Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141215 : vimarsana.

Curtain. I dont know. laughter were at beautiful George Washington university. cheers and applause George Washington university, of course, named for our first president , george university. laughter because this is the nations capital. I am proud to launch part one of my onepart series. Better know a america. Tonight, america the fightin us. america began 270 million years ago as part of pangea, until it split off, thanks to jesus. laughter it was a happy accident all he was trying to do is send an earthquake to punish gay dinosaurs. laughter in 1776, america happened. When visiting america. Dont miss out on its signature dish food. cheers and applause look for it under the melted cheese. laughter and who has the oval offices to represent this great nation . None other than twoterm president barack obama. cheers and applause i recently sat down with president obama later on in tonights show. laughter of course, the republican landslide in the midterms was a stinging rebuke of the president. I checked, he didnt get one vote. laughter and yet, right after the midterms, he issues an executive order shielding up to 5 million illegal immigrants. cheers and applause yeah. Shielding them. He is shielding them. Now hes making them s. H. I. E. L. D. Agents . laughter nick fury must be. Very angry. Only word i could think of. Then the president signed a Climate Change accord with china, pushed the f. C. C. To adopt net neutrality, and wants to put cameras on cops. cheers and applause obama is totally out of control. Hes like both guys in Lethal Weapon at once a crazy renegade with nothing to lose and the black guy whos this close to retirement laughter worst of all, im getting too old for this bleep worst of all, obama is threatening to give us healthcare again, because from now until february 15th is the obamacare open enrollment period, when you can go online and select whichever death panel you prefer to smother you in your sleep. cheers and applause but dont fall for it. No do not fall for it or anything this guy says. He cant make things happen. The people with real power in this country are pundits like me and papa bear. I have more power doing what im doing, okay, than getting involved with the political process. Plus, you have to kiss butt to get money. You know, 150 million to run for president. I can get things done like that. And that kind of power i could never have in elected office. y stephen oh, yeah. Oreilly clearly has more power than the president. Whens the last time obama sold selflubricating catheters . laughter point is, i could be a politician like that snap but a politician could never do my job, which is why everyone should listen to my cure for obamacare, and that brings us to tonights cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen. cheers and applause stephen i didnt expect you out here so soon. Thanks so much. cheers and applause president obama, im thrilled you here but i did not expect you for another three minutes. laughter stephen, you have been taking a lot of shots at my job. I decided im going to go ahead and take a shot at yours. cheers and applause i want you to get out of the way. What part of the segment are we in now . What were you going to be doing stephen i was about to do the word, sir. The word. cheers and applause how hard can this be . laughter im just going to say whatever you were about to say. Stephen okeydoke. Okay. cheers and applause nation nation, instead of the word, lets make this a little more president ial, which brings us to tonights decree. playing hail to the chief, then clang . To health in a hand basket. Nation, as you know, i, stephen colbert, have never cared for our president. laughter the guy is so arrogant, i bet he talks about himself in the third person. laughter cheers and applause but even i have to admit that obamacare is the law of the land. And while its been politically divisive, there are things that people from both parties like about obamacare. laughter for instance, that children can stay on their parents policies until age 26. cheers and applause nearly 7 Million People signed up last year and almost 1 million more have signed up in just the past few weeks. cheers and applause now, nation, the question is how do you stop something that more and more people are starting to like . applause well, first off a, now that the republicans control both the house and the senate, they could pass a bill repealing obamacare. But the president still has the veto. And if i know that guy, hes willing to use it. cheers and applause and lets face it. If republicans somehow did repeal it, theyd have to replace it with their own healthcare plan. laughter and once they touch it, they own it. Then if anything goes wrong, suddenly everybody will be complaining about mitch mcconnellcare. cheers and applause of course, another strategy is taking obamacare to the Supreme Court and trying to get it thrown out. But last time we tried that, it didnt work. I believe theres only one sure fire way to kill this thing. laughter applause we have to make signing up for obamacare unappealing to young people. laughter cheers and applause we can scare them away by reminding them that last years web site rollout was a little bumpy. laughter remember the original healthcare. Gov web site . I think thats where disney got the idea for frozen. laughter now, the new web site works, and most young people can get covered for less than 100. But hows the president going to get that message out to the kids . applause he could try to appeal to them directly through a speech or a press conference, but young people dont watch real news shows like this one. cheers and applause they watch comedy shows, and i just dont see the president going on one of those. Theyre beneath his dignity. cheers and applause besides, even if he did get his message across, young people dont think they need any insurance. After all, theyre young they dont realize that everyone eventually grows older. Some