My dear mr. Burns, my wife is another gracie allen, and im sure you could use what she said the other night when i came home from work. Well, i didnt finish the letter. I knew right away she wasnt another gracie allen. If she was, she wouldnt be working. audience laughing but i wish you could meet my four writers. When you get to know them, writers are very much like people. Theyre affected by the way they feel. For instance, if one of my married writers should come in with an idea for a story about a husband being kicked around by his wife, i know right away hes temporarily having trouble at home. And if my other married writers think the idea is funny, theyre not having trouble. Thats a temporary condition too. audience laughing then ive got one who plays the horses. If he has a bad week, his jokes arent very funny. If he has a good week, he doesnt write at all because he doesnt need the money. audience laughing that last joke is his. Hes been on a bad losing streak. Entirely on writers. Now, theyre in trouble, but not me cause i know how to switch a joke. Lets take that old classic. Who is the lady i saw you with last night . That was no lady, that was my wife. Now, that can be switched a lot of ways. Take a sultan could say to his friend, which one of my wives did i see you with last night . Or, one frenchmen could say to another one, why didnt i see you with my wife last night . Or an englishman could say to another englishman, who is the lady i saw you with last night . And the other englishman would say, that was no lady, that was a duchess. audience laughing and king arthur could say to lady guinevere, who was that last knight i saw you with this morning . audience laughing some comedians need writers, and boy am i one of them. phone ringing good afternoon, tucker matrimonial agency, mr. Tucker speaking. And ive got to do it fast. Well, we have a splendid selection of young ladies. Oh, well, all right, ill be right down to pick one out. Well, thats somewhat unusual. Well, his father told me to do that. Well, very well, but when you come down be sure and bring a picture of him. All right. [gracie] why would he want a picture of his father . If he wants a picture of george, i guess the man knows his business. That george burns must have lost his mind. Surprised that such a small object wasnt misplaced long ago. audience laughing [george] sung from time to time in every clime. Oh, hello, blanche, you wanted to see me . [blanche] no, i wanted to talk to you. Believe me, seeing you is no pleasure. Blanche, youre beautiful. Ive never seen you look prettier. [harry] george burns, are you out of your mind . No, i meant it, i think blanche looks beautiful. Ive never seen her look better. I was referring to young ronald. Well, he thinks so too. Youre the only one who doesnt. You must have had a good nights sleep. You look beautiful. Look, beautiful. George, george, for someone who thinks them self so clever you are pretty stupid. Imagine sending gracie to a matrimonial agency to find a wife for ronnie. I never heard of such a thing. It is impossible to conceive that you would have so little regard for the future welfare of your offspring. You are unworthy of the name of father. Youre a miserable husband too. Its not bad enough that you thought of this idea, but to make gracie do your dirty work for you. Ooh, how could anyone be so low . On previous occasions, i knew that you were totally lacking in the finer sensibilities, but this time you have plunged the abysmal depths. He means youre lower than a worm. Arent you going to say anything . [blanche] why did you do it . Because i couldnt wait for my writers to see jack benny. Marriage is a novel institution. Thousands of women have come to me seeking love and companionship, and i am proud to say that i have made all of them very happy. My goodness, how did you find time to do all that and run your business too . audience laughing i meant that i found mates for them, and im certain that i can find the ideal mate that youre looking for. Oh, all right. Now, the ideal mate that i had in mind is the kind of a well, before you do that, did you notice mr. Campbell outside, the gentleman sitting on your right . Well, i couldnt help noticing him because every time i did he was noticing me. Well, im sure he would. Now, mr. Campbell is very anxious to get married, and these are the personal files on several prospects that i think would fit his requirements, but now before i show them to him, i wonder if you would be interested. I certainly would. Oh, mrs. Burns, these files contain very personal information about some of my lady clients. Yeah, so i see. Oh, i wish blanche were here to enjoy them with me. Mrs. Burns, please, now, i didnt mean for you to read this confidential information. Im trying to interest you in mr. Campbell. Well, ill read his later. Now, listen what this mrs. Mamie wallace said. I am in the sunset of life and would like a husband about the same age. I feel that a late marriage can be a happy one. A late marriage, well now isnt that silly. If they get married after Eleven Oclock at night, where can they go . All the movies are closed. audience laughing mrs. Burns, may i . Yes, im finished with that one. This is the one i want you to see. Mr. Campbell. Mr. Campbell is a fine gentleman oh, yes, it says here that it comes from his last two wives. Yes, well thats not important. Im sure now that mr. Campbell is the kind of husband that youre looking for. Husband . Now im not looking for a husband for ronnie. He wants a wife. I dont understand, ronnie . Dont you remember . Im mrs. Burns, i phoned you earlier. Oh, yes, about the young man. Yes, and heres the picture you asked me to bring over, and the address is right there. Goodbye. Oh, and as soon as you get a couple of good prospects send them right over because ive only got four months