Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141117 : vimarsana.

Were going to have to show that we have ideas, that we are going topaz legislation and try to fix obamacare. Stephen yes, after more than 50 votes against obamacare, the republican majority is now promising to fix the law. Just like when you try to murder someone 50 times, as and it doet work, so you buy them a gym membership. And they have a great starting point for health care reformreform. Well take on obamacare regulations that threaten the 40hour work week. Lets put on his desk things like restore the 40hour work week. The loss of 40hour work week, big, big, mistake. That ought to be restored. We must take action and restore the traditional 40hour work week. Stephen yes, restore the traditional fourhour work week as god intended when he clocked out at five whether or not the oceans were done. Thats why flounder looks so weird. Congress might not have to fix this wreck because it might have wrecked itself. Opponents of obamacare have another opportunity to say, i told you so. The incendiary remarks by one of obamacares chief architects, m. I. T. Economics professor jonathan gruber. He made it explicit that sick people get money it would not have passed. He claims obamacare was intentionally written in a tortured way to hide the taxes that would have killed the bill. Stephen aha i knew it. Obamacare is funded by taxes, unlike every other part of the federal government. I mean, Everybody Knows the f35 Fighter Jet Program is paid for with candy sales. laughter and just listen to why they thought they could get away with this. Lack of transparency say huge political advantage, and basically, call it the stupidity of the American Voter or whatever, but basically, that was really, ready critical to get the thing to pass. Stephen the stupidity of the American Voter. Professor gruber just delivered a death blow to obamacare in what im calling the zagruber film. And im not the only one out there who is offended. Just ask South Carolina congressman and guy who put his wig on backwards. cheers and applause trey gowdy. I would say this to the to the professor. Put down the cognac, and the loss writings of j. D. Salinger. If you want to see how stupid our fellow citizens are, take a look at last tuesday night. Stephen yes, if you want to see how stupid americans are, just look at who they elected last tuesday. cheers and applause in your face. These are smart guys. What are you doing wasting time on salingers lost stories . The only good one is a girl i knew. If you want to make it through hapworth 16 youre going to need something stronger than cognac. Of course, i dont have to tell you, democrat democrats are, le. Fox will do it for me. The entire process of getting this passed was all predicated on manipulating, lying to the American People because they knew they couldnt get it passed any other way. They new exwoou this kind of stuff the whole time, they giew exwoou it, and they agreed with gruber that is not the type of thing you could talk about publicly because it would kill the bill. Do you think they gave a rats you know what . They got what they wanted. Stephen contemptuous democrats looked down on people and thought what a pathetic horde of dullards. Lets give them health care. Whereas. cheers and applause its shameful. Its shameful. For shame. Whereas, republicans respected the voters intelligence by telling them the death panels would grind up your grandma to make glue. And professor numb nuts here wasnt even the worst thing to happen to obamacare this week, because on fridays the Supreme Court agreed to hear yet another legal challenge that could kill the law. Its like the old saying the wheels of justice grind slowly, but eventually theyll run over sick people. laughter now, the last two times i declared obamacare dead, i dropped balloons, and twerked on the grim reaper. cheers and applause . But, folks, looking back cheers and applause looking back, i think that was a little immature. So tonight, were going it slow dance. Jimmy . I just close my eyes and im with you. And all that i so want to give you. Is only a heartbeat away you cannot you cannot blame guy for trying. cheers and applause oh i love i love watching you walk away. laughter now, folks, of course, there is a very good reason millions of people may lose their health insurance. Clumsy semantics. You see, in the case king v. Burwell, the plaintiffs argue that since the exact word of the law say subsidies are intended for those who are enrolled in through an exchange established by the state, subsidies cannot be available on the healthcare. Gov exchange. So it all comes down to a few sloppy, illconsidered words, and for once, theyre not joe bidens. So bottom line, this law is dead, and i