Transcripts For CNN Real Time With Bill Maher 20240915

And now the hbo original series real time with bill maher the clock how are you doing? there robert baer. Hi everybody. How are you doing thank you very much. I know thank you very much. Hey wow. I appreciate it oh stop! okay. Wow. I know why you're excited today because trump's in l. A. Today. That's. Yeah. Can you feel it? doing some fundraising. Also, he's going to meet with the studios. He's got a great idea for a remake of the truth about cats. And dogs oh oh, man did you. Did you see the debate tuesday night? wow. Now i'm just going by what cnn had 25 independents who didn't hadn't made their mind before the debate she won 23 to 2. So that's pretty. I haven't seen a woman beat an opponent that bad since that olympic boxer with the suspicious high levels of testosterone uh wow it was pretty bad for him but halfway through it, he had a look on his face like, boy, where's a sniper when you need one? oh, we kid oh yeah. I mean, nobody thought he did good. His teenage son, barron was watching with some of the kids in his dorm. And at one time, at one point, he jumped up and screamed, that's not my dad! that's not my dad i thought i mean, she made trump look so much like a bitch that a haitian migrant tried to eat him. That well that's this is this is what he's basing his campaign on now that in springfield, illinois springfield is the name of the town where the invasions come. Whether it's the body snatcher now, it's haitian migrants. He says are eating eating the dogs. And that's when the korean migrants went i was close with him. Enough no, but today couldn't make this shit up today. I can't. How could. How can you top this today? trump is walking it back. He said, no, i'm sorry. It's not not the not the not the cats and the dogs at the reading. It's the it's the ducks and the geese. They're going to the ponds i'm ponds and they're taking the geese to eat them. And this is what trump supporters are doing now trying to prove that this facebook meme, this insanity that he's basing the campaign on, is true. They're literally on a wild goose chase. It's so interesting i animals it keeps growing and growing like noah's ark. If noah was a fat asshole and the crazy to me, i got to say the most ridiculous part of this whole thing is trump defending dogs. Trump. Trump hates dogs. He's the one guy in the world who hates dogs. The only president who didn't have a dog everything bad. He's like a dog. Like a dogs dog, like a dog. The dogs, they're rapists and they bring drugs. And some i assume, are good boys getting this from? well, he's got a new bullshit whisperer named laura loomer. Of course. That's her name laura loomer. There she is. He's with her everywhere now for maga people. It's she's like for people who find marjorie taylor greene too intellectual you name the crazy shit she believes in it birtherism. She's a nine over 11 truther crisis actor. Pizzagate rigged elections you've heard of florida, man? she's florida woman and she did you see this? she she ate dog food. Am i making that up? do you saw that? right? like a haitian no. I'm kidding this. Now there's a bitch fight within the republican party. I love this because yes, marjorie taylor greene, the voice of sanity has come out against laura loomer says she's too far right. She says she's a racist. Now, loomer has accused marjorie taylor greene. She says marjorie taylor greene is an antisemite, and she cheats on her husband. And she said, i can't believe i have to report this she said her lady parts resemble an arby's sandwich, which is arby's but and then lindsey graham housewives cast member got involved, and he's attacking laura loomer says she's toxic, and she posted back we know you're gay, lindsey let's see david muir fact check that. All right. We've got a great show. We have al franken kristen soltis anderson on saturdays this fall, cnn is taking a break from breaking news to air. Have i got news for you? breaking news. I'm getting a sandwich. We need to talk. About what constitutes breaking news. Have i got news for you premieres tonight at nine on cnn and stream next day on max bookstores i've read that one. I read that one. I read that. I didn't read that one. I didn't read that one. Can you get this? because i left my wallet way in my back pocket my pleasure. Because i earn unlimited 2% cash back wow. This is fascinating. Did you know whales and barnacles have a parasitic relationship? oh, i know about parasitic relationships let's go. Barnacle off. You go. Unlimited 2% cash back. The wells fargo active cash credit card relief works fast and lasts a full 24 hours. So dave can be the deliverer of dance okay, dave let's be more than our allergies. Seize the day with zyrtec. Why do couples choose a sleep number? smart bed. 