Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141211 : vimarsana.

Folks, thank you so much for being here. Folks, you know, i really need thank you for that energy because i need it because, folks, i gotta tell ya, i come to you tonight a shaken man. Because recent revelations have proven that the American People were systematically and repeatedly lied to. For more, lets go to my colleague brett baier. Last night was the big night, the airing of the Discovery Channels eaten alive, where a man offered himself up to be consumed by an anaconda. Many viewers found the payoff tough to swallow. Turns out the snake sort of put his mouth around his head and the guy tapped out, pull me out, pull me out, and that was it. 70 minutes into the show, rosolie tapped out saying the snake was about to break his arm. So he was not eaten alive, not even a scratch. Stephen for shame, Discovery Channel you promised paul rosolie would be eaten hence the title eaten alive. But you only gave us cuddled alive thats just snake first base. And im not the only one angry. Twitter tweeted, next time i watch something called eatenalive, somebody better get eaten alive. And this guy had one job. Literally one bleep job to get eaten alive and he bleep it up. cheers and applause its outrageous now, as angry as i am, discovery did have a cogent response. Paul created this challenge to get maximum attention for one of the most beautiful and threatened parts of the world, the amazon rain forest. True. Theres no better way to bring attendance to the amazon rain forest than to cover yourself in pigs blood and climb into a snakes mouth. You see that, you think, man, we gotta save those trees. Just like the best way to save our oceans is to put on some flippers and bone a narwhal not easy in such cold water. laughter folks, with only six shows left, it is time to say awwww stephen i know, i see that in the mirror every morning. Its time to say goodbye to classic the colbert report segments. Threatdown, cheating death, where are my glasses . We only did that segment once. They were in my car. Welcome to obamas america. laughter tonight, i present the last better know a district. cheers and applause over the years, ive interviewed only 81 members of congress. Still, 81 out of 434 is pretty good. I think thats every remaining democrat. Over the years, ive fenced with marcia fudge, skate boarded with jackie speier, legwrestled jason chaffetz, tossed salmon with jim mcdermott, drank beer with russ carnahan, shotgunned beer with dan maffei, funneled beer with jared polis, and dropped acid with maurice hinchey. laughter applause cheers and applause stephen i dont see why congress cant get anything done. And tonight, we end by returning to the first congressman i ever republican Jack Kingston of georgias first district. Jim . Congressman. Thanks for talking to me today. Its good to see you again. Its good to be back. Stephen for those who may not know, in 2005, you were the very first member of the house of representatives to be better known by me. Yes. Stephen you were my first congressman. You know what they say about the first. Its over much quicker than you thought and afterwards theres a lot of weeping. laughter but i want you to know, im very grateful you introduced me to the world of congress. Its a great honor for me and for my district. Stephen not that it matters, but have you been better known by anybody else since . Were not committed to each other, you can be better known by anyone you want. I have known others, stephen. Stephen i want you to know, i have, too, and im supposed to tell you that i have chlamydia. My doctor said im supposed to give you this pamphlet. Chlamydia is not a flower. Read this and call everybody else youve congressed with. You want to get checked out. I know i was your first, was i your favorite . Stephen of course. Of course. laughter congressman congressman Jack Kingston, i knew that. Tell me about the fighting first. Still number one . Yeah, four military installations, spire coast of georgia, great tourism, great port. Stephen your district contains savannah. Tell us a little bit about your town. Savannah was founded in 1733 by stephen thats enough. Thank you. All right. Congressman, do you recognize this woman . No. Stephen okay. Thats interesting because you cosponsored h. R. 1815, the lena horne recognition act, and yet you dont recognition lena horne. Yet you voted to recognize her. I think that the purpose of the legislation was to recognize the good things she has done. Stephen such as . Lena horne stephen yeah . I just remembered who she is. Stephen yeah. He died about two years ago, right . Stephen yeah. My image of her is the heavier woman of later years. Stephen yeah. I wouldnt recognize that picture. Stephen yeah. All right. Quick followup. Do you recognize this woman . No. Stephen this is also lena horne. When shes older. About the age you said you would recognize her. And you dont recognize her again. I gave lena my best. Stephen do you know one of her songs . Not off the top of my head. Dont know why theres no sun up in the sky Stormy Weather you have a very pretty voice. Stephen thank you. You have lovely hands. laughter lets talk about the elephant in the room. Youre no longer going to be the elephant in the room. This is your last year in congress and my last season of this show. I am leaving my show because i won television. Did you win congress . Well, i tried to run for the senate. Stephen how did that go . Did not go well. Stephen okay. Do you have something you want to do next . Not certain. Stephen you and i should do something together. We could open up a halloween store. Something like that. Those make serious coin. Well, actually, im going to miss the opportunity of affecting legislation and trying to build a better america. Stephen