Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141209 : vimarsana.

Stephen colbert presents mr. Colbert goes to washington, d. C. A later legislator partisan is such sweet sorry. A colbert victory lap 2014. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the report welcome to the report thanks so much, everybody welcome to the report great to have me with you laughter tonights broadcast emanates from our nations capital. Theres electricity in the air. Can you feel it . cheers and applause i think its electricity. They just legalized pot here. cheers and applause last night, i got a contact high just walking down to street, and ended up in my hotel room bingewatching cspan. 2v well, i think it was cspan. It might have been my shower curtain. Were at beautiful George Washington university. cheers and applause George Washington university, of course, named for our first president , george university. laughter d. C. Has been the reports second home. A part of me will always be here my portraits in the smithsonian. My wax figure is in madame tussauds, and my iphone is in the panda pen at the national zoo. Cough it up, bao bao in 2010, jon stewart and i held the rally to restore sanity and or fear. cheers and applause and the nation thronged to the Washington Mall to finally get some answers. About why we asked them to come to the Washington Mall. I can finally reveal it was a groupon thing. I needed a quarter Million People to get 20 off a membership at soul cycle. laughter and because this is our natis capital, tonight, im proud to launch part one of my onepart series. Better know a america. Tonight, america the fightin us. america began 270 million years ago as part of pangea, until it split off, thanks to jesus. laughter it was a happy accident all he was trying to do is send an earthquake to punish gay dinosaurs. laughter then came the people with the feathers on their lends. Then the people with the buckles on their hats. Then, in 1776, america happened. The Founding Fathers gathered in philadelphia and unanimously declared we should really move the capital somewhere else. laughter famous residents of america include congressman john lewis, apple c. E. O. Tim cook, and Jeffery Donovan of burn notice. applause when visiting america, dont miss out on its signature dish food. applause look for it under the melted cheese. And who has the oval offices to represent this great nation . None other than twoterm president barack obama. cheers and applause i recently sat down with president obama later on in tonights show. laughter of course, the republican landslide in the midterms was a stinging rebuke of the president. I checked, he didnt get one vote. laughter and yet, right after the midterms, he issues an executive order shielding up to 5 million illegal immigrants. cheers and applause yeah. Shielding them. He is shielding them. Now hes making them s. H. I. E. L. D. Agents . laughter nick fury must be. Very angry. Only word i could think of. Then the president signed a Climate Change accord with china, pushed the f. C. C. To adopt net neutrality, and wants to put cameras on cops. cheers and applause obama is totally out of control. Hes like both guys in Lethal Weapon at once a crazy renegade with nothing to lose and the black guy whos this close to retirement laughter worst of all, im getting too old for this bleep worst of all, obama is threatening to give us healthcare again, because from now until february 15th is the obamacare open enrollment period, when you can go online and select whichever death panel you prefer to smother you in your sleep. cheers and applause but dont fall for it. No do not fall for it or anything this guy says. He cant make things happen. The people with real power in this country are pundits like me and papa bear. I have more power doing what im doing, okay, than getting involved with the political process. Plus, you have to kiss butt to get money. You know, 150 million to run for president. I can get things done like that. And that kind of power i could never have in elected office. Stephen oh, yeah. Oreilly clearly has more power than the president. Whens the last time obama sold selflubricating catheters . laughter point is, i could be a politician like that snap but a politician could never do my job, which is why everyone should listen to my cure for obamacare, and that brings us to tonights cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen. cheers and applause stephen thanks so much cheers and applause president obama, im thrilled you here but i did not expect you for another three minutes. Stephen, you have been taking a lot of shots at my job. I thought id take a shot at yours. cheers and applause what part of the segment are we in now . What were you going to be doing in. Stephen i was about to do the word, sir. The word. cheers and applause how hard can this be . Im just going to say whatever you were about to say. Stephen okeydoke. Okay. cheers and applause nation nation, instead of the word, lets make this a little more president ial, which brings us to tonights decree. playing hail to the chief, then clang . To health in a hand basket. Nation, as you know, i, stephen colbert, have never cared for our president. laughter the guys so arrogant, i bet he talks about himself in the third person. laughter cheers and applause but even i have to admit that obamacare is the law of the land. And while its been politically divisive, there are things that cple from both parties like about obamacare. laughter for instance, that children can stay on their parents policies until age 26. cheers and applause nearly 7 Million People signed up last year and almost 1 million more have signed up in just the past few weeks. cheers and applause now, how do you stop something that more and more people are starting to like . laughter applause well, first off a, now that the republicans control both the house and the