, which i endlessly fell in love with, the opening of the magazine youth, the appearance of. Anatoly gladilin, vasily aksenov, and i voraciously read new prose, young prose was said then, but young prose is new in my opinion, and there it is or otherwise i heard a call to leave moscow, because moscow is not russia, it is the capital, but to go to where the real one breathes, that is, all russian literature between the two. We continue and i remind you that our guest today is an actor theater and cinema and writer, Veniamin Borisovich smekhov. Veniamin, maybe you still think that somehow i will now finish what i started, of my own free will i went to the volga, to kuibysh, to samara, for a year, in a year i went through a gigantic school of experience, nine performances in which i participated, three main roles, simultaneously television, radio, skit, Something Else, in a year there was , damn, what a new thing in my destiny, and i was there, without him it would not have happened, nothing, happy, artist, great actor , and i saw how this man works, he is a frontline soldier, he came from the war, a young, wonderful, miracle actor, in general, he was my first real teacher after etoush, and then i returned to moscow because of nostalgia for my hometown, i was eaten up by nostalgia, about this i wrote a story on the way to moscow. The story was given by my teacher, whom you probably knew, Yuri Borisovich borev, of course, he gave his youth to a magazine, they wanted to publish my youth story, a story about a young man who went to the volga and from there returns to moscow, thats all, and there, of course, sukhin is one of the main heroes, this story was not published, thank god, but the romance with the magazine youth continued a little later, at the same time i entered the drama and comedy theater, because i had to earn a living and somehow live, then, which later became the theater nataganka, a year later Yuri Lyubimov came to this theater, with him the eight main characters of a kind man from shizuan, brilliant, with a diploma. In all the theatrical anthologies of the world, of course, of course, well, well, i didnt know my fate, but i had already worked in drama and comedy and was going from there, too, to go, already go into literature, all the time there is some kind of fork in the road, you go to literature, all the time to literature, this is the norm for. For a normal person to doubt such distances. Pasternaks rejection of music, rejection of philosophy , yes, without drawing parallels, but something i keep saying all the time, this is not the first time, he never parted with the word, never parted, but his music was manilla, scriabin, remember, thats all, of course, you and i remember this, scriabin, where can i hide from the steps of my deity, here, here, here, its amazing, so, around you, yes, lyubimov appeared, around you, vysotsky, fillatov, zolotukhin, there are a lot of laughs, at first there was no one, at first there was a kind man from sizuan, and lyubimov. Reorganized the theater from the previous theater, there were not many actors left in whom he believed, including uh three uh young ones, also yura smirnov, vsevolod sobolev, here i am, well, and some other group of actors, we connected with his, with his heroes, a kind person, and gave birth to this performance, a kind person and sizuana, already on the stage of the theater opposite the taganskaya metro station, the theater was called very stupidly drama and comedy, we called it trauma and comedy, of course, everything was wonderful, theater was born and life was born at 24, now its 7 24. Yes, around the clock, it means that this is how life began, this is how life began , this is how life began, it was necessary after this gigantic success, it was impossible to play a play every day, but they played, say, after 2 days on the third, there were only two performances from the previous repertoire, especially a new performance, this was the debut of pyotr naumovich fomenko. Microdistrict, microdistrict, and fomenko himself, an extraordinary man attractiveness, a brilliant man of theatrical art, became my god in the theater, this is the most beloved creature in culture, if we needed to go somewhere with my beloved wife and your friend, galina aksenova, we had to go somewhere. I called the fireman and said, bless, he says, bless, lets expand the vessels and narrow them at once, long live the muses, let the mind disappear, wonderful, wonderful, well, our interlocutors remember, of course, pushkins original, there are no vessels there, and the mind there, on the contrary, is not hides, appears, but thats how it is, my soul remained, my brains, i dont know, mine still kept the name closest to my heart, this is vladimir mayakovsky, and i am very glad that i came to visit you, dmitry petrovich, because the life of my, lets say, last performance in memory of mayakovsky, began before your eyes, yes, quite correctly, in rome. Well, some amazing family of a grandiose artist who is in love with an italian, who is in love with maykovsky and came up with the book bug, illustrations for all scenes of maykovsky, mayakovskys cap, and his wife larisa, ballerina from astrakhan theater, who