Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141213 : vimarsana.

Stephen stephen thank you so much for being here. Please, youve given enough at this point. Thank you very much. You know, folks, i hope youre checking your calendars because i will be off the air for the 2016 president ial election, but folks that does not mean i cannot call it right now. So with zero percent of precincts caring, the next president of the United States will be wisconsin governor, scott walker. Congratulations, sir well deserved. Ooooh, they love you. Im calling this for Governor Walker right now because he has proven that he is smarter than he looks, sounds and governs. He knows that if you want to get elected in this country as a republican, you cant just appeal to white people. You also need to appeal to jewish white people. A number of highprofile republicans with sights on the 2016 president ial bid are returning from a weekend in sin city where they addressed the republican jewish coalitions annual spring gathering. Among those names, wisconsin Governor Scott walker. Governor scott walker hoping to get the blessing and fortune of casino mogul sheldon adelson. Stephen yes, the walker campaing wants the blessing and fortune of sheldon adelson, but hes not greedy. Hell settle for the fortune. And walkers affection for the jewish people is genuine. In fact, madisons the Capital Times has published a letter dating from walkers time as Milwaukee County executive, in which he tells a local jewish leader that he would be happy to display a menorah celebrating chanukah at the milwaukee courthouse, signing it thank you again, and molotov. laughter applause cheers now, walker probably meant mazel tov, which is yiddish for congratulations, and not molotov, which is a bottle of gasoline with a lit rag stuffed in the neck used to firebomb tanks. laughter so theres a little difference. Though in walkers defense, eight molotov cocktails would make for a very festive menorah. cheers and applause they said the gas would burn for only one night. Now i think Everyone Needs to just lay off walker here. Hes still learning. He hasnt yet developed the deep cultural understanding of the jewish people that i have. There is no greater friend of the children of israel than yours truly, so allow me to say a word on walkers behalf. Jewish nation, scott walkers a good guy. Hes a real munch. laughter ok, so he doesnt wear a yamaha or observe the sherbert. The important thing is that he was ready to display that minorah. Im sure, given the chance, he also would have displayed the majora. And were not even talking about a major jewish holiday here. Its not like this is Yom Tupac Shakur or shanana or even sucrose. If it werent the same time as christmas, nobody would even talk about hanakuna matata. Its just a fun family holiday where you eat potato tchotchkes and you spin the dildo. Dildo, dildo, dildo, i made you out of clay. Lets all cut scott walker some slack. Thats what the holiday seasons all about. Soto my jewish viewers, i, i tonight raise a glass of Lenny Kravitz and say a hearty lheimlich maneuver. cheers and applause folks, i dont want to act like im holier than thou. Im from south carolina. We say holier than yall. This is yahweh or no way. cheers and applause nation, i consider myself a proud bible thumper. Of course, i stopped when i discovered the bible frowns on premarital thumping. Of course, i dont read it much since all my favorite bible stories are the ones i dont have to read because theyre movies. I find gods message of eternal love goes down smoother when drenched with golden topping. Thats why i am so pumped for the upcoming biblical epic, exodus gods and kings. Its the perfect holiday movie, because nothing says christmas like passover. laughter now, for all my heathen viewers, exodus is the thrilling tale of one man standing against the pharaoh to free his people from slavery, this time starring Christian Bale as batmoses. laughter cheers but the liberal pharaohs dont want my people to go to this movie. An epic backlash over a biblical blockbuster. There are critics who say the cast is too white. The cast of the film is largely white even though the film is set in egypt. On twitter, the boycottexodusmovie is trending with some tweeting since when were ancient egyptians white . Others take issue with the fact that black and middle eastern actors only play slaves in this movie. Stephen oh, please. Does everything have to be about race . Even slavery . laughter so is it okay for movies to depict bibilcal yahweh of no way . Yahweh hallelujah first