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Circle is what you hope for when life tosses lemons. Your way. Circle is your frosted tree with a sweet kick of confidence. Circle is the effortless energy that gets you in the zone. Circle available at walmart and circle com. Reminder appointment i don't want to wait or have surgery for my dupuytren's contracture. I want a nonsurgical treatment and if nonsurgical treatment isn't offered, i'll get a second opinion. Take charge of your treatment if you can't lay your hand flat, visit. Find a hand specialist. Com to get started okay everyone, our mission is to provide complete, balanced nutrition for strength and energy and minerals nutrients for immune health and ensure complete with 30g of protein tv on the edge premieres next sunday at nine on cnn he is the cofounder and ceo of palantir technologies. Alex karp is here. Alex right. Hey. Nice to meet you. How are you doing? all right now, alex, usually the first guests here, people have some idea of who that person is. These know who you are. That's not an insult. They should. And we're going to fix that tonight. But say you're on a plane. You probably own your own plane because you're a rich guy. But say you're on a plane today and hey, where are you going? and you say, i'm going to do the bill maher show. And they go, i love that joke because that's mostly what would happen and they say to you does bill maher want to have you on the show? what would you say? i'm a funny guy i don't know. That's not a good supply of material. No. Well, the palantir was first of all, that's your company. Yeah. My company, i cofounded it. There's a cultural element. We were the first antiwoke, proamerican prodefense successful. We went public companies. So there's a cultural element. We defined silicon valley's reversal from. I sell you something that makes you dumber, slower stupider. And i tell you some platitude you don't believe. But, you know, i don't believe it. But you still somehow you get to be rich. So we got rid of that yes that's great. Yeah. That's right i've been so there's also a cultural element. I've been the most vocal about the pagan religion that's infected our colleges. I've been most vocal about getting rid of the carcinogen tiktok. So there's a lot of cultural stuff, but then from a technical perspective we were the first people to. We had the biggest impact on antiterror of any company in the world. Europe, if you were european, the only reason you're not stepping in your streets is because we stopped the terror attacks. That would have led to a change in government to the far right. Okay so all right. But if you one more thing. Yeah if you if you are, if you are in favor of america defending its allies, whether they be israel, ukraine, ukraine and others those allies are being defended by our product on the battlefield. If you want to find a bad person, use our product to do it. Okay, i think i asked the right first question. So that all out. And by the way i'm going to agree with you on all of it. That's why i wanted to have you on, because i think people should know this. And i'm all with you on all this but what do you actually do alex? i mean, i understand i understand a little bit, but i want you to explain it because palantir technologies i've heard it's been called the a. I. Arms dealer of the 21st century. That sounds evil but you're using you're selling to you're using your power for good and not evil, right? if you are prowest proamerica, you think that ukraine and israel should defend themselves, you love us if. And the reason you love us is because the way in which you find the adversary on the battlefield. So if the adversary is in the desert or in ukraine, whether it's a general or a terrorist, and the way you do it ethically before you take them out is you use our platform to use huge huge, huge sets of data to drill down on the one person who's hidden and take them out, and you also use it. So this is very important, and it's were you that that sounds like bin laden. Were you involved in getting bin laden? we are not allowed obviously. Can't discuss specifics. Oh come on. Well in any case, you're on television. We're on television. Come on but palantir is central to every conflict. Now, where america is involved in finding adversaries, organizing our troops, bringing our troops home safely. And it's faster, cheaper and better. And i'll tell you something else. The central advantage the u. S. Has over china, russia iran is our ability to produce weapons grade software and use it on the battlefield. Okay so actual business weapons grade software and then because it's weapon grade, a lot of commercial people buy it. So like we have i mean we have massive growth in us commercial. So people use it to drill oil. People use it to organize their, their fleets. People use it for manufacturing. You can use our various products in the civil civilian i know you're involved with the defense department, the intel agencies ice, border patrol the fda, the irs. What do you do? what are they? what are these people buying from you? so, for example operation warp speed, which arguably saved 3. 5 million, the vaccine, the vaccine. So how do you so that the civilian use cases are like how do you distribute a vaccine to the whole country? how do you distribute masks when you don't have enough? how do you do that overnight? the military use cases are where do you place your troops? how do you find somebody and the civilian use cases is or how do you make your business more efficient how do you do it in a way that's cheaper? how do you get the car to the right place? the doctor to the right place at the right time when you have huge regulatory oversight um could you do something here in the state of california? because we could we could really use some of that. And i know you help to get it. I mean, you left california like i left california like another guy who's involved in some of this kind of stuff, which is elon musk. Yeah. We are the two biggest companies to leave california