wanted to arrange a grand presentation of her husbands book, but to make sure. The russian word was heard, that s it, they found my glasha, galina gennadievna, she said, well, of course, we can come, and venya will read maykovsky, you can wake him up, hes always can read maikovsky, but, but hed better come up with a play, and i came up with a play for three, here you go, masha matveeva, dima vysotsky and me, in rome, after the presentation of a wonderful book. Klop, we are playing for the first time the play flute spine, aksyonova actually the director of the play, she is absolutely merciless in theaters, she is the theater director, with, well, how can i say it, at the start, this is zero directing, and the theaters are already in full swing, definitely a director, will be your opinion today, this is a formula that i attach very great importance to, well, this is known, well, here the performance is going on, sitting in the hall are russian emigrants, soviets, well then, yes, already russians, yes, russian journalists, guests, a lot of russianhearing people, russian speakers, in love. They are going to mayakovskys italian captions in italian and so on, you were, you were one of the dear guests, thank you, it was very dear to me, evening, so i include my first words from this performance for all of you who liked or like, we keep them as icons near the soul in the cave, like a cup of wine in a table toast , i raise my skull filled with poetry, i increasingly think whether it would be better to put a bullet point at my end, today, just in case, im giving a farewell concert, this is the beginning of the performance, and my favorite verses from mayakovskys favorite poem are also heard there, man, in the sky of my bethlehem, no signs were burning, no one was stopping the curlyheaded wise men from sleeping with their graves, the day of my descent to you was absolutely like everyone else, sickeningly the same. And no one guessed to hint to the narrowminded, indelicate star, the star is supposed to be too lazy to shine in vain, if its not the day of human birth, then the devils star is still celebrated, and so on, and maikovsky for life, maikovsky is my admission to the theater institute, i read in 140 dreams the sunset was burning at the mkhat Studios School to my eldest fatherinlaw, veniamin zaharski. Rudomyslensky rector of the studio school, immortal, adored, papa vena, as everyone called him, yes, yes, from tabakov to batalov, entered the studio school, entered boris evgenievich zahavi, the rector, vakhtangovs favorite, graduated and preferred the vakhtangov theater performance, we continue and i , to you that our guest today is theater and film actor and writer borisovich smekhov. It seems to me that you have finally come to literature, new and new books, not only memories, but also books of different genres, yes, thats what it is for you, and what seems most important to you, memories, or your original works, now i will combine two names, fomenko and lyubimov, fomenko and lyubimov, theater, that is, a workshop. Stramenko and taganka by Yuri Petrovich lyubimov differ from all other theaters in many ways, but most of all, of course, in their devotion to the word, for the beloved prose on the stage, that was a very important genre and poetry on the stage, very important, the theater of the word, the theater of verse, and in this. The whole point is probably my favorite theater, glasha aksyonova will argue, because it is impossible to call taganka only a theater of words, the taganka theater beloved is the theater of the multitude, this is the theater of the great crossroads, lyubimov, as if he pointed out to those who did not know this, that the theater is a crossroads, a crossroads of. Arts, this word, this sound, this music, this painting, this gesture, this is graphics, yeah, and lyubimov turned out to be a genius, as a collector , yes, yes, a combinator, he collected everything, so it was funny when the brilliant composers of our time, schnittky, denisov, gubaidulina, shestakovich, dmitry dmitrievich. Became regular guests and friends of the theater, world values, its difficult to even give such an example, yes, where at such a level mayakovs nonsense would coexist with each other on the one hand, on the other hand gubaidulina, schnittki, edison denisov, shastsakovich, yes, well, these are the words after all, the word this is music, thats what pasternak called voznesensky, and then repeated it. Poetry is first of all a sound, yeah, its a sound in the heart or soul of this combination, yeah, music, gesture, painting and so on, akhmadulina still probably says the opposite, i really love her lines, where its like if we were talking about the opposite situation, maybe im wrong, the music comes first, but the music is free to speak, after all, or there is no contradiction here, probably not, on taganka. So in pyotr fomenkos theater, his school, his students, these are people devoted to sound, to words, it began with mayakovsky. Maikovsky is a friendship sent to me from heaven with his friends, with his muses, with lily yuryevna brik, with vasily katanyan. Maikovsky is admission, as i said, to institutes, and listen to the play that