Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140925 : vimarsana.

Within thats our show. Here it is, your moment of zen. This is culd a keg stand apparently, i know nothing about how this works within i never heard of a keg stand. I never heard of a keg stand. I never did either, not to get off topic because i cheers and applause stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report good to have you with us good to have you cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. Folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night, i found the shofar to herald the arrival of Rosh Hashanah, the jewish new year, may 5775 be a year of happiness. laughter i still got it. laughter nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. Nice thing about a dead ram horn, it only it only gets dead ramier. And folks, im already enjoying the traditional Rosh Hashanah treat known among the jewish people and i hope im pronouncing this correctly, apples and chhoney. It expresses our hope for a sweet new year. And Rosh Hashanah Rosh Hashanah is just the beginning of the jewish high holiday fun. From now until yom kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as the days of repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuster, transformers 5 days of repentance. applause stephen the plot centers on optimus primes bar mitzvah and his most difficult transformation yet from boy into a manment and at the end he turns into a pen and pencil set. Traditionally this is a time to apologize to all those you have wronged. Now i do not follow this tradition because i am not jewish and i have never been wrong. laughter stephen but for the past nine years, ladies and gentlemen, i have given any of the chosen people who have wronged me a chance to seek my forgiveness by calling the atonephone. applause the atonephone at 18886677539 that is 1888oopsjew. laughter of course, of course, folks, maintaining one triple 8 oopsjew does not come cheap that is one more thing for to you feel guilty about. That is why every year we defray some of the costs by sharing our line with other businesses that happen to have names that can be spelled using the name telephone number. For instance, this year, when you call please press 2 if you want at tonephone. If you press 1, you will be connected to 1888morskids a club for young telegraph enthusiasts f you press 3, you reach 1888morpkx, a legal hotline dedicate odd to the ever increasing list of exwives of my dear friend pk winstrom. Jim . Absolutely. Youve reach, 18889morspkx where we say its not about the kid, its about the money. If this is brenda, press 1. If this is vanessa press 2. If this is other brenda, press 3. If this is janine, shh, i havent told the others about you yet. Stephen finally, folks, if you press 4, will you get onpr lady, a sex chat line featuring fresh airs terry gross. Jimmy . applause jimmy, give them a taste. Hello, youre on with onpr lady. This is terry. Oh what are you wearing . What am i wearing . A seamingly straightforward question. Yet perhaps no outward signifier of identity is more powerful than what one wears. Though it is considered a virtue to say that appearances dont matter, often i professed indifference say kind of costume but to answer your question, jeans and a cardigan, big boy. Oh, yeah. applause stephen i think i need a little fresh air. So folks, remember if 1888oopsjew, press 2 to get at tonephone. Operate certificate standing by. 11, 27, 49, far too often these are the winning numbers of our lottery tickets. But now insiders in the industry are saying even numbers may be making a comeback. laughter at tonephone. Weve got our first caller. Shalom, how have you wronged me . Hi, stephen, its endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy. Stephen endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy, jeff this is something of a surprise. I didnt know you were jewish. Well, thats just it, stephen, i converted last year. Stephen oh, okay, and you are racked with guilt because you betrayed both jesus and me . No, i feel bad because hi a bar mitzvah and i didnt invite you. Stephen oh thats okay, jeff. I just hope you and your real friends had fun. I was probably busy that night anyway. Im so sorry, stephen. Stephen dont worry about it, mazel tov on your bar missia and double stuff maz el on being forgiven by me. Thanks, stephen. Why dont you join us some friday for shbbat dinner. Next week is yom kippur, were fasting. Stephen oh, great, you can watch me eat. Bye. applause folks, as a patriot i have always believed that during a time of war we must all put aside our political differences, come together and rally around our commander in chief. But sometimes a president acts so recklessly that men of good conscience stand and say no more. Jim . Outrage this morning over president s salute with a coffee cup in his hand, some saying it is a latte salute. When he arrived yesterday on air force one in Lower Manhattan watch the instagram images from the white house. Yup, thats the president. Saluting with what looks like a styrofoam cup either with coffee or tea or whatever it is, nonetheless, he didnt switch hands. And people are fired up about this. Stephen oh, i am more than fired up about this. applause warning, warning, contents are hot. laughter stephen and before the ugly accusations start flying from the