early, and the two biggest that are involved in the defense of our country. I mean, starlink is very important. Well, i feel like look i owe california a great debt of debt of gratitude. I went to school here. I built a company here obviously, california has gone in the past way too far on this kind of hyper woke. We can get nothing done, but we it doesn't have to work because we pretend it works because we're good. People think and um, and you know, uh, yes and and i think and there are real consequences. So something like 87% of, of of the most important tech companies in the world are american. And if you look at what should have happened, germany and other places should have a tech scene. But you have to have rigorous thought. Meritocracy truth to build these companies and that's what you have to. We are we've been fighting to preserve because if you want to have palantir or spacex or whatever, you're going to build, you need to have a system where people can build things. It's rigorous. They keep the value of what they build and they share it with society okay certainly with you on the over woke stuff but if it is that constraining, how come? what did you say? 86% of the american 87%. Okay, then how come we have been so successful if we're so seattle, we have the best immigrants we organize people the best way we we have a sense of fairness togetherness. We bring the most creative people here and that's why the companies develop here. But you say we could be even better. We could be even better right? and what i also love about your philosophy is that you're not afraid to say america is still the good guys, even though we've done horrible things. Everybody has. We're human but have a little perspective. I feel like that is what is so lacking today. Well look, of course, america like every great nation, has done some really fucked up things, right? right. So that's obvious, right? but but look. But we know they're messed up because we hold ourselves to a high standard. And if you're going to compare us, which at the end of the day, morality has to be slightly compared, you're going to compare us to china or russia or iran, who else even aspires to these standards? and by the way, look at how our lives have changed. We're roughly the same age. When i was born half, you know, people had gays blacks, hispanics, people didn't have the rights you have now. Look at the progress we've made. It's like in one lifetime, it's like magic. That's amazing yeah it's literally it's literally like magic mean like, i spent half my life in germany. It's a very interesting, very developed society you do not have the integration. You do not have the innovation. You do not have the fairness. You don't have meritocracy. Most of the companies in germany that are big are owned by families that own them. 50 or 100 years earlier this is one country that produces this part of the problem, and part of the reason why people don't stand up for america is they don't understand how magical it is to get these things to work. And no other place does it at our scale with our diversity and different kinds of people and different kinds of thought. And in my case, i like you know, i was viewed as the frankenstein monster. I don't come from wealth and i get the opportunity to prove myself. No one in this country cares how crazy you are. If you deliver so so true. Yeah and i also like that you feel that, you know, you're helping america have the biggest swinging dick in the world. Absolutely. And and size matters does. And say if somebody has to have that, it should be us and it should be us. And you're not afraid to say we should scare our enemies, right with our power. You know, one of the things i've been on kind of a mantra about is as a lefty, our foreign policy should be if you touch an american, we are going to make you and your friends life hell what do we do we do that not enough. Not enough, not enough don't think we do that enough? because i feel like we had i mean, we just had the anniversary of nine over 11. Yeah. Okay. We look, i mean, we attacked an entire country that had nothing to do with it. I would say, well, there are many things we did that make no sense. Right? so okay. Yes. And but but we also we have not had another nine over 11 partly because of intel services and partly because of what we did and partly because we scared the living shit out of people. Yes. And that's why. So and then so this is like you either we you either have to show action and live safely, or you can talk a lot and live very dangerously. All right, last question and i'll let you go. I think we've covered a lot here. You say we will. We will soon have terminator robots. Will they have the austrian accent german and it's a nice flair, but what does that mean? terminator robots? i mean. Well there's a question in the modern war fighting. We're going to go to peer to peer war fighting. I think the more interesting thing we're going to have very soon is drone on drone war fighting, especially if we have a nearpeer, meaning china russia adversary. You're not going to be fighting as much with these big instruments you're going to be using software to control small instruments, and there's going to be hundreds of thousands of them, and they're going to be somewhat autonomous. Okay well, i certainly hope you stay in the cause of good and not evil because you're a very powerful guy. Thank you alex, great to meet you. I'll see you after been saying publicly what people are saying to themselves. I have enough money. I could just shut up. You know i just, i can't. Kabul saturday october 5th on cnn type two diabetes. 