lyubimov staged, and the uncultured authorities of his culture prohibited, but it didnt work, too good people stood up for us, we didnt please, it seems like hes like, how can i put it , officially recognized, although vulnerable, honest, direct, now ill tell you your choice, just a phrase that sounded in our performance, we turned history around , say goodbye to the old stuff forever, a communist and a man who cannot be bloodthirsty, this is mayakovskys response to what was done to the family of nicholas ii. And this is a performance that was unbearable for the bolshevik cultural leaders. Every year my loved one received an offer to remove it from the repertoire. It is clear that the performance lived a long, happy life. And i am doubly happy, i wrote this script and was a coauthor of my beloved, also literature, also literature. After all, this is not only a game, but this word, no, this word, this is literature, and next to me stood my friends, there were five mayakovskys, sherbakov, khmelnitsky, zolotukhin, vysotsky and me, well, next to me were my friends of early taganka, vysotsky zolotukhin, zolotukhin is a wonderful prose writer, yes, of course, and vysotsky is a brilliant russian poet, thats all. Well, so it was all close, close, words they didnt drop words, they didnt mutter words, there was a responsibility to the word, then we all choked , then in new book releases, here is yuri trifonov, a great, great prose writer, next to him for me stands vladimir tendrikov, these were all the people whom tvordovsky in the new world, well, i took care of you. Im so sorry that they are practically not in the reading circle, now, it sounds very scary, i adore yuri valentinovich, of course, idendrikov too, but i communicate with students, so strangely enough, for some reason, well, a house on the embankment can be, but there are wonderful others things, yes, there is a time and a place, there is impatience, there are old people, this is the job of educators, dima, well, im trying, but most likely not yet, parents, i had a friend whom. I included in all my memoirs, andrei egorov, the favorite of the great mathematician Andrei Nikolaevich kolmogorov, a great genius, yes, we read books during the race, this is a competition, i think, the norm for teenagers in our time, too, i was lucky, i saw a lot of young people who prefer paper books, so to say, literature is just a mass of oil. On my soul on our podcast, its simple on the topic, let me tell you about today, its about time , Zhenya Mironov invited me to the play kookolo, this is a play by anna kozlova, a very successful author of tv series and yes, and dramaturgy, a wonderful play called the last summer, about the finnish word, the name of the village of this. Near leningrad near st. Petersburg, is called repina, and this is very close to me, because mayakovsky very often boasted of a sevenday week, he came to kuokkola without a penny of money, he was fed one day, one day by chyukovsky, the second repin, and this is now called the last summer, six premiere performances have passed, to my joy, all my doubts have been dispelled, i doubted, like i. I doubt, and this is normal, before each new performance, but lucky, i play a 12yearold boy, a hero who, after as many years as i have, i remember my childhood, i am convinced that each of our viewers has moments when they turn on the film archive of memory, undoubtedly, and from there emerge some specific days, summers, there are autumns, springs, winters, this is what it is play, i play with wonderful actors, my mom and dad are. And misha troynik. Misha is my student, so thats great. And vanya dobronravov plays a wonderful role there, as well as lena nikolaeva, my second mother, and so on. The performance and poems of our beloved dezzik samoilov begin. I remember dad was still young. And a dashing curled cab driver, a carriage horse, a whip and springs. I remember my mother was still young, smiling at our neighbors, and somewhere we were going, where, and somewhere, for some reason we were going, the forged man clucked loudly a horse, and a cobblestone in some passage, the fire of the domes goes out, candles are lit, constellations, father is young, and mother is young. The horse is hot and the carriage is winged, and we are going, we dont know where, we are all going and going somewhere, inside i am reading yesenins favorite poem, it is the penultimate one, from the year twentyfifth, the wind is whistling, the silver wind, in the silken rustle of the snowy noise, in for the first time i noticed in myself, ive never before. Thought even though theres rotten dampness outside the window, i dont regret it, and im not sad, i still love this life, i fell in love so much, as if at the beginning, the woman will look with a quiet smile, im already excited , what shoulders, the troika will rush by on an unsteady road, im already in it, looking far away, happiness, oh my happiness and all good luck, happiness, human beings are loved by the earth, anyone who cries at least once on earth means luck has rushed past, you need to live easier, you need to live more simply, accepting everything that is in the world, thats why stunned over the grove, the wind