Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141119 : vimarsana.

[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Here it is our your moment of sen. These falling temperatures can be tough on drivers taofpl. Theyre coming down here. There goes another one, oh gosh slow the heck down, people. Comel captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org eagle caw captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen tonight, obama goes it alone on immigration because there are no other democrats left in washington. Then a victory in class warfare you will never guess which 1 came out on top. And my guest, eva longoria, is here with a new documentary about lowwage farm workers. Or as i call them, lettuce interns. Josee canseco is selling his amputated finger on ebay because, thanks to steroids, hes already grown a new one. This is the colbert report. cheers and applause eagle caw cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome to the report. audience chanting stephen thank you for joining us. cheers and applause weve got to do this first. Thanks so much for being here, everybody. The show will start in just one minute. The show will start in just one minute. Im sure if youre watching this, you know a big freeze is moving in all over the country. Im just putting down some salt. Dont need a lawsuit on my hands. And some pepper. cheers and applause cuz the weather outside is frightful. 200 million americans are in the middle of the cold snap today. 50 of the country blanketed in snow. This Minnesota Lake turned to solid ice a rare prethanksgiving deep freeze. Freezing temperatures in all 50 states. Stephen all 50. Even hawaii where aloha now means hello, goodbye, and my nipples could slice pineapple. And do not confuse this cold snap with last years polar vortex. Its completely different. The recordbreaking polar plunge. Polar plunge. Stephen polar plunge, which is not just a rockin new flavor of capri sun. No, its something even better a reason to ignore global warming. While the president focuses on global warming, more brutally cold weather is hitting across much of the country again today. The prevailing sentiment is weve got to fight global warming. Were freezing. We have record cold. Were not in global warming. Just fix it in your mind, folks. Stephen hes right. When it comes to global warming, fix it in your mind. cuz were not going to fix it in realty. cheers and applause stephen it is well known barack obama has been violating the constitution for years. Well, now he wants to roll it up, stuff it with rice and beans, and top it with picante sauce. A source tells fox news as early as next week, president obama is planning to announce a tenpart plan to overhaul immigration policy through executive action. President obama vowing to go it alone on immigration. He plans to pass executive action immigration amnesty just by himself, without congress. Stephen yeah, how dare he take executive action to address immigration, by himself . He should be working with congress, to do nothing, together. Even worse, the rumor is hes going to overhaul the immigration system through fiat. Fiat . If anything goes wrong you have to order new parts from italy. And just listen to whats in obamas plan. It would protect up to 5 million unauthorized immigrants from the threat of deportation and provide many of them with work permits. They get to stay and receive work permits now theyre coming for the jobs they already have the whole plan cheapens what it means to be an american. Because the department of Homeland Security would take 50 off the fee for the first 10,000 applicants. 50 off. Obamas tossing american citizenship in the bargain bin with the stale halloween candy and unbagged underwear. Plus, obamas going to expand visas for foreignborn workers with hightech skills. Why foreigners . Americans already have plenty of hightech skills. Like operating an iphone to contact a call center in india. Well, thank god this plan leaked because now Congressional Republicans can stop it. Were going to fight the president tooth and nail if he continues down this path. This is the wrong way to govern. Our goal here is to stop the president from violating his own oath of office and violating the constitution. Its not to shut down the government. We are looking at all options. They are on the table. Stephen you hear that, obama . All options are on the table lawsuits, impeachment, government shutdowns, boots on the ground, passiveaggressive notes on the fridge. But mostly, were talking about cash. If the president is going to try to usurp our authority in congress, i think we need to bite back and not give him the funds to do that. We will use the power of the purse to try to push back against his overactive bureaucracy. They should handle it through defunding what they can defund keeping back money from areas where he needs money to carry out these illegal actions. Stephen yes, the president is refusing to deport these illegals, so we must cut the funding to pay the immigration officers he wont need to not deport them. Its like when i was a kid and i refused to rake the yard, so as a punishment my parents wouldnt buy me a rake. Really taught me a lesson. To this day, i dont rake my yard. I pay luis to do it. I assume hes a citizen. I dont know. He doesnt speak english. And i pay him in cash. But how does the Latino Community feel . To find out what the grande hispanachinos think of all this, i turn one last time to my mexican colleague, Esteban Colberto hola, stephen bienvenidos a lacolberto reporto gigante stephen esteban, thank you for joining us. It is bittersweet the know that we are ending both of our shows. Si, es