Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140903 : vimarsana.

This phone . Sure stephen hi we won for show and we won for riding last week and now were going to go celebrate in the official emmy parking garage, because thats glamour, thats hollywood. And thank you, nation. This is the colbert report captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org eagle caw cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world, nation, huge show tonight i am either very happy about the emmys or wondering why i went. laughter either way, i cannot wait to find out how i am so hung over. Oh, excuse me, hold on a second. My stover frozen dinner is ready and, oh, kids theres nothing i enjoy more than eating a nice, hot stouffers familysize lasagna. After this, i will feel like ive got a baby in me laughter and the reason im stouffin my face is this crowd hails from the 78th installment from my 434th part series ohios 11th, includes the city of cleveland, founded by general Moses Cleveland in 1796. As of the 1800s, the citys population consisted of only three men a sociological condition known today as north dakota. In 1879, cleveland became the worlds first city to be lighted electrically. Residents were proud of the achievement, though disappointed to see more of cleveland. laughter the 11th is home to the mighty chiia hogue gay river, once so polluted, it caught on fire 13 times. After the first 12 fires they realized they shouldnt try to put them out with river water. In 1935, the district was the first place of alcoholic anonymous founded by bill wilson and dr. Bob smith. Oh, shoot founded by two guys. Sorry. laughter okay. Ohios 11th is the home of the cavaliers, the browns and the cleveland indians, a team so bad that they are in last place at offending native americans. laughter the rock and roll hall of fame in cleveland attracts hundreds of thousands of tourists to the 11th each year. This year the hall inducted 70s rock band kiss whose front man gene simmons is the only thing more colonel luted than the river. laughter and who represents the district . Congresswoman martha fudge the head of the congressional black caucus. I sat down with her in her office. Congresswoman, thank you for talking to me. My pleasure. Thank you for having us. Stephen tell me about the fight in the 11th. The 11th, though my opinion is probably biased, is the best in the united states. We have the best orchestra, the best healthcare with the Cleveland Clinic, University Hospitals and Stephen Lebron with, am i right . Up top . Lebron. Stephen up top . You must be excited hes returning to cleveland. Absolutely. Stephen you must be pretty excited when anyone is returning to cleveland. I am excited hes coming back to cleveland, absolutely. Stephen your district is home to derripada and you host a Lemonade Stand and you were born in your district . Yes. Stephen is it accurate to say milk, milk, le let lemonade . laughter i guess, yes. Stephen okay. Cleveland is known for its healthcare. Yes. The Cleveland Clinic is the site of the worlds first face transplant. Yes. Stephen how do we know you are who you say you are and not in someone who stole your face and represent you . Ive had this face a long time. A lot of people know me. Stephen let me ask your opinion. Okay. Stephen do you think i should just get a freshen up or have a new one put on. I think you look fine. Stephen im thinking just a little, like this. Hi laughter i think you look great. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen thank you very much. Lets move on to another subject. What do we do about children from el salvador and quat mall leand honduras who are coming to our southern border in droves . I think we should follow the law and the law says that we have to give them a due process hearing and determine if, in fact, they should be sent back or if they can stay in this country. Stephen the law also says to protect our borders. It does and we do. Stephen how so . Theyre getting across, tens of thousands of these kids, if they are kids. You dont even know if they are children. Guatemalaians are very wonderful but very small people laughter any one of them could be adults wearing a kids suit. We put laws in place for a reason. The 2008 law signed by president george bush needs to be enforced. Stephen you fought for Immigration Reform to include immigrants from africa. Why would you want to do that . We tried that for 300 years and it was terrible for both sides laughter led to a huge problem. Led to a war. It was over slavery. Stephen im pretty sure the war wasnt over slavery. Yes. Stephen it was . But it wasnt necessarily because people from africa were trying to come across our borders as immigrants. We were brought here against our own will. Stephen well, history will be the judge. laughter speaking of people of color. John boehner. You held hands and sang we shall overcom in 1964, right . Yes. Stephen racism is over, right . No, it is not. Stephen how could you have done that if there was still racism . It says we shall, at some point we will. Stephen we have overcome. Join me. We have overcome we have overcome albeit recently things have gotten better. Yes. Stephen when you look back at the most egregious part of racism, jim crow era, 50s, 60s, is there any part of it that you miss . No, i dont think so. laughter stephen okay. The drinking fountains. Dont get me wrong, i dont think there should be white or black drinking fountains. Anyone could