Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140905 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show. So listen, there are very few people in my business that you could say are or were actually groundbreaking talents. Joan rivers was one of them. Unfortunately shes passed away. We send our very best out to her family. Were all thinking of you. Anyway, here it is, your moment of zen. A girl cant call. Girl, you have the wait for the phone to ring, right. And when you finally go on the date, the girl has to be well dressed. Her face has the look nice. Their hair has to be in shape. The girl has to be the one thats bright and pretty, intelligent, a good sport. Howard johnsons again, hooray, hooray. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw stephen tonight, i take a look at the mid term elections. Little known fact theyre happening this year. laughter then a new threat in the war on terror. But i havent finished cleaning my pants from the last threat laughter and my guest Doris Kearns Goodwin has written a book about the relationship between Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard taft, soon to be a film starring james franco and seth rogen. laughter authorities in california are searching for a dangerous escaped albino cobra. Though, to be safe, police have arrested seven black cobras. laughter this is the colbert report. Welcome to the report. cheers and applaus captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause stephen welcome thank you for joining us, folks i hope everyone at home can hear the precision of that chanting. That is what we call in the pundit business the metro no, maam of love cheers and applause folks, far too often, i sit at this desk and yell into that camera as the epitome of an angry american. You deserve more than that. So tonight, i am the epitome of an angry Irish Catholic american. cheering tell em why, jim. Organizers of the annual st. Patricks day parade here in new york, the largest in the world, say they will now allow gays to march next year under their own banner for the first time. In the past, groups had been prohibited from marching with banners identifying them as gay. Stephen gays in the st. Patricks day parade we irish shoulda seen this coming. First they stole our rainbows. Next theyll be coming after me lucky charms cheers and applause im not only a proud Irish Catholic, im as straight as they come. I even made sure the blarney stone wasnt a dude before i kissed it. laughter and, at first, i liked the idea of making gays march with a banner identifying themselves. laughter but luckily, before i became too okay with it, fox news told me i was outraged. The Catholic Community up in arms over gay groups being allowed in this years st. Patricks day parade. Theres an outcry from the Catholic Community this morning. There is outrage this morning from some catholic leaders because a gay group will march in the st. Patricks valen uh st. Patricks day parade. Stephen see . Steve doocys so mad, he cant even say a coherent sentence on camera. laughter applause hes clearly been furious about this for years and remember, this is catholic and remember, they said catholic leaders. He probably means bill donohue, head of the ultraconservative Catholic League, who said there was no controversy. laughter okay. That outrage was more nuanced than i expected, but hes not an official leader of the church. You know, Cardinal Timothy dolans got his chausable in a bunch. Bless em a new one, timmy i think the decision theyve made is a wise one. I have no trouble with the decision at all. Stephen huh i guess hes so angry he forgot to be mad. laughter okay. Well, i suppose youre in, gays. But we catholics have one firm demand. The Catholic League says it hopes new entries to the parade will conduct themselves in a manner that still honors st. Patrick. Stephen you listening, gays . This isnt one of your degenerate pride parades. Keep it dignified. You know, like this guys yelling st. Paddys day, a day to get bleep trashed. Stephen ahh, i love riverdance laughter folks, its officially fall, which means we are in the homestretch to the 2014 mid term elections, and i am bursting with midthusiasm. laughter in just 62 days, americans nationwide will wake up and say, dammit. I forgot to vote yesterday. laughter so tonight, we celebrate the launch of our coverage by bringing out the u. S. S. Democracy 2014 and christening her with a bottle of champagne. cheers and applause though america be rocked by troubled waters, she is yet sturdy and proud. Long may she sail cheers and applause chanting u. S. A. stephen thank you. Its time for the colbert report midterm roundup yeehaw cheers and applause stephen as always, a hearty thanks to my good friend steve carell for letting us reuse that footage without his knowledge or consent. First up, folks, this is the most important midterm in midmemory, and not just because i cant remember the last one. And you can tell the democrats are running scared because theyve begun activating their base. The lady voters. Just look at cosmo, which announced they will be covering the midterm elections with a new effort that will include candidate endorsements in an attempt to get readers to the polls and be part of the party of the year. I just hope cosmos election advice is just as misguided as their sex advice enter the booth, wrap one leg behind your head, rub some hot sauce on the lever and then. whistle pinky up his butt. cheering now, this is clearly going to increase voter turnout, so ive got some cosmo advice of my own. Hello, ladies. I know you are being encouraged to become politically engaged, but let me tell you, girlfriend, those curtains dont look good on anyone. Its basically like wearing a booth muumuu. Plus, all anyones gonna be looking at your calves. What if you have cankles . And if you dont know whether you have cankles cheering dont vote. Which brings me to the first race you should