whistles, the silver wind, this is yesenin, i thank you with all my heart thank you very much for todays conversation, see you next time meetings, we will see you here, but to our interlocutors , as always, i joyfully say the same phrase, today we listened to poetry, but it doesnt hurt to read them more often, as well as prose, drama and much more, read with pleasure, dear friends. Hello, you are watching the podcast triggers with you, its leading psychologist tatyana krasnovskaya , psychotherapist sergey nasebyan. Oksana is our guest today, and we will find out what she came to us with. Hello. Hello oksana. Hello. I came with the fact that it seems to me that after going through marriage, i lost myself, being a rescuer, being a helper, eternal, from beginning to end. And now i. Am at the stage of making a decision to leave the relationship, i was simply ignored , uncertain, the disappearance of a person, and i am very vague about this, scared, anxious, it is unclear whether i will do the right thing, the wrong thing, because all this is twisted into in some kind of whirlwind, where there are mixed. Feelings that are impossible to deal with, where am i going, am i in all of this . Oksana, tell me a little story, how long have you been in a relationship, the relationship is almost 8 years old, yeah they developed as follows i was 24 years old, i felt at the top , i fulfilled the plan that my mother expected of me, i got it, i moved to moscow, i got an education, i built a career, i achieved a position. Head of a department in a Mechanical Engineering holding, again a person subordinate , active life, exhibitions, events, while i feel that the main area in which i am simply zero is relationships, i run away from them, it is difficult for me to stay in them, because it begins some selectivity, i feel sympathy, i i start to analyze, but i cant stand my own emotions, i pour them out in the form of poetry, then little by little i start walking, i understand whats wrong, i feel great anxiety, i run away, then i decided that i need to move towards the family, i i want a family, i dreamed of realizing that i would have. I would have a strong family, i would have two children, an eldest son, a youngest daughter, i will realize myself in this, definitely, and throughout the year i enter into different relationships, i observe, i understand , that he is, well, here its not right for me, here its not right for me either so, then a vacation happens, i go to greece, there for the first time in my life, i probably find great pleasure in solitude, in fact, being in delphi, in the parnassus mountains, it was a spontaneous trip, its just that. It exploded in head and i went there alone, rented a room there, near the mountain i understand that yes, this is a desire , its true, i want to be with someone, i see it, i want it to be two whole people, and it was a common space in which there would be happiness, there would be love, there would be attention, there would be care, there will be some kind of team story , where we can Grow Together in this, as if you are already ready for this, im ready, yes. That im ready and ready to go exactly consciously, that is, to build, yeah, im coming back, getting acquainted on a dating site, with a young man, we start corresponding, and this is the first person who does not start asking for a date after 34 days there, but he drags on, we correspond for a month, and he does not disappear, he writes, hello, how are you, every day, consistently, then i start insisting on a meeting when its already 2 almost a month has passed, that is, once he broke me up there, indeed, when i invited him. He said that he couldnt, well, okay, got over it, then i insisted, i said , after all, come on, see you, its time, phone calls have already begun, not just correspondence, we met, i told him invited me to a restaurant, but can i ask, bye, when the initiative did not come from him, all these 2 months, as you explained it to yourself, by unpreparedness, waiting, checking, understanding how suitable we are for each other in this communication, how accepted him, because he is more of an introverted person, so can i ask tatyana now, im just wondering why such an idea came up to ask, why it was necessary to explain this somehow, i have a hypothesis, can i voice it a little later, of course, okay , so, youre on a first date, yes, here he is in the restaurant, looking at her, saying, danya lantern rice for 300 rubles, when a bag of rice costs 60, at that moment i am a person who, as they say, has already been on different dates , who is used to paying for himself in restaurants because earns enough and can afford it, im sitting there like, well, well, well, probably yes, they went too far, well, im wondering, somehow this is strange, a date, were discussing rice, its still expensive, then what, well, she accompanies me to the subway, hugs me, like, unusual, ugh, next date , i invite him myself, pay us coupons for ceramics classes, he and i go, they tell us that you are a married couple, you have been together for a long time, yes , how many years have you been together, this is our second date, what do you mean . Yes, you look like youve been