Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141027 : vimarsana.

Iraq had wmds the whole time i feel a combination of two strong emotions oh, my god, shock and awe laughter i finally understand what you were talking about theres no telling what else bush was right about. I bet some of those weapons were nucular . laughter this vindication must really warm dick cheneys arc reactor . I dont know what hes got in there now. Nothing but nothing is going to kill my buzz over these wmds not even the second line of every story about them. These were not the weapons we went to war over. They were not the ones to justify the invasion. They were from the old iraniraq war. Stephen shake it like a polaroid picture. Beyonces, and lucy lius, and baby dolls. Get on the floor. You know what to do. Im sorry. I didnt catch any of that. Point is, iraq made these awful weapons, and america had a moral obligation to punish them and anyone who helped them. This has to be one of the bitterest ironies of the iraq war. These are weapons that iraq had manufactured with help from western countries including the u. S. During its war with iran in the 1980s. Stephen okay. So we helped arm them with chemical weapons in the 1980s. But come on, there are a lot of things we regret from the 80s. Wouldnt surprise me if we also armed them with buns of steel. laughter at least now we know what Donald Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein were shaking hands over in 1983 kind of a funny story. Back when iraq was fighting iran, two American Companies provided hundreds of tons of thiodiglycol, a mustard agent precursor, including the company cardinal stabilizer, a specialty Chemical Firm from my hometown of charleston, south carolina. Well, now i finally know the secret to my states delicious barbecue a tangy mustardgas sauce. So good you will claw your eyes out cheers and applause you will slap your grandma laughter and this wmd discovery is news to everyone because Even Congress was only partly informed these weapons existed, while troops and officers were instructed to be silent or give deceptive accounts of what they had found. It was sort of a dont ask dont tell for the lgbt wmd community. laughter point is, the story proves once and for all that the war was completely necessary and justified. Here to say his story doesnt say that is Pulitzer Prize winner from the New York Times, reporter c. J. Chivers, the secret casualties of iraqs abandoned questions. Heres my number one question. Proves we had wmds there in iraq. Why didnt george bush brag about this more in because the egg on his face is that there were no wmds. Was he being just too humble here . Was the war so popular he didnt want to run up the scoreboard at this point . These weapons were old discarded junk from about two wars before. Stephen dont try your Obiwan Kenobi these arent what you were looking for laughter they werent even used. Stephen so theyre not dangers at all . They, are used in local attacks and improvised bombs where they were discarded in old stockpiles. Stephen why didnt we find out about them at all till your article. Actually you did. Through 2004, our government had a good record of disclosing a lot of the information. Charles bellford in the Iraq Survey Group gave us a thorough report through 2004 that stands up to this day, but biosix they stopped talking about it and in 2006 the number of discoveries took off and the number of troops that were wounded also accelerated sharply and at that point there had been a turn in the practice and they werent talking about it. I dont know why they werent. You dont know why this suddenly became a secret . Through 2004, the records good. Had they continued the practice, i wouldnt have to sit here and tell you about this. This could have come out in realtime and been a series of small stories and digested by the person public and the body of politics a long time ago. Stephen speaking of small stories, this is not a small story. Not only has it made a big splash, but its an extremely long article in here. Is this why the New York Times doesnt have a comics page . laughter because ziggy never depresses me like this. I think it should. Its twice as long. Stephen they cut it in half . Yes. Stephen you already got a pulitzer. Does your pulitzer glow blue . No, this is a story about enlisted soldiers who had one of the most dangerous jobs on the battlefield in the last war, who worked hard, served well, suffered something surprising and were at a minimum casualtyneglected if not outright abused. Stephen did the guys who found the stuff, they were injured by this. Many were not wounded. Some were wounded. Stephen did they get a purple heart . Most of them did not. Stephen because it had to be a secret . They didnt get purple hearts for a variety of reasons but among them is the purple heart system by my estimate is broken. There are four services that have different processes and different standards for getting the purple heart. Some of these members were not recommended for purple hearts, others were by commanders and denied by the services. One particular incident a Staff Sergeant had a purple heart given by the secretary of the army and someone several weeks later came along and took it off his chest. Stephen why was it taken off . Said they erroneously issued it. Stephen because the event was not supposed to have happened . Thats the question i have been asking them for many months. Stephen what about medical care . These soldiers, i understand that sometimes doctors were not told that theyd encountered