Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140927 : vimarsana.

Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. Folks you know me. You know what we do. You know that i have never been a fan of attorney general and guy who likes what he sees, eric holder. Well, today we found out that not only is he a jackbooted thug, but it turns out hes also a quitter. Breaking news. A major departure from president obamas cabinet. Eric holder, the first African American attorney general of the United States and the closest friend in the cabinet to president obama, is going to announce today that he is leaving the post. Stephen yep, obamas presidency is sinking so fast, even his friends dont want to stick around. Im being told we have some footage of holder escaping the collapsing obama regime in the nick of time. cheers and applause i gotta say, im with Mitch Mcconnell here. This is very exciting. Now, holder will be leaving in 2015, but so far no replacement has been named. So tonight, i humbly offer my services as attorney general. cheers and applause Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen i hear your call. Full disclosure i am not an attorney, but im pretty good at things in general. And im a quick learner when it comes to legal matters. One time, i fell asleep during a law and order marathon and woke up knowing the word jurisprudence. Its only a matter of time before i know what it means. And as our new attorney general, my thirst for justice will not be slaked until we solve cold cases like the untimely death last february of celbrated weatherpredicting groundhog, Staten Island chuck. Hell be forever remembered in our hearts as the one that wasnt punxsutawney phil. Because now a startling new revelation has come to light that suggests chucks death may have been. Murder cheers and applause why are we just learning about this now . Because it turns out this grisly tale of rodenticide goes all the way to the highest office in the land, then back down a few rungs to the mayor of new york city. Jim . The New York Post is reporting the groundhog, hoisted into the air and dropped by mayor bill deblasio in february, died from internal injuries a week after the groundhog day festivities. Stephen thats right, Staten Island chuck died after bill deblasio dropped him. Of course, chuck had been dropped by a mayor before, but that was mayor bloomberg, so he only fell a few inches. Now at the time that deblasio dropped him, it seemed like an accident, but think about it Staten Island is the only borough that deblasio lost in the mayoral election. So he responded the only way Staten Island understands with a mobstyle execution of their most beloved resident. It was a coldblooded groundhog hit job straight out of woodfellas, laughter applause but the conspiracy goes even deeper, folks because after the mayor made sure chuck had seen his last shadow, Staten Island zoo officials went to Great Lengths to hide the death from the public possibly because the zoo gets nearly half its 3. 5 million annual funding from the city. Thats right. The mayor bought the zoos silence. Turns out elephants dont have such a great memory when theyre being paid to fuhget about it. Fuhget about it. cheers and applause still, how did mayor deblasio pull it off . Shouldnt a clairvoyant animal, able to see six weeks into the future, also see his own death coming . Well bad news, bill he did. Not the only bombshell in this report. Chuck was actually charlotte. It was a female standin. And the groundhogs had been swapped out because zoo officials were concerned that chuck would have tried to bite the mayor. Stephen of course chuck wouldve tried to bite the mayor it was kill or be killed so chuck arranged for a body double no doubt after getting a tip from his mole in city hall. laughter applause oh, and dont even try to get your hands on chuck now, mayor deblasio. Because i hear hes gone underground. laughter now, nation, we are just four days into our latest war. For more, lets go to something loud and flashy. Dadaduhduhdundundun. Airstrikes on terror. Syrias business, shove it up their isil. cheers and applause . Jimmy . Jimmy, i thought we were going to fix the sound on that. We did. Stephen great sounds good. All right. Folks, as excited as i am that were finally dropping bombs, if i were in charge, id make it a little bombier. And im not the only one. This is part of the bomb damage assessment. There you see the picture before of a facility, and then after, and heres another one. You almost have to look twice. Well you have to look twice. They blew up half the building where they say most of the telecommunication equipment was. Thats just it. Why didnt they blow up the whole building . Essentially they knocked out cable tv for that building. Yeah, why didnt they blow up the whole thing. All the airstrikes are doing is knocking out isis cable but they will be sucked into a