not vote in the house race in georgias tenth district, where rightwing pastor and radio host jody hice has all but guaranteed a win by building a Diverse Coalition of people he doesnt want in his coalition. So far, hes compared being gay to alcoholism, drug addiction, tendencies to lie and to be violent, he has said a woman can enter politics as long as shes within the authority of her husband, and said muslims dont deserve First Amendment rights. audience reacts i agree. Muslims do not deserve freedom of speech. They would just use it to offend women and gay people, and hice already has that covered. And jody hice knows a thing or two about the constitution, and he isnt afraid to tell you about it while holding a scroll in a foyer. When our founders convened at the Constitutional Convention in philadelphia in 1787, they crafted, i believe with gods help, the most brilliant governing document in the history of humanity. Stephen thats right. The founders got their ideas directly from god. laughter i believe it was yawheh who wrote Thomas Jeffersons famous line, i loves me some brown sugar cheering but now hice is under attack by the buzzkills at buzzfeed who have discovered that many of the inspirational quotes from Founding Fathers on his Facebook Page are fake. For example, hices page says jefferson wrote, that government is best which governs the least because its people discipline themselves, even though it was actually henry david thoreau, who lived alone at walden pond, so im sure he engaged in furious selfdiscipline. And hice also attributed the inspirational quote if your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader to John Quincy Adams, although its actually from dolly parton. laughter its easy to mistake those two, especially after John Quincy Adams got those implants. laughter hice has used so many misattributions that buzzfeed found eight examples of the fraudulent quotes before they stopped looking. laughter wow. Theres your headline buzzfeed stopped looking for examples of something . That raise as troubling question could there also be more than 13 potatoes that look like Channing Tatum . laughter nation, i like what hice is doing on facebook, and not just because liking is the only option on facebook. Those quotes may not have come from our Founding Fathers, but does it really matter . Its like George Washington said at valley forge, close enough for jazz. Vote hice 2014. cheers and applause well be right back. When delta bath. G . Shower. Toilet. And faucet innovations. Make getting clean. Just as beautiful as getting dirty, thats. Happimess. See what delta can do. Oh, hi, cortana. You look. Nice. [ cortana ] thanks. This is the new htc one m8 for windows. Sleek. But, im more than just a pretty face. Me, too. I can check your calendar, then traffic to help you make your manipedi on time. And you sound great too. Well, i have two speakers for music. Oh. I only have one. Really . Yes. And im sitting on it. Yes. And im sitting on it. I had it with me the nighteen in our i won the heartrations. Of your grandmother. Wait. That was chrissy redfearn, dont tell nana. It even saved my life from a nail gun in the great construction riots. And now, i want you to ha. Never mind. No dollar is safe. The new dollar cravings menu. 11 crave able creations each for a dollar. [sfx] bong stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause nation, there are so many awful stories in the news right now, and with chaos and violence raging in every corner of the globe, it makes you wonder, whatever happened to al quaida . laughter today, we got an answer. Breaking overnight, a new video from the leader of al quaida. According to the video announcement, al quaida is vowing to bring islamic law to india. The head of al quaida says hes opening a new branch in india. Stephen yes, al quaidas opening a franchise in india. laughter theyre like starbucks, only with less ambitious plans for global domination. laughter the announcement came from longtime al quaida leader and jihadi smurf ayman alzawahiri, who released a video calling on muslims across the indian subcontinent to join the caravan of jihad. That caravan is easy to spot just look for the trucks with 72 virgins on the mudflaps. laughter look, i get why al quaida is outsourcing to india theyre a global terror organization. They have their one true prophet margins to think about, and they have been running on a shoestring budget for so long, theyve never even had a christmas party. laughter but i think i know whats really going on here. I think theyre trying to reclaim some mantel of leadership here. I. S. I. S. Was kicked out for being too brutal, and theyve sort of taken the world stage, and everyones talking about them and no ones talking about al quaida, so this is probably at least part an attempt to regain some notoriety. Stephen ooh ooh, someones jealous of i. S. I. S. theyre the mysterious new kid in town and everyones talking about him. Just like kevin bacon in footloose. Only i. S. I. S. Wants to outlaw dancing and bacon. laughter i. S. I. S. Is the it jihady group right now. Theyve got an entire caliphate, while all of aymans guys are still doing monkey bars. Thats not a longterm plan what if you take over a city without a jungle gym . How will you get around . Worse, i. S. I. S. Has taken the lead in the arena most associated with the oppressive seventhcentury ideologies, youtube. We all remember those grainy amateurish videos that bin laden made that looked like it was set up by somebody who didnt know what they were doing in longwinded arabic that nobody in the west could understand. Now we have i. S. I. S. On twitter, on instagram, on whats app, they produce slick videos. Theyre highly produced, theyve got music, graphics, all sorts of things put into the screen that are sophisticated and technical. Theyve got young techsavvy guys doing it. Stephen yes, i. S. I. S. Is cranking out more viral hits than