liberals this has nothing to do with the fact that the coffee was black. I am sick i am sick and tired applause stephen mi sick and tired of the race hustlers out there playing the starbucks gift card. Because obama wasnt even drinking coffee. The idea that im going to just sort of jaunt out there with my chai tea and give them the old, you know f not a latte salute t is a chai salute because he drinks chai tea. Stephen thank you, carl, thank you for that. Chai tea. applause i bet that tea had a spriing of arugala in there and was certified halal by an undocumented gay muslim barista. And to anyone who say os bamas coffee salute was an awkward accident rather than the manifestation of a twisted mind hellbent on disrespecting our armed forces, prepare to be educated. Look, obviously i dont think he said let me put the coffee in this hand and salute a marine. I think he was buttoning his jacket with one hand, he had a coffee and he just, obviously he wants to have iting ba. I dont think he intentionally did that, do you . I think when are you not intending to do something, you could be intending to do something. laughter applause stephen now, does that sound idiotic . Yes. Because she didnt intend it to. laughter 9 point is, not gretchen here was outraged. So she had no choice but to strike back with the most powerful puns in her arsenal. Have you seen this, president saluting with a coffee cup in his hand, was it a latte disrespect or a latte do about nothing. Send us your hashtag emails now. Stephen oh, i will send you my hashtag emails now. Miss log on hold on give me a second here. Power that thing up. Let me just lock on to hashtag emails. Com. Dear steve doocy, not gretchen, and brown haired guy who is not steve doocy. I believe the president s salute was a latte disrespect, it was unamericano, this is a mockary of our military, that should have us flying our flags as halfcaf. No sanka, you, sir, not in my maxwell house. It makes me very unflappy to see. We got to put that dopio on an espresso chain to cappuchina before its too cafe awe late. Thank you for letting me venti my anger, and hashtag email. cheers and applause cheers and applause well be right back. Life as i knew it would never be the same. Everything stopped. And i just said, im going to beat this. And thats when i found living beyond Breast Cancer. Purchase a specially marked bottle of pink lemonade 5hour energy and a portion of the proceeds will help provide survivors like me with a much needed community of support. Living beyond Breast Cancer is a lifeline for so many people. I just love being able to say that im living beyond Breast Cancer. In a world filled with fads, what did you get . No clue, but its jacked with protein. Wow its nice to get back to basics. W p3 portable protein ck from oscar mayer th 13g of rious protein. Its p3, its oscar mayer. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has been making americans laugh for five decades and he does an amazing bill cosby impression. Please welcome bill cosby. cheers and applause mr. Cosby, thank you so much. Pleasure to be here. Thank you so much. Really, i thank you so much for being here tonight, sir. Yes. Stephen not all of our guests look this nice. Not everyone has an insignia on their pocket. I really appreciate you putting some effort in. Betsy ross asked me if she wanted to if she could, do a flag. I aid no. I said no. Stephen you turned down betsy ross. Yes. Stephen so who did the flag . Betsy ross did the flag. Stephen right. Because George Washington heard that i turned her down. laughter stephen okay, okay. So. Stephen he pulled strings. She sewed strings. laughter stephen potato, potato sir. No, not the same. Tomato. Tomato, tomato, parade. laughter stephen are you going to be are you going to be in town for the tomato parade . Yes, sir, pomona. Give me these. laughter cheers and applause stephen now, sir i want to tell you something. Stephen i want to hear it. Its frightening. Stephen yes, whats frightening. Its frightening sitting here. Stephen why is it frightening, i am so happy you are here, i have been a lifelong fan of yours. Happy for you. Frightening for me. Stephen no need to be frightened. They brought me out here. Stephen yeah. And set me in the dark. And then you turned on some music and laughter stephen thats exactly what we did. Thats true. Exactly what we did. And i said oh boy, this is going to be like the funhouse. laughter where, did you ever go to the Amusement Park and they go in what they call the fun house . Stephen yeah, its not fun at all, its kind of scary. It is kind of scary . Stephen kind of scary. They have, somebody thought it was funny, and you walk in, in the dark, see first of all, anybody that does that, theres something wrong with you. Stephen who makes it or goes. Makes it. The person who makes it, something is wrong with them. They dont like little children. Because they had these things, i dont know, and there was rubber stuff. And nobody told you. And the first thing you do, you walk in and you just a kid, man. You trust old people. And they lead you, mr. Colbert, they lead me through this thing and things would all around, doing like that around my ankle. And. Stephen did they ever put out the bowl of grapes and say feel this, these are eyeballs or the bowl of spaghetti like these are human gut, did they do that kind of