neverending quagmire with the soulless enemy. Thats against the geneva convention. Plus, missiles arent enough here. We need boots on the ground, yet obama refuses to send troops on the flimsy excuse that no one in the world thinks thats a good idea. Fortunately, theres a new plan from americas greatest military mind. We need a Worldwide Strike force to be able to go to the hot spots in the world and conflont islamic terrorisms, jihaddists on the ground. We need that. But why should the United States have to protect the whole world . So my idea is to raise a force of mercenaries, well paid. If you dont pay, you dont get any protection. You wouldnt believe how many military people are calling me saying thats a great idea. Stephen hes right. Hes right. I wouldnt believe him. laughter applause and you know, folks, you know these mercenaries will be good guys because only the best people kill whoever you want for cash. Its quality folks is what im saying. Unlike those suckers who do it for love of country. But, sadly, not everyone is seeing eye to eye with papa bear, like the lefties over at fox news. With your idea, youve gone from out of the box to off the wall. Do you really want to be running around the world, responsible for a band of desperadoes . It could turn into a frankenstein force that you cant control with unintended consequences. There are unintended consequences. This is a terrible idea, a terrible idea, not just as a practical matter but as a moral matter. Were not going to solve this problem by creating an army of Marvel Avengers or the guardians of the galaxy. Stephen oh, come on please bills plan isnt like the avengers or guardians of the galaxy. Theyd be an elite team of pros putting their consciences aside to dish out violence for big money. So its like the nfl. laughter cheers and applause but applause but as long as were drafting our teams in bills fantasy warfare league, folks, ive got my own plans for an elite strike force that i drew up years ago, in mrs. Templetons fourth grade english class. laughter and unlike bills plan, mine doesnt need 25,000 mercenaires just 10. Because theyre all mutant double ninja supersoldiers with laser nunchuks. Thats right. Thats right, isis doesnt stand a chance against stevies Super Soldier squad. Okay. Theres brick, snake, tank, snake m. , snake r. A lot of them are named snake so only snake doesnt have to use the last initial because he signed up first. These guys are all primed for the kill because they were frozen in cryostasis right after they saw their dog killed. Which means when they thaw out theyre like nooooo karate chop karate chop pewpewpew backflip land on a skateboard punch a dinosaur laughter applause and and this is important, and this part i gotta write this down. And this part this parts important, okay they get to stay up as late as they want, and the only person answer to is the contessa, okay. Shes firm but fair. And that black leather jumpsuit is just barely keeping it all in there for mrs. Templeton i mean the contessa laughter so listen up, bill. Because as long as were pretending theres a way to fight a war that doesnt involve sacrifice and that the American People and politicians dont have to feel any responsibility for, we should think bigger. Like maybe my invisible bomb that blows up only bad guys. Bill, you wouldnt believe how many military people are calling me and saying thats just as good as your idea. Well be right back. cheers and applause whos going to do it . Whos going to make it happen . Discover a new energy source. Turn ocean waves into power. Design cars that capture their emissions. Build bridges that fix themselves. Get more clean water to everyone. Whos going to take the leap . Whos going to write the code . Whos going to do it . Engineers. Thats who. Thats what i want to do. Be an engineer. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring americas future engineers. Energy lives here. A lifeline for so many people. It is more than a community. It is a family. Theres always a hug. Youre friends for life. When i needed guidance, and i needed support, living beyond Breast Cancer was there. Last year, 5hour Energy Raised over 340,000 for living beyond Breast Cancer. Purchase this specially marked bottle now through december 31st, and a portion of the proceeds will help Breast Cancer survivors live beyond their diagnosis. [door be l rings] [door bell rings] [phone rings] hello. Heh. Heh. Hehhehe. Tmobiles is the First National network to give you wifi calling. Now every wifi connection works like a tmobile tower. Its wifi unleashed. Left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. Right twix has the same thing. They have packing tape like that over at right twix . Try both. Pick a side. Twix stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. cheers and applause . Folks, its nearly impossible to contemplate the true horrors of war. So instead, lets