the hatch stephen lets turn that bad boy around. Youre the captain. All right how big is this thing in reality . How big in reality are we talking about . 24 feet. Stephen and that doesnt make that very big down there. No, probably smaller than the size of this table is the sphere i was in. Stephen how tall are you . 62. Stephen all right, you built it. Why didnt you make yourself a more luxurious cabin. Did you get in and say oh, bleep . We built it in centimeters. I meant inches. Well, you know, budget. Stephen okay. Budget. So we tried to make it small enough that we could get it on to a ship and off a ship. Stephen really, budget . If only you had a more successful career. Yes. laughter stephen im so sorry. Why is this your dream . Youve done youve done all these fan fantastic movies. The titanic, but why why put yourself in this kind of danger to go to the deepest point in the ocean . Why ynot just tape a gopro to a bag of rocks and drop it off . Why do you have to go . I told i told the crew i threw a crescent wrench overboard and said that just went to the deepest spot in the ocean. Getting down there is easy. And getting back is hard. Thats why we had to go through all the tech development. Why did i want t to go . Curiosity. I wanted to see it with my own eyes. I wanted to see a place no one had seen before. Stephen it looks like a cock eyed submarine. It looks like a submarine pointed down. We called it the vertical torpedo. I said guys were going to build a vertical torpedo and drive it straight down as a matter of fact we can. Stephen that was my stripper name. laughter applause okay, lets look lets look at a little clip of you in the vertical torpedo. Release. Release. Release. I think my heart rates up a little bit at the moment that i tell them to release the sub. I start to drop. But right away, theres so many things to do establishing communications and all that. Surface. Deep sea challenger, do you copy . Over. Deep sea challenger, how do you copy, over . Copy you john, loud and clear. Its like im talking to my grandma. Do you want a biscuit . laughter . Stephen how long how long did the trip take . applause how long how long did it take you to go all the way down . Two and a half hours to get down, an hour and a half to get back up, and there were three hours on the bottom. I had hoped for more, like 5. Stephen i dont do math. How much is the total amount . Seven and a half hours. Stephen seven and a half hours. What were the facilities like . You didnt have room for a back bathroom, did you . Not at all, have you ever been on a car trip and you tell your parents you have to go to the bathroom and they turn and hand you a bottle. Stephen really . How much did this cost to make . A lot. Stephen millions of dollars. Millions. Stephen when it came to go to the bathroom you were basically, you were basically an undersea trucker. Yes. Stephen as you said, easy to get down, hard to get up. Once youre down there at 36,000 feet, which is i think you say in here its deeper than everest is high. Plus four empire state buildings on top of that. Stephen okay, how do you get back up . You just crop these weights that are on the side. I throw one switch. The weights come off and i come up like a rocket, seven knots. Stephen how does it feel to be the first man to ever litter the ocean . Did you feel like armstrong throwing a coke bottle on the moon . Exactly. Youre the first person thats asked that question. Stephen okay, okay. Let me ask one other question cheers and applause youve done all this exploration. Youve done all this exploration. Obviously, you need this exploration. You spent this time, you spent this money. When are you going to take the time to do the explorations in here . Ill work on that. Stephen james cameron, thank you for joining us. James cameron deep sea challenge 3d. Well be right back. cheers and applause yo, untamed larger than life, move fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. For danger, risk and potential fugitive status. Obedience will be discouraged. Impatience rewarded. Impossible odds, inevitable. Hostility . Probable. Anonymity . Unlikely. Calling all those who follow their instincts. Because when we are at our most primal. We are forever faster. Am rich. My Social Circle includes captains of industry, former secretaries of state, oil tycoons, and ambassadors of countries known for their fine cheeses. Yes i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Thats why theres a listerine® product for every mouth. One to clean your whole mouth. 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