drink anywhere they want. But there were twice as many. It was just more convenient, you know. I dont think drinking fountains are the most sanitary thing anyway. Stephen thats your biggest problem . No, that there were white and black. Stephen if you dont want to use either one, why is it a problem . It Restricted Movement in our nation. Stephen i agree. You and i are singing the same tune with different lyrics. laughter cleveland is the rock and roll hall of fame. Yes. Stephen i have two grammies. I had a band in the 80s called stephen and the colberts. Im not familiar wit, no. Every time i see you, i think of you every time im near you, i think of you i think of you when i dream of you and im taking pictures of you i think of you when im in a blimp look hing down from up above you you know im missing you my mind is kissing you im right behind you now, charlene laughter im right behind you now, charlene laughter stephen that doesnt ring a bell at all . It doesnt are we done . Please. Stephen no, were not done stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of this thing were not done with. Well be right back what does tmobile have that at t doesnt . Get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks. With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. So much for at ts best ever family pricing. Tmobiles got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. Up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to tmobile. Well even buy you out of your Service Contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. When you put your name on something, it means something. For over 140 years, coors banquets been brewed in one place. With pure Rocky Mountain water and the best high country barley. And someone with the name coors still tastes our beer every week. Making sure it tastes as good today as it did in 1873. Thats something were proud to put our name on. Coors. The banquet beer. What does it mean to have an unlimited Mileage Warranty on a certified preowned mercedesbenz . What does it mean to drive as far as you want. For up to three years. And be covered . It means your odometer. Is there to record. The memories. During the mercedesbenz certified preowned sales event now through september 2nd, youll get complimentary prepaid maintenance and may qualify for a twomonth payment credit. Only at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. No, no, noooh , no and i pick you ill name you. Cornelius pumperdinkle only one in one hundred are lucky enough to become americas favorite nut applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Before the commercial break, i was grilling ohio congresswoman marsha fudge, which if you add marshmallow and graham crackers would make a congressional sh shmore. Music transcends everything until we decide its going to be a great idea to have musicians come together. Stephen is it fair to say you want to rock us out with the caucus out . Yes. Stephen would you be willing to say that . applause do you have a pack . I do. And is it called fudge pack . It is not . No. Stephen would bit a good name, though . No. Stephen everyone would like to have a Bumper Sticker saying i am a fudge packer. It would be great. You think about that . Ill think about it. Stephen moving on. You were an outstanding athlete. I was. Stephen in your youth. You were a fencing champion in high school. Yes. Stephen ive done a little fencing. Have you . Stephen congresswoman. laughter i challenge you to a duel. I accept stephen my name is stephen colbert. Prepare to die. If i win, you make me a member of the congressional black caucus. If you win, ill make you a member of the white caucus. Ill talk to somebody. Whose is that . Mine. Stephen what that was me, baby that was all me that was all me applause so, thats two out of three . Two out of three. applause stephen i accept your defeat graciously. I am now a proud member of the congressional black caucus. Lets put ohios 11th up on the big board oh looks like the Cuyahoga River is having its fourteenth fire. Well be right back. My son is going to wash the family prius. He insisted on using the rain to save water. Fourteen years ago, i insisted on buying our first prius. Because like toyota, we both know theres a way to do things, and a way to do things even better. The prius. Toyota, lets go places. Wow [ narrator ] on a mission to get richard to his campbells chunky soup. Its new chunky beerncheese with beef and bacon soup. I love it. And mama loves you. And mama loves you. Nowwith the virtualhe phfreedom of wifi. The car, chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring builtin 4g lte wifi to cars, trucks and crossovers. Hi mom. You made it its the new independence. cheers and applause Stephen Stephen our guests tonight are here to discuss the giver, their new film about a world where everyone is forced to conform. So, high school . Please welcome jeff bridges and lois lowry cheers and applause jeff, ms. Lowery, thank you so much for being here jeff bridges, you are an Academy Award winning actor, producer, musician. Lois lowry, newberry author of over 30 books applause one of which is the giver and now the two of you have gotten together to make a new movie in which you star as the giver and it opens in theaters august 15. Why did you want to make this movie, man . Well, it was all about the photograph on the cover that lois took. Stephen it kind of looks like you. Well, yeah, but i thought it looked like