senate, they could pass a bill repealing obamacare. But the president still has the veto. And if i know that guy, hes willing to use it. cheers and applause and even if republicans somehow did repeal it, theyd have to replace it with their own healthcare plan. laughter and once they touch it, they own it. Then if anything goes wrong, suddenly everybody will be complaining about Mitch Mcconnellcare. cheers and applause of course, another strategy is taking obamacare to the Supreme Court and trying to get it thrown out. But last time we tried that, it didnt work. I believe theres only one sure fire way to kill this thing. laughter applause we have to make signing up for obamacare unappealing to young people. laughter cheers and applause we can scare them away by reminding them that last years web site rollout was a little bumpy. laughter remember the original healthcare. Gov web site . I think thats where disney got the idea for frozen. laughter now, the new web site works, and most young people can get covered for less than 100. But hows the president going to get that message out to the kids . applause he could try to appeal to them directly through a speech or a press conference, but young people dont watch real news shows like this one. cheers and applause they watch comedy shows, and i just dont see the president going on one of those. Theyre beneath his dignity. cheers and applause besides, even if he did get his message across, young people dont think they need any insurance. After all, theyre young they dont realize that everyone eventually grows older. Some at a faster rate than others. laughter applause and thats the decree. Well be right back with the leader of the free world. cheers and applause this is sean. We saw him holding a bud light, which means hes up for whatever happens. In this case, jimmy johnson. I, jimmy johnson, challenge you to a little football game. Dont get nervous. Are we ready . yeeaaah im ready. Jimmy johnson has dominated the electric football circuit. Yeah look at the little jimmy run hes hurt hes pushing through, hes pushing through. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute bud light. The perfect beer for whatever happens. When electricity is generated heres awith natural gasu instead of todays most used source, how much are co2 emissions reduced . Up to 30 . 45 . 60 . The answer is. Up to 60 less. And thats a big reason why the u. S. Is a world leader in reducing co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is the leader of the free world, and was recently named permanent guest host of the the colbert report. Please welcome president barack obama cheers and applause thank you thank you stephen sorry. Didnt mean to steal your thunder there, sir. Sorry about that. I will have to say, i felt more powerful behind that desk. Stephen with great power comes medium cable ratings. laughter now, to speak of which, the leader of the free world. I am. Stephen finger on the trigger, steer the country through the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression cheers and applause stephen i am the host of a cable show four nights a week. Guys like us understand leadership. Okay . laughter we understand leadership. Are you still president after the midterms . Because the republicans are quite surprised that youre doing anything at all laughter that shellacking didnt rattle the president ial seal off your podium . laughter look, the election didnt go as i would have liked. laughter a correction there. I had a little thought bubble. laughter but as president , the only office where youre elected by people all across the country, youve still got a lot of responsibilities, and my intention is over the next two with years is to make sure, wherever possible, working with congress, we can get everything we can do done to help working families get ahead, to make sure young people can afford to go to college cheers and applause stephen lets talk about the young people. Yeah. Stephen we have a bunch of young people out here tonight. The young people did not turn out to vote for the democrats in the midterm elections. Can we see a show of hands, how many people voted. cheering thats pretty good. Not bad. Stephen though i have to say a crowd of young people raising their hands to their charismatic leader is disturbing. laughter applause stephen all right. Why, sir and dont give them any hints why do you think the young people did not come out to vote . I think they felt discouraged about what was happening in washington. Stephen mmhmm. When you look at the issues, young5o people agree we should raise minimumwage, have equal pay for equal work, they agree we should make sure a family, when the child gets sick, you can stay home without losing your job. They believe in making college affordable. They believe in these things. Unfortunately, we had consistently House Republicans blocking action on those items and at a certain point focus figured, you know what . Its just not going to make a difference. Part of my job in the next two years and hopefully part of the job of Mitch Mcconnell and john boehner is to convince people that, even in divided government, we can still put the American People ahead of politics. cheers and applause stephen well, youve got some good news. You know, im firm but fair and you had good news this week id like to tell the people about. The jobs report came out for snov. 321,000 new jobs in november cheers and applause the economy is growing at a faster rate than in years. Why didnt you fix the economy before the midterm elections . You know your job, and i would have done it before the elections so people were happy when they voted. And you win and then maybe you dont have to come on the colbert report. Actually, the economy had been on a pretty good run. Weve had 57 straight months of private sector job growth, over 10 million jobs created, manufacturing strongest since the 90s. The Auto