will brook no descent on the issue. Here to for to my brook is the colbert report Senior Analyst and employed by the New York Times magazine, emily bazelon. Emily, thank you so much for being back. Good to see you again. All right, emily, is this a death knell for obama . Obamacare. No, there should not be. There are plenty of reasons when you read the 900page Affordable Care act as a whole, the words you single out need to be read in such a way that allow subsidies for people who enroll in the federally created exchanges. Stephen okay, but i didnt single it out. The case singled it out. The Supreme Court is hearing the case. They must think theyre pretty important words. The words say, through a state. A state is not federal government, right . A state is not the federal government. Stephen okay, thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Diwin . Did i just win . No, you didnt win, because the irs is the agency who has the power to interpret the law upon. I know its not your Favorite Agency stephen its no ones Favorite Agency. Its still the i. R. S. job, and the i. R. S. Says were reading this law as a whole coherently. In context, it is clear that state exchanges set up by the federal government theyre still state exchanges can still give people these subsidies. Courts are supposed to defer to agencies, the i. R. S. reading of the law, mott naik it up themselves. Stephen so lets just imagine for a moment that the whistling past the graveyard youre doing will not work. Okay. Stephen stephen they rule in favor of the people who say you cant get money through the federal exchanges. What happens to the law then . The law could go into a death spiral, as you were saying before, because millions of people signed up through federally run exchanges are receiving subsidies. There are people who are required to sign up for health insurance, want health insurance, presumably, but they cant afford to pay for it on their own. So the Supreme Court would be stripping from them all the money allowing these millions of people to have health care, effectively taking health care from millions of people. Stephen but doesnt that reflect the will of the people . Because last tuesday, the American People voted, and they said with a single voice, no health care, thanks. laughter . Well, no, no, because congress did pass obamacare. Its hard to remember now, but congress stephen i dont, actually. I dont, actually. Congress passed obamacare. And while the past congress tried stephen but we dont know what they meant. If only those people were still alive to ask them what they meant. But we do have those people and not a single one of them have said they intended to restrict subsidies to staterun exchanges. They all say no. Everyone is supposed to get these subsidies. Every Single Person who voted for that law. Stephen will that have anything to do with the Supreme Courts ruling on this . Well, that depends on whether congressional intent, this idea of looking at what legislators were trying to do, has any weight with the justices. Stephen sotomayor and kagan and breyer, all those guys, they all the liberal justices, i happen ton that at one time or another, they have been sick, so shouldnt they have to recuse themselves . You think theyre the only ones who have been sick . Stephen scalia has never been sick a day in his life. No, you eat that much prosciutto, nothing can live inside of you. cheers and applause . What happens . So if they rule against the obamacare thing, if the itself exchanges arent able to give any money, is there anything they can do after that . Can the supporters of obamacare appeal to the Justice League or the the legion of doom our the at vengers or anything like that. They could appeal to congress. Congress could fix this very easily. But do you think congress is really going to do that . Stephen no. Emily, thank you so much for joining me. Emily bazelon, the New York Times magazine. Well be right back. Thai. Whats that . Subway big hot pastrami. Pastrame . No, pastrame. Pastrame laughs pastrame pastramee pastrameee pastrameeee pastrameeeee pastrami get your own subway big hot pastrami melt. A monument to flavor loaded with dryrubbed, peppercrusted beef, mustard and pickles. Subway. Eat fresh. Ever since we launched snapshot, my life has been positively craycray. Whats snapshot, you ask . Only a revolutionary tool that can save you bigtime. Just plug it in, and the better you drive, the more cash youll stash. Switching to progressive can already save ye 500. Snapshot could save ye even more. Meat maiden bringeth to me thine spiciest wings of buffalo. Rich, chewy caramel rolled let me know if this gets too hot rolo. Get your smooth on. 