married for a long time, cute, sees you off on the subway again, kisses you for the first time , okay, on the third date, lets do it for yourself, it was such a fix idea, have you ever celebrated Catholic Christmas . No, and i dont, but lets turn on the nightmare before christmas, cook dinner and celebrate the dream, bye yes, here he comes, and at the same time he also says that the most important thing, i ask you, dont try for me, dont dont cook on purpose, ill come, you and i will choose the products together, well buy them together, well cook them together, dont try, oh my god, the man of your dreams . Together, finally together happens, wow, good, he arrives, we have a wonderful evening, naturally , the relationship takes a new turn there, and we understand that we are together, for all the new year holidays, he is with me, but then i say, well, come, like its so great when were together, theres such a forgotten feeling, i just started daydreaming a little while youre talking, like this. At the same time, there was the first bit that i recognize after some time, he gave me comics for the new year, and i hate comics, its not my thing, absolutely, i love fiction literature, i love science fiction, i kind of get lost in this more, but i didnt read this book, but i said, yes, great, thank you, but well, its a little not my thing, i gave him lego based on star wars, because that i knew that he loved star wars, because i knew that he loved, he is an engineer, well , this is like the best gift, he is a little childish, he is still a child, he has a collection of tanks, and yes, then we and came to these tanks, and you said, that is, you seemed to think about what was important, i i should have been happy about these comics, but i wasnt happy, because i dont like them, i honestly and openly admitted it, yeah , actually the relationship started, i have a boyfriend, well, im happy, everything is fine, but im many years away from that they said that i wouldnt get pregnant without special therapy, my provactin levels were off the charts, so i actually immediately said that there is a risk, a small risk, but if there is one, are you ready for something . Yes, i want a family, yes, im ready, i love children, just like everything would be great, it will be if it suddenly happens, yes, good, im basically ready for this too , im pregnant, i got pregnant, and he was happy, jumped to the ceiling when he found out about it, i felt a slight tension, because like now maybe, and i was planning to look for a new job, and then plans change, the first fear arises, how will i cope with this . Terrible toxicosis begins, in the morning he leaves cookies and water there so that i can somehow cope, im going through pregnancy, during pregnancy, things happen to us there are a lot of family events, my grandmother has a stroke, i need to go to another country, and im going there to sell her apartment in order to transfer her to moscow, to the apartment that my mother and i bought, and accordingly i. And so meant that i would live with my grandmother, but did not mean that i would go into a relationship and also get pregnant and plan something further, that is , this is the top of my mothers pyramid, her plan that was for me, my mother decided i, and i i give birth to a child, go on maternity leave, my financial situation worsens sharply because i earned twice as much, he was an engineer in it, my mothers financial participation begins, psychomatics begins on both sides, i have a daily angelotek, that is, i simply could not breathe, its every morning you wake up, everything is built up in you , on both sides, on the part of you and your mother or you and your husband, i was already confused in this triangle, my husband s hands hurt, my husbands hands constantly hurt, i understand that something is wrong, i suggest family therapy, i say, we something wrong is happening, because again im asking there improve our situation, decide, because im in a vulnerable state, and he says that hes on the lookout, but he cant do anything, i dont know how to do anything, i say how you cant, youre a master, youre this, youre everything, everything you know how, now we will do what can we do to help you, i dont know how to write a resume, okay, im starting to give , im writing a resume, im looking for him a job where he will earn more, promote him to the family, yes, im starting to promote him, we go to family therapy, and they say that he has no problems, uhhuh, hes done im happy with you, youre comfortable, you need to break off this relationship , i say, no, i wont give up that easily, i dont want to repeat the family scenario, i dont want to be a divorcee, no, no, no, no, no, no, like that, no, thats it, goodbye, no psychologists are needed, i can handle it myself, i take into account the literature, i study attachment theory there , its just that as a child, i also need to somehow, as they say , understand how it works, while im burning out, slowly, but thats right, i. Feel like my life is becoming a swamp, im alone with my child all day, my husband works, is moving forward in his career, he has correspondence there from otichara, hello with emoticons , thats also good, my mother