Industry has rebounded back. Stephen ill give it to you, youve employed a lot of people we have. Stephen mostly as secretary of defense. Well, that boosted our numbers a little bit. applause what we havent been able to see enough of until recently is wages and incomes going up. This last jobs report started to indicate some wage growth, but weve still got more work to do. Stephen lets talk about creating jobs and talk about our northern border. Lets talk about the keyston thl pipeline. Youre going to sign that, right . audience booing obviously, these young people werent polled. Stephen no, theyre chanting doooit laughter keystone is going through an evaluation process now, being held up by a court in nebraska, making a decision about whether the route is legal or not. You know, in the first instance, i dont make the initial decisions. The state department evaluates it. Stephen but youre going to sign it when the bill comes to you . What i said is im going to make sure that if we look at this objectively, weve got to make sure that its not adding to the problem of carbon and Climate Change because, you know, these young people are going to have to live in a world where we already know temperatures are going up, and keystone is a potential contributor of that. We have to examine that and weigh that against the amount of jobs its actually going to create, which arent a lot. Essentially, its canadian oil passing through the United States to be sold on the world market. Not going to push down gas prices here in the United States. Its good for canada. It could create a couple thousand jobs in the initial construction of the pipeline, but weve got to measure that against whether or not it is going to contribute to an overall warming of the planet that could be disastrous cheers and applause stephen can i make a suggestion . I have a suggestion. I have a suggestion that i think might kill two birds with one keystone here, all right . Go ahead. Stephen this ones free. We dont take it to louisiana. We take it to the canadian border, build that pipe over the mexican border, the other end is open with a signed that says moocho jobso. The people take the thing all the way over the border, they end up in canada, and the canadians are too polite to kick them out and theres your immigration policy. Taken care of. applause that sounds like a ridiculous idea. laughter but thats why youre where you are and i am where i am. cheers and applause stephen can you stick around for just one moment . Yes. Stephen well be right back with president barack its more than the driver. Its more than the car. For lotus f1 team, the Competitive Edge is the cloud. Powered by microsoft dynamics, azure, and office 365, the team can gain Real Time Insights and instantly share information around the globe. When every millisecond counts, staying competitive begins with the cloud. This is the microsoft cloud. What is it . Is it what she wears . How he speaks . Is it her timing . This guys idea of a good time . Or that one time he did. That. Is it because shes a woman . Cmon now. How bout those moves . Those looks. His style. Is it because they scare us . Surprise us . Make us uncomfortable . Like, really uncomfortable . Whatever it is, you know it when you see it. Heres to being one of a kind. Whaoh wow t . hello, humans. Focus on me focus on the guard. Dont tell anyone what youve seen in here. Have you seen whats in there . They have intel. This is where it all changes. cheers and applause stephen were back with the president of the United States cheers and applause president Barack Hussein obama mr. President , thank you for being here. Its very exciting. You and i dont always see eye to eye on things im glad about that a, by the way. I would be worried if i saw eye to eye with you. Stephen i would like to look in your eyes but im only about 510 and a half. Its exciting to say the words president of the United States. Do you ever get excited when you hear the words president barack obama . No. Stephen do you like the job . I love the job. cheers and applause its an incredible privilege, but when youre in it, youre not thinking about a it in terms of titles, youre thinking about how do you deliver for the American People, and also when i go home, michelle, malia, sasha give me a hard time and there are no trumpets and they tease me mercilessly for my big ears or my suits stephen do you do normal things like leave your socks on the floor and stuff like that . I do. Stephen how does that go over . Not well. laughter stephen you have the Nuclear Launch codes, right . Yes, i do. Stephen im not going to ask for them. Good. Stephen can you tell me if theres a 5 in there . laughter no. Stephen all right, all right. Speaking of trusting people with extraordinary power. laughter i want to go back one second to 2008. Part of your campaign was believing that the president at the time had invested the executive with too much power. Then you became president , and you seemed to have a whole lot of power. Right. Stephen does that happen to every president , where you get into the office and you think, you know what . I might be the only one i trust with this much power, so ill hold on to it . Laug laughter well, for the first time, youre asking a sensible question. laughter what is true laughter the structure of ourlx democracy is checks and balances, and every president , even if on the outside they were complaining, theres always the temptation to want to go ahead and get stuff done and democracy is messy and complicated. So the tendency is to say, well, let me see if i can get this done, just because things are so bottled up, especially at a moment when theres a lot of gridlock. What ive tried to do is to make sure that the office of Legal Council which weighs in on what we can and cannot do is fiercely independent. They make decisions. We work well within the lines of that. But my preference would be to