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Interesting guy. Okay. She is a conservative pollster and a cnn contributor kristen soltis anderson is here look who's here writer, comedian, former democratic senator from minnesota who now hosts the al franken podcast. He's good enough. He's smart enough. And doggone it, we like him. Al franken is over here. Oh, been so long since i had you on the panel all right. I am going to make this a very momentous night with a prediction, because i think i have the credibility for this prediction because i have been called a trump alarmist for a very long time. They were wrong, i was right. He wasn't going to leave power. Okay. But ever since then and since the hollywood access tape where he said, i'm going to grab him by the pussy and he survived that every time he's been done crazy shit and gotten his self in trouble. I said, no, no, it's not over. I've said that i've argued with people. Bret stephens, my good friend, he's on the show next week. He said at one point, a few years ago, the trump thing, i said, no, no no. Tonight i'm saying i think it's over i just want to bring up an analogy to one person. Even before we were around, there was a guy named joe mccarthy in the early 50s, and he had a hold on america, and it blew out in about two years. Right. 2 or 3 years, he was the biggest thing and then it was just. And i feel like eating the dogs were at this point, i think i feel like we're at the captain queeg with the strawberries, with denzel at the end of training day. I'm king kong up here. I just think he's going to lose share your confidence. Okay, great. Knowing how this is going to go, i mean, i know people don't think that the polls are very accurate so setting all of that aside, the reality is that people have known donald trump and known who he is for a very long time. And when you ask people, do you need to know more about these candidates with kamala harris, they say, yes, like 3 in 10 people say, i feel like i need to know more in order to make a decision. But when you ask that about donald trump, only a fraction of voters say that they do. And so people know who he is. And yet he's still competitive. You look at these battleground states, they're still 5050. He's hanging in there. It'll be tight on election day. As always. It will. The polls will be tight and then he'll lose that's my prediction. We'll see. I'm just saying things aren't until they are yeah thank god don't you feel better now huh okay. You don't agree or you don't? you don't. I hope you're right. Okay. All right, all right. So let me move on to the next question he is the guy who nothing he can do can deter about half the country from voting for him, i see the democrats have have two choices. They can either say well, he's such a monster. He's so crazy. I mean and this week was just above and beyond with the racial stuff, with kamala and this laura loomer person now the dogs, i mean you know you can either say half the country is deplorable they tried that. I never believed that. I don't think half the country is deplorable. I don't think you did. I don't think you believe that. Right? no there are some people who are deplorable. Absolutely. Okay yeah, we agree on that well, obviously it's a country of 350 million people. Some of them are going to be but you can either say half the country is deplorable. Anybody who likes him is deplorable, or the democrats can say why? why is this insane monster still attractive to half the country, if not attractive? why are they willing to vote? what are we doing that makes so many people go, yeah, but this other thing is worse. I mean, alex was talking a little bit about it up front. Yeah, you have if you look at people who say they're voting for donald trump, 93% of them like donald trump, but like 7% of voters who say, i'm voting for him really, really don't want to, but they feel like they have to because they feel like, well, i agree with him on policy. I'm not necessarily looking for someone that i like, and that's like, welltrod territory, right? that that he's got some voters who are going for him because they just think the alternative is worse. And that's why i think kamala harris's strategy has been so fascinating over the last two weeks. She's a blank slate to a lot of voters. They have no idea what she stands for. You've got a lot of these clips of really crazy positions she's taken in the past and they're going, is that who she still is? and she gets up there on that debate stage and she says, you know what? i don't even know. 2019, 2020 kamala harris i own a gun. Dick cheney likes me goldman sachs likes my economic policy. I throw gang leaders in jail. She's like begging nikki haley voters to come vote for her. And she's going to be able to get away with it because progressives right now hate donald trump. So much that she has like this unbelievably unlimited long leash to go and say that she is basically an rnc 20 or 2004 keynote speaker, please vote for me, republicans. And it might work. I would hardly say i own a gun. Makes you a keynote speaker. No, but but i do think that that the like if you add it all together, it's not just the it is that at every turn she is trying to make the