stuff . Well, let me explain something to you. laughter i was born to two people who had no money. Stephen uhhuh. I ate anything. Stephen so would you have eaten the eyeballs. Anybodys balls. laughter applause stephen in some countries, its a delicacy, a delicacy. Yes. An when youre poor, it can be a delicacy. As long as you give me a piece of bread, i can make it. Stephen so two balls on one piece of bread, thats an open face ball sandwich. laughter you are a legend. No, no, dont change the subject. Stephen im not changing the subject. Im not, i promise you, im not. I would never. I swear to god. Let go. Listen laughter what i want you to know is that you are carrying youre carrying me too fast. Stephen lets slow down. You have to go somewhere. Stephen very slow. Yeah, please, because we got to those ball sandwiches and i was enjoying that. Stephen lets linger. And then did you something to the ball sandwiches and i didnt want any more. laughter didnt want any more. Stephen i think theyre enjoying themselves. I think theyre coming along for the ride. I dont want it where they turn on you. laughter stephen no, no, are you okay . You guys okay . cheers and applause hold on one secretary, were going do a little commercial. A little one . Stephen any one, it will be so small. See, thats the one words that grownups use, i remember they always lie. laughter stephen they do. Grownups lie to children. This is going to be a little one. Stephen this house youre going go into, its going to be fun. Keep the lights on. Stephen well keep the lights on. Well be right back. Bacardi family. The fire of 1880 couldnt stop us. Nor did prohibition in the 1920s. Or exile from our home country in the 60s. The bacardi family didnt just survive, we thrived. Because true passion cant be tamed. On my journey across america, ive learned that when you ask someone in texas if they want big savings on car insurance, its a bit like asking if they want a big hat. scuse me. Or a big steak. Or big hair. I think we have our answer. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Stephen welcome back, everybody, were honored to be here tonight with dr. William cosby. Dr. Cosby. Yes. Stephen dr. Cosby, thank you so much for being here tonight. Yes, sir. Stephen what a pleasure. Thank you. Stephen now i will by am going to Say Something controversial. I think youre great. Youre a comedy legend. Youve got emmies, youve got grammys, youve got books. Everybody loves bill cosby. You are there is something called the colbert bump. The colbert bump is once youve been on my show things gets big for you. Will you walk down the street tomorrow, people are going to go thats bill cosby, i saw him on colbert. But theres also something called theres something called the cosby effect. You bring people together of disparate backgrounds to enjoy your work. Principles, like nelson mandela, when he was in jail, he and his jailers both watched the cosby show. In the 80s it helped with the reconciliation there. Why isnt Morgan Froman playing you in a movie . applause well, out of respect morgan and i worked together on the electric company. Stephen i remember, i remember. So i think out of respect morgan is waiting for me to die. Stephen you see. Stephen did he ever call you up and say, how are you feeling . Not only that, but hes asked how sydney is doing, pottier. Stephen harry bell a fonte. Everybody, he wants to know how theyre all doing. And hes not a happy man. Not a happy man. Well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that i died. Stephen how does that feel, how does that feel to hear . Well, no, no, morgan calls. Stephen i see. And i have a machine upon my desk, if you call, it sounds like im answering. So it will go to the fourth ring, hey, whats happening . And then youll say hello . Stop saying hello, whats going on, man. So then that fools a lot of people. And i think that morgan is going to be all right. Stephen i agree, i agree. Mr. Cosby, i cant thank you enough for being here. Yes, you can. Stephen i can . I can . Tell me when i get there. Okay. Stephen all right, let me try, let me try to thank you and see if i get there. See, you are wearing it out. Stephen oh i want to you remember wrefer you go. Stephen yes. Whatever job you have. Stephen yes. You have a desk and a mic, and two chairs. Call me. applause stephen bill cosby. applause well be right back. [ male announcer ] welcome to no mans land. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. The 2014 4runner. A mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew. 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. Fatthe fire of 1880 g at the baccouldnt stop us. Nor did prohibition in the 1920s. Or exile from our home country in the 60s. The bacardi family didnt just survive, we thrived. Because true passion cant be tamed. First rounds on me. What are you guys drinking . Im thinking redds strawberry ale me too. Redds strawberry ale. Fresh like a strawberry. Brewed like an ale. Stephen well, thats it for the report, everybody. Folks, before i go, i want to remind you that in if you enjoyed my interview with bill cosby tonight, get in line. And to learn more about mr. Cosby, go to your local library and check out cosby, his life and times by mark whitacre. An when they tell you they dont have it yet, go out and buy it, you cheap skate. Good night. cheers and applause