Transcripts For CNN Real Time With Bill Maher 20240916

Start the clock everybody. How are you doing hello. Down there hi everybody. How are you doing thank you very much. I know thank you very much. Hey wow. I appreciate it all stopped okay wow. I know why youre excited today because trumps in l. A. Today. Thats. Yeah. Can you feel it doing some fundraising also. Hes going to meet with the studios. Hes got a great idea for a remake of the truth about cats and dogs did you see the debate Tuesday Night . Wow. Now im just going by what cnn had 25 independents who didnt hadnt made their mind before the debate. She won 23 to 2. So thats pretty. I havent seen a Woman Beat an opponent that bad since that olympic boxer. With the suspicious high levels of testosterone uh wow it was pretty bad for him but halfway through it, he had a look on his face like, boy, wheres a sniper when you need one . Woo oh, we kid oh yeah. I mean, nobody thought he did good. His his teenage Son Barron was watching with some of the kids in his dorm. And at one time, at one point, he jumped up and screamed, thats not my dad thats not my dad no, i thought i mean, she made trump look so much like a bitch that a haitian migrant eat him. That thats this is this is what hes basing his campaign on now that in springfield, illinois. Springfield is the name of the town where the invasions come, whether its a Body Snatcher now, its haitian migrants, he says. Are eating eating the dogs. And thats when the korean migrants went i was close. It could have been us no, but today make this shit up today. I cant. How could. How can you top this today . Trump walking it back. He said no, im sorry. Its not not the not the not the cats and the dogs at the rating. Its the its the ducks and the geese. Theyre going to the ponds. Im theyre going to the ponds and theyre taking the geese to eat them. And this is what trump supporters are doing now trying to prove that this facebook meme, this insanity that hes basing the campaign on, is true. Theyre literally on a wild goose chase. Its so interesting and animals it keeps growing and growing like noahs ark. If noah was a Fat Asshole and the crazy to me i got to say the most ridiculous part of this whole thing is trump defending dogs. Trump. Trump hates dogs. Hes the one guy in the world who hates dogs. The only president who didnt have a dog. Everything bad. Hes like a dog. Look, a dogs dog. Like a dog. The dogs, theyre rapists and they bring drugs. And some i assume, are good boys getting this from . Well, hes got a new Bullshit Whisperer named Laura Loomer. Of course, thats her name. Laura loomer. There she is. Hes with her everywhere now for maga people. Its. Shes like, for people who find Marjorie Taylor Greene, too intellectual you mean you name the Crazy Shit she believes in it birtherism. Shes a nine over 11 Truther Crisis actor. Pizzagate rigged elections youve heard of florida, man . Shes Florida Woman she she. She ate dog food. Am i making that up . Do you saw that . Right . Like a haitian no. Im kidding this. Now theres a Bitch Fight within the Republican Party. I love this because. Yes, Marjorie Taylor Greene, The Voice of sanity has come out against Laura Loomer. Says shes too far right. She says shes a racist. Now, loomer has accused Marjorie Taylor Greene. She says Marjorie Taylor Greene is an antisemite and she cheats on her husband. And she said, i cant believe i have to report this she said her Lady Parts resemble an arbys sandwich, which is arbys but and then Lindsey Graham housewives cast member got involved, and hes attacking Laura Loomer says shes toxic. And she posted back we know youre gay, lindsey lets see David Muir Fact check that. All right. Weve got a great show. We have Al Franken Kristen Soltis Anderson on saturdays this fall, cnn is taking a break from Breaking News to air. Have i got news for you . Breaking news. Im getting a sandwich. We need to talk. About what constitutes Breaking News. Have i got news for you . Next saturday at nine on Cnn And Stream next day on max bookstores. I read that one. I read that one. I read that one. I didnt read that one. I didnt read that one. Can you get this . Because i left my Wallet Way in my back pocket. My pleasure. Because i earn unlimited 2 Cash Back wow. This is fascinating. Did you know whales and barnacles have a parasitic relationship . Oh, i know about parasitic relationships lets go. Barnacle. Off you go. Unlimited 2 Cash Back. The Wells Fargo active Cash Credit Card i had no idea i was still paying for Inflight Wifi until i finally checked my credit card. Statement. 