Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141002 : vimarsana.

Residents safety. In bed. laughter cheers and applause and everywhere else. Massive protests filling the streets of hong kong. Tens of thousands of these demonstrators have packed into the highways and streets, mostly in the citys central financial district. They clashed with police who reportedly pointed long barreled guns and used tear gas for the first time in years. Stephen yes, protestors in hong kong are being attacked with tear gas. Or as its known in china, the sky. laughter the protests here, its all. Taems. You see, after china took control of hong kong from Great Britain in the late 90s, they promised free elections for hong kongs chief executive in 2017. But now beijing says candidates must be hand picked by a committee of progovernment tycoons. That is not right. Americans know candidates must be picked by antigovernment tycoons. cheers and applause thank you for your service, gentlemen. So thousands of Hong Kongolese have taken to the streets in a collective action the New York Times calls, a challenge to xi jinpings rule, the Associated Press describes as an unprecedented show of civil disobedience, and the official state paper china daily downplayed in favor of the bigger news that 10,000 pigeons were given anal security checks leading up to celebrations for chinas national day. Thats right, 10,000 chinese pigeons were anally probed. laughter now, folks, i i am no cheers and applause i am not expert on the chinese zodiac, but i know whose year its not. laughter well, nation, i stand with the people of hong kong theyre going to need all the support they can get, too, becprn . n . What happened last time the Chinese People stood up to oppression. And if you do not remember, head over to the bodies exhibit. But i hope the Chinese Government is listening because, gentlemen, the world is watching, and you have a choice here you can crush these protestors under your heel, or you can do the right thing and grant them the rights they were promised. Think carefully, because whichever you choose, america will still do business with you. laughter i mean, hell, well do transformers 5 just for you. Theres not even any dialogue in this one and bumblebee has some harsh words for japans false claims to the senkaku islands. So do anything you want, as long as your factories keep pumping out these little babies out, okay. Here we go. cheers and applause here to tell me what the leadership of china wants to do is the author of the peoples republic of amnesia. Please welcome, louisa lim. Thai so much for being here. Heres the book, the peoples republic of amnesia. Now, louisa, what is hong kong . Is it part of china . Yes, it is part of china. And it was a british colony, but in 1997, it was returned to chinese rule under this arrangement that was called one country, two systems. And now were seeing a very big strain in that arrangement. Stephen when democratly comes to another country, like to bomb into them. But what do you think is going to happen here . What do you think is going to happen . Do you think the chinese are going to roll the tanks in on the hong konggeans . At this point its really difficult to say. Were seeing very mixed messages. The riot police were withdrawn, but there was an editorial in the peoples daily today, which is the party mouthpiece, which says if people do not withdraw from the streets, it said the assemblies were were illegal and if people did not withdraw the consequences would be unimaginable. Stephen perhaps they will do to the protesters what they did to the pigeons. What everybody has said is a rewind of what happened in 1989. I mean, what were seeing in tons of the Popular Movement is that this is almost like tiananmen 2. 0. Stephen is any of this information getting on to the 1 ÷dgl s5 is being very, very heavily sensorred bowz they do not want to have the Chinese Government is very scared of contagion effect. Instagram was blocked . China because Stephen Instagram was blocked. The pictures the images of tens of thousands of people peacefully protesting are such potent images and the chinese are worried about contagion effect. Stephen i think instagram also has a filter that makes everything look like it was taken in Tiananmen Square in 1989. cheers and applause some chinese has also been very heavilyu censored. All kinds of words have been band, words like Yellow Ribbons because the protesters are tying Yellow Ribbon as a symbol of democracy. And even words like instagram was blocked is blocked. Stephen the word instagram was blocked is blocked. Isnt it possible it will swallow itself . Do you think there is a spread that the chinese control, like the u. S. Treasury . laughter applause cheers get back to me on that one. Thank you so much. Louisa lim, the peoples republic of amnesia. Well be right back. Play the 5 gum truth or dare challenge and you could win a sensory adventure. Ok google, how long do koalas what is sleep each day . Or . On average a koala sleeps somewhere between 18 and 22 hours every day. Ah, thats the life. Welcome back. Thanks so much. Folks during the commercial break during this last commercial break, i found out that i have upset someone very dear to me. Bill oreilly. My mentor, my north star, the Emergency Contact on my soul cycle membership. laughter and it hurts me to know i hurt the man i admire most, just as bill would be hurt if he hurt the man he admires most himself. laughter you see, last thursday, i praised bills plan to win the war on terror with an International Army of 25,000 paid mercenaries, making it almost as large as the cast of the expendables iii. laughter i