funny or die. laughter minus the first part. laughter meanwhile, al quaidas still mailing out betamax tapes of grandpa killemall droning on about a fatwa on pudding skin and death to whoever canceled matlock laughter yes yes the terrorists have won well be right back. cheers and applause the ats is more than a validation of your achievements. Its a powerful reflection of your drive to succeed. So, forget the gold watch; grab the brass ring. You dont need anyone to tell you that success is yours, because youre busy. Seizing it. Drafting it. Tuning it. Making it. The new 2015 cadillac ats. The bhersheys smores, together is hothe unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. Everybody dance lose yourself in wild romance were going to party karamu fiesta forever bud light lime ritas my guest tonight is a pulitzer prizewinning president ial historian whose book is the bully pulpit. Ill introduce her to the bully pundit. Please welcome Doris Kearns Goodwin cheers and applause doris, good to see you again. Always a pleasure. A world renown historian and pulitzer prizewinning author. Your most recent book is the boobully pulpit. Also in ken burns new 14hour documentary about the roosevelts, okay . cheers and applause okay. Youre going to tease me about something, i have a feeling. Stephen im going to interview you, all right . laughter you get to interview people, now the tables have turned. You cant tell because its a round table. laughter all right. Why, today, should we care about Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard taft . What does their story have to do with us today . Theyre coming from a time where there were very, very rich people who controlled politics, and lots of people who didnt have a lot of po power and whose Worker Rights were being taken away. What does that say to us . Nothing laughter no, think about it. Theres a gap between the rich and poor, people working 12 hours a day, unsanitary meatpacking plants and my guy teddy takes it on. He realizes the rich wont stay rich. There will be socialists and anarchists. Stephen he was rich. He was. Stephen why would he turn on his own class like that . Because he realized if he didnt do something to softton industrial order, the whole thing would fall apart. Stephen he was frightened of the poor people with pitch forks. He was frightened of the rich people that they would take everything over and knew for the sake of the country the rock of class hatred would be the worst thing that could happen to the country. So he wanted a square deal, not a round table, a square deal, and it was great. cheers and applause stephen okay. Speaking of bloated rich people, William Howard taft. All right . laughter Teddy Roosevelt did a few things gave us national parks, right, like yellow stone, yosemite, that kind of stuff. What did taf do i should ever care about. He was for making the rich pay, if they did something unethical, they should have a fine, be put in jail. Poor people, if they didnt work, thats a problem, but give them a chance, give them an education. Stephen they were republicans, right . They were. Today, conservatives would say theyre republicans in name only. Rhinos, right . laughter stephen they also call this the golden age of journalism. You mean like hirsch who singlehandedly started the spanish war and went up the hill. He was, but there are other people i love. What they do is investigative reporting that really exposes whats wrong with the country. The country gets excited, push the old guard in congress to do something, they mobilize action. Stephen congress does something . Congress finally does something cheers and applause stephen were talking about massive 50,000 word articles. And people read them and talk about them and Push Congress and say youve got to act. Stephen why would they read a 50,000 word article . Couldnt they just click on the 13 potatoes that look like laughter you know i spend my show trying to make the world a better place. Yes. Stephen and i realize this is probably the last time youre on the show and i ive apologized to you before. I know. My picture is up there and you Say Something sexual laughter stephen i dont remember that you do say, my apologize to Doris Kearns Goodwin. Stephen is it accepted . Ill miss it if you dont keep doing it. Stephen ill call you up and apologize. Since you are the preimminent historian of our time, i ask you the question i want to ask you from the beginning huhoh. Stephen george w. Bush, great president. Or the greatest president . cheers and applause i remember one other time i was on and you said, why couldnt Abraham Lincoln unify the country the way george w. Bush has done . And i said, he did unify the country, what are you talking about . And you said, maam, im from south carolina, he didnt unify me. laughter stephen great or greatest . I only have those two. To get graded by a computer, i have to put one of those. I take the fifth amendment. Stephen all right. All right. Ill see you in guantanamo. laughter doris, thank you so much Doris Kearns Goodwin Doris Kearns Goodwin cheers and applause when cold refreshment calls. Coors light answers. Anybody else frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. This Silver Dollar has been in and now, i want you to ha. Never mind. No dollar is safe. The new dollar cravings menu. Crave able creations ch for a dollar. [sfx] bong dont just dream of being the hero. Make it happen. I cant believe were missing the game for this. Were not ive got xlte. It doubles our 4g lte bandwidth in cities nationwide, so be that guy with verizon xlte. Now get 1gb of bonus data, and our best pricing ever on the more everything plan. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on youtube today. Tonight marks the opening of the 2014 nfl season, yes the an newell tradition of fathers ignoring their children and wives, ignoring their husbands weekly problem drinking. To celebrate i will be in there when