Now on bbc news, its extra time with rob bonnet. Hello and welcome to this edition of extra time to what does a international cricketer, a leading run scorer of his time and appellate chat player who relished the mckees mood challenge do when his confidence is shot and told to retire. In the case of robin smith he enters a downward spiral of depression fuelled by drink and involving divorce and determination to kill himself. Thankfully he is still here and he is about to tell us still here and he is about to tell us his story. Robin smith, welcome. Test batting average for england of 43. 67 from 64 matches between your debut in 1988 and your last test match in 1996. Proud record. A very proud record and a record that i had no idea as a youngster that i would be playing test match cricket, having been brought up in the apartheid system in south africa. Very, very lucky that my parents were both born in england. And an encouraging sporting environment . Very much so. Before we go any further it is lovely to see you again and i dont often do interviews anymore and you suggested early on about enjoying playing false bowling, i can assure you that iam more false bowling, i can assure you that i am more nervous 110w false bowling, i can assure you that i am more nervous now chatting with you than facing Curtly Ambrose or courtney walsh, even without a box on. Please forgive me if i sound a little nervous. You dont need protection today, robin. Lets talk about your enjoyment at facing fast bowlers, especially the west indian quicks, thats have a quote from your autobiography. I loved it. Iam an adrenaline junkie and nothing has ever given me a hit or does that. What was it about fast bowling you enjoyed so much . The confidence of knowing i felt comfortable about fast bowling. In south africa we played on very fast wickets early on. It came naturally in a way. It did. Very much. Unlike in india where there great bowlers are spin bowlers because they play on a slow wicket. In south africa we had a net in the back of our garden and a bowling machine and you continually. Would you crank it 7 continually. Would you crank it he continually. Would you crank it up . The old man did. He thought i was weak if i could not face a bowling machine at 85 miles an hour when i was 15 years old. So that is something that i worked on from a very early age. No fear in front of it . The only fear i have now is looking back on my career and seeing the guys wearing grills being hit in the guys wearing grills being hit in the helmet on the grill and thinking my goodness, gracious me. I really should have worn a grill. At no stage did i everfeel uncomfortable 01 stage did i everfeel uncomfortable or ever feel that i would be hit in the face. Not uncomfortable physically a little uncomfortable mentally. Im going to quote again from your book. I may have looked and performed as though i was bullet proof but i was hiding a heart and bullet proof but i was hiding a heartand mind bullet proof but i was hiding a heart and mind of blast. What did you mean by that . It is very difficult when you are growing up as a youngster, as robin smith, a shy and reserved, modest and caring gentle softly spoken and then all of a sudden you are thrown into a career at hampshire where you feel as if you had to be a Little Something that you are not. I mentioned in the book about fractured identity, about being robin smith of the field and the judge on the field. Your nickname because your hair was longer. Yes. It looked like a judge week. So you are always battling through your life between the real robin smith and the judge that life between the real robin smith and thejudge that people seemed to love and enjoy watching. You mention this again in your book. And eagerness to please. What was that about . Trying to please your father . We were brought up in a disciplined and different era as the youngsters are wrought up here in england and south africa. It was a tough environment to be brought up in and dad was a huge disciplinarian. And a lwa ys dad was a huge disciplinarian. And always wanting to please. So when he dragged me out of bed at five in the morning to go and train there were no questions asked. What was that . Was that tough love . Just very tough love. Hejust was that tough love . Just very tough love. He just wanted, was that tough love . Just very tough love. Hejust wanted, he was never a great sportsman, his sister was south africas leading golf champion for 25 years and i think he wanted me to become a very good sportsperson and encourage me, whether it be during rugby seasonal athletic season or cricket season. Hejust athletic season or cricket season. He just wanted me to make the very best of what ability i might have. And that ability was about facing fast bowling especially but spin bowling, perceived at least that you had a problem. Shane warne, now a friend of yours, rhoda forward to your book, one of the greatest spin bowlers that has ever lived. Was at fair criticism . That you could not play spin bowling . fair criticism . That you could not play spin bowling . I think it was. If you were brought up in south africa and thinking back now there was only probably about two or three half decent spinners in south africa. Maybe someone like dennis hobson. But the conditions we played under were never conducive to spin bowling. We were brought up on fast ha rd bowling. We were brought up on fast hard wickets. And you take a comparison to the england players. The england players are brought up on dust bowls. Indian players. And they are not encouraged to bowl fast because you cannot bowl fast in india. And all these indian players learn how to play spin bowling beautifully and then they come to australia or england and they struggle