Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141122 : vimarsana.

I believe is the last day of america. [laughter] this is it, nation. No, no, this is it, date we all feared would come, ever since we were told it would come several months ago has come at last. [laughter] because tonight at 8 00 pm mexican standard time. Generalissimo obama announced his unilateral plan to allow four million Illegal Immigrants to remain in america without fear of deportation. It turns out this whole time weve been building that wall to keep them in. [laughter] [applause] submitted for your approval. [laughter] i do not smoke. [laughter] but folk, the president s speech is at 8 00 tonight. We are taping our show at 7 30, so i dont know one word of what hes going to say. But i do know theres only one way to describe it. Its not an executive order, its executive amnesty. The president will prove forward with executive amnesty. Executive amnesty for Illegal Immigrants in this country. Executive amnesty. Executive amnesty. Executive amnesty. Stephen regular amnesty isnt good enough for barrack. My great great grandfather did not come here from ireland to see this country overrun by immigrants. He came here because he killed a guy. I mean what happened to checks and balances served. Theres supposed to be three batches of government. Executive, judicial and spitefl e enertis. The emperor of the United States is going to declare war on the u. S. Constitution. Stephen oh hail barackus maximus. This lawless overreach makes me fear for my nation. I just hope calmer heads and voices of reason prevail. Or if not, maybe tom coburn. The countrys going to do it next because theyre going to see it outside of the authority of the president. And its going to be a very dangerous situation. Youre going to see hopefully not, but you can see instances of anarchy. You can see balance. Stephen thats right. If barack does not support the people already here i cant imagine when people wake up to see how same things are. Ladies and gentlemen, we will have more on this story two days ago when i talked about it for like 12 minutes. Isnt that enough. Its the holidays for petes sake. Nation, im about to scare you half to death. So whatever you do, dont watch this twice. This is the threatdown. First up long time viewers know that i am a person. Thats why my favorite magazine is people and each year it determines the sexiest man alive. Its a formula that takes into account jawline ruggedness, abs back quantity. This year the reputation has the preeminent supermarket impulse buy. People magazine has named its sexiest man alive for 2014 and the winner goes to australian actor chris hemsworth. He was known to movie fans as the hammer wielding Stephen Chris hemsworth. How is he the sexiest man alive. Hes not even the sexiest hemsworth alive. Which brings me to number three, americas decline of standards of sexiness. This has to be said. First of all an australian. Theres nothing sexy about the aussies. You cant see their abs because of the pouch they have in front. This isnt about the title goings to chris hemsworth, its about it not going to mathew mcconaughey. Folks, the last time i checked, hes still alive and as god is my witness, he is a man. And yet somehow he hasnt been the sexiest man alive since 2009. Its been nine years of butter faces. Plus sexiness historians will some day mark this epoch as the mcconaugheyssaince. Imagine if People Magazine hadnt published this cover. Hey, crossbow to my head, sure. This is your last warning People Magazine. You hang in there big mac. I know things look rough now but just keep living and youll be all right, all right, all right,. [cheers and applause] next up, i consider myself a real chocoholic. For me hershey kisses are not enough. I want full hershey penetration. I dont care if its in the form of syrup, bar, taco or whatever extrude the polymer to the tootsie. They are eating chocolate faster than Cocoa Farmers can grow their crops. Were going to run out of chocolate in five years. Its going to be a chocolate shortage. Were not making enough of it for as much as were eating. Stephen thats right. The world is running out of chocolate which would explain todays happy cartoon. Folks. Dont do it. Dont do it. This cocoa catastrophe brings me to number two. This show is largely dough to the rising popularity of dark chocolate which contains more cocoa than traditional chocolate bars. Oh yes, dark chocolate. Its for people who like milk chocolate but wished it tasted less good. Bring on the bitter. We may run out of chocolate completely. It would be the cocoageddon. I would rather eat fruit. Finally folks i always loved studying American History from George Washington chopping down the cherry tree to Abraham Lincoln chopping down those vampires. Over the past weekend i heard a frightening claim from turkish president and elvish greeting recep tayyip erdogan. And what this man said could rewrite American History faster than a texas school board. [speaking foreign language]8 stephen what . That doesnt make any sense. 