Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140915 : vimarsana.

Ill be with you in just one minute. I just need one second here. Im still trying to load the iphone 6 announcement, so i can find out why i suddenly hate this iphone 5 im watching it on. laughter wow, 7. 1 millimeters. I wonder how many that is . laughter of course, the iphone 6 wasnt the big surprise. Many people predicted 6 would come after 5. laughter i am so excited and i am so proud to share it with you this morning. It is the next chapter in apples story. laughter stephen woo woo woo woo woo cheers and applause woo cheers and applause what does it do . laughter gotta have the apple watch its finally cool to wear calculator watch whos the nerd, now, ben mcgooken . i mean, this thing will change the way you rook at your wrist. But dont take my hype for it. Take theirs. Weve invented new, intimate ways to communicate directly from your wrist. Stephen i thought i knew all the intimate ways to wristcommunicate. Whats left . Wrist in butt . I dont know. laughter and folks laughter tragically, the apple watch is not available till 2015, whenever that is, i dont know, because i dont have an apple watch laughter but i did manage to get my hands on an even more cutting edge product from an apple insider. Well, an outsider. He was in the ally behind the apple store. Say hello to the new wrist pad laughter there it is. Its exclusive. Look at that yeah applause the screen size is much better than the apple watch. Lets see, what time is it . 11 04 is that right . Yes, it is. This thing is gonna be huge. Get out the iscissors there we go. laughter and, mmhmm you can use this to give yourself an ibrazilian. laughter all right. Mmhmm, mmhmm. All right. laughter nation, the midterms are almost here. cheers and applause folks, the midterms are almost here, and remember they count for 30 of your grade. And im confident that republicans are going to be kicking ass and taking seats because theyve got a message that appeals to all americans, if you dont count 51 of them. An exclusive report states a study ordered by two republican groups found that female voters feel the party is stuck in the past. They also said the g. O. P. Was intolerant and lacked compassion. Nearly 50 of women had an unfavorable view of the Republican Party. The Republican Party is in worse shape with women now than it was in 2010. Why do you think that is . Im not sure. In spite of all this chatter, were going to have a great year. Stephen yep, great year. Super good. What were you saying . I couldnt hear you with all the chatter about how women hate us. Okay, so republicans are having some lady problems. And they cant fix them the way you normally do, by drinking alone in the den with billy joels big shot cranked all the way up. singing now you had to be a big shot, didnt ya you had to prove it to the crowd applause you had to have the last word laughter but, because none of this is going to make it into the show audience reacts but theres hope for the g. O. P. In the latest installment of Stephen Colberts mid term roundup. Yeehaw once again, my thanks to steve carell for flying in to do that live. Thank you, steve youre a good man. First up, im a longtime fan of of former massachusetts senator and understudy in the mitt romney musical, scott brown. In 2010, he swept into office with an inspiring message for america im scott brown. Im from wrentham. I drive a truck stephen it was the most exciting senate run of man and truck since senator prime. Now brown is running for senate again in the heart of massachusetts. New hampshire. Against incumbent democrat and dr. Seuss tribute name jeanne shaheen. Unfortunately, brown is losing the women vote to shaheen by 39 to 53 . Havent the ladies of New Hampshire seen his old cosmo photospread . He should have an easy path to the senate. Just follow the treasure trail. But scott brown has a new plan to win female voters give them the women for scott brown hero award seen here being given to New Hampshire businesswoman janice leahy. Brown commemorated the occasion in a press release, saying im pleased to award janice with a hero award to celebrate her determination to maintain a business despite government red tape and burdensome regulations. It is very troubling to listen to janets story. The most troubling thing about janets story . Her name is janice. laughter but thats not scott browns fault. Hows he supposed to remember her name . Its not like they went to the trouble to put it on the plaque. An extra 2 cents a letter. Jane here was clearly moved by the honor. As she told the magazine, she was left confused and embarrassed by the whole episode, but im sure janine will remember this great honor come election day. Scott has already inspired me to recognize the hard working business gals of my staff. Come on out here, abby abby, everybody. Give it up cheers and applause stephen now thank you. Abby its ariel. Stephen im sorry, what . Its ariel. Stephen thats not what it says on the press release. I was told you asked for a meeting with me . Well, yes, but i didnt mean on the show. Stephen this is the only free time ive got. I was in meetings all day with level 35 of candy crush. Whats up . Okay. Well, i found out that jeremy is making more money than i am, even though we do the exact same job. audience reacts stephen that is a serious accusation. Who gave you that confidential information about your salaries . Im the accountant. Stephen