loved papa bears idea of war without political red tape so much, that i put forth my own equallythoughtout plan from the fourth grade. An army of expert double ninja super soldiers with laser nunchucks. Its a cantfail strategy. I did not even include their allies the pirate boatercycle gang. But somehow, somehow, folks, bill oreilly took bill offense. People like Stephen Colbert mocking the plan. They dont know anything. But by being completely vacant, it doesnt stop these people from mocking ideas that might have some value, might solve some complex problems. Mr. Colbert and others of his ilk have no bleepin clue how to fight the jihad. Stephen thats outrageous bill oreilly has to do his own bleeping . Come on, rupert mourdock. Spring for the bleep machine ive got one. Watch bill oreilly is a bleep egomaniac. cheers and applause now, im sure im sure Stephen Stephen stephen stiffen. Stephen i am positive i am absolutely positive that that was bleepped for broadcast, because i dont mean it. But more importantly, how can bill say me and others of my ilk dont have a clue how to fight jihad . Bill, baby doll, youre of my ilk. Were ilk mates. Were members of the same ilk lodge. I wasnt mocking your plan. Im the only one who likes it upon everyone on your own show thinks youre insane. This is a terrible idea. Its a terrible idea not just as a practical matter but as a moral matter. With your idea youve gone from out of the box to off the wall. Theres a lot of Different Reasons i oppose this. What about accountability . There is a highly trained skilled force that can go forth in many of these places. Its already trained by our special forces. It could turn into a frankenstein course you cant control with unintended consequences. Stephen a en stein course force . S that he been reading my notebook. Do not listen to those guys, bill, plenty of people love your plan. Last week we asked you to vote in a bill oreilly. Com poll. Do you believe a mercenary force paid for by Coalition Nations is a good idea . 70 yes, 30 now. See, 70 in a nonscientific poll. That means bills most loyal fans, voting as many times as they want, gave it an overwhelming cminus. And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i am putting up an even lessscientific poll on my website asking the nation whose plan is better, mine or bills. And the results are in before ive even asked its that unscientific. As you can see, they both got 100 . cheers and applause meanwhile meanwhile, 96 voted this is a poll, in my is this a poll . Poll. Tough defeat for rice cakes. At that point, i thought bill was done with me. Turned out, he wasnt bleeping finished. In the world of the ideologue where colbert lives, solutions dont really matter. Its how you feel about things. So in your life, when you confront a person who criticizes you but has nothing constructive to say, run fast. Stephen even more great military advice. laughter cheers and applause remember, remember, remember, mercenaries when you you confront opposition, run fast. I think bills the one who trained the iraqi army. But im man enough to admit that bill is right. I am an idealogue, and thats why im not worthy of his mercenary army, because mercenaries dont have ideology. They just kill anyone you pay them to. In fact, if someone else pays them more, theyll kill you thats just the free market. applause so, bill, please, i want to Say Something they feel. Lets not fight. Or if we do fight, bill, lets at least pay other people to do it for us. Well be right back. cheers and anncr now you can merge the physical freedom of the car, with the virtual freedom of wifi. Chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring builtin 4g lte wifi to cars, trucks and crossovers. Hi mom. You made it anncr its the new independence. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight spent 43 years in the navy. Thats even longer than that guy from the village people. Please welcome admiral mike mullen. cheers and applause admiral, thank you for being here. Good to see you. Honor to have you, sir. Thank you so much for being here. Now, youre retired u. S. Navy admiral. You served as the 17th chairman of the joint chiefs of staff. Thats a big job. Now, obviously, i assume youre on board with bill oreillys 25,000man mercenary army. Do you think we should go with, 25,000 people from around the world who get taught english and are paid very well, or the u. S. Armed forces . Which would you pick . And, please, dont let your years as the chairman of the joint chiefs influence you in this decision. Think objectively about this for a second. Mernoreaster armyu. S. Armed forces. You had to pick, which would it be . It would be this one. Stephen okay, all right. Bill is not going to like that. The man has a mercenary army. I wouldnt cross him. I know. Stephen so were in syria now, and were we officially dont have boots on the ground but we have advisers on the ground . Actually, not in syria. We have advisers on the ground in iraq, about 1600 of them. Stephen how much of a difference is there between western iraq and syria at this point . There a border . I think its just actually in name only. I mean, that part of the desert is wide open, and as far as isil right now, they control an awful lot of territory, both in iraq and syria. Theyve called it the beginning of the caliphate, if you will, and their state that theyve established, which i dont think has any substantial underpinning in terms of Reality International or anything like, that but its what they claim. Stephen they used to be the Islamic State in iraq and syria. Now theyre just the Islamic State . Right. Stephen theyre like cher. Theyre probably not