Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20161102 : vimarsana.com

White half for halloween . What was that . No, im sorry. I dont accept that. I know the president can dance better than that. Obamas got swag for days, and i saw first lady on carpool karoake, she has it, too. I see whats going on here. Barack is thinking of the children in the room. First of all, its probably not good to act too much like Michael Jackson around kids, i get that, but also its not cool if the kids are trying to do their thriller moves and then the president gets on stage and moonwalks around him and says, now, you got served now you go to gitmo whoo the good news, one week from today the president ial election will be over, and that day cannot come soon enough because not only is it ruining the country, its ruining my fridays. You think im joking. Every friday afternoon some huge new breaking story rocks the political world, the pussy grab tape, friday afternoon. The dnc hack, friday afternoon. Hillarys secret speech transcripts, friday afternoon. Tgif used to mean thank god its friday, now it means this government is bleep . applause last friday afternoon, like usual, we got another bombshell. The f. B. I. s clinton bombshell. A blockbuster doublebarreled october surprise from f. B. I. Director james comey. He is investigating Hillary Clinton and her server again. He says this in connection with an unrelated case, the f. B. I. Has learned of the existence of emails that appear pertinent to the investigation. Trevor oh, you thought the email scandal was over . Well, it turns out, comey dont play dat laughter look how the scandal affected everything. Before last week, hillary had the election in the bag. Trump outed a pervert who tries to conceal his tiny hands by hiding them inside vaginas. laughter hillary wasnt just winning, she was measuring the drapes in the oval office and making sure he had a pantsuit to match. laughter but now since comeys completely ambiguous revelation, hillarys lead has been cut in half and turns out the only thing worse than this discovery was how it was discovered. Those emails found on a loptop belonging to Anthony Weiner, the husband of clintons longtime aid huma abedin, currently under investigation for purportedly sexting with an underaged girl. Trevor Anthony Weiner . are you kidding me . Hillary clinton, 30 years of Public Service and her whole life is going to be taken down by this guys dickpics . It feels like this is the penis itself trying one last time to stop the vagina from getting into the white house. It seems like Anthony Weiners penis is sacrificing itself for all the other penises out there just diving in front of the election like, nooooo cheers and applause and, by the way, if you dont know Anthony Weiner, this is not the first time his dick has blown up in everyones face. It came from congressmans Anthony Weiners twitter account over the weekend, a photo of an anonymous mans bulging underwear. Is that a photograph of you . Were trying to find out where that photograph came from. Congressman Anthony Weiner resigns amid intense pressure over his sexting scandal. Disgraceful congressman Anthony Weiner wants another shot at political life. Anthony weiner enters mayors race. Anthony weiner caught in sexting scandal again. Wiener plummeted to fourth place. Wiener lost by a small margin. Wiener caught sexting again. Worst of all wiener sent out a picture of the couples son, sexting. Trevor this guy is trying to see how many times he can end his career. Hell go to medical school next. Dr. Wiener, heres your diploma. Heres your dickpic, im out. Anthony weiner is a guy known for sexting total strangers. He text add woman named sidney leathers that he promised to bang her so hard that her would hit her in the face. Yes. Once again, a politician making empty promises. This bleep is so crazy and at the same time the story is so shakeshakespearean, you dont tk about it. Hillary survives bills sex scanned bull now gets a scanned from her top aids husband and bill married them, not to mention trump got his sex scandal from billy bush whose uncle was defated by hillarys husband before he was defeated by his cousin jeb there are only 15 characters in the entire story. Now because of the new sexting scandals in the emails, there is a time crunch. There are key search terms and the process of sifting reports through Anthony Weiners computer has begun. Trevor i feel so bad for those f. B. I. Agents. You went through grueling training, dreamed of taking down mob bosses and serial killers, now youre basically living the life of harassed woman on tinder. Dickpic, dickpic, dickpic, thats a fake nope, upside down pick. Dickpic, dickpic. Do you know what made the story crazier . If donald trump predicted this over a year ago. Trump sounded the alarm about Anthony Weiners proximity to Sensitive Information early on. Huma, who is huma married to . One of the great sleaze bags of our time, Anthony Weiner you know, the little bing, bing, bing, bong, bong so, huma is getting 5 chances do you think there is a chance shes not telling Anthony Weiner whats coming across . Trevor where was trump in a revival tent . Its like he was casting out demons. I said to the demon i said to the demon get out, demon binghampton bong bong bing, bing, bong, boing, get out, demon get out he sounded like a mad map a yeampleght when he shouted bing, bing, bong, bong, he was making sense, even though he looks and talks like beaker from the muppets. Bing, bing, bong, bing, trump is the one on the left. The one on the right is more qualified to be president. Can you imagine what the Founding Fathers would think of this election . Have you ever thought about that . Because they dont have dickpic scandals. Partly because back then you had to employ an artist to do an oil painting you ever member of your member. I know a lot of people are thrown about this Anthony Weiner scandal. One thing we should learn from all this is Anthony Weiner, he needs to start using his dickpics for good. Seriously. Hes so talented at getting attention paid to his penis thivment about it, his scandal is gone and his penis brought the emails back. He needs to harn tess the power to raise awareness for important issues. He should put a polar bear on melted arctic ice in the background. Yeah, and people would be like did you see what happened with that . Weve got to investigate Climate