14 months and 600 later. Thats why i created Rocket Money, an app that shows you all your subscriptions in one place. See something you no longer want . You can cancel it straight from the app download Rocket Money today vicks Vapor Stick provides soothing nonmedicated vicks vapors easy to apply for the whole family. Vicks Vapor Stick and try new Vapor Shower Max for Steamy Vicks vapors im getting vaccinated with pfizers pneumococcal Pneumonia Vaccine so am i because im at risk for Pneumococcal Pneumonia . Come on i already got a Pneumonia Vaccine, but im asking about the added protection of Prevnar 20. If youre 19 or older with certain chronic conditions like asthma, Diabetes Copd or heart disease, or are 65 or older, you are at increased risk for Pneumococcal Pneumonia. Prevnar 20 is approved in adults to help prevent infections from 20 strains of the bacteria that cause Pneumococcal Pneumonia in just one dose. Dont get Prevnar 20 if youve had a severe allergic reaction to the vaccine or its ingredients. Adults with weakened Immune Systems may have a lower response to the vaccine the most common Side Effects were Pain And Swelling at the injection site, muscle pain fatigue, headache and joint pain. I want to be able to keep my plans. I dont want to risk ending up in the hospital with Pneumococcal Pneumonia. Thats why i chose Prevnar 20. Ask your Doctor Or Pharmacist about the Pfizer Vaccine for Pneumococcal Pneumonia looking for a way to stretch the dollar with insurify, you can cut your Car Insurance Bill in Half Scroll through dozens of prices, and tap to switch online. Thats it. No Phone Calls and no wasted time. Go to insurify and save today limo, you said it. Then as i spike it, ill tell them how Liberty Mutual Customizes Car Insurance so they only pay for what they need. Got it only pay for what you need. Liberty liberty, Liberty Liberty tv on the edge premieres next sunday at nine on Cnn Cofounder and ceo of Palantir Technologies. Alex karp is here. Alex right. Hey. Nice to meet you. How are you doing . All right. Now, alex usually the first guests here. People have some idea of who that person is these people dont know who you are thats not an insult. They should. And were going to fix that tonight but say youre on a plane. You probably own your own plane because youre a rich guy. But say youre on a Plane Today and hey, where are you going . And you say, im going to do the Bill Maher show. And they go, i love that show. Because thats mostly what would happen you have you on the show . What would you say . Im a funny guy. I dont know. Thats not it. I can supply some material. Um, no. Well, the palantir was. First of all, thats your company . Yeah. My company. I cofounded it. Theres a cultural element we were the first antiwoke, proamerican prodefense successful. We went public company so theres a cultural element. We defined silicon Valleys Reversal from i sell you something that makes you dumber slower, stupider. And i tell you some platitude you dont believe. You know, i dont believe it, but you still, somehow you get to be rich. So we got rid of that. Yes. Thats great. Yeah. Thats right. I came i say theres also a cultural element. Ive been the most vocal about the pagan religion thats infected our colleges. Ive been most vocal about getting rid of the carcinogen tiktok. So theres a lot of cultural stuff but then from a technical perspective, we were the first people to. We had the biggest impact on antiterror of any company in the world. Europe if you were european, the only reason youre not stepping in your street is because we stopped the terror attacks. That would have led to a change in government to the far right. Okay. So all right. But lets lets if you one more thing. Yeah. If you if you are if you are in favor of america defending its allies, whether they be israel, ukraine ukraine and others, those allies are being defended by our product on the battlefield. If you want to find a bad person and use our product to do it. Okay i think i asked the right first question. I got that all out of it. And by the way im going to agree with you on all this thats why i wanted to have you on, because i think people should know this. And im with you on all this but what do you actually do alex . I mean, i understand i understand a little bit, but i want you to explain it because Palantir Technologies ive heard its been called the a. I. Arms dealer of the 21st century. That sounds evil but youre using youre selling to youre using your power for good and not evil, right . If you are prowest proamerica, you think that Ukraine And Israel should defend themselves, you love us if. And the reason you love us is because the way in which you find the adversary on the battlefield. So if the adversary is in the desert or in ukraine, whether its a general or a terrorist, and the way you do it ethically before you take them out is you use our platform to use huge huge, huge sets of data to drill down on the one person whos hidden and take them out, and you also use it. So this is very important, and its were you that that sounds like Bin Laden. Were you involved in getting Bin Laden . We are not allowed obviously cant discuss specifics. Oh come on. Well in any case, youre on television. Were