Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141031 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause whooo whooo whooo whooo audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us in here, out there, all around the world how you doing, everybody . Whooo cheers and applause welcome to the report. Nation, nation, i am so glad, i am so glad you are here tonight because the world is swept up in the gripping news story about the threat of ebola. But i talked about that on monday, so ive done my part. Lets move on. laughter to a much bigger story me. You see cheers and applause folks, this past tuesday, my book america again rebecoming the greatness we never werent, was released in paperback. cheers and applause if you did not get this book before, get it now. And if you did get it before, get it now. Because this book is perfect for longtime fans, or firsttime viewers who are wondering, who is this colbert guy . All your questions are answered in here, starting with, has he written a book . Youll have to buy it to find out. Of course, for the millions of you who already own a hardcover cover of america again, you should still buy the paperback version because it makes a wonderful bookmark. applause and, folks, there is an even cheers theres an even more important reason for you to buy my book because on december 18, my show is ending. Audience no stephen i know, i know, i know, but, folks, folks, after nine years, i am taking a wellearned vacation. Though im not sure where yet. Ill have to talk to my travel agent. Where am i going, grimmy . laughter okay, fire. So some place warm . laughter some place warm with goat horns. Greece opa applause thanks, buddy. There are so few good travel agents left. The point is, stephen colbert, the guy youve seen here every night for nine years, will be gone. And all youll have left all youd have left of me is this book. So pick up america again in paperback for a loved one, or for a hated one. Go to your local independent bookstore, because i have a longtime war against amazon, and i will never relent. cheers and applause or, or, buy it on amazon because, you know, just buy it. Nation, the midterms are less than just under a week away, and like me, the American People could not be more excited about this election. A lot of people dont care about midterms. More than twothirds of voters will stay home on this election day. Even anecdotally, people who were lifelong, very involved in politics this year, are just like, im over it. Does anybody care . Not really. Just 15 say they were following the midderm elections. The midterms theyre coming up. You know, the midterms. I can see you yawning. Stephen i wasnt yawning. I was saying yaaaay for the midterms. All that hasnt come cheap. The midterms are the most expensive ever, costing 4 billion, and nobody is watching. Its like the loan ranger of elections. I think i have found the way, the perfect way to reinvigorate our election process. Laf night, i was up watching cnn i ran out of ambien. laughter and after watching them yammer on about how nobody cares about the midterms, i flipped over to a rerun of star trek, a classic episode called a taste of armageddon. Episode 23, season 1. cheers yeah, oh, yeah. The good old days, back before kirks mission was to traflt universe negotiating cheap airline tickets. Now, huge star trek fans like me, or as we call ourselves, starries, know that in this episode the enterprise is sent to establish relations with eminar vii, a society that has deemed conventional warfare too destructive and conventional hats too notpointy. Instead they have a computer simulate war and then calculate the number of dead. Citizens reported as killed must submit themselves for termination by walking into a disintegration booth. In the end, kirk convinces these societies to live in peace all for the noble purpose of boning an alien. This episode, this episode about two bitterly opposed factions determined to destroy the other reminded me of the midterms. Think of parallels nobody want themselves to happen. Theyre costing a ton of money, and im pretty sure Louie Gohmert is ferreningy. Id say folks, say instead of the destructive mess of an election, lets have computers simulate all the our elections from now on, and select the winners. Now, im sure many of you are saying stephen that sounds great, but what about the 4 billion . Dont worry. Well still piss that stuff away. laughter because every election cycle, the computers will order huge piles of money to report directly to the disintegration machine. It will save time. You wont have to watch any campaign ads or Pay Attention to the politics. The only downside is that chuck todd will have to go back to his previous job as punxsutawney phil. laughter and, folks, i have taken i have taken the initiative of building my own machine behold, the disinteporter 6700. The machine is loaded with a pile of 100 bills, and i, i will now disinteporter the money. Which means you will either disintegrate or teleport some place else. Im not sure. I lost the owners manual. Either way, either way, folks, the money will be gone, but i cant watch. Because during the course of this episode, i boned that money. And. cheers dont do it, Stephen Stephen george takei. What are you doing in there . Im not sure. I was in the elevator on my way to zabars when i ended up here. But, i overheard your plan and its madness. Dont do it, stephen. Stephen but, george, this will solve all of our election problems and no one will get hurt. Stephen, democracy is a sacred trust. Yes, its a messy business but the will of the people must not be abdicated to a machine. Only by engaging more deeply in the issues and voting your conscience can we hope to move beyond the eternal gridlock that threatens to destroy our society. No matter how bleak things may seem, you have