at a faster rate than others. laughter applause and thats the decree. Well be right back with the leader of the free world. cheers and applause to conceal. So anna switched him to iams indoor weight and hairball care. Now that hes lost the weight, hes a bit of a showoff. Just one of many iams formulas to keep love strong. Stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my guest tonight is the leader of the free world, and was recently named permanent guest host of the the colbert report. Please welcome president barack obama cheers and applause thank you thank you stephen sorry. Didnt mean to steal your thunder there, sir. Sorry about that. I will have to say, i felt more powerful behind that desk. Stephen oh, with great power comes medium cable ratings. laughter now, to speak of which, the leader of the free world. I am. Stephen finger on the trigger, steer the country through the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression cheers and applause stephen i am the host of a cable show four nights a week. Guys like us understand leadership. Okay . laughter we understand leadership. Are you still president after the midterms . Because the republicans are quite surprised that youre doing anything at all. laughter that shellacking didnt rattle the president ial seal off your podium . laughter look, the election didnt go as i would have liked. laughter you will notice i made a little correction there. Stephen yeah. I had a little thought bubble. laughter but as president , the only office where youre elected by people all across the country, youve still got a lot of responsibilities, and my intention is over the next two with years is to make sure, wherever possible, working with congress, we can get everything we can do done to help working families get ahead, to make sure young people can afford to go to college cheers and applause stephen lets talk about the young people. Yeah. Stephen lets talk about creating jobs and our northern border. Lets talk about the keystone xl. Congress will pass that, now that the republicans are in there, house and senate will pass it. American people want jobs. They say it wont create pollution. Booboo. Youre going to sign it, right . Keystone is going through an evaluation process now, being held up by a court in nebraska, making a decision about whether the route is legal or not. You know, in the first instance, i dont make the initial decisions. The state department evaluates it. Stephen but youre going to sign it when the bill comes to you . What i said is, im going to make sure that if we look at this objectively, weve got to make sure that its not adding to the problem of carbon and Climate Change because, you know, these young people are going to have to live in a world where we already know temperatures are going up, and keystone is a potential contributor of that. We have to examine that and weigh that against the amount of jobs its actually going to create, which arent a lot. Essentially, its canadian oil passing through the United States to be sold on the world market. Not going to push down gas prices here in the United States. Its good for canada. It could create a couple thousand jobs in the initial construction of the pipeline, but weve got to measure that against whether or not it is going to contribute to an overall warming of the planet that could be disastrous. cheers and applause stephen can i make a suggestion . I have a suggestion. I have a suggestion that i think might kill two birds with one keystone here, all right . Go ahead. Stephen this ones free. We dont field it to los angeles. Build that pipe over the mexican border, the other end is open with a signed that says moocho jobso. The people take the thing all the way over the border, they end up in canada, and the canadians are too polite to kick them out and theres your immigration policy. Taken care of. applause thats free. That sounds like a ridiculous idea. laughter but thats why youre where you are and i am where i am. cheers and applause stephen can you stick around for just one moment . Yes. Stephen well be right back with president barack obama. cheers and applause the Volkswagen Golf was just named motor trends 2015 car of the year. So was the 100 electric egolf, and the 45 highway mpg tdi clean diesel. And last but not least, the High Performance gti. Looks like were gonna need a bigger podium. The Volkswagen Golf family. Motor trends 2015 cars of the year. Just look at those two. Happy. In love. And saving so much money on their Car Insurance by switching to geico. Well, just look at this setting. Do you have the ring . Oh, helzberg diamonds. Another beautiful setting. Im not crying. Ive just got a bit of sand in my eyes, thats all. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Get to the terminal across town. Are all the green lights you . No. Its called grid iq. The 4 51 is leaving at 4 51. They cut the power. Itll fix itself. Powers back on. Quick thinking traffic lights and self correcting power grids make the world predictable. Thrillingly predictable. When electricity is generated heres awith natural gasu instead of todays most used source, how much are co2 emissions reduced . Up to 30 . 45 . 