is also moving there, accordingly, she also has more important things to do, everyone is okay, but i, i cant cope, i feel bad , i fall into some kind of depression, and before that, accordingly, before the depression there was a peak moment , even before the start of his promotion, when he just whined about the fact that he couldnt cope, he couldnt do anything, he couldnt do anything, and his family did not participate in any way, but at the same time he played a game with his mother, running away, that is, the mother is anxious, mom writes to him there, he does it on purpose, he sees it and he doesnt answer, i was good, i sent photos, i tried to write, keep in touch, because its just not possible. But they dont come to see their grandson, the distance is half an hour, they dont come to see their grandson, they dont participate in any way, at one point i was boiling, i also said, how would you do it, help your daughter, they put him out, naked, abandoned, my mother here, too, from the category , why should i help you financially, why in the middle of the night, when the child has a fever, do you call me, send me money, because we dont have money for a taxi to go to morozovskaya there, why not him, but he didnt need it. At the same time, i see his parallel life, he sits in the toilet for hours, he plays games on his phone, he comments on articles, and this is a completely different personality. I read these comments, this is a different person, this is a cool teenager , this is something that teaches everyone how to live, its good whats wrong with you now, lets go back to today, what s happening to you now, now im already a mother of two children, so from him, from him, with him you get divorced, yes, i gave birth to my second child, then i had a reconsciousness that i no longer wanted this, i began to work, get back on my feet, i returned to my place. At first i worked like a man possessed, because it was just such an unstoppable fountain of that , what was locked in me, i was in demand, someone needed me, there were several ways out of this relationship, the first time i drove him away, he went to live with a friend, played tanks, because at that time he had already been playing for a year into these tanks, i also sent money there, you brought him back later, yes, he burst into tears, said that he was homeless and he wasted everything in his life, uhhuh, you. There was another moment you said several moments there was a separation last year and when i realized that i i need to leave and sort myself out, i cant yet make a decision about the breakup, i left for tashkent, yeah, with two children, alone, i wanted to leave with my family, i asked him, i begged him, with my last money, because he quit somewhere , he didnt work, he sat with me. He played at home, i realized that he would not work for his uncle more, but as a husband for an hour, he began to earn some pennies periodically and every time for these pennies i still called and screamed, im in a state of limbo with two children, money came, you brought him back again next time, i came back, i went to the this relationship, yeah, whats happening now, i drove him away again, but im interested in Something Else , yes, i sat, it seems to me that ive never been silent for so long in my life and listening to you, i just watched myself, from the point of view of what is happening inside me, and i would just sit there and listen, i sit and think, what is this . I have such a state when you speak and the way you speak, and this is a state of not dividing anything, that is, i dont want to do anything next to you, not in the sense of you fighting off the desire, in the sense of like that, no, but you are like that its interesting how you arrange everything. That im sitting straight and thinking, if i were sitting straight listening, its the same as going to a movie or a good production in the theater, i think its interesting, it seems like you came, well, how to ask for some help, yes, but at the same time, you have absolutely completely deprived me of intention, and at least somehow you help, because you talk about your drama so beautifully that you dont want to spoil it, you paint it just like a zhulev tray, theres such a pattern there and such backs, and such backs, i sit and think, how lovely, all the clients were like that how are you, you just came like that, yes, but at the same time you keep your attention, you keep your attention phenomenally, that is, you directly hold this attention, i dont fall asleep, but at the same time there are intentions of this very one, or there are intentions, desire , somehow say, well , well, ask some question, i so i look at tanya, she asks a question, i think, what is the person interfering . Sit, listen, can you imagine the state you were led into, well there, i wont speak for tanya , they brought me in, im an experienced person, how do you think you did it, i dont know, the truth is that i toil in this circle, i understand that i can assign tasks to myself, cope with them myself and be such a hero, while i dont want to become a victim in all of this and i dont want to be a hero in all of this, why do we you, why do you need people at all, why