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[ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, i try not to repeat myself, but i have long warned you, i have long warned you about the scourge of gay marriage. Well, yesterday, it manonmanaged to spread to the place i care about the the most. A groundbreaking riewlings as South Carolina becomes the 33rd state in the nation to recognize samesex marriage. cheers and applause . A federal judge in South Carolina striking down that states ban on samesex marriage. The judge in South Carolina ruled that states ban was unconstitutional. Stephen a federal judge has ruled that South Carolina must recognize gay marriage . That is outrageous when did South Carolina start recognizing the federal government . cheers and applause folks, i knew this would happen. Folks as a native son of the palmetto state, am deeply disturbed. This is the worst thing that has happened to South Carolina since someone found mark sanford. applause this ruling is a surrender to the gay agenda, or as we call it, the war of samesex aggression. The next thing you know, the flag flying on our State Capitol grounds will look like this. And, folks, it is the stars and bars, not the stars and gay bars. , of course, in all of this, there is one person i feel most for here me. laughter pause soutbecause stowrk is whei traditionally married my female wife woman, lorraine. As god intended. And as was the only legal option at the time. laughter sent, years later, years after i have spent with my beautiful bride, all of that seems like a total waste. I mean i i would i have gotten gay married if i could at the time . , of course, not. Did i have someone in mind . Whos asking . Was it brad . Does he ever mention me . I, for one, will never forgive this activist judge who brought gay marriage to my state and whose name will live in infamy, richard gergel. In fact, i would be shocked if after this scandalous gay marriage ruling anyone in South Carolina ever named their child dick gergel. Because you, sir, you, have forever tarnished the reputation of our fair state cheers and applause you have forever tarnished the reputation of our state, which says a lot because South Carolina has done some bleep . Well be right back. They say back in the day. Professional athletes didnt play for the money. Nor did they play for fame. They played for the love of the game. Im here to say. Some things havent changed. So far, youre horribleht. Oat this, flo. Use and a car yeah, no talent for drawing, flo. House car oh, raise the roof no one . Remember when we used to raise the roof, diane . Oh, quiet, richard, im trying to make sense of flos terrible drawing. Ill draw the pants off that thing. Oh, oh, hats on hamburgers dancing drivein Movie Theater home and auto. Lamp squares. Stupid, dumb. Lines. [ alarm rings ] no home and auto bundle from progressive. Saves you money. Yay, game night, so much fun. Waiter yep. New gingerbread french toast and pumpkin pancakes. But theyre only around for a limited time. Girl can i still get it if im on the naughty list . Waiter, chuckling i think youll be fine. [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys stephen welcome bark everybody. My guest tonight is the star of the can the hunger games. As the host, the odds are ever in my favor. Please welcome jennifer lawrence. cheers and applause . Hey, jennifer. Thank you so much for being here. cheers nice to meet you. Wow. Stephen lovely to have you here. Thank you. Stephen everyone is excited, as you can see. cheers okay stephen for those under a rock, youre the oscar and golden globewinning actress best known for winters bone Silver Linings playbook, and, of course, the hunger games franchise. cheers and applause . So the next one is called help me out here . Mockinged jay, part 1. Stephen because it is the third installment in the rare fourpart tril gee. Dont trick me with math. Stephen ill trite trinot to. Youre such a success at such a young age. Youre 24 arizona old, right . Yes. Stephen a could of oscars. One. Stephen you should have gotten two. You were ripped off. But at this point, at 24, you could just start phoning it in right now. laughter because things are going so well. Have you ever thought of pulling the rip cord and go im done at 24. I have a feeling it will happen for me. I feel like i dont have to do that. Im constantly waiting for everything to fall apart. Stephen no, no, no. You could ride this for a long time. Youre in the, in memoryam reel at this point. Every time my phone rings im like, its over. Stephen im pulling the rip cord in 16 more shows. What say you and i drop out audience ooooh stephen it will be fun. The two of us will go fight crime together. Okay, yeah. Stephen no one will know. Well wear little masks. Lets talk about the new movie and you, because katniss everdean, arent you