look on the lighter side of arial bombardment in tonights smile file of death. Tonight, the story slapping a grin on my skull is about our aeb allies in the war on terror. You are all brave men, with one exception. We learned today one of the pilots in the operation against isis is a woman from the united arab emirates. Major mariam almansouri flies an f16. She is the First Female Fighter Pilot in the united arab emirates. She flies an f16. And its the u. A. E. Team leader. Stephen a female fighter pilot, flying airstrikes for the u. A. E. She has shattered the glass ceiling. And the rest of the building as well. Folks, im thrilled about this lady pilot or pilette because ive been a longtime supporter of womens equal right to fight in wars instead of me. laughter and im not the only one. Hey isis, you were bombed by a woman. Oh yeah. I hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women cant even drive. Stephen yeah thats what i call progress for women and nothing but nothing is going to roll that progress back. I hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women cant even drive. Problem is, after she bombed it, she couldnt park it. I salute her. Would that be considered boobs on the ground, or no . Oh stephen wow wow i mean, how how ignorant how ignorant can you be . Boobs onthe ground . This womans a fighter pilot. Show some respect. Its clearly a pair in the air. cheers and applause now, folks ill be clear about something. I think theres nothing wrong with referring to somebody by their naughty parts. Thats where i agree with the bleep on fox. Like them, i salute major almansouri and her top guns. Those sweater missles are locked and loaded. So isis, brace yourself for shock and awwwyeah. Theres a rack over iraq and you havent seen weapons of mass destruction like this pair of abu double dhabis. Because major almansouri is fighting isis and their oppressive, narrowminded view of women, which should bring hope to all other intelligent, capable women who right at this moment may be suffering halfway around the world. Well be right back. cheers and applause we have a saying. Mi coffee es su coffee. Our way of inviting you to share whats ours. So between september 16th and the 29th, we want to treat you to a rich, smooth mccafe coffee for free. Why would we do that . When you have something this delicious, you just have to share it. On the casa. Charlie, the demand on this network, it is increasing by the second. Its crazy, huh . And people are relying on it more than ever. We cover more than 99 of all americans. I know, i cant imagine living without it. Its a place where people can come share knowledge and ideas. Its beautiful. Thats deep charlie. My selfie just hit a hundred likes. gasps a hundred at t is building you a better network. So why treat your half mouth any differently . Complete the job with listerine®. Kill up to 99 percent of germs. And prevent plaque, early gum disease and bad breath. Sfx ahhh listerine®. Power to your mouth™ at devry university, a Business Career was my goal. My professors guidance, helped me find career success. At microsoft get started now, with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Classes start october 27. Visit devry. Edu in all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. Jess what . Kelly how was the date . Jess umm, it was fine. Kelly no i want details. What was he like . Jess i dont know. Smart, funny, good smile. Kelly wait a minute youre blushing. Jess no im not kelly you like him jess no, i dont i mean, maybe. I dont know kelly oh wow. Stephen my guest tonight is a psychologist whose new book says delayed gratification leads to more success in life. So if you really want to go places, youll wait for the paperback. Please welcome Walter Mischel cheers and applause thank you so much for being here. Is it dr. Mischel . Whatever you like. Stephen oh, no, whatever you like. My name is walter. Stephen its just walter. Ok, walter, thank you so much for being here. You hold the Robert Johnson niven chair as professor of psychology at columbia university. Youre an egghead in more than one way. Youve been elected to the National Academy of sciences, the American Academy of arts. And sciences, won the distinguished contribution award by the American Psychological association. And your book is, the marshmallow test mastering selfcontrol. This title has so many things i like myself, control, and marshmallows. Ok, explain to the people out there the marshmallow test. When did you hold these tests . Most of the work was begun in the middle 60s, 1960s. And then it continued and continued and continued, and its still ongoing now. Stephen so whats the test . The test actually youve got some you want and i stephen ill go with mine. Ill go with mine. These are pink. Theyre pink from paris. Stephen oh, from paris. Lets do the paris pink ones. We have three marshmallows here. How does the test