on television. Come on. But palantir is central to every conflict. Now, where america is involved in finding adversaries, organizing our troops, bringing our troops home safely. And its faster, cheaper and better. And ill tell you something else. The central advantage the u. S. Has over china, Russia Iran is our ability to produce Weapons Grade Software and use it on the battlefield. Okay so actual business Weapons Grade Software and then because its weapon grade, a lot of commercial people buy it. So like we have i mean we have massive growth in us commercial. So people use it to drill oil. People use it to organize their, their fleets. People use it for manufacturing. You can use our various products in the civil civilian i know youre involved with the defense department, the intel agencies ice, Border Patrol the fda, the irs. What do you do . What are they . What are these people buying from you . So, for Example Operation Warp speed, which arguably saved 3. 5 million. The vaccine, the vaccine. So how do you so that the civilian use cases are like how do you distribute a vaccine to the whole country . How do you distribute masks when you dont have enough . How do you do that overnight . The Military Use Cases are where do you place your troops . How do you find somebody and the civilian use cases is or how do you make your business more efficient how do you do it in a way thats cheaper . How do you get the car to the right place . The doctor to the right place at the right time when you have huge Regulatory Oversight Um could you do something here in the state of california . Because we could we could really use some of that. And i know you help to get it. I mean, you left california like i left california like another guy whos involved in some of this kind of stuff, which is elon musk. Yeah we are the two biggest companies to leave california early, and the two biggest that are involved in the defense of our country. I mean starlink is very important. Well, i feel like, look, i owe california a great debt of great debt of gratitude. I went to school here. I built a company here obviously, california has gone in the past way too far on this kind of hyper woke. We can get nothing done, but we it doesnt have to work because we pretend it works because were good people thing. And, um and you know, uh, yes and and i think and there are real consequences to this. So something like 87 of, of of the most important Tech Companies in the world are american. And if you look at what should have happened, germany and other places should have a tech scene. But you have to have rigorous thought meritocracy, truth to build these companies. And thats what you have to. We are weve been fighting to preserve because if you want to have Palantir Or Spacex or whatever, youre going to build, you need to have people can build things. Its rigorous. They keep the value of what they build and they share it with society okay agreed and im certainly with you on the over woke stuff but if it is that constraining, how come . What did you say . 86 of the american 87 . Okay then how come we have been so successful . If were so shackled, we have the best immigrants we organize people the best way we we have a sense of fairness, togetherness we bring the most creative people here. And thats why the companies develop here. But you say we could be even better. We could be even better, right . And what i also love about your philosophy is that youre not afraid to say america is still the good guys, even though weve done horrible things. Everybody has were human, but have a little perspective. I feel like that is what is so lacking today. Well, look of course, america, like every great nation, has done some really fucked up things right . Right. So thats obvious, right but but look. But we know theyre messed up because we hold ourselves to a high standard. And if youre going to compare us, which at The End of the day, morality has to be slightly comparative, youre going to compare us to china, russia, iran, who else even aspires to these standards . And by the way, look at how our lives have changed. Were roughly the same age when i was born, half the people had gays, blacks hispanics. People didnt have the rights you have now look at the Progress Weve made. Its like in one lifetime. Its like magic. Thats amazing yeah its literally its literally like magic and no other society. I mean like, i spent half my life in germany. Its a very interesting, very developed society. You do not have the integration. You do not have the innovation. You do not have the fairness. You dont have meritocracy most of the companies in germany that are big are owned by families that own them 50 or 100 years earlier this is one country that produces this part of the problem, and part of the reason why people dont Stand Up For America is they dont understand how magical it is to get these things to work and no