with the see movement and swing and it is the same. Wherever you are brought up in the world, you become accustomed to those conditions and that is where you become better players, in those conditions. Towards the end of your career the perception from the press was that you could not play spin bowling. A sense, that it undermined your. You wrote that you dreaded batting like never before. To be honest, the more people spoke about it and the more i started to believe in my inadequacies against. M it and the more i started to believe in my inadequacies against. It was distracting. That is when i lost confidence and i did not become a good player in the end. Lets drill down into that because in 2003 your contract with hampshire was terminated. Cricket was your life and it was over. So many sportsmen i have spoken to about that time seders that kind of death. There is an emptiness and what followed after that was a downward spiral as i described in my introduction into drinking and depression. So as that was happening did you feel that you we re was happening did you feel that you were on some kind of slippery slope . Cricket absorbed my life from the age of my father dragging me out of bed at five in the morning every morning to practise, all the way through. It absorbed my life. I cradled the game, i love the game, i embraced it. And it wasjust everything to me in my life. And when the time came that i was encouraged to retire, then at the time it wasnt my choice. I wrote in the book it was not my choice. I was disappointed at the time. I felt that i had another year left in me. Maybe for the wrong reasons now that i look back and it was the wrong reason because shane worn was back in the club. At the time, your marriage was disintegrating. Not at that particular time. Over a period of years. You certainly hit the bottle, the vodka bottle. There had been instances where you were unfaithful to your wife as well. This was a low ebb in your life, wasnt it . It was. Iwould this was a low ebb in your life, wasnt it . It was. I would suggest that this was after i had finished playing professional sport. The club employed me in an ambassadorial role where i would host in the sweet and i would have a vodka lime and soda and then it would become a double. And then a triple. I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic reliably, starting to rely on alcohol rather than enjoying it. Reliably, starting to rely on alcohol rather than enjoying itm was a refuge from reality . Watching the players, wanting to be out there and desperately wanting to be there. But the worst part was i felt we needed a change. Ifelt but the worst part was i felt we needed a change. I felt that i was getting into a right and i did not know how to get out of england. That again encourage the drinking. So i immigrated to perth, i spoke to my wife who wanted a nice clean start and my marriage was struggling for a long period of time. But i really wa nted long period of time. But i really wanted to make it work because i just felt that having two children it was important for us to grow up asafamily it was important for us to grow up as a family and i also felt that maybe the opportunities in australia would be better than they are here. So with her blessing she left her family here, with her blessing we moved to australia. Hoping for a new start, hoping for a bright future. Why didnt it happen . Well a couple of things. Firstly the dream of trying to get my marriage, living in this little dream thinking naively that just moving countries this little dream thinking naively thatjust moving countries would cause things to change, it didnt. I then took on a franchise, the misery cricket helmet that i developed with my partner so i then promoted it in australia and it became the most successful helmet in australia. It became so successful that i ran out of money and that was taken away from me because i could not cope with running a business. There is one thing that i learned as a sportsman, i can definitely help try and promote or try and develop the best protective helmet in the world and promote the helmet to try and runa and promote the helmet to try and run a business is something very, very different. So that collapsed which then, i had to sell my house and my marriage broke up. I started drinking heavily and am happy to tell you you that i would drink a bottle and a half of vodka a day from the bottle. That is serious stuff. It is and it is very sad and i had no idea of how to stop. I knew what was wrong, i knew i had to stop but i did not know how to. You couldnt reach out for help . |j but i did not know how to. You couldnt reach out for help . I could and this is why i am saying that many people should reach out. I could have that i had too much pride. Ifelt that could have that i had too much pride. I felt that i could have that i had too much pride. Ifelt that i could do it on my own, that i could get through it on my own. And you cannot. There are many people out there. I understand and realise that there is so much help out there and so many Beautiful People and the Cricket Players Association here and their partners in australia, sorry, in england, are absolutely magnificent. The worth of it all, robin, was when you were disowned by your own children. Thats the worst, when all you want in your life is to be a great father and i dedicated my life to being as good a father and is fairasi to being as good a father and is fair as i could and i had a great relationship with my children. Which was temporarily destroyed. Labour it was, yeah. My wife, cathy, at the time, was in england and i drank too much stupidly and went and picked up my daughterfrom much stupidly and went and picked up my daughter from school, ran over a little