the power to change them. Do your duty as an american, and as a citizen of the galaxy, vote. cheers and applause . Stephen i gotta say, i gotta say, those are powerful words. And disintegrate. Oh, my. Watch my documentary to be takei, available in itunes. cheers and applause well be right back. cheers and applause . Stephen become back, everybody. Nation once again, if you watch the news, you know what im talking about. If you know the news, you know that barack obama is once again failing to protect our borders. Countless latinoids are mexican hat dancing right in to steal our jobs. Luckily, we have outsmarting them by hiding those jobs in china. laughter and the newest immigration cries comes from women and what theyre doing south of the lady border. The business just passed a the Obama Administration just passed a new measure allowing babies of nonamericans but born from american surrogates to get u. S. Passports. Foreign children and their parents will get access to american education, health care, welfare, and retirement services. Somebody whisper that in the womb. Stephen yes, nonamerican babies born to americans will now be able to get u. S. Citizenship. Somebody whisper that in the womb. But first, press the bellybutton twice for english. And its all because this week, the department of Homeland Security expanded the definition of mother to include qem who gave birth to the child, regardless of whether they are the genetic mothers, all to accommodate women using Assistive Reproductive Technology such as in vitro fertilization. Previously, if an American Woman pregnant with an anonymous donor egg had her baby in, say, london, children would not be a u. S. Citizen, dooming it to a lifetime of british cuisine. I for one do not think babies should be drinking warm beer. Now, i dont know what any of this really means, but i think we all know what this really means. If feels like an expansion of the definition of motherhood, just like we expand the definition of gender and other things. When its surrogate, youre not genetically the childs mother. Got it. So theres no american genetics involved at all. Exactly. This is what we do to create citizens in a country. Youre not passing on the civic duty, the understanding of america. It just feels like a total erosion . Erosion. Stephen its a total erosion, because we all know that citizenship is genetic, and as a christian, i believe american begins at conception. I mean, uterusa uterusa uterusa uterusa oh, that looks good. Nation, i gotta say im scared this law could ipspire a whole generation of american women trying to cash in by moving abroad and carrying anchor zygotes. And, yes, that may sound bat bleep crazy to most people, but most people are not these people. Are you going to have american women around the world trying to make a buck off this . So what if that surrogate mom who is an american decides well you know what . Im kind of selling citizenship here. 120 grand aint going to cut it. Let me get that puppy up to a quarter million. Is that taxable income . Good point. Is that taxable income . Or can the baby write off your womb as a home office . But, folks, there is a bright side to this fallopian loophole. As you know, i have already helped millions procreate with my exclusive line of premium manseed, Stephen Colberts formula 401. But cheers and applause if theres this much money to be made in u. S. D. A. Certified american eggs, then daddy wants in. Thats why tonight i am proud to unveil my new product, coals formula poach premium manegg. I know what youre saying. Men are not supposed to ovulate. Theyre also not supposed to eat as much edmamie as i do. Folks, use both of those products and you are guaranteed an american baby. Since my seed and these egg comes with full documentation of citizenship because i produce both while having my passport photo taken. Well be right back. cheers and applause guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. Deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. The First Addition in the new guinness discovery series. Discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. New guinness blonde american lager. Helps you find a whole range andof coverages. Ur price tool no one else gives you options like that. [voice echoing] no one at all no one at all no one. Wake up [gasp] oh you okay, buddy . I just had a dream that progressive had this thing called. The name your price tool. It isnt a dream, is it . Nope. Sorry you know that thing freaks me out. He can hear you. He didnt mean that, kevin. Kevin yes, he did keeping our competitors up at night. Now, thats progressive. [ highpitched ] nailed it [ normal voice ] youre right, that was really easy. I know, i told you so. On progressive. Com, you can compare our progressive direct rates with our competitors rates, so shopping is easy. You dont sound like flo. [highpitched] yeah, i do. [ clears throat ] who you talking to . [ normal voice ] what . Whats on your hand . Noth my wedding ring. [chuckles] symbol of our love and understanding. Comparing rates for you. Now thats progressive. [ highpitched ] nailed it [driver] started my camry. Picked up someone i hadnt seen in far too long. Went somewhere wed both never been. Did something weve both never done. And was reminded that the most important things in life arent things, theyre people. The bold new camry. One bold choice leads to another. Toyota. Lets go places. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is english. I will interview him in his native tongue. Please welcome david miliband. cheers and applause mr. Miliband, thank you so much for being here. Good to be here. Stephen cheers as we say. Cheers. Stephen where Everybody Knows your name. Youre the fommer british secretary. Youre my first cabinet secretary to come over here. Thank you. Its an honor. Thank you very much. Stephen who put you in the job . The Prime Minister was gordon brown at the time. Stephen good guy . Good guy. Stephen thats like our secretary of state. You dont have to say mr. Secretary. Stephen i dont have to say it. You have to say madam secretary when Hillary Clinton is here. Youre c. E. O. Of the rescue committee and you recently returned from west africa. And the incubation for ebola my understanding is 21 days. How many days ago did you return from liberia . 20. laughter well shake hands again. Stephen no, no. All right. Uhm why hasnt Governor Cuomo clapped you in iron and stuffed you in a hefty bag and hung you off the George Washington bridge . Are you communicable right now . Im not communicable, communicating ebola to you, if thats what youre asking. Stephen that is what im asking. Im absolutely safe. Stephen were you helping patients there . My organization has been in sierra leone and liberia for 15 years helping people displaced by war and conflict, about 35 countries around the world. There was civil war in sierra leone and liberia. Thank goodness we are here. The ebola virus is very, very dangerous, killed at least 5,000 people. The situation there is many times worse than the official figures suggest. Stephen but why should we let guys like you who go over there to help those people and thats great to go over there and help those people about why should we let you back into western countries that dont have ebola. Arent you a disease vector now . Im not. Its a reasonable question and let me answer why. I didnt go there to see patient pips went there to meet our staff, to support the work theyre doing to, neat the governments there, talk about what theyre doing, so i could come back here and give people the real facts about the situation. Which is that while the situation there is many times worse than the official figures suggest, the situation here is completely different, and many times better than the general level of hysteria that youve heard in the media and elsewhere. Stephen now that youre in the United States and youve seen our situation here, how long before we can go back outside and go bowling and stuff like that . laughter . I would love to go bowling with you. Give me the day. Stephen we cant go bowling because the guy in new york he went bowling here in new york. He did, he went ebowling. He went ebowling and i cant put my hand over that little blower. He didnt leave any ebola in the bowling ball. I can assure you that. Stephen is this all you guys do is ebola . What is your focus . Our focus is wherever there is war, conflicts and disaster we go there within 72 hours to help on health, education, water and san tairkz and eventually, because these civil wars go on for years, help people with economic livelihood to stand on their own feet in the midst of terrible conflicts. And im very, very proud that we got 12,000 staff around the world, americans, but also mainly people from those countries, whether its helping with education in afghanistan, whether its getting medical supplies into syria. These are local people who were employing to make a difference in the most wartorn, most vulnerable, the most dangerous parts of the world. cheers and applause . Stephen what is the most wartorn, most dangerous part of the world right now . At the moment its syria. Its a country of 22 Million People. 10. 6 Million People have been displaced from their homes. Three million refugees in the neighboring countries. In jordan, your second closest ally in the region, country of six Million People, over a million refugees. Thats like the whole of britain coming to america. Just imagine stephen they tried that and we kicked their ass. Exactly. applause stephen globally, how many refugees are there out there right now . Every four secondaise person is displaced from their home, whether inside their own country or over a border, 52 Million People last year. A world record. World record. Stephen what if they all converted to judaism . Doesnt israel have to take them . The tragedy it is a lot are left in refugee camps, in urban areas, left in limbo. Theyre almost left without a future at all and our job is to make sure we give them a modicum of dignity, we help them survive. We help them try and gain some control over their shattered lives. Stephen that sounds like it could be a dangerous job at times. Its very dangerous. And the courage, one of the most inspiring things that ive seen over last year, ive been in this job for about a year, the most inspiring thing is the courage of our front line workers who say even when their colleagues have been killed, weve had tragically earlier this year in south sudan, the famine situation on the horizon, we had two people killed, two of our staff killed, even though they were inside a u. N. Compound. And i went to visit some of the survivors, and the a woman in charge of our team in south sudan had just come back from visiting her family in uganda, and she said to me, im determined to come back because these people here deserve some help. And thats the kind of people who are working for us. And thats the kind of people i think make a difference around the world. Stephen well, if you do decide to run for president of the United States, you have my support. Will the colbert nation become part of rescue nation . Stephen or thats an interesting thing. The show is ending in december. The colbert nation needs something to do. What if they became part of rescue nation . Tag up at the i. R. C. , visit rescue. Org, the web site, join the effort to really make a difference around the world. Stephen thank you, david. David miliband, International Rescue committee. Well be right back. Thank you. cheers and applause the exhilaration of a new engine. Painstakingly engineered without compromise. 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