case. My passion is small business. I mean she's really going after that slice of the republican party that left and said, trump's not for me she really thinks that she can make them not just leave the top of the ticket blank. Why does that have to be the republican party? you don't think there are democrats who own a gun democrats who like small business, but i don't think that typically when they're running for president, they're out there what's wrong with you i don't know no, no, too much. I apologize. Oh that was a little rusty, you know? yeah, yeah um go on harris is as conservative as she is portraying herself to be right now? or do you think that she is more accurately described by the words she used to give her own issue positions back in 2019, 2020? like, who is the real kamala harris, do you think? i think she really is where she is today what she in that debate? i thought it was a brilliant debate. I thought it was one of the best i've ever seen some of those positions are a little bit ho she is for fracking. But you know i still believe that she she, she's a politician, right. She wants to election. Thank god yeah. And also i back on your assessment that that makes her conservative. I don't think anything she's saying now makes her conservative. I think i think actually conservative. Let's be clear. That's the word you used to appeal to conservatives. I just think this shows how far we've moved, where she was in 2019 and 2020 was super far left. Yes, super. What we'd call woke. I know people don't like that term, but okay that's where she was now. I feel like she's just like center left. I mean, i don't know that fracking even fracking, has to be something that we demean this way. I mean, what we're trying to do is get the environment to its best place right it's it's a difficult thing to do and we're not there yet if we could have 100% solar and wind. Yes. But we're so far from there we have to use other things. Germany tried this. Other places have tried this where they got rid of all the the the coal plants they needed more energy. They had to reopen them. But they're back to over renewable. They are okay, but we're still not even close. And the thing that i think we have beyond lauren borgen next week, what he's been talking about, which is quite interesting is that when we have new energy from renewables, the amount of fossil fuels doesn't go down. People just use more. We're americans so there's also the reality that during the time that she has been in the white house, you had this moment where gas prices were going up. So much that if she comes out and says, look the reason i've changed positions on fracking is because gas prices were really high. I realized we needed to produce more that's great. I'm all for people learning more and converting the problem. I think she has is that she has so many positions from the past that she has changed a lot on and i don't think in that debate she got pressed nearly hard enough on why have you had this conversion besides this new position is really popular in pennsylvania nobody cares. You know, who should have pressed her is trump trump, yes. But he had a hard time in the debate uh because all all she did was talk about what she was for and then and end it by saying something that got him mad. Yeah that was it. That was her debate strategy and and it worked. The most predictable strategy in the world. It was the it's so easy. It's like a cock fight. Of course you can get the cocks to do it. You just put them in each other's face. And she did i mean, he's one of so many reasons why he is unthinkable as a leader. Because he cannot control his impulses on on an issue like immigration that donald trump loves to talk about she got him to start his answer by talking about crowd size like that is unbelievable. That's the that's like the slow pitch over the middle he should be able to just knock that out of the park and instead it was like squirrel. And he just can't he was found will not do it again okay. They're reading the squirrels and then our world changed. Tv on the edge premieres next sunday at nine on cnn this is what you want. This is what you need. This is the path to true happiness oh, man, i'm loving the sauce already delicious day at the office for me good to see you wow look at this. What i do for my art. Hey, that's good man salsa. We do this for real book is going nowhere. I have no clue what i'm doing. Like anyone who doesn't know what they're doing, i drove and i found what i didn't know i was looking for these three women, they all had the audacity to believe that they deserved more. I'm making more than i wanted to tell their stories. Is this what i wanted to hear? them myself feels like america's original and number one selling beat brand for heart health support, is now available at walmart. More cardiologists recommend super beats for heart health support than any other beat brand. So head to walmart and try super beats heart shoes today. These men of means, with their silver spoons. 