Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140929 : vimarsana.

These things unfolding, these episodes or anecdotes wherein the president seems to be at war not just with our cheers and applause stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report good to have you with us good to have you cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. Folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night, i found the shofar to herald the arrival of Rosh Hashanah, the jewish new year, may 5775 be a year of happiness. laughter i still got it. laughter nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. Nice thing about a dead ram horn, it only it only gets dead ramier. And folks, im already enjoying the traditional Rosh Hashanah treat known among the jewish people and i hope im pronouncing this correctly, apples and chhoney. It expresses our hope for a sweet new year. And Rosh Hashanah Rosh Hashanah is just the beginning of the jewish high holiday fun. From now until yom kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as the days of repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuster, transformers 5 days of repentance. applause stephen the plot centers on optimus primes bar mitzvah and his most difficult transformation yet from boy into a manment and at the end he turns into a pen and pencil set. Traditionally this is a time to apologize to all those you have wronged. Now i do not follow this tradition because i am not jewish and i have never been wrong. laughter stephen but for the past nine years, ladies and gentlemen, i have given any of the chosen people who have wronged me a chance to seek my forgiveness by calling the atonephone. applause the atonephone at 18886677539 that is 1888oopsjew. laughter of course, of course, folks, maintaining one triple 8 oopsjew does not come cheap that is one more thing for to you feel guilty about. That is why every year we defray some of the costs by sharing our line with other businesses that happen to have names that can be spelled using the name telephone number. For instance, this year, when you call please press 2 if you want at tonephone. If you press 1, you will be connected to 1888morskids a club for young telegraph enthusiasts f you press 3, you reach 1888morpkx, a legal hotline dedicate odd to the ever increasing list of exwives of my dear friend pk winstrom. Jim . Absolutely. Youve reach, 18889morspkx where we say its not about the kid, its about the money. If this is brenda, press 1. If this is vanessa press 2. If this is other brenda, press 3. If this is janine, shh, i havent told the others about you yet. Stephen finally, folks, if you press 4, will you get onpr lady, a sex chat line featuring fresh airs terry gross. Jimmy . applause jimmy, give them a taste. Hello, youre on with onpr lady. This is terry. Oh what are you wearing . What am i wearing . A seamingly straightforward question. Yet perhaps no outward signifier of identity is more powerful than what one wears. Though it is considered a virtue to say that appearances dont matter, often i professed indifference say kind of costume but to answer your question, jeans and a cardigan, big boy. Oh, yeah. applause stephen i think i need a little fresh air. So folks, remember if 1888oopsjew, press 2 to get at tonephone. Operate certificate standing by. 11, 27, 49, far too often these are the winning numbers of our lottery tickets. But now insiders in the industry are saying even numbers may be making a comeback. laughter at tonephone. Weve got our first caller. Shalom, how have you wronged me . Hi, stephen, its endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy. Stephen endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy, jeff this is something of a surprise. I didnt know you were jewish. Well, thats just it, stephen, i converted last year. Stephen oh, okay, and you are racked with guilt because you betrayed both jesus and me . No, i feel bad because hi a bar mitzvah and i didnt invite you. Stephen oh thats okay, jeff. I just hope you and your real friends had fun. I was probably busy that night anyway. Im so sorry, stephen. Stephen dont worry about it, mazel tov on your bar missia and double stuff maz el on being forgiven by me. Thanks, stephen. Why dont you join us some friday for shbbat dinner. Next week is yom kippur, were fasting. Stephen oh, great, you can watch me eat. Bye. applause folks, as a patriot i have always believed that during a time of war we must all put aside our political differences, come together and rally around our commander in chief. But sometimes a president acts so recklessly that men of good conscience stand and say no more. Jim . Outrage this morning over president s salute with a coffee cup in his hand, some saying it is a latte salute. When he arrived yesterday on air force one in Lower Manhattan watch the instagram images from the white house. Yup, thats the president. Saluting with what looks like a styrofoam cup either with coffee or tea or whatever it is, nonetheless, he didnt switch hands. And people are fired up about this. Stephen oh, i am more than fired up about this. applause warning, warning, contents are hot. laughter stephen and before the ugly accusations start flying from the liberals this has nothing to do with the fact that the coffee was black. I am sick i am sick and tired applause stephen mi sick and tired of the race hustlers out there playing the starbucks gift card. Because obama wasnt even drinking coffee. The idea that im going to just sort of jaunt out there with my chai tea and give them the old, you know f not a latte salute t is a chai salute because he drinks chai tea. Stephen thank you, carl, thank you for that. Chai tea. applause i bet that tea had a spriing of arugala in