off, i am sick of the p. C. Police out there trying to take away our innocent fun at the movies. When im in the theater, i dont want to think about depressing things like race. I just want to sit in the dark with my kids and watch sinners drown in rivers of blood. Besides, director ridley scott had a solid explanation for not casting more middle easterners. Saying, i cant mount a film of this budget and say that my lead actor is mohammad soandso from suchandsuch. Im just not going to get it financed. Folks, no, listen, he is right. Hes absolutely right. If your star is mohammad soandso, youre not gonna get financing from hollywood, though you might get the c. I. A. To fund drone strikes on suchandsuchistan. applause here with you, scott, ridley. Plus ridley scott has the backing from the studio, media baron and survivor of the first scrotumtoface transplant, rupert murdoch. Rupey took to the tweetboards to discredit the boycottexodus campaign, saying, moses film attacked on twitter for all white cast. Since when are egyptians not white . All i know are. Its true all the egyptians rupert knows are white. Well, actually, more of a distressed linen. The point is, ruperts a modern guy. He has tons of minority friends who are white. In fact, hes so committed to diversity, almost every anchor at fox news looks like an ancient egyptian. cheers and applause me, too. And you know theyre the real deal because theyve had their brains removed through their noses. Well be right back. cheers and applause vo this is the hp x360. It has some pretty crazy moves. And these are some of the biggest vine, instagram, and youtube stars on the web. Bring them all together with one of the hottest artists in the world. And you create a music video like never before. Now thats how you bend the rules. Introducing the next generation hp x360. Just look at those two. Happy. In love. And saving so much money on their Car Insurance by switching to geico. Well, just look at this setting. Do you have the ring . Oh, helzberg diamonds. Another beautiful setting. Im not crying. Ive just got a bit of sand in my eyes, thats all. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Only pizza huts new menu takes flavor to the edge. Get any one of our ten new crust flavors for free. Like, toasted asiago crust. Salted pretzel crust. Or fiery red pepper crust, for free. Order now and score two medium pizzas for 6. 99 each. Get it all at pizzahut. Com. [remote chime] [dragon sounds] whoa. Only at zales, the diamond store. Smaug cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to the show, everybody. Now, longtime viewers folks, longtime viewers of my wrist will know that ive been wearing this red blais braislet for seven years. Its part of my wriststrong campaign in which i single wristedly raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Yellow Ribbon fund, which assists injured Service Members and their families. Its a perfect fit. applause because i believe nothing says Yellow Ribbon like red bracelets. When the iraq war ended in 2010, i took one wriststrong bracelet off, and now i can take the last one off. This morning a milestone in the war in afghanistan. The United States and nato officially ended their gas exwat mission. In afghanistan, the u. S. And nato officially closed their combat mission after more than 13 years. cheers and applause stephen all right, all right, there we go. Here we go. Boom now, i am i am sorry that our troops in afghanistan are not getting a parade like the one the iraq veterans didnt get. I dont be the problem. There must be a worldwide confetti shortage. So before i go off the air, im going to raise a little more green one last time for the Yellow Ribbon fund. cheers and applause . Tonight, i am raffling off parts of my set. Steve, tell them what they could win. Well, stephen, the firstplace winner will take home the actual Stephen Colbert desk, made of 100 genuine material. This timeless classic is shaped like a giant c, or a severely misshapen u. This very desk witnessed the countless historic moments on the colbert report, such as the time Stephen Colbert announced this raffle. Thanks, steve, that stowndz soundz thats not all. The secondplace winner upon take home this beautiful the colbert report fake fireplace, futuring everything you see here a genuine faux marble mantel. A butter soft and butterstained leather armchair, and 40inch flatron standard depth display with along video of a roaring fire. Oh, my god im on fire im in hell ah it burbs it burns. Stephen thanks steve. To win go to omaze. Com colbert, and youll be entered