like her a little bit . Youre from kentucky. Isnt that a little district 12ian place . Theres coal mining there. There is coal mining. I never volunteered for anything in my life. Stephen no one forced you to come here, i hope. Especially this. Stephen all right. But you were a normal person. I was. Stephen well i was and then everything changed. And now im made of rubber. Stephen do things bounce off of . Oh, my god. Nothing go. Stephen really . No, yeah, no, i grew up in kentucky, i mean, not skinning squirreles. Actually, i have skia squirrel before. I cant even say that. Stephen you just caught yourself in a lie. I was like jennifer, you be eating squirrel chili. Stephen i think we meade news. But you were kind of plucked from obscurity at a young expainl now youre a hero to a lot of people. Do you identify with your character at all . No, its so dangerous to say that, because she is leading a rebellion to change the world. But i need a new juje. Stephen what is a juje . A juje is a hair fluff. High hair person is probably freaking out right now for me touching it. Stephen okay, so how did you how how did you prepare for this role . Did you have to actually did you do a ridealong . Did you kill anybody with a bow and arrow . Yeah, i did a ridealong with a lot of rebels that were fighting. Stephen do you actually know how to use a bow and arrow . I do, yeah, i took eye cant remember anymore how many months of archery, but a lot of months of archery for the first movie, and less for the second movie. Stephen and the third movie is just all c. G. I. Exactly. Thats it exactly. Stephen did you hold your hand and they put the bow in . And then people die on screen. Were laughing but thats actually kind of exactly how it went. laughter stephen you know, i dont want to give away any spoilers, but there a motheringjay part 2 . Well see how this one goes . Theyll go straight to three. Yeah, there is a mockinged jay part 2. Stephen we have a clip of mockinged jay part one. There has been rampant speculation about what really happened in the quart quell, and here to shed a little light on the subject for us is a very special guest. Please welcome mr. Peeta mellark. Peeta, a lot of people feel as though they are in the dark. Yeah, yeah, i know how they feel. So set the stage for us. Talk us through. What really happened on that final and controversial night . First off, you have to understand that when youre in the games, you only get one wi wish. Its very costly. Youre alive. Stephen oh, my god cheers and applause does the movie have a happy ending where all the poor people accept lowpaying jobs and no unions . laughter close. And a lot of people are dead. But all in all stephen other than that . Upbeat. Stephen very upbeat. Yeah. Stephen as such a nice person youre nope as a nice, normal person. Whats it like do you have a plan to freak out . Im going postal. Stephen we could plan your double play ward spiral right now if you want. We cook pick the drug and the crime. All right. Stephen how about crystal meth and boosting cars. Oh, bad for the skin. Stephen last question, people call you jlaw, do you like that nickname gidont mind it. Its actually been my nickname since elementary school. Stephen really. Not even elementary school, but middle school. Stephen are your mom and dad mlaw and blaw . Yeah, were a pretty cool family. Stephen well, jlaw, thank you so much for joining us. And good luck with your coming downward spiral. Jennifer, thank you so much. Jennifer lawrence, the hunger games mocking jay part 1, opens nexted from. Well be right back. Thank you. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth, milk chocolate. Let me know if this gets too hot rolo. Get your smooth on. Fifteen percent or more fifon car insurance. D save you Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know certain cartoon characters should never have an energy drink . Action blahbechtblah blublublubblah geico®. Introducing the birds of america collection. Fifty stunning, handpainted plates, commemorating the state birds of our proud nation. Blahbechtblah blublublubblah geico®. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Which means its time for the volkswagen gnthendrive event. For practically just your signature, you could drive home for the holidays in a germanengineered volkswagen. Like the sporty, advanced new jetta. And the 2015 motor trend car of the year allnew golf. If youre wishing for a new volkswagen is season. Just about all you need is a finely tuned. Pen. Hurry in and get zero due at signing, zero down, zero deposit, and zero first months payment on select new volkswagen models. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine okay, children, lets take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country,