well, im sorry, avery. Im with scott brown. We cant have burdensome regulation on small business. I should know, this program is registered as a familyrun drycleaner, so i can deduct my bar bill as chemical solvents. But it took a lot of girlballs for you to come here today, amber. And to reward that enterprising spirit, i am proud to announce that you are the first ever winner of the women for Stephen Colbert female lady achiever, no penis . No problem award. cheers and applause just smile for the camera and thank me for all ive done for women. Youve done nothing for women. Stephen thats not what it says on my scott brown memorial youve just done something for women award. Well be right back. cheers and applause door bell rings trick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm digiorno . Or delivery . Taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, freshbaked pizza, is your oven. Thankfully, its not delivery. Its digiorno. Lets show em what a breakfast with whole grain fiber can do. One coffee with room, one large mocha latte, medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, two espressos. Make one a double. Shes full and focused. [ barista ] i have two cappuccinos, one coffee with room, one large mocha latte, a medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, and two espressos one with a double shot. Heh, heh. Thats not the coffee talkin. [ female announcer ] start your day with kelloggs frosted mini wheats cereal. With whole wheat goodness on one side and a hint of sweetness on the other, its a delicious way to get the nutrition you want. Hardcore fitness based on 19th century farming practices. Pick it pick it pick it pull the plow son this is not a one man joobbb [ male announcer ] however you stay fit start with delicious low fat sandwiches like the subway club. Subway. Eat fresh. Right here. With a control pad that can read your handwriting, a widescreen multimedia center, and a headup display for enhanced driver focus. All inside a newly redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. The allnew cclass. At the very touch point of performance and innovation. At the very touch point of performance and innovation. At devry university, a Business Career was my goal. My professors guidance, helped me find career success. At microsoft get started now, with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Classes start october 27. Visit devry. Edu in all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. And this is how we tailgate. This is your team. This is the play. And this is what is on the menu. Because with 20 piece chicken mcnuggets for 5 bucks, good sportsmanship is easy. Thats a victory for your mouth. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thank you so much thank you cheers and applause nation, the news right now is a little depressing, but when times are tough, americas small towns show us how folks make do with what theyve got. This is hometown herotown. trumpet sound tonights tiny town that could detroit. Motown has fallen on hard times lately youve probably heard about it on the news, or if youre a local, from the traveling meattraders who scavenge carcasses from the shoulder of the highway. Right now, detroit is mired in the largest municipal bankruptcy in american history. The city manager estimates the total debt is likely to be between 18 billion and 20 billion. The figure is a little vague, since repomen took the citys calculator. laughter but when the going gets tough, the hometown gets hero, and nobody knows that better than detroits Fire Department which, contrary to popular belief, does not start fires. laughter these hard working middleamericans turned their lackoflemons into a lackoflemonade. Jim . Detroit gets about 11,000 fires in any given year. But how it gets those calls may surprise you. The city has no modernday computerized system for getting Emergency Alert. In fire stations all across detroit, firefighters place a pop can filled with coins or screws on top of a fax machine. When an Emergency Alert comes through, the paper knocks down the pop can, the clanking noise means theres an emergency. When a run comes over the printer, it comes out, hits our faygo can. clanks and we get an alert. Stephen thats right, the alarm at many yes, give it up applause can do thats right, the alarm at many detroit fire stations is a faygo can full of screws which is, incidentally, the healthiest flavor of faygo. laughter well done, thrifty detroit firefighters, for showing you dont need the bells and whistles of actual bells and whistles. laughter this wobbly can system is foolproof, provided no one ever bumps the table. And this security innovation is no surprise. After all, detroit is the town that brought us robo cop, which, with todays budget, looks more like this. Dead or alive, youre coming with me drop i it stephen folks, when i see this jerryrigged alarm system, its clear these brave men and Women Deserve more. Chances to make do with less. Theres still plenty of fat to be trimmed. For example, right now emergency calls go to a central dispatcher who faxes it to the fire stations. Why bother with dispatchers when homeowners can fax the station directly . If theres a fire, just remember the old saying stop, drop and roll over to your canon l. C. 2050 laserclass fax machine, then load paper in the tray, place your document textside down into the feeder, dial your local fire station and hit send. Oh and make sure you