60 . The answer is. Up to 60 less. And thats a big reason why the u. S. Is a world leader in reducing co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. cheers and applause stephen were back with the president of the United States president Barack Hussein obama mr. President , thank you for being here. Its very exciting. You and i dont always see eye to eye on things im glad about that, by the way. Stephen youre glad we dont see eye to eye . Yes, i would be worried if i saw eye to eye with you. Stephen i would like to look in your eyes but im only about 510 1 2. laughter its exciting to say the words president of the United States. Do you ever get excited when you hear the words president barack obama . No. laughter stephen do you like the job . I love the job. cheers and applause its an incredible privilege, but when youre in it, youre not thinking about it in terms of titles, youre thinking about how do you deliver for the american people, and also when i go home, michelle, malia, sasha give me a hard time and there are no trumpets and they tease me mercilessly for my big ears or my stodgy suits stephen do you do normal things like leave your socks on the floor and stuff like that . I do. Stephen how does that go over . Not well. laughter stephen you have the Nuclear Launch codes, right . Yes, i do. Stephen im not going to ask for them. Good. Stephen can you tell me if theres a 5 in there . laughter no. Stephen all right, all right. Speaking of trusting people with extraordinary power. laughter i want to go back one second to 2008. Part of your campaign was believing that the president at the time had invested the executive with too much power. Then you became president , and you seemed to have a whole lot of power. Right. Stephen does that happen to every president , where you get into the office and you think, you know what . I might be the only one i trust with this much power, so ill hold on to it . laughter j well, for the first time, youre asking a sensible question. laughter what is true laughter the structure of our democracy is checks and balances, and every president , even if on the outside they were complaining, theres always the temptation to want to go ahead and get stuff done and democracy is messy and complicated. So the tendency is to say, well, let me see if i can get this done, just because things are so bottled up, especially at a moment when theres a lot of gridlock. What ive tried to do is to make sure that the office of Legal Council which weighs in on what we can and cannot do is fiercely independent. They make decisions. We work well within the lines of that. But my preference would be to get a whole lot more done through congress, which is why, for example, in the immigration legislation, what i said to them is, if you dont agree with how were approaching this executive action, there is an easy solution, pass a bill. cheers and applause if you pass a bill, then were going to be able to get things done. You know, too often what we have is a congress that is stuck, and then the executive and or the courts end up filling the gaps. And i think that the more we can get congress to actually work the way its supposed to, the less these problems come up. Stephen last question, sir. Yes, go ahead. Stephen barack obama, great president , or the greatest president . cheers and applause ill leave that one alone, Stephen Stephen president barack were honored to have you thank you so much cheers and applause cheers and applause barack obama, everybody tell her your love is never ending with an unstoppable love diamond. At zales, the diamond store. 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An apron is not quitting until youve made something a little better. What does an apron have to do with Car Insurance . For us, everything. Just take a closer look. It works how you want to work. With a Fidelity Investment professional. Or managing your investments on your own. Helping you find new ways to plan for retirement. And save on taxes where you can. So you can invest in the life that you want today. Tap into the full power of your fidelity greenline. Call or come in today for a free oneonone review. cheers and applause stephen well, thats a wrap for the colbert report in washington, d. C. see ya wouldnt want to be ya good night cheers and applause stephen whoo captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine captions by vitac www. Vitac. Com mom mom mom, seriously somhas happened ful what is it, snookums . Mom, look the tooth fairy i put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me 2 shes only given me a lousy quarter before oh, my. She must think that you are a very special little muffin. Yeah, this is so tits dont say tits, eric. Oh, i mean, this is so cool well, perhaps now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest. Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, mom. Im goin to the toy store and buy me a skateboard. But, eric, i think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving. The tooth fairywhat wants me to do. Youre not the tooth fairy ill see you later. Oh, man, this is so tits cartman you guys, youre not gonna believe this oh, my god, you guys, seriously just wait until you hear this im rich im totally rich arent you stoked . What the hells wrong with cartman . Hes fat and hes stupid . Look at what the tooth fairy left me last night 2 no way for one tooth . For one tooth every time i lost a tooth, i only got a quarter. I only got a jar of gefilte fish. Well, that doesnt matter, because i have an idea that is totally tits totally what . I dont know why the tooth fairy is being so cool to me maybe shes hot for me but if we all chip in with teeth, then i can hide them under my pillow, and we can get enough money to buy a sega dreamcast all sega dreamcast . all we need is teeth. All my baby teeth. T me too unhunh you still have baby teeth, kenny . Mphmmp kenny, think about it dont you want a sega dreamcast . Mrph rmh rmphm mrph rmh all right kennys in, you guys tits [ bell rings ] okay, the string is tied to kennys tooth. You ready over there . Almost. You ready, timmy . Timmy when i say go, you slam your electric wheelchair intookay, timmy . Timmy right, youre timmy. Timmy timmy yahyah mrph [bleep] rmphm ill tell you why it has to be you, kenny. Your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday anyway. You should actually be thanking us. [ mimicking ] oh, thank you, guys youre welcome, kenny [bleep] ymph get ready, timmy. Timmy hey, guys, what are you doin . We need a tooth, so were using timmys wheelchair to pull out one of kennys. Oh, hey, i got a loose tooth right here. You what . you what . mrph rmh . timmy yep, one of mine came out not two hours ago. Uh, butters, could we have it . Well, heck, no, you cant have it why, im gonna stick it under my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. 50 cents a tooth yah