fans of cher. laughter how long are we going to be doing this . Well, my my view of that is in 2011 when egypt started to unfold and the revolution there, i said then and i still think in that part of the world, were in a 30 to 40year run here. Stephen 30 to 40 years . Correct. Stephen so like the cold war. In terms of the revolution and the change and the uncertainty and the instability. And i think its just cascaded from one country to another. Stephen do you think americas reputation in the world because of the military engagement weve had over the last 13 years is damaged . I do. I do. I think in fact i dont know how many people i could ask that would get the correct answer to this question which is having bombed syria, how many muslim countries have we bombed . This is our seventh. Stephen yeah, yeah, one more and we get a free filaffal. Heres one thing. Lets talk about military lets talk. A real successful military mission that everybody should feel great about, and thats when we went and got bin laden. You were in the room when that thing was going down. And you had to be the one to call the head of the pakistani military. Correct. Stephen to say that we got him. Right. Stephen how was that . laughter did you say, hi, its mike. We found bin laden. Guess where . laughter applause cheers of he chagrined . No. Stephen were they shagrind at all . He was he was actually surprised. I mean, literally. Now, this is in the human dimension. I know this doesnt make a lot of sense, but i knew him pretty well, and hifs reaction was surprise, one, that wed found him, and, two, that he was where we found him, which was about a mile from their their version of west point. And he had the worst week of his life stephen not as bad as bin ladens. No, i know. Stephen do you ever get tired of the middle east . Do you ever want to just throw up your hands and go back to bed zoo no. Stephen no . What i would like to see is sort of an overarching strategy and plan for the middle east country by country, and then even in the regional sense per se. And i think having that and having a view of that would then allow everybody to figure out how they could contribute if its another country, or we could contribute, even inside our own country. Stephen can i tell you why i think the American People might be tired of it . And want to go back to bed . And im speaking for myself, and, therefore, the American People. Is because cheers and applause were were asked to be afraid of it. You get to think about it all the time or you did get to think about it all the time and say to yourself, you know what . That Little Corner of the desert looks like it could blow up real good, lets go over there. Whereas, were asked to be afraid of it, and were reminded to be afraid of it, but we no longer have much of a voice in it because our congressional representatives wont vote or whether were supposed to do anything about it. Were not asked to sacrifice that much for it. Very few of us go fight. And were also not told all that much about whats happening over there. So all we have is the fear, and none of the action. Right. Stephen and so we eventually want to stop thinking about it. And thats why that 25,000man mercenary army starts to sound good. laughter so we also applause we also want to stop caring about what happens to our men and women who go over there because we dont want them to sacrifice for something that we dont think is right. And yet we dont have much voice in it anymore. applause cheers so you bring up a concern that i have with respect to a growing disconnect between the men and women who serve in this allvolunteer force, who are the best ive ever seen. Theyre less than 1 of the population. They come from fewer and fewer places in america. And the American People who didnt have to buy into these wars, as you said and i agree with that and certainly the vast, vast majority didnt have to fight in them, dont know who we are as a military. And in fact and ive said this many times, what i actually do worry about is that we become some version of Something Like the French Foreign legion, which is please go off and fight our dirty little wars and let us get on with our lives. And i think thats a disaster for america. We need to be connected to the American People and we need to do that through the system thats here, those that are elected, and i certainly agree that those who are elected ought to vote on what we do. And we ought to cheers and applause and if i can make and we ought to have a fulsome, raging debate about that in this country. cheers and applause . Stephen admiral, thank you so much. Admiral mike mullen. Well be right back. Thank you. cheers and applause [door bell rings] [phone rings] hello. Introducing wifi calling. Now every wifi connection works like a tmobile tower. Its wifi unleashed. Padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. 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Say it, out loud. Say it. Vampire. Are you afraid . Im not scared. No. laughter no. applause by the way, this is from the tall bela tinny edward edition of twilight. laughter oh, edward. Its been two years since the last movie, and the vampire twilight breaking dawn part 2 came out. Comedians please give us a fights el for the next install am of this popular tween series, tom lennon, go. Twilight, sparkle sparkle, blah, blah, blah, just give us your 10. 50. Cameron esposito. Twilight breaking condom. Yes. No, that is the scariest thing that could happen. That is the scariest thing that could happen daniel sloss. Twilight, the only guy that loves that time of the month. Yes. Its 100 percent truchlt its time to start midnight. applause welco