left to stay out. audience laughing well, they all say theyre young. This is ridiculous. audience laughing i wonder how that story is developing. You must admit that was pretty fast thinking putting in von zells picture instead of ronnie. And take a little peak. Von zell is going to get into trouble, and id like to enjoy it. Thats all i can tell you, mrs. Crowley. This is the man that mrs. Burns said is looking for a wife. Good heavens, im anxious, but im not desperate. audience and george laughing dont turn him down too fast. I have a feeling that this man has money. Thats possible. He must have something. Well, i think ill go over and talk to him. You know, theres one thing. If he does have money, it may not be too bad. He certainly cant last much longer. Dont let that influence you, von zell doesnt look that bad. Ive got to phone him and get him over here to meet mrs. Crowley, and keep the story rolling. Hello. [george] wont you come in . Im mrs. Crowley. Mr. Tucker sent me over. Oh, yes, mr. Von zell and i have been expecting you havent we harry . We . Well, we need a bigger apartment. You dont even look as young as your picture. It must have been taken some time ago. When did you take that picture, harry . I took it but you seem to be well off, and you look like a gentlemen, so i accept your proposal. I think this should be sealed with a kiss. All right. audience laughing out out im sorry, theres been a mistake. Thats the fellow youre supposed to marry. Oh, no, it was your picture i saw at the agency. My picture . Now i know theres been a mistake. Well, i never heard of such a thing in all my life. Im going to talk to that mr. Tucker. Im sorry it turned out to be such a mess. So am i, but i was willing to marry you anyway. Somebody switched the picture. Great, somebody is helping me write the story, and i dont know who it is. I dont see anybody in the living room, harry. Are you sure youre right . Right, well, of course im right, gracie. This woman walked in, threw her arms around george, and kissed him, and said, i accept your proposal. dialing the phone [harry] gracie, what are you doing . Oh, two can play at the same game, but when three are playing, its better to make it four. phone ringing tucker matrimonial agency, mr. Tucker speaking. Oh, hello, mr. Tucker, this is mrs. Burns. Ive changed my mind. I am in the market for a husband. [gracie] oh, hello. Hello, im mr. Campbell. [gracie] oh, i remember you, come on in. Thank you. Mr. Tucker sent me over. I came to ask for your hand. Oh, well, you can have it and everything its connected to. audience laughing george, this is mr. Campbell, my future husband. Hello, mr. Campbell. Im mr. Burns her present husband. Youre married to her. [george] thats right. And you want to marry me . Thats right. Im a little confused. Oh, well, none of us is perfect. Ill marry you anyhow. What a wedding lou and edie had. [gracie] well, if you think that was a wedding, wait til you come to ours. Ronnie, i want you to meet your new father. What . Dad, would you mind telling me whats happening . doorbell ringing id love to tell you, but i still havent got it finished. What . doorbell ringing mother, im confused. Will get along fine, hes mixed up too. audience laughing there he is mr. Tucker. Tell him. This lady came here in good faith to be your wife. Sir, you have done her a grave injustice. Wont you step into our living room . I think my finish just walked in. Well, now that were all together, id like to clear this up. This is my wife, mrs. Burns. Im mr. Burns. Weve been married for years, and were going to stay married. Do you really mean that, george . Of course. Oh, well then im going to tear up my letter. Oh, poor mother, shell be heartbroken. I know. And this is my son ronnie. Hes single, and hes going to stay single. Thank you, dad. This is too much for me. Im going home to my ranch. You have a ranch . In oklahoma. A wealthy, oklahoma rancher . Id love it. Charming woman. I think so. Go to work. Mrs. Crowley. My pleasure. Well, as we say in the tucker agency, its never too late for love and companionship. But dont forget now, my fee is 15 percent of the first years income. audience laughing you know hes doing better than mca . Well, right on the nose. I not only got a finish, but weve got a happy ending. Except for my writers, them im going to fire. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, gracie, what do we talk about . Well, we could talk about my great uncle wyatt allen. He was a western town marshal, he sounds like a very colorful character. Oh, he was. Wyatt allen . Yes, what a fine figure of a man. You know, you should have seen him striding down the street with his marshals badge on his chest, and his big, broad shoulders, and his narrow waist, and no hips. No hips, huh . No, he shot them off trying to get his guns out of the holsters. Well, that ought to do it. Were the bad men frightened of wyatt allen . Oh, you bet they were, and when he started shooting, the bad men were no safer than anybody else. Your uncle sounds like a great shot. He was a perfect shot. Everybody who shot at him, hit him. You mean nobody ever missed . Nope. He was that good . Perfect. Thats because he was fast on the draw. Oh, the fastest in all the west. You know, he had very strong hands, and now for instance his hands were really strong. Yes, strong, and for instance, powerful hands you mean. Yes. A lot of strength in them. Yes. Yes. Well, i said that. Well, i wasnt sure. And uncle wyatt forgot that he wasnt wearing his guns. Well, what did he do . Well, he slapped his hands down where he thought his guns were, and he pulled so hard and so fast, that his pants came off. What did the bad man do . What could he do . Hed never had a pair of pants pointed at him before so he just gave up. audience laughing id have done the same and maybe we should. Well, not