in the raffle for every 10 you donate. The more you donate, the more chances you have to win. Remember, its all for a good cause, because the money will be split equally between the Yellow Ribbon fund, and our friends at donor choose. Best of all, youll be helping me clear out my studio before next thursday or i dont get my Security Deposit back. Well be right back. cheers and applause the Volkswagen Golf was just named motor trends 2015 car of the year. So was the 100 electric egolf, and the 45 highway mpg tdi clean diesel. And last but not least, the High Performance gti. Looks like were gonna need a bigger podium. The Volkswagen Golf family. Motor trends 2015 cars of the year. With tmobile and iphone 6 you can make wifi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. Hey brandon whats up . So you can talk from down here. Smile for grandma or text pictures from up here. Ok, there we go, should we send a photo . You can even make calls, way over here. Talk and text over wifi, with wifi calling on iphone 6. Only from tmobile. Now get iphone 6 for 0 down. W. Who has done somethingear. Special. Give them the gift for those who fly beyond. Mmm. All this crispy cand just a buck 29 a buck 29 . Clear my calendar. I got a deal to close. Just a buck 29 for wendys monterey ranch Crispy Chicken. Our creamy ranch sauce meets Crispy Chicken and Monterey Jack cheese. [ male announcer ] give extra. Get extra. cheers and applause . Stephen thanks very much. Welcome back everybody my guest tonight has claws like spears. A tail like a thunder back in a moment, wings like a hurricane, and breath like death, please welcome the last great fire drake of the third age, smaug cheers and applause now, smaug, wheres the dragon . Smaug, everybody cheers and applause i want you to know they am not intimidated by you, even though you have a reputation as a tough interview because you often eat the host. I eat a lot of things, stephen. But you neednt worry. Youre my last interview of the day. Ive already filled up on the few. Stephen well, thats good to know. Now, smaug the impenetrable, thank you for being here. Its an honor. Yes. I imagine it is. laughter . Stephen now, i think you and i have a lot in common. We both live in gated communities and were both fiscal conservatives who sleep on giant piles of money. Quite right time to return to the gold standard. Rand paul, 2016 yeah get in, rand stephen now, i like your style, but not everybody does. Really . Stephen no. So lets go over your resume. Youre centuries old. Correct. Stephen you destroyed dale. Correct. Stephen you captured the dwarf kingdom and all its treasures. All very impressive. Thank you. Stephen yet, in this movie you come offaise bad guy. Why that . Its typical liberal hollywood bias. Its hard for conservatives to get good roles in this town. Thats why kelsey grammar and i are always up for the same part. Stephen okay, but over here, big guy. Dont eat the audience. Come oover here. Look, youre not playing the dragon card here, are you, smaug, because not all dragons get bad press. Stephen, im not asking for sympathy, but i am talking about real dragons, not the lizards of can the game of thrones. God, it disuftz me. Stephen okay, what about toothless from how to train your dragon. Hes the hero. No, hes not a hero. He is a captive who allows himself to be ridden by filthy children. More like bull. I am an oldschool, keeping it real, why o, doing what dragn do. Boom. Im the original radar. I invented the hostile takeover. I take your treasure. I drink your milk shake. Stephen okay. I get your point. Stay with me. Stay with me. Come on. Now, listen what about looking out for the little guy. Stephen did you or did not not try to kill bill bo . Stephen what, would do you if someone broke into your house wearing a hoodie. I was standing my ground. Do you have a problem with that . Stephen no, no, no. No, i dont. Lets talk about the new film the battle of the five armies. Tell me, does it stay true to the book . I actually havent read the obamacare so dont spoil it, please. Stephen oh, really . Well, then, i think the ending is going to get you right here. And i think we have a clip. Do we need to set this up . What are you talking about . No, i dont like this. I dont know what they sent. This is always so embarrassing. Im blushing. I can turn my head away without killing anyone . Stephen jimmy . cheers and applause stephen wow. That looked dangerous. Do you do your own stunts . Yes. But most of it is c. G. I. I think we have a photo from the set somewhere. Do we . To show the audience. Stephen