other place does it at our scale, with our diversity and different kinds of people and different kinds of thought. And in my case, i like you know, i was viewed as the frankenstein monster. I dont come from wealth and i get the opportunity to prove myself. No one in this country cares how crazy you are. If you deliver so so true. Yeah and i also like that you feel that, you know, youre helping america have the biggest Swinging Dick in the world. Absolutely. And and size matters it does. And to say if somebody has to have that, it should be us and it should be us. And youre not afraid to say we should scare our enemies right . With our power. You know, one of the things ive been on kind of a mantra about is, as a lefty our Foreign Policy should be, if you touch an american we are going to make you and your Friends Life Hell what do we do we do that not enough, not enough, not enough that enough . Because i feel like we had i mean, we just had the anniversary of 9 11. Yeah. Okay we look, i mean, we attacked an entire country that had nothing to do with it. I would say, well, there are things we did that make no sense, right so. Okay. Yes. And but we also we have not had another nine over 11 partly because of intel services and partly because of what we did and partly because we scared the living shit out of people. Yes. And thats why so and then so this is like you either we you either have to show action and live safely or you can talk a lot and live very dangerously all right. Last question and ill let you go i think weve covered a lot here you say we will. We will soon have terminator robots. Will they have the austrian accent well, you know, i speak german and its a nice flare um, what does that mean . Terminator robots, i mean, well theres a question in the modern war fighting. Were going to go to peer to peer war fighting. I think the more interesting thing were going to have very soon is drone on drone war fighting, especially if we have a nearpeer, meaning china russia adversary. Youre not going to be fighting as much with these big instruments. Youre going to be using software to control small instruments, and theres going to be hundreds of thousands of them, and theyre going to be somewhat autonomous okay. Well, i certainly hope you stay in the cause of good and not evil, because youre a very powerful guy. Thank you. Alex. Great to meet you. Ill see you after theres three things i aint changing i aint changing wives. Im not changing sexual orientation. Im not changing political parties. Were going to go to the house with what we got here. Okay kabul. Saturday, October 5th on Cnn Blend of Design And Performance the new genesis g80. Enjoy Peace Of Mind with a ten year, 100 000 Mile Powertrain limited warranty exclusively at your local genesis retailers. My book is going nowhere. I have no clue what im doing. Like anyone who doesnt know what theyre doing, i drove and i found what i didnt know i was looking for these three women. They all had the audacity to believe that they deserved more. Im waking up more than i wanted to tell their stories. Is this what freedom . I wanted to hear them myself. Feels like diabetes. Discover the ozempic Try Zone 00 00 ozempic i got the power of three i lowered my A1c Cv Risk and lost some weight. In studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under seven and maintained it. 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You seem kind of sluggish today. Things arent really moving. You could use some metamucil metamucil. Psyllium fiber helps keep your Digestive System moving so you can feel lighter Lumi Dotcom brought to you by book. Com if you or a loved one have mesothelioma well send you a free book to answer questions you may have. Call now and well come to you. 800 821 4000. Two interesting guy okay. She is a conservative pollster and a cnn contributor. Kristen Soltis Anderson is here look whos here. Writer, comedian, former democratic senator from minnesota who now hosts the Al Franken podcast. Hes good enough, hes smart enough. And doggone it we like him. Al franken is over here. Oh, been so long since i had you on the panel all right i im going to make this a very momentous night with a prediction because i think i have the credibility for this prediction because i have been called a Trump Alarmist for a very long time. They were wrong, i was right. He wasnt going to leave power. Okay but ever since then and since the Hollywood Access Tape where he said, im going to grab him by the pussy and he survived that every time hes been done Crazy Shit and gotten himself in trouble, i said, no, no, its not over. Ive said that. Ive argued with people. Bret stephens, my good friend, hes on the show next week. He said at one point a few years ago, the Trump Thing i said, no, no, no. Tonight im saying, i think its over i just want to bring up an analogy to one person. Even before we were around, there was a guy