Change some people see sexting scandals. I see a [ 80s music ] can i get anyone a beer . Make it a redds apple ale redds apple ale. Also for a limited time in ginger apple. Prge a manufacturer. Well thats why i dug this out for you. Its your grandpappys hammer and he would have wanted you to have it. It meant a lot to him. Yes, ge makes powerful machines. But ill be writing the code that will allow those machines to share information with each other. Ill be changing the way the world works. interrupting you cant pick it up, can you . Go ahead. He cant lift the hammer. Its okay though youre going to change the world. Sweetie, you know what were craving right now . Crispy chicken and fried egg with baconlike brunch. Brunch . But its 8pmand its tuesday huh, i wonder if my mother would like to stay with us. Heres what im thinkingbrunch. All day, every day. Should we get started . Who wants coffee . Introducing my new brunchfast menu. With 10 delicious items like my bacon and egg chicken sandwich, southwest scrambler plate, a sparkling blood orange cooler, and homestyle potatoes. Served all day, every day. Only at jack in the box. Trevor welcome back to the daily show its time to talk about health, and here to help me is our very own michelle wolf, everybody cheers and applause thank you, trevor. I am so excited to be here with you on your last week before you get deported by president trump. laughter its true. As a parting gift, i come bearing good news there could soon be a new form of Birth Control available. And this one is for men. An International Study found experimental Birth Control injections for men are almost as effective as pill for women. It was 96 effective in reducing sperm count. Trevor wow what im talkin about welcome to man Birth Control truly fantastic, michele. Lets calm down the premature elation. Turns out one thing men could pull out of was the study. The study was halted early because of the concern over a number of side effects including mood swings, depression, acne and increased sex drive. Ah, poor men couldnt complete the Birth Control study because it gave you pimples and made you moody you guys call that side effects, i call that day four of a fairytale period thats right, in my fairytale there are pimples trevor jeez, michele, on behalf of all men, i would like to apologize. Not accepted at the slightes slightest incone you immediately surrendered. Like you got to the beaches of normandy around said, i cant fight the weather makes me sad such little bitches one of the side effect is increased sex drive men always end up winning i mean, the shot may as well be called more sex less babies cheers and applause trevor well, actually, i think its grammatically fewer babies. This is not the time for grammar. You do realize, when we take the pill, we get all those adverse side effects and it decreases our sex drive, and it causes blood clots. And strokes that can kill us now that i think about it, side effects are the only area where women earn more than men. applause first, men were, like, i cant feel anything with condoms. And now men are, like, because of Birth Control, i feel too much what are you, bleep goldilocks . And if the study wasnt bad enough for the ladies, unlike a marntion bad news keeps on coming. Oral cancer among men is on the rise, jumped from 61 between 2011 and 2015. Researchers said the increase may be linked to hpv and the fact the younger men are more sexually active. Younger men are more likely to perform oral sex under assumption it is saver than traditional intercourse. Going down on a woman causes cancer . Tits one thing we had you guys are just getting the hang of it and now they have an excuse to stop . trevor michele, look, this is unfortunate news but at the end of the day, that study oh, now you want to finish a study . Trevor no, michele, the scientist said going down on a woman could cause oral cancer and cancer is no joke. Dont bull bleep me they say everything causes cranser. They say cell phones cause cancer and you still put your face all over that. They say red meat causes cancer, no problem eating that. But maybe vaginas cause carnes and now youre captain caution. Trevor what if we die . If you die with cancer, might as well die with me happy ill make sure your name lives on and i will scream it over and over and over you may die of throat cancer but you will definitely die a hero Trevor Michelle wolf, well be right back cheers and applause [ 80s music ] can i get anyone a beer . Make it a redds apple ale redds apple ale. Also for a limited time in ginger apple. Simulation initiated. [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. Simulation complete. The new nissan rogue. Rogue one a star wars story. In theaters december 16th. announcer vo the new pixel phone by google. Only on verizon. Okay, google, show me korean restaurants in boulder. Google Assistant i found a few places. announcer vo the only network than can power the first phone with the new Google Assistant, unlimited photo storage, and a stunning vr experience. How is this possible . announcer vo so buy a pixel, only on verizon, and get up to 400 back. And right now get 20 gigs and four lines for just 160 with no surprise overages. All on americas best network. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is president Obamas National Security advisor. Please welcome ambassador susan rice cheers and applause trevor welcome to the show. Great to be here. Thanks so much. Trevor its really, really wonderful to have you. You have one of the most fascinating jobs in the world. Every day, you sit down with the president of the United States and you give him a security briefing. Is there ever a day where youre laughter not that i can recall. Trevor thats quite a stressful job to have. The bearer of bad news every single day. We have a picture of you two in the white house. Off wonderful relationship, yourself and the president , there you are throwing the football. Look at the spiral is that that is a good spiral. Is that how you soften the blow . Is that how you throw it and youre, like, mr. President , go long to mosul were facing another threat. Is that how you think . No, not exactly. Trevor youre in a world where the briefings im sure have ramped up because of many things happening all over the world and your job is to look at the external threats affecting america. Now, you cant comment on this election. Thats right. Trevor