Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140922 : vimarsana.

In lady news. For starters. The First Time Since 29008 Campaign Hillary clinton was in iowa to announce that she was thinking about leaning towards maybe running. And of course, you know, you know the clinton machine, they announced it perfectly. Im back stephen yes, hillarys back and i think there is no better way to launch a campaign than with a catchphrase from a 199 movie. Im back stephen thank you for your service, randy cade. Let it not be forgotten. That was almost as good as when bill clinton launched his 92 campaign with a catch phrase from a 1986 movie. I [bleep] anything that moves cheers and applause stephen thank you for your service. Of course, while theres a lot of talk that hillary could be our first female president , this past weekend we once again elected a Strong Female leader. Welcome to the 2015 miss america competition. Jon . Stephen yes, miss america that one magical night a year Atlantic City shows the world just how close you can come to turning a profit. The ladies were lucky. The hair was lovely, the teeth were high and firm. But the highlight of the night was the popup delivering fact doesoids about the contestants. Miss virginia was terrified of frogs. Miss massachusetts was attacked by a cheetah in zambia. Miss florida slapped a shark as a kid. Shark slapping. My god, when did that become a talent. She could have won it though. And this years winner was miss new york. Seen her, i believe seen here, i believe shes panhandling. Now again, the lovely miss new york, but for my money based on talent alone last nights winner was miss ohio. Supercalifragilisticexpiali docious. Supercalifragilisticexpiali docious supersuperdocious thank you, there is your miss america right there. The way she can sing a whole song without blinking . Thank you for your service, madame. Now folks, i have been steeped in the history of scotland ever since brave came out on itunes. Thank you for your service, merida. Thats why im riveted to all the news from the lands of kilts and hagis where this thursday citizens will rock 5 walk 500 miles an walk 500 more to folks, laughter ill take it. Theyre voting on their future. We are just 72 hours away from a once in a lifetime vote on scottish independence. Scotland will vote this week on whether to sever 100yearold ties with britain and become an independent nation. After 307 year its scotland could break a which from the rest of britain. Stephen thats right, scotland could actually secede. I didnt even know they ha had slaves. At issue is whether scotland will be able to control their own tax and Social Security rates and decisions about the level and allocation of public spending. This is an emotionally charged struggle which traces its roots to the days of william will as wallace. They may take a life but theyll never take our freedom to calculate pension benefits based on inflation or earnings, whichever is higher cheers and applause freedom and the stakes, and the stakes of our young scotland. A vote for separation would mean the near resignation of british Prime Minister David Cameron. Back in 2012 cameron agreed to the independence vote as a calculated gamble. And if he loses scotland hell have to make it up by winning india back at the crap table. Folks, any time people are and rely demanding something and i dont entirely understand why, im with them. As an Irish American i knew all too well, what its like to suffer under the boot of an indifferent monarchy. Answer my letters, prince. I would die for you. And it is looking good for the Pro Independence yes scotland campaign. The polls were running against secession until recently when 47 of those surveyed said yes to independence while 45 said no, while another 8 said something no one else outside of glass go could possibly understand. Im not saying the road to independence wont have a wee bump. For instance, scotland wants to keep using the british pound. But englands chancellor of the exchequer says no farthing way. Scotland walks away from the u. K. , it walks away from the pound. Stephen meaning the new country would have to revert to traditional scottish currency, slabs of peat moss stamped with Sean Connerys face. laughter but [bleep] but scotland is totally ready to rock out with its lock out. The scots jacked up with england shacked up back in 1706 after they went broke fridaying to con ol colonize panama. But after the last 32 years scotland has generated more tax per capita than the u. K. As a whole. So on their own they would be one of the worlds 20 wealthiest countries. Hi no idea they sold that much adhesive tape so i stand with my secessionist brothers. Today i Stephen Colbert in a proud scotsman ich bin ein edinburgher. cheers and applause now and now cheers and applause stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen laughter cheers and applause within scotlands road to independence is sure to be a breeze. Here to tell me just how breezy its going to be is assistant u. S. Editor of the Guardian Matt wells. Matt, thanks so much for being here. Matt, guardian, englands newspaper. Do you think that scotland should secede. Yes, i think scotland should succeed and secede. Stephen whats the difference . Look, the union has lasted 307 years. And for much of that time its britain and scotland very well indeed. But the ties that band the union together things like the british empire, the british statehood that went with a century of fighting