triste. Chicas, chicas. Es triste. Stephen so, my friend, everybody down in your neck of the desert must be thrilled with obama. President obama . Si se puede. Desconfiar de el. El lo ha prometido antes, la verdad es en el guacamole. Stephen so will this make latinos vote for democrats . No, votaran democrata porque Los Republicanos han estado pollas tan grandes. Nos llaman ilegales con soleos como melones, que parimos bebes anclas para robar beneficios sociales. Stephen yes, but what theyre trying to say is lo peor, dicen que nos gusta a ted cruz. Sabes a quien le gusta a ted cruz . Solo ted cruz. Stephen but if this plan goes into effect, will you be taking obamas immigrant handout . O si. Estoy solicitando una visa hi tech con mi maestria de ingenieria quimica. Stephen you can get those in mexico . Si. But i got mine from penn state. Stephen what the bleep . esteban, you speak english . yes. Stephen then why did you make me subtitle you for nine years . Como dicen los americanos, para mierdas y risitas. Stephen so this means youre coming to the United States . Tal vez. Pienso que me voy a china. Shanghai shien zai hen hong, yo stephen well, wherever you go, ill miss you. Me echaras de menos . O mis chicas . adioos muchachos stephen Esteban Colberto, everyone regresamos pronto. music hey slick, its me im a darwinist, brother, alright . Some prosper. Enjoy the picture, everyone . And some struggle. music tires screech grunt i thought you said you wasnt gonna hit me. music we had a deal we had paperwork une. Deux. Trois. My daddy was not nice to me traffic sounds gun clicks life is just one long mystery. Boom grand theft auto five out now on playstation 4. Rated m for mature. Playstation to us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. As strongbow hard] acider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. Ooh sabra. Mmm the best. Oh yeah that tight end is the best. Oh its the tightest. Excuse me. Um. You guys arent youre not sharing. [ fan 2 ] oh pass it. Just pass it hey guys, are we out . [ group cheering ] [ male announcer ] sabra hummus. Dip life to the fullest. Easy. Stephen welcome back. Nation, you cant spell judgment without u appearing before me. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger first up, folks, there is a lot of hunger in america. In 2012, more than one in seven u. S. House holds experienced food insecurity. That means they dont know where their next meal will come from. And i totally understand. Just last night, i couldnt decide whether to order italian or chinese. So i split the difference and ordered azerbaijani food. Of course, by the time i got it, my toyug plov was superdry. So, yeah, i know what its like out there. And though i support congress 800 million cut to our Food Stamp Program that obama signed this year, im not a monster. I wouldnt want any legitimately hungry person to starve. My heart goes out to societys truly underprivileged your loveable shoe shine boys, your photogenic waifs, your piecrazed hobos. Thats why i was so happy to learn about a trend thats turning one mans trash into another mans edible trash. Salvage stores like this one specialize in selling expired foods at greatly reduced prices. 75 of the grocery items sold here have best by or used by dates that have already expired. Damaged, dented, dated or discounted products that Grocery Stores wont sell, letting consumers get cuhrazy discounts. Stephen yes, cuhrazy discounts, so poor families can get suhhubsistence nutrition. Thats why im giving a tip of the hat to salvage stores for showing the least we can do for the hungry is less than any of us thought. Sure, it might seem sad to eat things that are expired or damaged, but this is america if you work hard and play by the rules, you will eventually earn the dignity of an intact box of triscuits. And dont think of it as eating discarded food. Those spaghettios are just being served aldented. Theyre perfectly probably safe. So youre welcome, americas hungry. Because this is as good as its gonna get. We just voted in the people who want more cuts. To these guys, expired prunes isnt a dangerous food product its their voter base. Next up, nation, you will recall that last night i finally made my peace with bear kind by getting me a piece of bear kind. He tasted like peppermint and old salmon. So i was saddened to hear that voters in maine have passed a Ballot Initiative preserving their right to hunt black bears with dayold jelly doughnut, chocolate cupcakes, twinkies and white bread. Thats right. In maine, you can hunt bears using expired twinkies. Though it means you will have to wait 300 years. Folks, this is deplorable and cruel to my new bear friend. If you lure a bear with a bear claw, youre tempting him into cannibalism so im giving a wag of the finger to maine for allowing the hunters to kill bears using junk food. Beware bears ask not for whom the ding dongs, it dongs for thee. Besides, there are people who could use that food. Forget going to the salvage stores, hungry americans. Maines just giving away jelly donuts in the woods and if you get caught in a bear trap while foraging for steal pastry, thats still good you can gnaw off your own leg. That is some delicious doughnutfed meat. Bonus you wont gain an ounce. Well be right back. Fact. When you take advil you get relief right at the site of pain. Wherever it is. Advil stops pain right where it starts. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil. Stephen wack wack my guest tonight has a new documentary about lowwage farm workers in florida. What a cruel life they have to live in florida. Please welcome eva longoria. cheers and applause thank you so much for being here. What a pleasure. I see you brought a vegetable to hurl at me. What if we here . Its a fair food tomato from florida. Stephen okay. A fair food tomato. You are an activist. You were named the philanthropist of the year. Yeah. Stephen why are you philanthoping up stead of being a celebrity. Country doesnt this take away from your red carpet time . Yes, but its for a good cause. The release of a document ricalled food chains is coming out, and its about the exploitation of labor in our farms in america. Stephen and you produced this . I produced the documentary. I thought you meant the tomato. Stephen no. No, i produced the documentary about farm workers. This is specifically about tomatoes and florida. Stephen how do i know you actually care about farm workers . Because youre an actress and, no offense, actors and actresses get paid to lie for a living. Yeah. Stephen to look like they they cared about things. I do think you cared about those other women on wisteria lane . I really dont. But when i watched the show, i was scared, cried. Your joyce were mine. You know. Yeah. Stephen so why do you care about these workers . They have jobs. A lot of people who dont have jobs. What are the conditions of the people who pick our tomatoes work under that you think should be changed . I care because i eat food, and you eat food, we all eat food and we should really care about where our food comes from. Theres never been a grater interest in what we free. Were gluten free, soy free, lactose free, but we dont think about the human cost behind where our food comes from. What we are showing in the documentary, its an amazing documentary about what is being done in florida with tomatoes specifically, and its called the Fair Food Program. These workers formed a coalition that came up with an Amazing Program that not only raises wages but stops abuse in the field, everything from physical abuse, Sexual Harassment and does an audit compliance to make sure all the farmers are applying this particular Fair Food Program to their crops and theyre doing it amazingly well. Stephen so these workers in amoclee, florida, are getting paid 1 penny a pound to pick tomatoes right now. Yeah. Stephen how much do you think they should be paid per pound . What the Fair Food Program does is ask consumers and the largest buyers of produce supermarkets and fastfood chains to pay a penny more a pound and that doubles their wages. Stephen so 2 pennies a pound. Yeah, to 2 pennies per pound. Stephen you realize that you still kind of sound like a monster. All 2 pennies a pound longoria, they would call you. It would change your life by 44 cents a year and you literally double the wages of these farm workers. Stephen youve gotten mcdonalds, burger king, subway, chipotle, all these fastfood chains to get on board with the Fair Food Program applause is the issue we should buy less fresh food and more fast food as americans to help these people . No, no, no. You need to eat healthy. One of the main points of the documentary is the c. I. W. , coalition of immokalee workers, and anybody who has come to the table have signed on to the Fair Food Program except wean wendyn the fast food area booing but supermarkets, some, are on board. Whole foods. This tomato is from whole foods, so we know its a fair food tomato. Stephen meaning this is like a 40 tomato. Exactly. Let me tell you, so the workers make a penny per pound. This tomato is 2. 03. So you look at the difference of the people doing the work. Walmart is the one that will not come to the table, will not talk to the c. I. W. About the Fair Food Program. Stephen well, maybe its because you guys scare people with your tactics. Right. Stephen ill show you an example. Jim, can you put up the poster . That is socialist propaganda. That might as well be mau picking the tomatoes. This doesnt seem like workers of the world unite to you . No, it doesnt. Stephen it doe it doesnt . This is an interesting photo. I dont know if you see the bucket. Its overfilled. The c. I. W. Stopped that as well because theyll make the workers snow cone the buckets, so theyre actually picking almost a bucket and a third and not getting paid for it. So weve stopped that as well and, you know, this is how they carry. They carry about 40,000 pounds a day on their backs, and theyre not asking for workers farm workers are not asking for a crazy amount of pay, theyre asking to be paid for the work theyre doing. Stephen my other issue is youre asking me to think about where my food comes from. Yeah. Stephen and i dont want to think about that. A lot of it comes from dirt, okay . And its there a lot longer than the 5second rule. Yeah. Stephen why must i think about where my food comes from . It comes from the kitchen. It does not. Stephen it does not . It does not come from the kitchen. America has a history of exploiting labor. When we created the fair labor standards act which protects workers, it excluded agriculture. The 40hour work week, vacation, minimumwage, excludes agriculture. Stephen child labor. You were in the field, you know how hard it was. Stephen i worked an entire day. No, no. I think you worked three hours. Stephen well, listen, that is a workday for me. laughter eva longoria, thank you so much eva longoria, food chains, the documentary opens friday. Back Wireless Networks are awesome. Theyre big, fast d dependable. And at net10 wireless, we let you tweet text, talk and surf. On those amazing nationwide Networks Without getting locked into a pricey phone contract. Americas best 4g lte networks for half the cost. Thats wireless your way. Unlimited talk, text and data starts at just 40 a month. 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