when it comes to tax policy, you have said that the proposed reduction on the im sorry. Let me try that again. Okay. Now, when it comes to tax policy and specifically the proposed reductions to the caps on Capital Gains i i i dont care anymore. Im sorry. I just blah, blah, blah. After nine years and 82 of these, im tired of asking these questions. And im tired of answering them. Stephen nobody ever has any fun up here lets get the hell out. Lets go. Stephen high five. cheers and applause schools out for summer schools out forever no more teachers teachers no more pencils no more books no more teachers dirty looks well, we got no class and we got no principles and we got no innocence we cant even think of a word that rhymes schools out for summer schools out forever schools been blown to pieces whistle blowing cheers and applause stephen well, congress, thanks for the memories its been great to better know you a little bit better shall we . Schools out for summer schools out forever stephen lets put every district up on the big board whoo cheers and applause oh, hey, hey this whole time it was a map of the United States laughter well be right back get to the terminal across town. Are all the green lights you . No. Its called grid iq. The 4 51 is leaving at 4 51. They cut the power. Itll fix itself. Powers back on. Quick thinking traffic lights and self correcting power grids make the world predictable. Thrillingly predictable. Just take a closer look. It works how you want to work. With a Fidelity Investment professional. Or managing your investments on your own. Helping you find new ways to plan for retirement. And save on taxes where you can. So you can invest in the life that you want today. Tap into the full power of your fidelity greenline. Call or come in today for a free oneonone review. Miller invented lite beer, and that changed everything. Great taste deserved great packaging, which led to new packaging, improved packaging, and ultimately, too many improvements. Which led us back to our original look. Miller lite we invented lite beer, youre welcome. What happened . Did they get him . [remote chime]. Gotta go. Lets go. [berenson] yeah. Were almost at the pickup. Ill call when theyre in the air. Falling behind you. Sound of a tree [thump] did the sound bar make the sound . W. Who has done somethingear. Special. Give them the gift for those who fly beyond. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Yeah, cmon welcome back nation. Nation, as you know, the colbert report goes off the air next thursday. audience reacts stephen no, no, its all right. No, no, no, no. So what the critics said when i started this show is finally true it wont last more than a couple weeks. laughter fortunately, theres still time to praise me. In fact, this morning, my doctor told me my cholesterol was off the chart laughter this is whos honoring me now. cheers and applause tonights honoring of me now comes from Entertainment Weekly because im on the cover cheers and applause in fact, im on the three different covers cheers and applause yes, i have been transformed into legolas gandalf and bilbo to celebrate the release of the final film in the hobbit trilogy the battle of the five armies. And im doing this for a very good reason Entertainment Weekly asked me if i wanted to guess dress up like middle earth people, and i said, uh, yeah. cheers and applause and my transformation was truly something to behold. These are time lapses of me getting into costume for the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Im stoked. Oh, god, this is perfection. cheers and applause yes, yes stephen you shall not pass excuse me. Excuse me. You there on the bridge. You shall not pass, okay . Read the sign no passing. Thank you. I will Call Security if you try to pass. Thank you very much. And inside, there are more amazing photos of me as the characters in action shots. Like this one where gandalf is at starbucks. Whats he drinking . Chi foo cheers and applause stephen the issue the issue also cheers and applause the issue also features my interview with Peter Jackson which is chock full of directorial insight, like when Peter Jackson says to me, i hadnt really thought about that, but youre right. My issue hits the news stands tomorrow. Buy a copy to find out what i was right about this time. Well be right back. cheers and applause hi, can you take our picture, please. Oh, of course vo meet maggie. Smile woah, this takes really good pictures vo maggie wants some handson experience. Handson experience. With samsung. But shes been going about it all the wrong way. I have . Yeah, you have. Vo luckily for maggie, there is a place for her to touch, try and play with all of the devices shes been dying to get her hands on. The Samsung Experience shop, only at best buy. To help spread some holiday cheer. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time; and 2 back at the grocery store. Thank you even before they got 3 back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through, a couple was inspired to use their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to throw the ultimate Ugly Sweater Party of the season. Thats the spirit of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. If every driver in the u. S. Kept heres a qtheir cars you tires properly inflated, how many gallons of fuel could america save each year . Up to 2 billion gallons . 4 billion . 6 billion . The answer is. Up to 4 billion gallons. By keeping your tires properly inflated, you can increase your cars fuel economy and reduce its co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. Pizza hut just made their biggest menu change ever, so were in italy to get the opinions of the experts. So argentina, are you ready to change pizza . No theyve redefined pizza with six bold sauces and ten new crust flavors. This not pizza its pretty cool that there are over twenty new ingredients, right franco . Too many. Oh do you like the salted pretzel crust . Its good i know oh get a pair of pizzas, a new one or an old favorite, for six ninetynine each. The flavor of now menu. Get it at pizza hut dot com. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight stars in the film adaptation of into the woods, as the baker. I hope theres some hardcore frosting. Please welcome james corden cheers and applause hey, james good to see you again nice to have you on im a big fan thank you very much. Stephen you are for the people who dont know a Tony Awardwinning actor, writer, comedian, you starred an gabby on the bbc which is a great show. The big news is people are is that youre taking over the late late show on cbs starting in march. This is true. Stephen wow incredible. Good for you, man. cheers and applause thank you very much. Stephen i have to say, though, following david letterman, that must be intimidating. Yeah. Stephen you must have some balls luckily im an hour later. So god help that guy. Stephen yeah. People who are really worried about it are the networks. Stephen yeah. I do 160 shows a year. How many shows have you done on television . About eight. laughter stephen the bbc model. You have eight and three years to do them, right . Yeah, im finished before i start. laughter stephen if i could get you advice, get sleep now. Okay. Stephen because i have been doing this show for nine years and my body is burning my teeth for fuel. All right . All right. Stephen youre going to have such a good time. When does it start . March. It will be every night of the week. Stephen yeah its going to be fantastic its going to be a complete disaster, lets be clear. Stephen no, heres what you will like about it. Im getting out of the game, but this is what youre going to like about it is if you think of something that day you will see whether people like it that night. When i was in a play a woman with two governors, youre working till 7 30, the audience, the guys selling the tickets, the people, the crew, and when its gone, its gone. You cant celebrate your hits or worry about your misses, there is another show the next day and im looking foashed to that consistency. Stephen youre also an accomplished actor. You have a serious movie into the woods. Yes. Stephen did you always like sondheim . I think hes the greatest living composer and lyricist in the world. Stephen hes our shakespeare. I think hes incredible. Stephen hes our shakespeare. Hes an american. Your shakespeare has been dead a long time. We have a living shakespeare. Yeah. Stephen youre doing it with some serious people, too. Yeah. Stephen johnny depps in there, Meryl Streeps in that. Meryl streep yeah. Stephen my god, whats it like to act with meryl streep . That must be intimidating. Whats it like . Its terrifying. Its a constant feeling of trying to thinketh very ordinary you might just be acting with meryl streep. Its a bit how i am now, im sitting here pretending this is an ordinary thing to do where, inside, im, like, oh, my god im on the colbert report cheers and applause stephen tonight, when your show starts, i have free time when this thing is over, can i come on your show . I would love you to come. It would be amazing. applause stephen lets talk about your love of singing. Have you been a singer a long time . The first musical when i was 17 was a musical on the second end. Its based on the story of martin gay. It was a terrible show, a disaster. But ive always loved musicals. Stephen ive worked with mr. Sondheim. He sent me a letter saying i have a perfect voice for musicl theater. I have a letter, and he cant take it back even after he heard me sing. Do you want to do a little song together . cheers and applause lets so a christmas carol. What do you like . Have your self a merry Little Christmas. Have yourself a merry Little Christmas may your heart be light from now on our troubles will be out of sight through the years we all may be together if fate allows hang a shining star upon the highest bough and have yourself a merry Little Christmas. Now cheers and applause Stephen James corden, into the woods, and the late late show. Late show. Break the ice, late show. With breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. I see stin their hands. S faces. In their eyes. People tell me stories without saying one word. So i listen. Then i give it back. What are you chasing . Hennessy. Never stop. Never settle. Fini did, thanks. K . beep beep beep confused honey, you wont believe. You were supposed to be out shopping. It went super quick. Happy birthday . with apple pay, using your wells fargo card just got easier. Ilists and checking them twice. G this year weve been at the top of more awards list than any other car company. During the chevy year end event we hope to be put on yours. Now during the chevy year end event, get the best offer of the year on this 2015 chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. And an xperia smart phoneon 4 and a roof. And you want to play playstation 4, on your phone, on your roof. Then you can get on your playstation 4, and get on your phone and your roof on your phone. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report good night, everybody cheers aptioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org december 9, 2014. From Comedy Central world view in new york, it is the daily show with jon stewart cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. My guests tonight, Kathryn Bigelow and juan zarate to talk about the illegal ivory trade. But we begin tonight with big news out of washington. The world is bracing for the release of the senate c. I. A. Torture report. This is going to be a very big deal. Jon its a big deal