chemical weapons for secrecy reasons. Some are secrecy reasons. Some of these troops took time to manifest themselves, came to sick cal the day after. Since no one knew they were the secret of the battlefield the doctors were not anticipating the casualties and looked at other causes dehydration, sun burn, exhaustion. Stephen lactose intoll lance, something else. laughter as a result, did they not get proper medical care . Many did not. Some were neglected care. Stephen whats the pentagons response so far . The pentagons response is im not working in washington so i didnt walk into the pentagon but the pentagon essentially acknowledged the findings and ive heard theyre taking steps to make the troops who were exposed are treated well and theres some talk theyre going to look at the purple hearts and the soldiers who didnt receive them and trying to find if theres a Larger Population of exposed verpts to get them enrolled in care. Stephen thank you so much. C. J. Chivers, the secret casualties of iraqs abandoned chemical weapons. Chemical weapons. Well be right back. door bell rings trick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm what does an apron have to do with Car Insurance . An apron is hard work. An apron is pride in what you do. An apron is not quitting until youve made something a little better. What does an apron have to do with Car Insurance . For us, everything. They import intense juiciness from the land of intensity. Get this intense juiciness to starburst you know i will have a pleasant day thank you get back to work [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Stephen welcome back. Thank you so much cheers and applause audience chanting stephen thank you so much all right ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Have a seat. Nation, its medterm season and, earlier this week, i gave you complete coverage of one of the most explosive races the contest in florida between republican incumbent governor rick scott and democratic former governor Charlie Crist. Last night, the two were scheduled to face off in a debate. It was an opportunity for these gubernatorial candidates to show voters who is more natorialgubery. laughter and this being florida, right off the bean, things got very florida. laughter we want to take a shot of the stage here at bailey hall in broward county, and as you can see, the two candidates, who were invited to take part in this debate, right now are not stepping up on the stage. laughter ladies and gentlemen, we have an extremely peculiar situation right now. We have governor Charlie Crist cheers and applause Florida Governor rick scott, our incumbent governor, and the republican county for governor is also in the building, governor rick scott. We have been told that Governor Scott will not be participating in this debate. laughter stephen thats right, only Charlie Crist was on stage giving cspan its most Dramatic Television moment since the cancellation of booknotes deathmatch. Folks, i was worried about my guy, republican governor and python on ecstasy, rick scott. laughter but he had an excellent reason for not being there. Governor crist has asked to have a fan, a small fan placed underneath his podium. The rules of the debate that i was shown by the Scott Campaign say that there should be no fan. Somehow theres a fan there. Governor crist, do the rules of the debate say that there should be no fan . Are we really going to debate about a fan, or are we going to talk about education and the environment and the future of our state . Stephen fan fan fan who cares about the environment or education . Its florida. Everyone needs a fan and im not alone in being a fan fan because, even though scott came out three minute later and they held a heated hourlong debate on a variety of topics, all anyone is talking about food is fangate laughter folks, clearly for scotts campaign, last night blew. And if you turn it in reverse, it sucked. cheering big fans of sucking here tonight. cheering but the whole thing was unfair. Now i dont blame crist for wanting to bring his own coolant. Based on that skin tone, id say his core temperatures around 450 degrees. laughter but why should crist get to cool himself with a fan, but scott isnt allowed to control his temperature by laying on a chilled rock . laughter meanwhile, both sides are still oscillating over whether the fan was a violation. Scotts campaign signed a rules document stating that candidates may not bring electronic devices, including fans. But crists campaign added, with understanding that the debate hosts will address any temperature issues with a fan if necessary, all of which is just splitting hairs. Which is also unfair to rick scott. laughter but the fan wasnt rick scotts only objection last night. He had an even better reason for not taking the stage. Governor scott, why the delay in coming out over a fan . I waited to be until we figured out if he was gonna show up. He said he wasnt going to come to the uh he was he said he wasnt gonna come to the debate. So why come out until hes ready . Stephen right, he was just waiting in the wings for seven minutes to figure out whether the guy on stage was gonna come to the debate. laughter bottom line, as much as i wish it wasnt true, last night in miami, rick scott was. Blown away. laughter cheers and applause stephen whoo well be right back. Introducing york minis. A bite size new way to enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. New, york minis, get the sensation. [ female announcer ] your favorite coffeemate Seasonal Flavors are back. Fa