Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141120 : vimarsana.

Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thai so much. Welcome to the report, heroes. cheers and applause thank you so much. Its good to have you with us. Always a pleasure. Always a joy. cheers folks, you know, if you watch this show, you know that i love coming to you every night of the week, monday through thursday. laughter but broadcasting legend isnt my most important job. Im also a dad. That i know of. laughter thats why i have the right to judge todays overinvolved helicopter parents. If youre that neurotic about your kids safety, why did you give them a helicopter in the first place . laughter they have created these parents have create aid generation of scaredy kids who quiver at the slightest armed invasion. Now to florida tonight where parentparents are outraged after police entered a middle School Without warning with what looked like guns drawn. But what they found out next has many angry tonight. It was a drill. Police with ar15 rifles like this one, burst into classrooms. Children and teachers believed they were really under attack. Students, some texting their parents for help, they were terrified. Stephen typical teen cant even stop texting at gunpoint. laughter for petes sake weve got visitors put the phone down and crap your pants. laughter manners. Look, i know these drills can be upsetting, but they serve a vital purpose. Cops get training responding to school emergencies, and in the event of a real tragedy, the kids will be glad they had all those practice nightmares. laughter besides, School Officials had good reason to give these kids p. S. S. D. Or pretend Traumatic Stress disorder. Jim . Police say the drills are always held without advance warning because thats the only way that they can evaluate a schools response. School officials insist the element of surprise is important, noting, unfortunately, no one gets an advanced notice of reallife emergencies. Stephen its true. There is no advance notice in a reallife emergency. Which is why i never warn my staff about our fire drills. I dont even warn myself. I leave a pile of oily rags next to the furnace, and i wait for the drill to start when its ready. laughter were were actually on our fifth studio here. Thats why the show is ending. I cant get insurance. laughter anyway, nation, i have long been a proponent of small government. As thomas jefer son said, that government is best which governs least, which means our congress is headed towards perfection. cheers and applause . Stephen good job, congress. We love you, congress. Of course, america has a proud history of patriots standing up against government overreach. Where would we be if our Founding Fathers hadnt wriz risen up geens the tyranny of king gorge . Technically, wed still be right here. Thats how geography works. But wed all be wearing absurd wigs instead of just donald trump. Tonight, folks, i am proud to profile the latest group of heros who are attempting to get Big Government an overreacharound weapon jim. America is under siege. Our government is a tyranny and its out of control, and it must be stopped. It really is government overreach, government gone amok. This big brother has dpoant a lot creepier than George Orwell thought it would ever get. Tyranny is on the rise. But these brave patriots are fighting back. They are difference makers. cheers and applause in the heart of New Hampshire lies the small town of keene, a pretty place, where the iron fist of authority has run amok. But help is on the way. Meet the three keene squad. James cleveland a. K. A. I think its fair to say that im the mastermind. The mastermind. Gator ian. I would identify myself as american. The afrokid. Chris cantwell. There is a 38caliber revolver and, carry it on my hip. The enforcer. The three keene squad has a clear plan to free the people of keene. Tell them, mastermind. Free keene isnt necessarily about freeing people per se. Its laughter a powerful vision for a better tomorrow. We confronted jackbooted city councilor rapidy fillio for a response. Free keene claims theyre freeing keene from something. Most of us that have lived here most of our lives really havent figured that part out yet. And quite honestly, i dont think theyve really figured it out yet. If they ever do figure it out, i wish theyd give us a call. Ringring, randy. You better get the phone because they figured it out. Parking meters. You heard him right, parking meters. If were going to have a government, i mean, i feel like that they should do a kind of the basics. They should defend life, liberty, and property. And i really dont see how issuing parking tickets meets any of those goals. So free keene sprang into action by running ahead of meter maids and putting coins in the meters before they expire. They call it robin hooding. Theyve been filming themselves doing it for years. And they have posted hundreds of clips on the web, some of which have gotten multiple views. I feel like im a super hero. Im out there doing good for the community. Which has the tyrannical City Government shaking in their boots. Probably the most controversial issue wasnt them plugging a meter. Quite honestly, none of us cared. What we cared about was they were following around the meter attendant and harassing them. Theyre not harassing. Theyre annoying for liberty. Hey, why are you going that way . Were going to follow you wherever you go. You take money from people by force. Why do you behave this we . I dont think thats an appropriate thing to do. I would like to you stop following me around. Nobody likes what you do. Its a crappy position to be in, in your life. Go back in your truck and drive away. Im doing my job. It doesnt look like it. This may look like the free keene squad are being total dicks to innocent meter maids, but if that were true, why doesnt anyone stop them . I find when i carry a gun, people are very unlikely to hit me. You can say almost what you want entirely to public officials. You cant threaten to kill them, because