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Has cool earrings and i'm sitting there with a bunch of guys and i get beat up. so it was something you had to suppress and i got very good at bottling it up. >> that's got to be incredibly difficult and painful. >> yes. you grow up with it for so long, and you just get so used to living through that despair. it's an anguish you keep holding inside you. i know it's a similar story we all have, that you hold on to it and when you're looking at the girls and you whistle and you're trying to do that, ride around on motorcycles. but a year into it, after being in that disguise, you're like, it jus...

That's the hard thing to explain. i had to suppress it so far. i did it here at the house. when i was off, out, i had weekends, so on the weekends i was decompress. but there would be six months when we were on deployment and i would stay away from it. >> it's got to be so sad to think that for 20 years you have this incredible bond with these people you're fighting with, and you want it to be the closest bond imaginable. and yet you can't really let yourself be yourself. >> it's definitely tough. it's strength and honor. when we shake hands, we say strength and honor, that's still what i gave...

Has cool earrings and i'm sitting there with a bunch of guys and i get beat up. so it was something you had to suppress and i got very good at bottling it up. >> that's got to be incredibly difficult and painful. >> yes. you grow up with it for so long, and you just get so used to living through that despair. it's an anguish you keep holding inside you. i know it's a similar story we all have, that you hold on to it and when you're looking at the girls and you whistle and you're trying to do that, ride around on motorcycles. but a year into it, after being in that disguise, you're like, it jus...

Brothers in arms who you really were. >> no, not at all. it was so deep that i -- i was cured for 20 years maybe. i don't know. that's the hard thing to explain. i had to suppress it so far. i did it here at the house. when i was off, out, i had weekends, so on the weekends i was decompress. but there would be six months when we were on deployment and i would stay away from it. >> it's got to be so sad to think that for 20 years you have this incredible bond with these people you're fighting with, and you want it to be the closest bond imaginable. and yet you can't really let yourself be yours...

I had to suppress it so far. i did it here at the house. when i was off, out on weekends, on the weekends i would decompress, i was away from the stuff but there would be six months on deployment or whatever, i wouldn't do anything. stay away from it. >> even when you stayed away from it, when you weren't buying the clothes or wearing the clothes at home, were you thinking about it in the back of your mind? >> it would come up sometimes. just like the regular guys, there are magazines you pick up and start flipping through the magazines. >> so as a s.e.a.l., when you were with other people, yo...