do you people . Why are you husbands at all, i dont know, men, why do you need them at all , you are so selfsufficient, everything is so good inside you, if you explain everything exactly inside, i want to go outside, you want to go outside, then at least a little reality begins in this sense, because you know, just imagine, you are such a cat mayun, and the cat mayun, you understand, yes, this is a mythological, slavic character, and, his name is not bayun, but mayun, why, not bayun, but mayun, no, there is mayun, these are Different Things here, this is the one that creates this illusion of may this so to speak, the commonality of indoeuropean languages, including sanskrit with russian, and from the word may, which is an illusion, in general, in our russian language, in fact, we also have such a word, from this, the word may, the word may there, and so on, and so you see, you create such an illusion you create, you create, you create, you create, and at some point you yourself got confused like, what about here because, well, youve formed a certain image of this man . He made it clear to you many times that he is not the man you need, but every time you managed to to convince us that everything will happen now, we will do everything now, here i would ask the question, is it true . He is not the man that is needed, perhaps he is just the one that is needed, but not the one that is expected, maybe, yes, here there is a point about speaking with your mouth about expectations, that is, i initially say that i i love the holidays there, gifts are important to me, i want a snowflake there in honor of my sons birthday in winter, but please, i like sudden flowers there, i really love flowers, but you dont even give me the opportunity to insert a word and there can be no action there, you do everything yourself, what . Yes, you kind of say, but at the same time, if you live the same way as you communicate with us now, and i m sure that in general this is the case, then you dont want to spoil anything, yes, youre all like that they did it well, that i dont want to spoil anything, this is the triggers podcast, and with you is its leading psychologist, tatyana krasnovskaya, psychotherapist sergei nasebyan, and we are listening to oksanas story. You said a very important thing at the beginning of our conversation, when you voiced your request, how that you lost yourself in a relationship, yes, so you very clearly cut off two situations in your life, where you were before these delphic oracles and after, when you entered into a relationship, i did not sleep so that you understand, i listened to you, metaphor this very illusory quality began to arise in me precisely when you said that it would be in delphi, because there are delphi, delphi in general, as if connected with a certain mysticism, and mysticism is connected with deception, yes, in in general, and you really deceived yourself there in this sense, so you came in, that means to this circle of selfdeception, ill call it that, i dont want to offend your feelings, yes , and accordingly, you ve been giving birth to children for these 8 years, doing something there, trying to somehow improve the lives of other people, promote everyone, where it is there, everyone is moving. That i have no doubt that you can ride on your energy for a long time, so you said i lost myself, i have a question for you, until the age of 24, you were with yourself, mostly with yourself, a smaller part probably with your mother, who, well, his mothers child, but i am very i resisted a lot, i was uncomfortable, i wish i had something to do with myself, but she, as it were, well, how can i say, consciously performed these steps like my mothers. That you should obey, because in any case , where i started the confrontation, i was bad, naturally, i am bad, regarding the fact that i even reacted very sharply to me, it is necessary to learn by heart, since its written in the textbook, i say, i dont like to cram, i like to read, understand and retell in my own words, yeah, i cant be a repeater. Uhhuh, uhhuh, okay, that is, you were mostly yourself, this is more yourself, what part of yourself did you lose in this relationship, or what joyful, spontaneous, and emotional self, because i m like frozen, heres a person with a concrete slab on top of me, i cant move in in all this, i cant feel anything, i cant be, i ca nt manifest myself, or i, for example, during our first separation in a relationship, i started dancing in the kitchen, when i cook, listening to music and dancing, what i i havent done it for many years, i havent done it since i was born there. Child, i didnt listen to music, and didnt dance, so i started dancing , we got back into a relationship, i invite a person, well , why not, as they say, dance together, but somehow, as you know how, it doesnt matter, but show up. Yeah, but the man prefers to just stand on the sidelines and watch, its so funny, you seem to be surprised every time you meet your husband, you seem to wonder every time why this man has no initiative, whats happening to him, why he doesnt show any intention, how they say sergey, why is there no impulse, but you chose such a man, so i asked you at