bump and she said dad, stop the car, youve been drinking, stop the car, youve been drinking, stop the car. She got her way home and on the car. She got her way home and on the way back i was done for drink and driving. You became a slave to alcohol, you were ashamed, disgusted and scared. Yes, all those things and scared. Yes, all those things and many more. Anyway, so barry richards, who is a great family friend, knew that i was in serious trouble. He got in touch with me and he said why dont you go and stay at my apartment in scarborough, right next to the beach, and you can maybe recuperate, get yourself sorted, and that didnt really happen. I would walk down to the beach with a bottle, half a bottle of vodka, look up, wanting to finish my life. I was in sucha up, wanting to finish my life. I was in such a deep hole. Ifelt up, wanting to finish my life. I was in such a deep hole. I felt there was no way out. Two people who came to your rescue was your son harrison but also then later your partner, or new partner, karen. Tells the story of how that happened. Again, sitting on the beach, looking up at that Rendezvous Hotel in scarborough, i thought, thats the place. And i reminded myself, what they say you talking about. You Start Talking about yourself. And i said, thats the place im going to finish it. And i knew exactly how i was going to finish my life. I had enough. You planned it . I planned it. I had enough of living like i was. Lost hope, lost respect, laughingstock, friends, family. I thought, hope, lost respect, laughingstock, friends, family. Ithought, no. Im not going to put my family through any of this anymore. The easiest for them is to put them out of their misery. I would them is to put them out of their misery. Iwould never them is to put them out of their misery. I would never have had the guts to go and bought a gun. You planned it despite knowing this would cause enormous hurt to your children. You dont think logically. You dont things like that. I was causing so much hurt to them anyway. Maybe finishing it off and now i know, i look back, and goodness, gracious me, if people read the book, understand its not the way to go. Harrison basically had a conversation with you in which he reaffirmed his love for you. Three days later. I knew it was going to happen, i planned it, i bought the medication, i knew exactly what i was going to do and three days later he saw me curled up on the couch, he had a key to my apartment, he gave me some love and said dad, i love you, we love you, we still love you but youve got to get yourself right. You can win back the respect of everyone but dad, you have to sort yourself out. And from that moment on, i then went and stayed with my brother for a little while, trying to reduce my drinking. That didnt really help that much. Went on, again, lived on my own in another apartment for six months. Again, lonely, nothing to do. What saved me really was i still worked religiously 12 hours a day for six days a week and i cycled 70 kilometres a day. Id start every ten kilometres and pull out a little. Really . You had to. It just gives you this warmth. It allows you to feel at peace with yourself. And then everything feels 0k. Yourself. And then everything feels ok. But its not ok. It isnt. This ta kes ok. But its not ok. It isnt. This takes this to your first meeting with karen, your new partner. And then i thought to myself, look, who is going to be there to support you . At the end of the day, my brother was fantastic but at the end of the day, he was going to be there for you . Mum and dad. So i thought the only way for me to recover was to go back and live with mum and dad and they lived in the same apartment as karen. She had only moved down from christmas island, still part of Western Australia but not far from indonesia. She onlyjust moved down with her young family and she saw me by the pool and was so lovely, because she knew nothing about cricket. You open your heart to her and she didnt know about you. The only person she knew was shane worden. It was actually quite nice to talk to somebody who had no idea. What are her qualities that have brought you back from the bank . You know, she listened. Her empathy. Her understanding. But mainly just, know, she listened. Her empathy. Her understanding. But mainlyjust, as a friend, she knew that i was a good quy friend, she knew that i was a good guy ina friend, she knew that i was a good guy in a very bad place and she lived in christmas island, she was one of those when the boat people came in, share she was there to help the refugees, so shes had a lot of empathy and she could see that i was a decent local. Probably the only one at the time. A couple more points. The first is this incident which occurs several months, im a bit confused with the time, you are back in the same hotel, on the balcony, you had contemplated ending your life and suddenly. Geez, i mean, rob, you mention it and to try and relive that, i try and remain strong but having walked along the beach, i visualised exactly what i was going to do and how our is going to end my life. And then three years later, when i was clean, wasnt drinking, andi when i was clean, wasnt drinking, and i was approached by Yellow Jersey to run the sport for rob smyth who is an absolutely amazing journalist, and i thought to myself, i spoke to karen and said, where are we going to make the start . Lets go to the rendezvous. Its one of the only hotels in the area. We went there, got an apartment on the bottom floor and as i sat on the balcony, ijust bottom floor and as i sat on the balcony, i just saw this whoof, just dropa yard balcony, i just saw this whoof, just drop a yard away from me, i looked a ya rd drop a yard away from me, i looked a yard away from