thats thats, like, coercion. Thats extortion. Thats an initiation of force. I believe they really like what were doing. , of course, being new englanders, the people of keene are reserved in their displays of affection. Why are you harassing her . Get that away from me right now get out of my face. Stop harassing people who are working. Youre nothing but a freeloading hobo. Youre an idiot. Oh,. And the way you treat people shows me youre an idiot. Thats right. Thats what wriewr going to do is walk away. No, you dont even worry bleep . Obviously, there are people that dont like what were doing, and im fine with that. I think its, like to me, its like a balance. Life is like the yinyang. I feel lime ooik the yin, im the white part, im the good part. My name is allen giveitz, i was a Police Officer in the u. S. Army reserves. I was in iraq and kuwait about 15 months. And this veteran need a job. I see an ad for the city of keene for parking enforcement. And i kind of chuckled at first, and i said, yeah, okay, im going to be a male meter maid. You sort of feel like youre kind of an animal in a cage, really. Watch what youre doing. Youre running into people. No, im not. Youre not going to get a break the entire day. This is never going to stop. It was hell. Being called a thief. Being called a liar. That sort stung a little. But it didnt sting as much as, you know, being called a coward. Definitely didnt hurt as bad as being called a racist because of my veteran status. I was told that i condone the droang of brown babies because im a veteran. That stung. Okay, granted, these guys are aholes, but theyre aholes for freedom. Youre a veteran. Im sure you can handle it. I mean, its not worse than iraq. What was worse, serving in iraq or being a meter maid in keene . laughter boy. Its really a tough question. laughte. Laugh. Spoiler alert its keene because after a year of abuse, freedom won . That cant be right. Is that a typo. Freedom can be messy. Freedom is not perfect. There are bad things that can happen when you give people freedom. Im not going to deny that. You cannot be free from an idea so there can be no freedom from free keene for people who just live here. They helped me me from my job. Thats for sure. So for fighting for their Constitutional Rights to be total bleep iyoure not going to get a break the entire day. This is never going to stop. Never going to stop. The free keene squad are tonights difference makers. And just to be clear, are huge diewsdouchebags. Stephen well be right back. music hey slick, its me im a darwinist, brother, alright . Some prosper. Enjoy the picture, everyone . And some struggle. music tires screech grunt i thought you said you wasnt gonna hit me. music we had a deal we had paperwork une. Deux. Trois. My daddy was not nice to me traffic sounds gun clicks life is just one long mystery. Boom grand theft auto five out now on playstation 4. Rated m for mature. Playstation mand im a troubleman for pg e. Ive been with pg e for 17 years and i work in vallejo. I grew up in vallejo and this is where i want to be. I ride my truck around on the same hills i rode my bike around when i was a kid. As a troubleman, if your power goes out, you call and here i am. I feel like my job is important because all the people in this community are people that i know. My family is vallejo too so i need to make sure its safe for them. When i pull up to a house, i want customers to know im there to help. We need to get the power back on, thats our job. You get a good feeling from fixing stuff. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Welcome back, everybody. Folks,. Its the Holiday Season so whoopideedoo. And dickery dock and we only have nine more days to shop until black fridays. Wh were ready to shop. I dont want to brag, but im a great shopper. That bouncer at walmart waves me right in. Thank you for your service, lyle. Of course, black fridays officially begins with the first strasm ling at the running of the doorbusters. You really cant blame them. That helicopter was 5. laughter and each year, black fridays gets a little bit blaerk and a little less fridays. Retailers are stumbling over each other to announce just how early theyre going to be opening on the holiday this year. Just this morning, j. C j. C. Peny announcing it will open at 5 00 p. M. Macies, kohls and serious will be open at 6 00 p. M. On thanksgiving day. One retailer takes the cake kmart opening at 6 00 a. M. On thanksgiving morning. Retail experts call it the christmas creep, that sense that the holidays are coming earlier and earlier. Stephen yes, the christmas creep, not to be confused with the mall santa who wants you to sit on his lap just a little bit longer. Folks, some retail grirches want to destroy this holiday by letting their employees have a holiday. Costco announced all of its 468 stores will be closed on thanksgiving. Costco take a stand and really buck the trend here, saying their workers deserve a holiday, declaring thanksgiving is for families, and the workers should have that opportunity. Radio shack, hobby lobby. Bed bath beyond. Game stop is joining costco, closing up shop on thanksgiving this year. Stephen what what on thanksgiving . All of my Favorite Stores are closing . And radio shack . cheers and applause laughter i mean, no no radio shack . Now where am i going to get my threepronged turkeytoyam adaptor. I am take a stand right now. They cannot do this to my black fridays. Iit is a cherished postthanksgiving tradition that goes all the way back to the original thanksgiving when the pilgrims knocked the indians to the ground so they could be the first to get to the discount buckle hats. Well be right back. cheers and applause Wireless Networks are awesome. Theyre big, fast d dependable. And at net10 wireless, we let you tweet text, talk and surf. On those amazing nationwide Networks Without getting locked into a pricey phone contract. Americas best 4g lte networks for half the cost. Thats wireless your way. Unlimited talk, text and data starts at just 40 a month. And now android smartphones start at just 19. 