work. It works like this. If im the child stephen ill be the child. Youre the child. Two here, one here. Now, theres al also a bell over here that you can ring. Stephen i ring it or you ring it . You ring it. Stephen ring. I come right back into the room. Ring it again. Stephen ding. I come back into the room. Now you can be i really come back into the room. Stephen i understand. You can have this one and time you want. Okay . laughter applause youre done. Stephen okay. Did i win . Did i win . You got your one. But thats it. Because youre not going to get those two. laughter applause cheers stephen my understanding is my understanding is you think that one who doesnt eat the marshmallow first you found were more successful in life . The longer kids waited to get the two, the longer they waited, on the whole, generally, the more successful their lives turned out to be if they were consistent in how they continued in selfcontrol over the life course. Stephen so delayed gratification, saying wait and youll get two, in what other place, other than eating marshmallows, does that come in handy . It comes in handy, for example, if you have to start delaying gratification because you cant eat the marshmallows, because youre in a classroom, and youre trying to concentrate on what the teacher is saying. So what we found is that over the years, to our surprise i mean, we werent predicting it that length of time kids wait is related, for example, to what their body weight is, what their body weight index is, their body mass index is by the time theyre 32. Its related how well they pursue their goals, how effective they are at work. Its related to all kinds of things, including s. A. T. Scores, when theyre adolescent. Stephen do we even need the s. A. T. S anymore if we have the marshmallow tests. Just get all the kids in the room, the kid who waits for the two marshmallows, right to the ivy league. There are a few steps in between. But theres no question that being able to do what you didnt do laughter is is something that can be very, very useful for you because what its saying to us is that you actually were able to keep a goal in mind i want the two you were able to inhibit interfering responses like shoving it right in your mouth. laughter . Stephen so good, though, theyre delicious. You know, theyre very special. Stephen yeah, yeah. And youre able to use your attention, which you didnt do laughter in a way that lets you actually not gobble the marshmallow and keep on going. Thats a very fundamental skill. It now has a fancy name. Its called executive control. Stephen these are very good marshmallows. Theyre very special. Stephen were they this good back in the 60s. I know marshmallow technologies every 18 months the Storage Capacity of a marshmallow doubles. I believe its called smores law. cheers and applause . Do you not want one . No, i dont you. Stephen dont want one . I actually dont like the things. cheers and applause . Stephen walter. Walther mischel, the marshmallow test. cheers and applause well be right back. cheers and applause mm. Feel it. J. J. Watt . You know theres a game on tonight right, amy . Oh, i know, but its my turn to chaperone. Right, but you could do both. How . Nfl mobile is now free with the more everything plan from verizon. I have verizon download it, you can watch the game right here. Come on, lets boogie oh, helen. For the first time watch live local sunday games on nfl mobile. Included with the more everything plan exclusively from verizon. Get a large, twotopping pizza for just 7. 99, at pizzahut. Com. A deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the 7. 99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut. Com. The best pizza hut deals live online. Pizza hut [barking] ooh whos a good dog [barking] hey. Whoa no hard feelings, ok . Crazy good left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. Right twix has the same thing. They have packing tape like that over at right twix . Try both. Pick a side. Twix good afternoon. Chase sapphire. This is stacy from springfield. Direct access to a live advisor so you can get answers fast, and get back to the beach. Chase sapphire preferred. So you can. Comedy central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause jon welcome to the show tonight a gentleman by the name of stephen johnson, author of how we got to now, a very timely book because it is now. Breaking news today attorney general eric holder is stepping down after nearly six years on the job. Eric has agreed to stay on as attorney general until i nominate a successor confirmed by the senate. Jon so he will never leave laughter hes not only acting on any confirmation hearings currently, theyre busy bleep their pants. I. S. I. S. Has hit us at home. Killed thousands, marching on. Cant bury our heads. Action needs to be taken. Needs to rise to the occasion before we get killed back at home. Jon all of us