add a cover letter with the subject header fire laughter applause so bravo to detroits firefighters who solved their lack of an alarm with their cando spirit by saying lets have a cando it. laughter well be right back. [ male announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches have the protein and fuel to fire you up. Hot pockets got protein to pleeease hey pinata i got energyyy from premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. My hot pockets so i get invited to quite a few family gatherings. Heck, i saved judith here a fortune with discounts like safe driver, multicar, paperless. You make a mighty fine missus, mlady. Im not saying marks thrifty. Lets just say, i saved him 519, and it certainly didnt go toward that ring. Am i right . [ laughs ] [ dance music playing ] so visit progressive. Com today. I call this one the robox. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. The all new, head turning cadillac ats coupe. Its irresistible. Hey, jennar fuzz mike trooawwwwww scram g. Im crust mike jubby roll bond chow gonna lean up an kiss bet. Peas charty get town down. [laughter] borf a liver tute face stummy wag pow pam shabeeps stella nerf berms. Saxanay nay . Badumps a head. Temexiss gurrin. Juppa left. Fluppa jown brone a brood. What . Catch up on what everyones talking about with the x1 entertainment operating system. Preloaded with the latest episodes of the top 100 shows. Only from xfinity. cheers and applause stephen my guest tonight is an acclaimed actor, and im dying to find out how he met my mom. Please welcome jason segel cheers and applause hey, jason nice to meet you nice to have you on thank you stephen now, youre an awardwinning actor. I dont think i ever won an award. Stephen it says youre an awardwinning actor. No. Stephen i have been keeping track of you nine years. Youve never had a kelly or a satellite or anything like that . No. Stephen you want one . Sure. Stephen there you go, here you can have this one applause hand me some of that scott brown bleep thank you. Stephen anytime. Tv star . Yeah. Stephen movie star, musician. Yeah. Stephen and you youve got a book here. Yeah. Stephen its called nightmares. Yeah. Stephen cheers and applause stephen youre a quadruple threat at this point. Yeah. Stephen isnt it a little late in your career to vie with james franco for most wellrounded alum . Yeah yeah, laughter stephen you ever call him and say, im coming for you with a book, bleep im trying to focus. Stephen really . My whole career, i have been walking the line between childlike wonder and incredibly creepy. Stephen this seems like both cheers and applause stephen mom, ive met a wonderful guy, his name is jason, he has childlike wonder and is incredibly creepy laughter yeah. So i wrote the muppet movie. Stephen yeah. Thats incredibly cool because theres a context now. But prior to that, i was just a grown man who lived with puppets in his house. Stephen jason, when everyone was gone, did they talk to you . laughter whatever stephen so whats it about . A kid whose mother passes away. Stephen its a sad story. He has a sad life at the beginning. Thats how he perceives it. His father gets remarried. When he does, the kid starts having terrible nightmares about witches eating his toes, which is a recurring nightmare i had growing up. Stephen honest to god, you dreamt witches were eating your toes . I dreamt every Night Witches were eating my toes. Stephen i would dream every night there was a skeleton and then when i woke up i would still think there was a skeleton. Right. Stephen and then i had to touch fleshy humans to know i wasnt. Wow stephen can you imagine waking up to that . A little boy touching you in your sleep so your skin would go around my bones and i wouldnt be a sceltsen anymore laughter yeah. Dont you think thats why we ended up here . Stephen youre in comedy and im in news . laughter well, it it takes a slight delusion, ive always felt, to believe what i have to say people think is worth sitting there and paying money to sit and listen to. Stephen seems natural to me. Me, too, but doesnt seem natural to everybody else. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen no, everybody shut up, im talking laughter i have a question, this is for a friend. Okay. Stephen you just finished a nineyear run. Yes. Stephen of a television show. Yes. Stephen again, this is for a friend. How would you recommend my friend approach ending this show that my friend does thats been on for nine years. Yeah. Stephen is it hard ending a show offa nine years where its your life, your family . Yeah, its a tricky thing. Now is when we would be going back to the show. Now is the trickiest time. Ive never take an vacation before because ive done a movie every stephen because youre employed as an actor. Not having a job in los angeles, its just one continuous vacation laughter i dont understand. Stephen i dont understand, either. So i went to europe for the first time, and the show, as it turns out, is is incredibly popular overseas. Like, people love how i met your mother, which i was not aware of. So people would be, like, hey, marshall hey, marshall i hate to bother you but are you marshall . Turns out they dub my voice the, like, a loveable oaf, and they dub me with people even stupider sounding than me. Stephen so you come off as intelligent. Everyones, like, youre so smart laughter stephen wow and im, like, which way to the museum . Oh, youre so smart laughter stephen asking which way to the museum makes you seem smart . Hes a genius stephen i havent finished the series, yet. Okay. Stephen are you my mother . laughter if i say yes, do i get to experience your weird fleshy touch . Stephen yes. Then yes stephen ladies and gentlemen, jason segel, nightmares well be right back how do they make starburst taste so juicy . They import intense juiciness from the land of intensity. Get this intense juiciness to starburst you know i will have a pleasant day thank you get back to work [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Thank you get back to work you fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance. Uld save yeah, Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast . You got to know when to holdem. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. You never count your money, when youre sitting at the ta. What . You get it . I get the gist, yeah. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent more on car insurance. Right here. With a control pad that can read your handwriting, a widescreen multimedia center, and a headup display for enhanced driver focus. All inside a newly redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. The allnew cclass. At the very touch point of performance and innovation. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody before we go, jason, you were not aware youve won any awards, correct . Correct. Stephen youve won a lot of awards. Didnt say they were good awards. Top box office films, Television Music awards, broadcast film upcritics, critics choice award, chicago film critics. Lifetime achievement awards, 34 of them. The christopher awards, the Denver Film Critics Society awards hastings theatrical, harvard yeah. Stephen and tonight youre getting the scott brown memorial youve just done something for women award cheers and applause good night cheers and applause an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of south park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy. Who is Eric Cartmans father . At the end of tonights episode, you will know the answer. Im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine and, now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room. Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life. Oh. Hey, kenny. Gentlemen, the father is. Mr. Garrison hey what the hells going on . jimbo its a power outage [ gunshots, glass shatters, thud ] is everybody okay . That sounded like a gunshot oh, my god look mrph rmhmhm rm you bastards mephistos been shot is he. Dead . Hey, this window is shot out, too. That means the killer was not somebody in this room. Then, who was it . Who shot mephisto . Was it the School Counselor . Or was it ms. Crabtree . Or was it hey wait a minute i didnt find out who my father was or was it ms. Broflovski . Wait hes still breathing hes not dead damn it, whos my father . we have to get him to the hospital. Youve got to be kidding me come on, children. [ sighs ] oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him, going through all this. [ sighs ] theres a murderer free in south park we have to find out who it is before they kill again yeah, god only knows who theyll kill next. Who will they kill next . Will it be jimbo . Barbrady . The Denver Broncos . Is he awake yet . Hes bleeding pretty bad. Dont let him bleed on my meredith baxterbirney memorial towel whats a meredith baxterbirney memorial towel . I actually was with meredith baxterbirney in this very car. And afterwards, we used that towel to wait a minute. Why am i telling you this . Could you pull over so i can get out . What . We have to get to the hospital. Im not gonna make it. I cant stand hospitals. Sorry, stan. We just got to drop mephisto off, and then we can get out of there. Man, its really starting to snow. I hope they dont close the roads. They cant mephisto cant die maybe its better you dont know who your father is. No way, dude. I cant stand to leave things unfinished. Its like when you hear the first part of that song come sail away by styx. If i hear the first part of that song, i have to finish it. Really . Yeah, i cant do anything till its done. Im sailing away no dont set an open course for the virgin sea for ive got to be free free to face the life thats ahead of me on board im the captain, so climb aboard well search for tomorrow on every shore and ill try, oh, lord, ill try to carry on [ babbling ] gathering of angels appeared above my head they sang to us this song of hope and this is what they said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me i thought that they were angels, but to my surprise we climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me come sail away, come sail away come sail away with me [ breathing heavily ] whoa, dude jimbo what are we gonna do, mayor . This killer is on the loose we cant even leave our homes for fear of our childrens safety uh, where are our children . Officer barbrady, lets pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town. What would he do . Hmm. Thats a good question, mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking mayor mayor [ gasps ] the press is here. My name is sid greenfield. Im the director from los angeles for americas most wanted. You certainly made it up here quickly. Were desperate for stories. Aand this one is so compelling really . Sure this story has everything People Furniture talking iits a real american story. Hey, i thought of something