there and was certified halal by an undocumented gay muslim barista. And to anyone who say os bamas coffee salute was an awkward accident rather than the manifestation of a twisted mind hellbent on disrespecting our armed forces, prepare to be educated. Look, obviously i dont think he said let me put the coffee in this hand and salute a marine. I think he was buttoning his jacket with one hand, he had a coffee and he just, obviously he wants to have iting ba. I dont think he intentionally did that, do you . I think when are you not intending to do something, you could be intending to do something. laughter applause stephen now, does that sound idiotic . Yes. Because she didnt intend it to. laughter 9 point is, not gretchen here was outraged. So she had no choice but to strike back with the most powerful puns in her arsenal. Have you seen this, president saluting with a coffee cup in his hand, was it a latte disrespect or a latte do about nothing. Send us your hashtag emails now. Stephen oh, i will send you my hashtag emails now. Miss log on hold on give me a second here. Power that thing up. Let me just lock on to hashtag emails. Com. Dear steve doocy, not gretchen, and brown haired guy who is not steve doocy. I believe the president s salute was a latte disrespect, it was unamericano, this is a mockary of our military, that should have us flying our flags as halfcaf. No sanka, you, sir, not in my maxwell house. It makes me very unflappy to see. We got to put that dopio on an espresso chain to cappuchina before its too cafe awe late. Thank you for letting me venti my anger, and hashtag email. cheers and applause well be right back. Just tell us your budget and the name your price tool helps you find a whole range of coverages. No one else gives you options like that. [voice echoing] no one at all no one at all no one. Wake up [gasp] oh you okay, buddy . I just had a dream that progressive had this thing called. The name your price tool. It isnt a dream, is it . Nope. Sorry you know that thing freaks me out. He can hear you. He didnt mean that, kevin. Kevin yes, he did keeping our competitors up at night. Now, thats progressive. Come on lets hide in the attic. No. In the basement. Why cant we just get in the running car . Are you crazy . Lets hide behind the chainsaws. Smart. Yeah. Ok. If youre in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. Its what you do. This was a good idea. Shhhh. Be quiet. Im being quiet. Youre breathing on me if you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Head for the cemetery a lifeline for so many people. It is more than a community. It is a family. Theres always a hug. Youre friends for life. When i needed guidance, and i needed support, living beyond Breast Cancer was there. Last year, 5hour Energy Raised over 340,000 for living beyond Breast Cancer. Purchase this specially marked bottle now through december 31st, and a portion of the proceeds will help Breast Cancer survivors live beyond their diagnosis. Ina bite size new ways. To enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. New, york minis, get the sensation. Right here. With a control pad that can read your handwriting, a widescreen multimedia center, and a headup display for enhanced driver focus. All inside a newly redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. The allnew cclass. At the very touch point of performance and innovation. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has been making americans laugh for five decades and he does an amazing bill cosby impression. Please welcome bill cosby. cheers and applause mr. Cosby, thank you so much. Pleasure to be here. Thank you so much. Really, i thank you so much for being here tonight, sir. Yes. Stephen not all of our guests look this nice. Not everyone has an insignia on their pocket. I really appreciate you putting some effort in. Betsy ross asked me if she wanted to if she could, do a flag. I aid no. I said no. Stephen you turned down betsy ross. Yes. Stephen so who did the flag . Betsy ross did the flag. Stephen right. Because George Washington heard that i turned her down. laughter stephen okay, okay. So. Stephen he pulled strings. She sewed strings. laughter stephen potato, potato sir. No, not the same. Tomato. Tomato, tomato, parade. laughter stephen are you going to be are you going to be in town for the tomato parade . Yes, sir, pomona. Give me these. laughter cheers and applause stephen now, sir i want to tell you something. Stephen i want to hear it. Its frightening. Stephen yes, whats frightening. Its frightening sitting here. Stephen why is it frightening, i am so happy you are here, i have been a lifelong fan of yours. Happy for you. Frightening for me. Stephen no need to be frightened. They brought me out here. Stephen yeah. And set me in the dark. And then you turned on some music and laughter stephen thats exactly what we did. Thats true. Exactly what we did. And i said oh boy, this is going to be like the funhouse. laughter where, did you ever go to the Amusement Park and they go in what they call the fun house . Stephen yeah, its not fun at all, its kind of scary. It is kind of scary . Stephen kind of scary. They have, somebody thought it was funny, and you walk in, in the dark, see first of all, anybody that does that, theres something wrong with you. Stephen who makes it or goes. Makes it. The person who makes it, something is wrong with them. They dont like little children. Because they had these things, i dont know, and there was rubber stuff. And nobody told you. And the first thing you do, you walk in and you just a kid, man. You trust old people. And they lead you, mr. Colbert, they lead me through this thing and things would all around, doing like that around my ankle. And. Stephen