1178 doesnt even rhyme with sail the ocean blue. But folks, as disturbing as it is, it may be true because the turkish president is citing a chinese document from 1178 claiming muslim sailors reached california. As well as a passage from columbus journal in which he mentions the existence of a mosque on a hill on the cuban coast, which is all the proof i need. Because the man who set out for china, only the land in the bahamas and declares the native people indians, never got anything wrong. And this turkish [crowd cheering] and this turkish lack of delight brings me to threat number one. Muslim invaders of the new world. Folks these revelations mean not only are foreigners sneaking over our borders theyve been doing it for six centuries longer than weve had borders. Thanks a lot 12th century obama. [cheers and applause] this revelation, this revelation calls into question everything i know about early American History. Whats next, are people going to say columbus didnt fight the pilgrims at the battle of miami. It saddens me some people want to change the beautiful story of americas discovery. Christians i was taught. Landed on these pristine shores and were welcome by the native people. And then we spent the next five centuries carrying out, do you know what lets say the muslims were hear first. Well be right back. That hard. I read most of the book. You didnt read the book. I read some of the book. s alproper nutrition. Red. Keeping the romance alive. Level 7 and setting a good example. Daddys trying. We are so ready for this. Life can surprise you. So can an allstate agent. From savings on a new car, to discounts on a great car seat. The good hands are doing more than ever before. Have been masters of jewelry design for centuries. Ly this levian collection is amazing. Maybe its time to start your own. Kay jewelers presents todays levian collection. Featuring exclusive levian chocolate diamonds. Including incredible limited edition styles like these. One more reason kay is the numberone Jewelry Store in america. Its. she cant find the words a work of art . Every kiss begins with kay. You can make wifi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. Hey, brandon, whats up . So you can from talk down here, smile for grandmom. Or text pictures from up here. Okay, there we go. Should we send a photo . You can even make calls way over here. Talk and text with anyone anywhere theres a wifi connection. Wifi calling on iphone 6 only from tmobile. Stephen welcome back everybody. My guest is the host of the daily show, please welcome jon stewart. [cheers and applause] stephen jon, good to see you again. [crowd chanting. [ is that how you introduce the guests. Stephen every night. I say it over there and i run over here. [laughter] yes. I just dont know how sustainable Something Like that is. Stephen 12 more shows. [laughter] savor me. Welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly. Are you trying to nail me. Youre not going to nail me my friend. I used to be inside the belly of the beast. I used to work for you forgot. I remember thing you said behind closed doors and behind i can reveal that for 15 years, i used to be over there with your writers and their opium bangs. How many writes do you have. Im going to say this, behind closed doors i only quote rabbiniccal text. Stephen there are scribes writing down everything you say. Thats right. And you say let it be written. Thank you. I open every meeting and iveej. On the one hand. [laughter] but on the other hand, i dont know. You know thats how ive always liberated. Now every voice of the left, more young people get their news from you. Most young people. 87 of young people. Those who dont get their news from me from the show, i will go to their dorm rooms. I go into the dorm rooms and i will give them generally usually a synopsis. I am like santa. I come down the chimney of the liberal news. Stephen run down the big news, heres your dime bag and out you go. [crowd cheering] exactly right. You have to. Stephen its the dime bag because youre on basic cable. Unless theyre high the ideas dont seep in because. Stephen you weaken their minds. When youre out there, and if i may say this. Stephen please. When youre trying to change the world as we do. Stephen activate the youths, jon. Thats one thing, your entire career was to activate the youth vote. We tried desperately tried to activate the youth vote. Stephen how does it feel to know your entire career would just as well be shoved into a sock. Thats unfair. Stephen you have wasted your life. Well be right back with more of this man. Do you like that pen . Oh, i love it. Love it, love it . She does, she does. And did you know that it turns handwriting into text . Dad into mustache dad. And it even helps you find costumes for the party. Sorry buddy wait, im not doing that yeah, you are. Do you use that thing a lot . Oh yeah, all the time. Its like the magic wand. Well in that case, abracadabra. Do everything faster and easier, with the new more powerful spen only on the galaxy note 4. The next big thing is here. Choosing is half the fun. Because theres a Little Something delicious. For everyone. Hersheys miniatures, choose your own delicious. Mwould not slow down. When they told him he had reached the limit. He just had one thought faster. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Double wiwe need to do something different. Callahans . Ehh, i mean get away. Like away away. Road trip . Double wings, extra ranch. It feels good to mix it up. The allnew, fuelefficient Volkswagen Golf tdi clean diesel. Up to 594 miles of adventure in every tank. Introducing the allnew Volkswagen Golf family. 2015 motor trend car of the year. For bfor a love this strong is a labor of love. Theres new iams naturals, with no corn or chicken byproduct meal, grainfree, and costs up to 25 less. Iams naturals. Just one of many iams formulas to keep love strong. Declare your love boldly. With the celebration grand, the idealcut diamond that shines bigger and bolder. Only at zales, the diamond store. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. Stephen welcome back everybody. Im here with my, im here with my old friend and nemesis, one old piece of humanity, mr. Jon stewart. Now jon youve got a new movie, its called rosewater, okay. Yes. Stephen ive seen the film and its a beautiful film and that offends me. Why is it that you can do your show, and i may not agree with your show but i think you do it well and yet you also are now doing Something Else well. You know you have to stay in your lane. You have to stay in your gestation crate, all right. Youre not allowed to move out of your crate. You understand that, right . Thats for my own safety by the way. Stephen thats right. Last summer you bugged out. You grew a beard and went to jordan. I didnt even grow a beard, they gave it to me like a lei they just give it to you. Stephen thats fantastic. A gentleman greeted me, he put this on and said you are free to part whatever waters you want. Now this is the story of a man named an iranian journalist. They arrested him, stephen. 2009. This is a story of expression. Stephen we have a clip actually. Let me set the clip up if i can sure. Heres the clip. [crowd cheering] what are you doing. Fighting back. You have to get killed some more. They took my boat. Its not right. So that footage that you saw is actual footage during the 2009, that actual and as it rolls a gentleman gets killed on the ramparts. Its the real footage and i was arrested having that footage up loaded to the bbc and broadcast. This is the reason they arrested him for uploading that footage. Thats right. They cited him going on the daily show being interviewed. When he was being interrogated they played for him a clip. They had done an interview with jason. Its something you remember from doing those are. Interviewing him he said im an american spy. As a spy i would like to know can you tell me why its so terrifying. And he goes through all the reasons saying why america and iran are not so different. They played that for him in prison and said to him why is an american spy talking to you if youre not a spy. And mazzir said why does an american spy have a television show. And i believe it went downhill from there. [laughter] is that not an evil thing for iran to have done . The evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic. I would qualifier that as ig innovator, yet not necessarily evil. And within the film we show a broad swap of Iranian Society to show how complex and nuanced and textured it actually is. Iranian is not now, i know youve spoken about this before that you very much want america to be the only country. And05dp i have to tell you. Stephen there is america and then there are countries. I understand that. Its an admirable plan. But rather than, and again we havent really had a chance to sit down and hash this out. Rather than killing everybody else, what if we were to coexist with them in some type of fashion. It looks like a bumper stitcher that people have. Not in a but not necessarily bending to our will. But they will do what we say. [laughter] are there better ways of doing things than we do things. Or are you a blame america first. Let me ask you this. Do you think, are people in iran [laughter] stephen how many of these have i done. Ive done a lot. [laughter] im so glad youre on my show before the show is over. [cheers and applause] jon stewart. Rosewater. Rosewater. Well be right back. [remote chime] [dragon sounds] whoa. Im gonna be the perfect mom. Herman . Just like in the movies. Ill be the one person my daughter can always trust. Making memories that last a lifetime. I should totally start a blog. Life can surprise you. So can an allstate agent. With accident forgiveness they can make sure your rates dont go up after one. Because everyone has an off day. The good hands are doing more than ever before. And discover an exciting combination of tastes. Rich, dark chocolate covering soft centers. Flavored with exotic fruit juices. Its chocolate and fruit flavors like youve never experienced before. Discover brookside. vo rescued. Ed. Protected. Given new hope. During the subaru share the love event, subaru owners feel it, too. Because when you take home a new subaru, we donate 250 dollars to helping those in need. Well have given 50 Million Dollars over seven years. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Starting saturday, when you get a new data plan, tablet on us. You can also get our most popular seven inch tablet. Thats right on us so get to tmobile, get a new data plan, and get a tablet on us. So heres the story the year is 1890. Milton hershey has a killer recipe for caramel. Flash forward miltons recipe is reimagined into buttery rich, smooth, surprisingly soft cremes. Its lancaster. Its caramel reimagined. Stephen thats the report everybody, good night. Captioniy Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My names jon stewart. Our guest tonight from the theory of everything incredible performance Eddie Redmayne will be joining us on the program tonight. But first, you may remember democrats took a bit of a ball smashing. [laughter] in the Midterm Election but one democratic senator still has a chance. Senator landrieu is facing against republican challenger bill cast de. Proponents poll show him up by 16 points and another show him up by about 20. Jon so, up by 20