jim. Motion capture can be so genius. I spent most of the movie reciting lines to a tennis ball on a stick. And im not even talking about orlando bloom. Stephen okay, enough. Can we talk about the real smaug . Its smoug . Stephen smauk. Smoug. Stephen smauk. I dont hear the difference. Just call me dude. Stephen dude, youve been called a most specially greedy strong and wicked worm. How does that make you feel . Pretty excited in a wormy kind of way. Who was it who said that . Was it Peter Jackson . Did he say that . Stephen no, actually it was professor tolken. Who . Stephen forget about it. Look, weve got to go, but before we do, any upcoming projects . You know, i was offered on a role on sherlock. I turned them down, of course. I mean, who wants to play second fiddle to that hack cumberbatch . Stephen well, Martin Freeman doesnt seem to mind. Martins cheap. He doesnt need much feeding, apparently. Sweet, little martin. Little, little, little man. Stephen yeah, but he got the better of you, though, didnt he . Bilbo, he tricked you. No. Stephen you know, theres that moment in the second movie when you finish toying with him and you rear back. Youre like how do you choose to die . Thats not how i did it, but carry on. Stephen yes it was. And he pops on the ring and he disappears. And youre like whawhat . I see, stephen. Did my people not tell you . Stephen tell me what . Never laugh at a live dragon bleep . Never laugh at a live dragon bleep . Stephen well be right quality. Uncompromising. Unchanging. Its our golden rule. And apparently others agree. My at t cell phone bill. In your hand . Verizon bill . Yeah. Thats cool. Nooo. How much are you spending per month . 110 bucks 120 bucks 260 what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half . And give you unlimited talk and text in the u. S. , and match your data. Goodbye verizon. I am done with at t. Dont miss the cut your bill in half event. Bring us your verizon or at t bill, turn in your old phone, and well cut your rate plan in half. Visit us online or visit a sprit store today. Only pizza huts new menu takes flavor to the edge. Get any one of our ten new crust flavors for free. Like, toasted asiago crust. Salted pretzel crust. Or fiery red pepper crust, for free. Order now and score two medium pizzas for 6. 99 each. Get it all at pizzahut. Com. If every driver in the u. S. Kept heres a qtheir cars you tires properly inflated, how many gallons of fuel could america save each year . Up to 2 billion gallons . 4 billion . 6 billion . The answer is. Up to 4 billion gallons. By keeping your tires properly inflated, you can increase your cars fuel economy and reduce its co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. Fini did, thanks. K . beep beep beep confused honey, you wont believe. You were supposed to be out shopping. It went super quick. Happy birthday . with apple pay, using your wells fargo card just got easier. Meat sticnope. Ep uh huh uh oh. Oh, yes oh, no. Uh huh snap into a partay. Snap into a slim jim [laughing] i see stin their hands. S faces. In their eyes. People tell me stories without saying one word. So i listen. Then i give it back. What are you chasing . Hennessy. Never stop. Never settle. cheers and applause stephen well, thats it for the report, everybody. Before we go, i want to thank smallsmaug and all his handlers, thank you. Lets see benedict cumberbatch, Peter Jackson, fran walsh, philippa boyens, matt aitken, marvyn young, zoe sakernorrish, philip korsika, mat monro, alexander berson, sebastian bommersheim, douglas mchale, cody amos, jason lazaroff, simon baker, gerardo aguilera, chay johansson, max telfer, aaron gilman, alex burt, anthony mcindoe, ben folkman, carlos fraiha, carmelo leggiero, caz ting, daniel zettl, dave clayton, drew park, edwina ting, jerry kung, joseph king, julian legge, kevin estey, ludovic chailloleau, mark smith, matthew riordan, merlin maertz, mike clark, peter chen, simeon duncombe, victor huang, david farmer, brent burge, jason baker and matt lappin. cheers and applause i speak for everyone here at the report when i say, holy captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals worldview headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. My guest tonight, wrestling star and allaround greatest guy in the world, mick foley with his movie, i am santa. cheers and applause well be excited to talk to mick again. But first ahhh for the past 48 hours, america has been forced to ask itself some very difficult questions about the way we force other people to answer some difficult questions. laughter on