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So, you don't like gnomes huh? what about that one? that one i like. A lot. ♪ bmo ♪ visit us at law. Com the pros for have i got news for you are pretty obvious. Yeah, but what are the cons? we could run on the news before then that would never happen. Have i got news for you premieres next on cnn listen, one day, a year, i can never get to sleep at night. And people know me, who know me know that night is the night before the country music award nominations honestly i have i've tried everything. Gummies melatonin, nothing works i'm just so excited and this year it was especially exciting because it was a big controversy. Because this is the year that beyonce put out her big album, country carter with the number one hit, and it got completely shut out of getting a nomination for the country music awards. So i was looking into this and, you know, it's it's interesting not just this song, but this is the new vogue in music is mixing country and rap. It's a new genre called crap. No thank you, it's a not it's actually great stuff. I remember, remember old town road that was like the number one hit. And then post malone now is a country singer and jelly roll and beyonce. It's the it's the newest thing so some of the if you're not aware here are some of the other songs that were up for a country music award that are crossover between country and rap. For real. There's all my shorties. Drawing from 40s is what it was a big one and. Oh, this one was great. Bling of fire. Do you have that on your ipod? oh, it's terrific. Um the hennessy walz walk into sam's club, i think uh to all the grillz i've loved before it's really a movie, but we shoehorned it in. Uh i twerk the line. It's a very moving like, i like big buckles uh all these are just terrific songs. The devil went down to freaknik and and, of course lonesome i could crunk. Okay so do this for real. Look at what? i do for my art hey. That's good man we do this for real every weekday morning, here are the five things you need to know to start your day. Stream cnn's five things with kate baldwin for you need. How about this for an earnings call? headline in five minutes or less. The battle for democracy. You learn something every and the stories you'll want to share. Oh my god liftoff. It is awe inspiring to see it when it happens. Bravo! bring it together, guys. Cnn's five things with kate baldwin streaming weekdays on cnn. Com and max this is what you want. This is what you need. That's a good day at the office for me i read that one. I read that one. I read that one. I didn't read that one. I didn't read that one. Can you get this? because i left my wallet way in my back pocket. My pleasure. Because i earn unlimited 2% cash back wow, this is fascinating. Did you know whales and barnacles have a parasitic relationship? oh, i know about parasitic relationships. Let's go barnacle. Off you go. Unlimited 2% cash back. The wells fargo active cash credit card what is the dumbest thing you've ever wasted money on? i was paying for two netflix accounts over, like, three years. How did you figure that out? i saw an app that shows you all the monthly subscriptions you have and how much you're paying. What is the app called? rocket money greetings happen. Hi, cutie yeah, that's not good happens. Huge things happen to uc davis home happens. Be there with rain learn more at ring. Com diabetes can serve up a lot of questions like what is your glucose? and can you have more carbs? before you decide with the freestyle libre three system, know your glucose and where it's heading. No fingersticks needed. Now the world's smallest and thinnest sensor sends your glucose levels directly to your smartphone. Manage your diabetes with more confidence and lower your a1c the number one cgm prescribed in the u. S. Try it for free at freestylelibre. Us what would y'all name this chapter of y'all life? probably family. Family, why is that? buenos dias, buenos dias. La comunidad es el corazón del barrio. Pues sin ella no hay vida, no hay esperanza. Everything that i'm doing is for my family. Yeah. Las mismas cosas que yo quiero para mi hijo las quiero para los niños de la comunidad. (♪♪) less than $20. Go to now that taylor swift has saved democracy she has one more mission. Stop making travis a douche i don't own a cat, but i know what it smells like when they mark their turf since cats are so on everyone's mind these days. New rule. The makers of tablet the app that tells you whether or not your cat is happy, have to answer one question. Doesn't that ruin the mystery i mean plainly, that is the attraction of a cat want a pet that for you when you come home we have that. It's called a dog people like that and some people like when you come home and your pet glances at you like a stepford wife. And a loveless marriage, i guess we're all different okay rule. Everyone must recognize that when we say never forget about something we always forget not only have we forgotten 911 ground zero is now a shopping mall with a banana republic, sephora and jamba juice. But on the bright side to recap, the galleria at the world trade center one caliphate zero. Now freshman whose i'll get him back with this one. The college freshman who's been complaining on reddit that his dorm mate sits in their room all day playing league of legends and so he hasn't been able to jerk off for two weeks. Must be told it gets better maher with a message to college freshmen with backed up sperm i know how hard it can be for you. It's your first time away from home. Your roommate barely speaks english your weighted blanket, your your ritalin prescription ran out and the from the river to the sea chants outside your window are keeping you up at night. But hang in there. As nietzsche said what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Also, you