two world wars, they have faded now. And the institutions have released them and feel distant and discredited. Stephen will it be good for everybody . For them to secede . Yeah. Stephen is that going to be positive for scotland and england . It will be very good for scotland. And i dont think it will be bad for england. As the gdp of scotland is per capita 2,300 pounds greater than it is in england. Stephen is that in metric because i dont convert. Yes. Stephen what is that in inches. Scotland is a low population, resource rich country. We have a great resources. Very much untapped root resources. Stephen do you wish David Cameron harm . laughter no. I mean the guardian is a progressive leftist newspaper. Stephen you would like to stick a knife in him. You see chaos. Would this be chaos for the people in england. I think will be difficult. Stephen is that an english word for firebombing or Something Like that. Difficult, what does difficult mean in england. Frank lick it will be cataclysmic for them. Stephen you want this because it is a good story for you. It will be a great story. Stephen youre open to the ses session the same reason people watch nascar. David cameron. Stephen hoping that the car will just slam not wall. Youre cutting the brabling cables of scotland. David cameron based his reputation on saving the union. He was the one who granted the referendum in the first place it was his decision to make the slate yes or no question. Stephen why did he do that . Why did he do that. Massive political miscalculation which now looks as if it might backfire in his face. Stephen why did he do it . Because at the polls at the time suggested that only 30 of people in scotland supported independence. David cameron, what some people might say was political arrogance thought that he could easily win. That the it would be united against the upstart nationalists. They would be easily defeated. Stephen could the queen have done something to stop it . What if she had worn a different hat . Yes. Stephen or waved slightly differently or something. The role of the queen is really interesting and whether, an her views as well. Stephen where does she fall on this. She did intervene in the debate on sunday coming out of church near her estate in scotland where she spends the summer. She said to a well wisher who asked her what she thought of the referendum, overheard by the press she said that she thought that scots voting on thursday should think very carefully indeed about their future. Stephen oh my god. laughter stephen that is a smackdown from the queen. That is the equivalent of saying well, do you feel lucky, punk . Matt, thank you so much. Matt wells from the guardian. Well be right back. cheers and applause i love human women, so i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. 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But when youve got an entire company who knows that the fewest cancellations and the most ontime flights are nothing if we cant get your things there, too. Its no wonder more People Choose delta than any other airline. This jolly rancher. S for untamed fruit flavor. Dheers plaus. Stephen welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Nation, nation, folks, you know, i have always, ive said this before, i have always been suspicious of washington think tanks. Too much think, not enough tank. laughter but this week i learned that there is something even worse than being a tin stroking intellictu,nerd. The New York Times flup is now reports that more than a dozen prominent Washington Research groups, think tanks took tens of millions of dollars in Foreign Government money in recent years. Some Foreign Countries were essentially trying to buy influence, paying those think tanks to put their position in a positive light. Or to gain influence with lawmakers. Stephen yes, Foreign Governmenters are buying influence, but good news america has an export. And folks, the corruption by supposedly independent think tanks like the Brookings Institution goes deep. For instance, after qatar agreed to make a donation to brookings, a visiting fellow said he has been told during his Job Interview that he could not take positions critical of the qatari government. And his only accepted pronunciations of the country. Like cutter, gutter, cuhtar or quisnos. And arrd cording to the report japan gave 1. 1 million for research and consulting for trade and direct investments between japan and the united states. When asked why, a Japanese Embassy spokesman explained japan is not necessarily the most interesting subject around the world. Nothing interesting about japan. Take away the whaling, the sex robots and strapping meats to the heads of teenage girls other than that, its basically ohio. But the number one foreign influence buyer is, say it with me, norway. Why didnt you the damn norouies committed at least 24 million to an array of washington think tanks over the past four years to raise norways profile. Including donations to the center for global development, the Atlantic Council and the Brookings Institution. Which explains this footage. Some brooks recent symposium on eradicating global hunger. Im sorry, im being told that that chef is actually swedish. Which is apparently not the same thing as norwegian . Okay, my mistake. Norway should really do something to raise its profile. Well be right back [ male announcer ] welcome to no mans land. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. What does an apron have to do with Car Insurance . Every time you tie on an apron, you make progress. And we like that. Because progress is what we make, too. At devry university, a Business Career was my goal. My professors guidance, helped me find career success. At microsoft get started now, with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Classes start october 27. Visit devry. Edu stra. Ccia. Tel. La. Li. Mon. Cel. Lo. Cap. Pu. Ccin. O. Haagen dazs gelato. Even the names taste good. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight plays a guy og gyn on her sitcom the Mindy Project. Ill ask her where babies come from. Please welcome mindy kaling. Thank you very much. Hey, miss kaling, thank you so much for coming on. I am so glad we didnt wear the same skirt. All right, thanks for coming here. I am an enormous fan, my whole family is. We love watching the show, i dont think there is anything on tv like it and one of the things i like about the show thank you. Stephen youre welcome. We can compliment each other if you want to Say Something nice about me. I have never seen your legs before. Stephen what do you think . cheers and applause theyre very becoming. Stephen thank you very much. Thats very nice, a lovely dress youre wearing. Thank you. Stephen youre welcome. I think maybe we should stop now. Okay. Stephen you get a lot of props, okay, for for, you write this show. You produce this show. You star in this show. And youre a powerful woman making it happen for herself. Is that the language that i should use about you . Yeah, i love that. Stephen youre a sister doing it for herself. cheers and applause do you enjoy speaking for all women or for all people of color . laughter thats a great question. I do feel some responsibility that i like being, being able to do that. And i think people who have a really cool job like mine its lame to say you dont want to be a role model. But it can be a lot it can feel overwhelming at times too. Stephen you play an og gyn on this show. Yes. Stephen do you have any medical training . No, no. And thank god, no. Stephen did you always want to be a tv doctor or did you hope to grow up and be a tv lawyer or Something Like that . Did your parents want you to be an actress . They wanted to be able to brag about me to the people where they work. So. Stephen at what point could they do that . Because youre also, youre also emmy nominated actress, writer and eight years on the office, wrote 24 episodes and directed two of those. cheers and applause that was very nice, thanks. Stephen is that the Tipping Point for you . Does the parent brag Tipping Point . You know, i think when the office was on because they loved the show some of and they were obsessed with steve carell they got to come and be on the show as actors. Stephen thats incredible. Yeah, thats nepotism. Thats what like i i did that and so they. Jon jon stewart is my uncle. Thats how i got started. applause i love it. Yeah. Stephen now you got a little controversy lately. Because some people criticized you because you said that perhaps as an og gyn you dont do like the transvaginal trawl sounds on the show, you dont deal with the question of abortion on your show. Yeah. Stephen you said something very interesting. Well, i said that you know, my show is as much about gynecology as the office was about paper. And i think that a lot of women like look to me and look to the show as they want me to be a spokesperson for a lot of issues. And i actually think that that is a responsibility that i think is cool. Like i want to live up to that. At the same time, abortion is not a hilarious subject. And. Stephen a funny word. Its a funny word. Stephen like guacomole. laughter applause but i guess. Stephen i can understand. No, but i mean like i want to i want to be able to talk plainly about things but i also want to create an entertaining show. We havent found a hilarious take on abortion that is saying something new yet. But we might. Stephen without any spoilers, this year tell me what happens . laughter i mean, do you do you i understand this season gets a little sexy. It does. Stephen do you have a sexy time this year . I do. Theres a lot of my costar our characters start dating this year. And it was funny because when we first did it i used to have a revolving door of good looking boyfriends on the show. Stephen why wouldnt you. You are the executive producer, why wouldnt you do that. I mire high parents, actress to come on the show and make out with me. But i so this year were like oh, will it be boring, like ive never been married. So oh, is monogamy like a boring thing because youre just like with this and its not. Stephen no, its superexciting all the time. In our show laugh of laugh. Im going to take that at face value. Stephen honest to god t is. As it turns out the character is kind of a pervert and so is mine so its kind of funny and sexy. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen i think i might watch that. Okay. Stephen the new season starts tomorrow night. Tomorrow night. Stephen all right. Well, thank you for being here. And again, speaking for all women and people of color, i look forward to it. Thank you so much. Thank you. cheers and applause Stephen Mindy kaling, the Mindy Project airs tuesdays 9 30 on fox. Well be right back. Well be right back. Thank you so much. The lightest or nothing. The smartest or nothing. Well be right back. Thank you so much. The quietest or nothing. The sleekest. Sexiest,. Baddest,. Safest,. Tightest,. Quickest,. Harshest. Or nothing. At mercedesbenz, we do things one way or we dont do them at all. Introducing the allnew cclass. The best or nothing. On my journey across america, ive learned that when you ask someone in texas if they want big savings on Car Insurance, its a bit like asking if they want a big hat. scuse me. Or a big steak. Or big hair. I think we have our answer. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Hello. You can go ahead and have a nice flight. Re. Music plays music plays traveling can feel like one big mystery. Youre never quite sure what is coming your way. But when youve got an entire company who knows that the fewest cancellations and the most ontime flights are nothing if we cant get your things there, too. Its no wonder more People Choose delta than any other airline. Ina bite size new ways. To enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. New, york minis, get the sensation. Stephen s . s. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine i dont want to go to this stupid party come on, stan, youre gonna have a great time. No, you guys are gonna have a great time. Whenever theres a party, the adults get to have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels. Well, your mom and i dont get out much, so youll just have to bear through it. [ doorbell rings ] hello welcome mkay . This is already a wild party yeah, well, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him. Oh, thats okay. Ive got a special kids room down in the basement. Aw be sure to help yourself to the crab souffle and the Juanita Juanita we need some more finger sandwiches i dont want to hang out in the kids room. I wont know anybody itll be good for you to make new friends. You cant just hang out with your buddy kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny. I bet youll have a great time. Here we go. Its right in here. [ gasps ] [ Bernard Herrmanns psycho music plays ] well be upstairs if you need anything, stan. You cant leave me here. These guys are total melvins. Have fun, stanley mom, please, theyre the geekiest kids at school well come get you kids when the meteor shower starts. [ british accent ] cheerio, stan i do say, its quite a nicesurp. Shut up, pip. Hey, stan. Why, i sure am glad youre here cause then well have even more fun than we was havin before. We were having an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however. Butters, is there any way out of here . Nope, no way out. But there aint nothing upstairs but a ol stupid party, anyways. Its better down here in the kids room this here is dougie. Hes not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. Hes in first grade, i think. I like math. Oh, my god. We were just playing a game called wickershams n ducklers. Do you want to play . No. Im the head wickerknicker. And you are all little wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of stratford until i yell churrah and then you all fall down laughing, and i join you as i find it funny, too. Stan, would you be the wickersham of brumble briar . All right, here we go. Whippytippy tootoo, tra la la la whippytippy tootoo, tra la la la whippytippy tootoo, tra la la la great party, mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed principal victorias ass. No mr. Hat, you get back here anyone for some meteor mai tai punch . It packs quite a wallop. Oh, ill pass. I dont drink hard alcohol. Come on, loosen up meteor showers only come once in a great while. One little drink isnt gonna hurt anything, honey. Come on, live a little well, it is kind of a special night. I guess i could. Experiment. Yeah, experiment whippytippy tootoo, tra la la la wickersham, tallyho are you sure you dont want to play, stanley . Yes. What are you, a sourpuss . You really oughta play, stan. Its an awfully fun game. Ive never been to england, but ill bet the people there are real nice. Are people nice in england, pip . I bet they are. They got those thick noses and all. Hey, look at this what is it . Is it something neat . I wonder what it could be. With ladies clothes. Ed neato hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes . Why, we could play charlies angels. Oh, dude, youve got to be kidding me. Oh, yes lets can i be jaclyn smith . Can i . No, i get to be jaclyn smith. See, i thought of charlies angels. And i get to be jaclyn smith cause i thought of it. Oh, this sounds as fun as wickershams n ducklers. Come on, angels, lets get dressed. Which ladies garments would you like, stan . Dude, im not putting on ladies clothes, and im not playing charlies angels. You guys are melvins, and im not one of you. You go ahead and be melvins and leave me alone. Well. All righty, then. Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week. Wow, neat it looks quite inviting. Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub. Oh, mr. Mackey, you nut hell, we should get in yeah sure, go ahead. Its a party, isnt it, mkay . Oh, im not hottubbing. I have nothing to wear. [ laughs ] thats okay. No hot tub for me. Well, screw you guys im getting in for a while, too geronimo oh, look at our boys, sheila. Its just like theyre in college again. Okay, angels, whats our mission this week . Well, i dont know what our mission is. Do you know what our mission is . How should i know . Oh, dear. Were charlies angels, but we dont have a mission. Hey, thats because we need bosley. Bosley always told the angels what their mission was. Remember bosley . Why, we need somebody to be bosley. What