until i tell you about his horse. Oh . Oh, wyatt loved it. It was a beautiful all white stallion. He called it old paint. Old paint . Isnt that sort of a silly name for a white horse . Well, why . Thats the color he painted it. Oh, he painted it white. In fact, for a while it was known as wet paint. Wet paint, and thats the horse your uncle loved. Well, no wonder you were proud of your uncle wyatt allen. Oh, yes, george, he was a great man. He finally brought law and order to the whole district. He did, huh . Uh huh. affirmative say good night. Good night. Good night. applause appearing on tonights show im going to try and get joyce again. You know ive been trying to date her for the last two days, and her line always seems to be busy. There it goes again. I guess ill try the operator. Well why not, you know she might be just as pretty as joyce. Ill try later. [gracie] let me tell your father were leaving. You know joyce hasnt had much time for me since ralph got that new convertible. Boy, what a car. Its one of those new racing jobs, it practically takes off. Well i didnt know ralph had a new car. Yeah, his father gave it to him for passing a semester. Oh, well if its as fast as you say im sure it can pass anything. You know, i cant tell one foreign car from another. Are these semesters very fast too . No, mother, you see ralphs father gave him this car as a present for getting good grades last term. Oh, ronnie, i happen to know your father bought you a present too. Really . Uhhum, but i dont think it was a car. I saw the package it was just about this big. George, george well be back later. Ronnie and i are going shopping. Wait a minute, i got a present for ronnie. Well i guess i shouldnt expect too much. Well, of course not, i never expect too much, and than when i get it im only disappointed once. I understand. But whatever your present is make a big fuss over it. All right mother. You know your father feels bad enough because hes so cheap. mumbling for getting those good marks this term. Oh thanks dad, thats swell of you. Well its just a token, it isnt much. Not much, why its beautiful. Its simply gorgeous, its just what he wanted. He hasnt opened the box yet. Well thats true, but i think i can do better its nice, its very, very, very nice. He could have done much better if he didnt know what it was too. [george] its just a tie. I know, but its nice, its very, very, very nice. Well ronnie i know you got good marks, but they couldnt have been in english composition. Oh, and what lovely colors. What wonderful material, its gorgeous, and four stripes. Ronnie, isnt it very nice . Thats exactly what i was going to say. I thought so. [gracie] well come on ronnie, we got to go shopping dear. [ronnie] goodbye dad. [gracie] goodbye. Goodbye. [george] ronnie, you going to leave your tie here . Well why not, who would want to steal that . audience laughs believe me, i was thinking of getting ronnie Something Better than a tie. I was thinking of a car or a speedboat, but i knew if i got him a car hed want a speedboat. If i got him a speedboat hed want a car, so i got him a tie. I think its ridiculous every time your son passes an exam youve got to give him a present. My father never gave me anything. Come to think of it he never had a chance, did he . audience laughs at least when it comes to expecting presents i can handle ronnie better than i can gracie. Right after we were married i got a little mixed up and i gave gracie an anniversary present a month ahead of time. Now every year i got to give her a right anniversary present and a wrong anniversary present. audience laughs then there was the time where i came an hour late for dinner, and i had to buy her a little something, you know, a little peace offering, and the next night i was right on time. She set dinner an hour earlier. I had to go out and get her something else. This kept on until i wound up having pot roast and horseradish with my oatmeal in the morning. There must be at least 50 days im thankful for fathers day. Thats the one day that everybody no, on that day ive got to give gracie a real big gift. She explained if it wasnt for her i wouldnt be a father. audience laughs i remember when i was a kid my father got sentimental and he bought my mother one of those add a pearl necklaces, you know where you give somebody a pearl on a string and you add to it every year. Well, we were very poor, but my father kept it up. At the end of 15 years my mother had that same pearl and about 200 yards of string. audience laughs in our neighborhood we kids got presents, but they were practical presents. Like the family upstairs, they bought louie, their oldest boy, a pair of sneakers for christmas so he could sneak down on our floor and steal our milk every morning. And my Christmas Present was a bar of soap so i could soap the stairs so louie would slide past our floor and steal the milk from the people below us. And then i would steal the milk from louie on his way up again. audience laughs if ronnie doesnt like that tie with the four stripes ill just have to add another stripe. I take after my father. Oh good afternoon madam, hi, im leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a Second Chance at life. Daddy is invincible. Thats how we want to think about our parents. Knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. 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Well youre amazing, now how did you know that . I took one eight years ago. The leaves know everything. Oh, which one is me . That one right there. Are you sure, i look awfully wet, and i never did fall overboard. What . Oh, now i remember. On the boat i took a shower. audience laughs the tea leaves never lie. No, the tea leaves have a better memory than i have. I can see your husband. Is it that little pointed one right there . Thats right. Id know george anyplace.