did they ever put out the bowl of grapes and say feel this, these are eyeballs or the bowl of spaghetti like these are human gut, did they do that kind of stuff . Well, let me explain something to you. laughter i was born to two people who had no money. Stephen uhhuh. I ate anything. Stephen so would you have eaten the eyeballs. Anybodys balls. laughter applause stephen in some countries, its a delicacy, a delicacy. Yes. An when youre poor, it can be a delicacy. As long as you give me a piece of bread, i can make it. Stephen so two balls on one piece of bread, thats an open face ball sandwich. laughter you are a legend. No, no, dont change the subject. Stephen im not changing the subject. Im not, i promise you, im not. I would never. I swear to god. Let go. Listen laughter what i want you to know is that you are carrying youre carrying me too fast. Stephen lets slow down. You have to go somewhere. Stephen very slow. Yeah, please, because we got to those ball sandwiches and i was enjoying that. Stephen lets linger. And then did you something to the ball sandwiches and i didnt want any more. laughter didnt want any more. Stephen i think theyre enjoying themselves. I think theyre coming along for the ride. I dont want it where they turn on you. laughter stephen no, no, are you okay . You guys okay . cheers and applause hold on one secretary, were going do a little commercial. A little one . Stephen any one, it will be so small. See, thats the one words that grownups use, i remember they always lie. laughter stephen they do. Grownups lie to children. This is going to be a little one. Stephen this house youre going go into, its going to be fun. Keep the lights on. Stephen well keep the lights on. Lights on. Well be right back. This is a pip. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. Looks like were about to board. Mmhmm. Im just comparing Car Insurance rates at progressive. Com. Is that where they show the other guys rates, too . Mmhmm. Cool. Yeah. Hi. Final boarding call for flight 294. [ bells ring on sign ] [ vehicle beeping ] whos ready for the garlic festival . This guy bringing our competitors rates to you now, thats progressive. Check out our jalapeno barbecue chicken or beef short rib enchiladas, handmade with fresh premium ingredients like house made corn and black bean salsa. Chilis top shelf enchiladas. More life happens here. With new jolly rancher filled gummy bites . Not today. Bites. Little greatness. Im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. Stephen welcome back, everybody, were honored to be here tonight with dr. William cosby. Dr. Cosby. Yes. Stephen dr. Cosby, thank you so much for being here tonight. Yes, sir. Stephen what a pleasure. Thank you. Stephen now i will by am going to Say Something controversial. I think youre great. Youre a comedy legend. Youve got emmies, youve got grammys, youve got books. Everybody loves bill cosby. You are there is something called the colbert bump. The colbert bump is once youve been on my show things gets big for you. Will you walk down the street tomorrow, people are going to go thats bill cosby, i saw him on colbert. But theres also something called theres something called the cosby effect. You bring people together of disparate backgrounds to enjoy your work. Principles, like nelson mandela, when he was in jail, he and his jailers both watched the cosby show. In the 80s it helped with the reconciliation there. Why isnt Morgan Froman playing you in a movie . applause well, out of respect morgan and i worked together on the electric company. Stephen i remember, i remember. So i think out of respect morgan is waiting for me to die. Stephen you see. Stephen did he ever call you up and say, how are you feeling . Not only that, but hes asked how sydney is doing, pottier. Stephen harry bell a fonte. Everybody, he wants to know how theyre all doing. And hes not a happy man. Not a happy man. Well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that i died. Stephen how does that feel, how does that feel to hear . Well, no, no, morgan calls. Stephen i see. And i have a machine upon my desk, if you call, it sounds like im answering. So it will go to the fourth ring, hey, whats happening . And then youll say hello . Stop saying hello, whats going on, man. So then that fools a lot of people. And i think that morgan is going to be all right. Stephen i agree, i agree. Mr. Cosby, i cant thank you enough for being here. Yes, you can. Stephen i can . I can . Tell me when i get there. Okay. Stephen all right, let me try, let me try to thank you and see if i get there. See, you are wearing it out. Stephen oh i want to you remember wrefer you go. Stephen yes. Whatever job you have. Stephen yes. You have a desk and a mic, and two chairs. Call me. applause stephen bill cosby. applause well be right back. door bell rings trick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm life as i knew it would never be the same. Everything stopped. And i just said, im going to beat this. And thats when i found living beyond Breast Cancer. Purchase a specially marked bottle of pink lemonade 5hour energy and a portion of the proceeds will help provide survivors like me with a much needed community of support. Living beyond Breast Cancer is a lifeline for so many people. I just love being able to say that im living beyond Breast Cancer. The smartest or nothing. The quietest or nothing. The sleekest. Sexiest,. Baddest,. Safest,. Tightest,. Quickest,. Harshest. Or nothing. At mercedesbenz, we do things one way or we dont do them at all. Introducing the allnew cclass. The best or nothing. Stephen well, thats it for the report, everybody. Folks, before i go, i want to remind you that in if you enjoyed my interview with bill cosby tonight, get