99. And an xperia smart phoneon 4 and a roof. And you want to play playstation 4, on your phone, on your roof. Then you can get on your playstation 4, and get on your phone and your roof to play playstation 4, on your phone, on your roof, on your phone. The xperia smart phone with ps4 remote play on your roof. Stephen welcome back everybody. My guest tonight has won the nobel prize and the president ial freedom medal. Please welcome toni morrison. cheers and applause miss morrison, thank you so much for being here. A pleasure to see you. Toni morrison, how are you . Im fine. Im fine. Stephen its a pleasure. Pleasure. Im very happy to be here. Stephen im very happy to have you. Can i read your questions . applause . Stephen would you like to read my questions . Yes. Stephen yes. laughter youve won the pulitzer and nobel prize in literature. Stephen not yet, but i hope to. laughter applause thats a good point. You have won the Pulitzer Prize and the nobel prize in literature. That is like the rock n roll hall of fame of books. cheers and applause . Lets go through some of the books you have written. The bluest eye. Beloved. Song of solomon, sula, among others. What is the weight you feel, or is there any weight, any burden being a Nobel Prize Winner in literature . You know, thats thats hemingway. Thats doris lessing, thats you. Do you feel worthy . laughter i know that my books are worthy. Which is separate from me. cheers and applause . And thats thats the part that i really relish, that part. No, i actually, i read beloved a couple of weeks ago. Stephen your own book. You read your own book. I read my book. Stephen had you read it after you wrote it . No. Unless i read it publicly. But i read it a couple of weeks ago. Stephen and . Its really good. laughter stephen brava. That is great. Im eye huge fan of my work, too. Were you surprised how good your book was . At that time, i mean, its been years what, 80s or something . When was that book published . Stephen i dont know. Ive never read anything youve written. laughter . I think it was in the 80s. But someone sent me a copy and said would i autograph it and i was looking for a page and i happened to open it up at the beginning of the book. And i looked down, and there were these sentence, these incredible, beautiful, lyric, straight and powerful sentences. So i just kept reading. It had been a long, long time. Stephen was there any point in reading your own point that you thought i would have done something differently. I really shanked that sentence. Would you traevment to do a rewrite at all . There are books i think i could coa little bit over. The first book i wrote is one of the books where i think i made a fairly substantial mistake in not doing justice to one of the characters. It was a character i didnt like. It was a kind of stephen well, that will do it. laughter and i never paid her close attention. Stephen you have said you dont necessarily like to be pigeonholed as an African American writer. What would you like me to pigeonhole you as . Because i have to categorize everybody. Do you want to be, you know, pigeonholed as a korean pop star . How should i see you as a category . If you dont want to be an African American writer, how should i think of you . As an american writer. Stephen as an american writer. cheers and applause . You think im i dont i i dont see race. Okay. Ive ive evolved beyond racism, all right. I dont see race. I dont even see my own. People tell me im white and i believe them because i havent read any of your books. laughter can i, as a white man, understand the African American experience . You have to know something about racism. Stephen but then, wouldnt i be a racist if i thought about racism . Perhaps, but more important than that is there is no such thing as race. None. Stephen really . Thats just the human race, scientifically, anthropologically, racism is a construct, a social construct. And it has benefits. It has money money can be made off of it. And people who dont like themselveses can feel better because of it. It can describe certain kind of behavior that are wrong or misleading. So it has a social function, racism. But race can only be defined as a human being. Stephen another so. cheers and applause stephen . Has said reading your book the song of solomon taught him how to be. He did say that. Stephen if you taught him how to be, are you partially to blame for obamacare . Would you like to apologize to anybody . I take full responsibility for obamacare. cheers and applause . Tonicare. Stephen thats very nice. Very good. Stephen you didnt write your first novel until you were 39, correct . Thats right. Stephen is your entire literary career a midlife crisis . laughter . Un, thats a good name for it. Actually. Stephen a midlife crisis . Yeah, some kind of crisis where you just up and change. You know, i thought everything in the world that i wanted to read had been written. And then in my 30s, i wanted something else. I wanted to show how painful this constructed, horrible racism was on the most Vulnerable People in society girls, black girls, poor girls and that it really and truly could hurt you. So thats what i was looking for and no one, i thought, had written that book. So since i really wanted to read it, i thought i should write it. Stephen and 25 years later, you got to read it, and you said thats damn good. laughter applause toni morrison, thank you for joining me. Toni morrison. cheers and applause . A host of books. Well be right back. What would you give someone who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . The greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. As strongbow hard] acider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody, good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org test. Its 11 59. And 59 seconds this happened on reddit there is Scientific Research proving dogs are among the most ma guess particular intelligence infewive animals in existence. For example watch as these dogs are in a race aay