know the shower right down the hall. Use that dumbass oj someone has to tell chad condit, who is suing california state senator maria alvarado gil because he claims she forced him to perform oral sex on her while she was his boss including once in her car, and that left him with three herniated discs and a collapsed hip the biggest humblebrag in history amongst us hasn't tapped out because they couldn't keep going but you're saying you stuck it out at the expense of your spinal cord in order to in order to get your boss to the finish line? good god, man. You're the greatest lover of all time. And employee of the month now that we've shown that it's possible to begin a campaign for president just three months before the election let's always do that. Yeah voters don't pay attention until labor day. Well, then, let's start the election on labor day. And end it on election day civil war starts but i'll get to that in a minute. But honestly, what sentient person couldn't cast their vote right now? trump announced his run nearly two years ago. Did anyone say good, i need i need to hear more about this donald trump if he can support forcing a woman to choose whether to have an abortion in six weeks, we can choose whether or not to abort him in 12. A funny people for most things. We have zero attention span nearly half of tiktok users say watching videos that last over a minute is stressful states have no waiting period for a gun because if we order a pizza and it's not there in 30 minutes, someone has to die you order if you order a garden gnome when you're drunk on amazon, it's on your doorstep before you sober up we five minute car washes. Speed dating 15 minute oil change, 20 minute facelifts, a 2005 survey found that vaginal sex typically lasts because we fuck like we eat yeah like we're fucking on cocaine when hanging on to be the candidate. Many of the pundits said that to switch him out this late would cause chaos. Yeah, that was never my position. And indeed, what happened was kamala harris said, oh, look, i guess it's my turn. And the next day a grateful nation handed her $500 million. The only reason we stay stuck in permanent campaign mode is money. It's estimated this year that $16 billion will be spent on political ads. It's time we admit that the endless campaign exists only to enrich advertisers political consultants and what's left of the news media that we're just getting to know kamala isn't bad. It's great. Great for her, great for the country. People didn't used to get sick of the candidates because you barely ever saw them, unless you happened to be standing at the back end of a train but seeing them. The winner in modern elections comes down to who? we're less tired of. They're just constantly on us. Tv phones texting. Hey, bill tim walz here you want they're everywhere. All the time. Jesus christ, fuck off let mommy put her purse down everything in the modern world moves so fast except politics it's the one exception. Well politics and streaming series people are always telling me i should binge watch a show that gets good in season three. Season three. What needs? every idea that would make one single decent movie is now a ten part series, and the middle three episodes are just the old cop with a dark secret and the lesbian cop with the neck tattoo saying, are you as confused as i am confused. Why the hell do we still need a ridiculous 11 week period between election and inauguration? it made sense in the old days when it took that long to get from illinois to washington by horse, but we have planes now we don't have to strap william howard taft to a buckboard and wheel his ass in from ohio we the intermission between election and inauguration as a transition period like, that's good. And it makes us mature. It's not. It's a fetid swamp which breeds nothing but mischief. When other countries vote out their politicians, they throw their clothes right out on the front lawn within days. Bye bye, loser you don't you don't get three months to sit there and think about rioting. Where else in life does this ever happen where a person gets terminated and they just let you stay on for a couple of months? no. When you get fired at google, you pack up your cardboard box with the sad plant and you're gone. That day minister and they take over in two weeks. The french hit it and quit it in three. Japan's season lasts 12 days in england, their campaign is 25 working days, and the new prime minister moves into ten downing street within hours. In mexico and the philippines, campaigns last 90 days in brazil, 45. And these are the laid back countries yeah, the ones where you ask room service for a bucket of ice and it comes as you're boarding the flight home and yet yet they all manage to wrap up an election in the same amount of time that it takes a 90 day fiancé to say sure, i'll fuck a fat guy for a green card if tlc can do 90 day fiance, we can do 90 day commander in chief this point, i feel like melania in the bedroom. I just want to get whatever is going to happen over with. All right, that's our show. I'll be at taft theatre in cincinnati september 29th. The majestic in san antonio, october 12th, and tulsa in tulsa, october 13th. I want to thank kristen soltis anderson al franken and alex karp go watch overtime now on youtube. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen

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