la la la, fa la la la and theyre as delicious as ever. So add coffeemate peppermint mocha to your favorite time of the year. Coffeemate. Seasons perfect mate. Try new nestle toll house creamers from coffeemate. The taste you love baked into every cup. Nestle. Good food. Good life. The taste you love baked into every cup. Has the power to captivate. Thats why shakira uses. Crest 3d white with whitelock technology. Removing up to ninety percent of surface stains, and locking out future stains. So your smile always steals the show. And to get even faster whitening, use this collection. For a whiter smile in just 2 days. Crest 3d white. Life opens up with a whiter smile. cheers and applause stephen well come back, everybody my guest tonight is author, William Deresiewicz good to see you is it dr. Deresiewicz, ph. D. . It is, you can call me bill. Stephen fine. Dr. Bill, thank you for being here. Youre contributing effort for the new republic and the American School lar. You taught yale ten years, before that graduate instructor at columbia university. You have a new book called excellent sheep, the miseducation of the american elite and the way to a meaningful life. Right. Stephen okay. That title is as long as the doctorate, okay. laughter i hope that kind of went through peer review. Yeah. Stephen so what do you mean the miseducation of the american elite . Are you saying like i believe schools arent what theyre cracked up for . Theyre not what theyre cracked up to be. Theyre supposed to be training a wonderful Leadership Class. Reporter youre not an Ivy League Guy . I am. Stephen why is the book saying, dont go to those Ivy League Schools let me pull out that ladder behind you, must be in your way have a great time laughter if we hadnt worked there, you would say, what do you guys know . Weve seen what goes on in the sausage factory, weve seen how the elite are produced. Stephen how are they produced . Im an elite myself. I went to dar dartmouth, my fri. I didnt know that. Stephen yeah. What matters is what do kids have to do to get there. Stephen my grandfather had to build a building. Thats not how it works. Stephen really . They jump through one hoop through another to become perfectionist and formist and do not think for themselves or direct their own lives or do what they want to do after college and the colleges do nothing but get in the way. We have kids who are not great at figuring out whats going to give them a sense of meaning and purpose in their life, make them the leaders the colleges are supposedly preparing to do, the leaders we have to live with. Weve seen this basically massive failure in the Leadership Class in the last 10, 15, 20, 30 years, that these schools are creating. Stephen im a leader. Youre a leader. Whats the failure of the leadership . We are exceptions, stephen. audience reacts stephen so were okay. Were okay. But if you look at banks, corporations, schools, nonprofits. Theyre not serving society as a whole because its all about what you can do for yourself. Thats the whole idea about getting into the schools, high status, high wealth. What about serving society as a whole. Stephen how should kids if its not working hard in high school and conforming to the expectations of society and then corruption when youre at brown or columbia and then sliding yourself into wall street and doing your thing there and making tons of cash and going off to, like, your cabin on the weekend. And do what your peers want you to do. Stephen i hear no answers, just a lot of blame laughter what are the answers . What are the answers, bill . Forget about what everybody else wants you to do, start to listen to yourself, start to read, to think, take time off, take time away from the system, step outside of the bubble, start to tune in to what stephen did you do that . Repeatedly. Stephen when did you do that . I spent four years after college before i figured out what i really wanted to do because i didnt do the right things in college, because i didnt shut out all the messages everybody else was giving me. I majored in the wrong thing. Maybe i went to the wrong college myself. In the end, it was a longer process than it needed to be. Stephen what was your major . A biopsychology major. Stephen biopsychology do you get to write yourself your own prescriptions . Its what i thought i could do. My dad was a scientist and immigrant. He pushed me in that direction. I should have been an english major. I did a ph. D. In english because i figured out thats what i needed to do to make me happy to feel like i was contributing. Stephen doesnt matter what makes dad happy. Hes an immigrant youre breaking my heart youre breaking my heart i am so disappointed if your, billy we didnt come to this country for you to smoke pot and play mad in your dorm room you know what . I think i broke his heart, too, but sometimes thats what you have to do because youre living your life and not your parents lives. Stephen i certainly hope my children arent watching this right now. You do exactly what i say at all times applause thank you so much, William Deresiewicz. 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Eat fresh. cheers and applause stephen whats cooler tan being cool . cheers and applause cheers and applause im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine my Little Brothers trying to follow me to school again zeepoo nonner. Ike, you cant come to school with me [ giggling ] yeah, go home, you little dildo dude, dont call my brother a dildo whats a dildo . I dont know. And ill bet cartman doesnt know, either