my father, lloyd bridges many years ago. This was 18 years ago. And i said, you know, i want to make a movie that my kids can watch. Looks like it has the newberry stamp award on there. My dads up for it and, you know stephen did you make it . Well stephen your dad passed away many years ago. We made the video version of it. Stephen okay. And you may see it at some point in time. We do this pastfuture thing. You never know how it might work out. Hes trying to find it, its in his garage someplace. Stephen are there a lot of old films of yours you dont know where they are . laughter my kids love this book. This book has been read millions and millions of times. Its assigned in schools. Is that a badge of honor that its assigned in schools or, when you hear that, you go, oh, my god dont make them read it when i hear some kids by email who say, tell me all the simile and metaphors in the book, i need it by thursday i hate that. Stephen is it a metaphor for something . A few people out there know the story of the giver obviously, i do laughter tell the people what its about. Its about an old guy played by jeff bridges laughter who has an enormous job transmitting to a jung boy played by brenton sway whos not here, too bad, hes real cute transmitting to him all the memories of the culture for the history of the world. Stephen and the reason you have to do it is, in the future, there is this place called the community and in it they dont have memory. They have found a way to manipulate human memory for their purposes. Stephen is that a good or bad thing not to have memory . Because there is stuff i would like to forget. We would all like to forget it. Stephen honest to god. John klein wrote, today i walk down the street i used to wander, scratched my head and made myself a bet, there are all these things i dont think i remember, how lucky can one man get. Wouldnt it be nice to remember the things that hurt us . You remembered four lines of poetry. I cant do that cheers and applause stephen whats the value . Why does this society, this community, why do they purposefully inject people with something to make them forget . Theyre going for perfection. Stephen is it that bad . Yeah. It doesnt work. Were perfectly imperfect, you know. Stephen youre blowing my mind. cheers and applause okay. What do they achieve . Lets talk about the down sides. What does a society achieve . What are the pros . They are comfortable, safe, theyre happy. Stephen all of that sounds pretty good, ive got to say. I wouldnt mind being comfortable and safe and happy. Would you like to not love . Because, as the song goes, love hurts. Love hurts. Stephen love is a battl battlefield. Oh stephen okay. So you have to suffer to love . Suffering is a part of the whole deal, man. Its human. When you try to get rid of that, it cozes a lot of different problems. What you have to do is kind of bear witness to our suffering and try to get some empathy for each other. And along with the things they gained, the comfort and happiness, they have lost something of their humanity but also they lost art, music, literature. Theres no books except in the place where he lives. He lives in a place with 22,000 books on the shelves and walls. I have one beef with the book and im sure the movie, too, is its a little antiauthoritarian, okay . Its got a problem with authority, and i think you should have a problem with it, too, because since this book is assigned, shouldnt kids rebel against authority and refuse to read it because their teachers told them to . There is that. cheers and applause stephen the giver in theaters august 15th. Theaters august 15th. This is a burrito made with chocolate, soybeans, and apricots. What kind of chef comes up with this . A chef working with ibm watson, on the cloud. Ingredients are just data. Watson turns big data into new ideas. And not just for food. Watson is working with doctors and bankers to help transform their industries. Today theres a new way to work. And its made with ibm. [ shutter clicks ] hi there [ laughs ] im flo i know im going to get you your rental car. This is so ridiculous. 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Powerful allergy relief now in a tablet that starts dissolving instantly. New zyrtec® dissolve tabs. Stephen back to the report, everybody good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioning sponsored by captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon hey. Welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Kindon crowder stewart, stewart, stewart very kind to do whatever it is youre doing there. Here to talk about nis his new book the taliban revival, really one of the worst revivals thats come out. I know what youre thinking, taliban . They went out of style. Thats ten years old. Isnt there a hipper, morewithit militant fundamentalist islamic terrorist threat for todays generation . Islamic extremists known as isis. Jon oh. [laughter] first rule of evil, try now to have your acronym remind people of 70s live action Childrens Television shows. [applause] yes, im taking over your town. From now on everyone reports to me captain kangaroo. Doesnt work. Listen, obviously all we seem to know about this group right now is they do incredibly evil [bleeped]. They are terrible people. But who are they . Emerging from the chaos next door in syria, the extremists call themselves isis for the Islamic State of iraq and syria. Jon pretentious. [laughter] what else do we know . Isis