me and i said to karen, someone hasjust tried to commit themselves, you know, take their own life in suicide. U nfortu nately, their own life in suicide. Unfortunately, she had fallen into a little drain. She hadnt hit it hard. She fell into the strain and she was still breathing. Jesus, i jumped over the railing, ran to her rescue, held her hand and she looked at me with these beautiful eyes, she had done her make up, her hair was beautiful, fingernails just done. She was immaculate. And shejust looked at me and her heart was still pumping and she held my hand and squeezed my hand. I then, pumping and she held my hand and squeezed my hand. Ithen, karen pumping and she held my hand and squeezed my hand. I then, karen had joined in held her hand. She had just phoned the paramedics and they we re just phoned the paramedics and they were on their way and we both said to her, you are not on your own because i think the last thing you wa nt to because i think the last thing you want to do when you are in your dying moments is wanting to be on your own. And ijust looked into her eyes and the flashes that came back to me was, this is what i was going to me was, this is what i was going to do to myself. She then released my hand and she stopped breathing. You know, jesus. And ijust thought, that was going to be me three years earlier. That is a harrowing story. It mustve been harrowing. Id like to end ruefully on an optimistic note. Thank you. You are now in good form. Fantastic, absolutely brilliant. But youve always got to work hard, havent you, and everything . I was inspired by this book. I do read a lot particularly in australia about Mental Health and quys in australia about Mental Health and guys having this wonderful career and alli guys having this wonderful career and all i will say is, leaving a little message, there is a book of learning, it is a very raw story, i am pretty tough on myself but weve got to be prepared for life after sport. Maybe it happens in businesses as well. Somebody has been working on the same business for 40 years. They get to 60 and they retire. We all fall into that trap of feeling may be worthless as well. Robin smith, thank you very much for telling us your story. Rob, thank you very much. Thank you so, so much. Thank you. Hello. Our very unsettled spell of weather is set to continue as low pressure is still dominating our weather out there at the moment. Now this picture was taken on wednesday by one of our weather watchers in herstmonceux, east sussex. Grey skies there, weve had some heavy showers around. Much of the country has already seen heavy rain and we have still got flood warnings in force with more persistent rain to come over the next 24 48 hours. Now the area we are most concerned about during the day on thursday is this region, the south east of scotland where there could be 80 100 millimetres of rain falling falling over the highest ground. So that means disruption to travel, and flooding is likely. If you have a look through the course of thursday, that rain really will be quite relentless, only slowly easing away as we head through the latter part of the day. But lets take a look at the whole of the uk on thursday, lots of blue on the map. Lots of wet weather. Across central and northern parts of england, southern and eastern scotland, some heavy downpours. Northern ireland having a bit of a drier day, as does the far west of scotland too. South east of england should stay mostly dry, but therell be a few heavy showers and temperatures not doing great still, only around 11 16 degrees. Lots of cloud around, really, across the board. Now as we move through the course of thursday evening and into friday, we keep the cloud, we keep the patchy outbreaks of rain, probably not quite as heavy or as persistent as the rainfall during the day on thursday. But more downpours across england and wales, heavy showers rattling into northern ireland, too. And temperatures below what they have been in recent nights as those winds are set to fall light, too. Now low pressure still with us as we move through the day on friday, itsjust drifting towards the north west a little bit. Not as many isobars on the map as there has been recently, so not quite as breezy. But through the day on friday, its another unsettled story. Again, a lot of cloud to start the day. Some showery rain here and there across england and wales and some further rain showers piling in across parts of western scotland and northern ireland, too. A little bit more sunshine by the time we get to friday afternoon, lifting temperatures to about 13 19 degrees, not quite as cool as they have been. As we head through into the weekend, then, still a fairly unsettled story. Saturday, some showers in the west but eastern parts of the uk, sunny spells and just one or two isolated, scattered showers. Temperatures creeping up by a degree or so, theres still a noticeable breeze around on saturday. As we look further ahead into the course of next week, eventually we should lose the showers, at least from the south. Still fairly unsettled across the north, but temperatures on the rise. Bye bye. This is the briefing im sally bundock. Our top story this is the scene live in hong kong, where the authorities have announced the closure of some government offices. Its quiet, currently, after the storm of the past few days. There were violent clashes on wednesday against a controversial extradition law. Donald trump declares he would accept damaging information from a Foreign Government about political rivals in the next election campaign. Here in the uk its the first round of voting in the conservative leadership race. At least one of the ten candidates will be forced out today. And in Business Briefing trouble in the pipeline