youre prevented by the hatch act. Exactly. Trevor which is a wonderful place to be, i can imagine for you. Do people ask you questions and you just smile . I try. Trevor youve said enough. laughter with whats been happening with russia, russia being linked to the hacking of, you know, the United States, them reportedly trying to hack into the election and so on, is that something that you have to look to as a genuine threat . Well, certainly we are concerned as the Intelligence Community has put out that there is strong evidence now that russia has been actually directly implicated in the hacking of, for example, the d. N. C. Or the d. C. C. C. , and we believe trying to interfere in our electoral process. Having said that, youve also heard very senior officials make clear that the integrity of our election process we have great confidence in. Trevor yes. That it is very difficult for any actor, nation state accuratr knopstate actor to tamper with our Voting System if any meaningful way because our systems are decentralized. Theyre at the state and local level, not connected to the internet, our voting machines, so were not worried about actual vote tampering from the russians, but their influence in peoples perception and stealing information and utilizing it is of great concern. Trevor you have to travel the world, going to other countries, making cabt with them, learning about these threats from the world. This is an election where i know i have been traveling and hearing what people have been saying about whats happening in the u. S. And how they feel. Do you feel that, when you travel, there is a certain level of uncertainty about the u. S. From the outside . Well, the world is watching this election as intensely as anybody here in the United States because, in a strange way that we may not appreciate sitting inside the u. S. , they view the election of the u. S. President as something they have a direct stake in. Trevor yes. So we hear from our partners, friends and even adversaries their reactions so whats happened in the context of this very unusual campaign. Trevor thats very interesting when you say you hear from your adversaries. How do you chat with your add veer sars . Do you have twitter beef type ning . laughter we talk to our adversaries. Trevor like, how do you like, what is on the phone. Trevor yeah . By email. Trevor no, but, i mean, like, what do the people say . I dont talk to my adversaries. I dont know how you handle this. Are they pleasant . Do you say, like, have a nice day at the end of the call, or do you jest end it . laughter until about four years ago i was the u. S. Ambassador to the united nations, so i had to deal with countries all over the world, some Close Friends and partners and some were not. In every case, we actually do talk to those we dont have simplematic relations with. There was a time i had to engage on occasion with iran long before we were talking about the nuclear deal. Trevor yes. Worked very closely with china and russia, which can be difficult interlocutors at times. But we always talk and have to deal with the issues that face us, even when we are on opposing sides of very important issues. Trevor you have many difficult decisions that need to be made. Like you said, youre getting the president s judgment, giving him briefings. The world is in a place where obviously due to the rise of extremism, whether i. S. I. S. Or other forces, certain decisions have to be made by the u. S. When does america decide that it needs to act in a forceful manner . When is that moment . Well, first of all, america cant afford to be isolationist. We are the world leader, and the world looks to us to play an important role. I think the difficulty or the challenges, what is the form and the nature of our leadership . Its not always the exercise of military force. In fact, that should be something that we exercise relatively rarely, and when our most core interests are implicated. But our diplomatic leadership, our Economic Leadership are things that are critical, and when challenges arise the world looks to us, frankly, to deal with them. Trevor where do you go from here . Your life has consisted of waking up every day and reading basically the most horrifying news of the world. What do you do after this . I know exactly where i go right after. I find the nicest beach i can possibly find in the most remote part of the world i can possibly find. applause with only my husband, no kids, just my husband. Trevor because your kids are one of the threats no blackberry, no kids. No iphone, just killing. Justchilling. Trevor youve earned it. Thank you so much, everybody. Well be right back. Thank you so much. cheers and applause when it comes to healthcare, seconds can mean the difference between life and death. For partners in health, time is life. We have 18,000 people around the world. The microsoft cloud helps our entire staff stay connected and Work Together in real time to help those that need it. The ability to collaborate changes how we work. What we do together changes how we live. Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . Girl, where do you think youre going . Trevor thats our show. Thanks for tuning in. midnight coming up next. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. Whats going on, man . Chris its 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. til then, were gonna expand your minds with all the stuff theyre too scared to teach you in school. Theyre bleep lying to you in school, man. But im your friend. Im chris hardwick. Ill tell you the truth. The internet has been teeming with fresh allegations of ties between the russian government and ziploc bag full of pee, donald trump. Rumors are swirling about everything from russian servers communicating with the Trump Organization to allegations that the kremlin is blackmailing him with a secretlyrecorded sex tape of him in a russian orgy yuck well, to be fair, though, he didnt know it would be an orgy. He was just having sex with one russian woman, and there ended up being four other women inside of her. So its not really. cheers and applause but as deliciously scandalous as these rumors sound, as of right now, the f. B. I. Has found no clear connections between trump and russia. The rumors have no hard proof, and it kind of feels like a lastditch effort to throw anything imaginable at him to see what sticks. Now, dont get me wrong