named Joe Mccarthy in the early 50s, and he had a hold on america, and it blew out in about two years. Right 2 or 3 years. He was the biggest thing and then it was just and i feel like eating the dogs were at this point, i think i feel like were at the Captain Queeg with the strawberries, with denzel at The End of training day, im King Kong up there i just think hes going to lose i do not share your confidence. Okay, great. Knowing how this is going to go. I mean, i know people dont think that the polls are very accurate so setting all of that aside the reality is that people have known Donald Trump and known who he is for a very long time. And when you ask people do you need to know more about these candidates with Kamala Harris, they say, yes, like 3 in 10 people say, i feel like i need to know more in order to make a decision. But when you ask that about Donald Trump, only a fraction of voters say that they do. And so people know who he is and yet hes still competitive. You look at these battleground states, theyre still 5050. Hes hanging in there. Itll be tight on Election Day. As always. It will. The polls will be tight and then hell lose thats my prediction. Well see. Im just saying things arent until they are yeah. Thank god dont you feel better off okay. You dont agree, are you . You dont. I hope youre right. Okay. All right, all right, so let me move on to the next question the guy who nothing he can do can deter about half the country from voting for him, i see the democrats have two choices. They can either say well, hes such a monster. Hes so crazy. I mean in this week was just above and beyond with the racial stuff with kamala and this Laura Loomer person. Now the dogs, i mean, i could you know, you can either say half the country is deplorable they tried that. I never believed that. I dont think half the country is deplorable. I dont think you did. I dont think you believe that. Right . No there are some people who are deplorable. Absolutely. Okay yeah, we agree on that well, obviously its a country of 350 Million people. Some of them are going to be. But you can either say half the country is deplorable anybody who likes him is deplorable or the democrats can say why . Why is this insane monster still attractive to half the country, if not attractive . Why are they willing to vote . What are we doing that makes so many people go yeah, but this other thing is worse. I mean, alex was talking a little bit about it up front. Yeah, you have if you look at people who say theyre voting for Donald Trump 93 of them like Donald Trump, but like voting for him dont want to, but they feel like they have to because they feel like, well, i agree with him on policy. Im not necessarily looking for someone that i like, and thats like welltrod territory, right . That that hes got some voters who are going for him because they just think the alternative is worse. And thats why i think Kamala Harriss strategy has been so fascinating over the last two weeks. Shes a blank slate to a lot of voters. They have no idea what she stands for. Youve got a lot of these clips of really crazy positions shes taken in the past, and theyre going, is that who she still is . And she gets up there on that Debate Stage and she says, you know what . I dont even know. 2019, 2020 Kamala Harris i own a gun. Dick cheney likes me Goldman Sachs likes my economic policy. I throw Gang Leaders in jail. Shes like begging Nikki Haley voters to come vote for her and shes going to be able to get away with it because progressives right now hate Donald Trump so much that she has like this unbelievably unlimited long leash to go and say that she is basically an rnc 20 or 2004 keynote speaker, please vote for me, republicans. And it might work. I would hardly say i own a gun. Makes you a keynote speaker. No, but but i do think that that the like if you add it all together is that at every turn she is trying to make the case. My passion is Small Business. I mean, shes really going after that slice of the Republican Party that left and said trumps not for me. She really thinks that she can make them not just leave the top of the Ticket Blank why does that have to be the Republican Party . You dont think there are democrats who own a gun democrats who like Small Business but i dont think that typically when theyre running for president , theyre out there whats wrong with you oh, no no, no, too much i apologize its okay. I apologize oh that was a little rusty, you know . Yeah, Yeah Um Go On Kamala Harris is as conservative as she is portraying herself to be right now . Or do you think that she is more accurately described by the words she used to give her own issue positions back in 2019, 2020 . Like who is the real Kamala Harris . Do you think i think she really is where she is today, what she in that debate . I thought it was a brilliant debate. I thought it was one of the best ive ever seen you know, and yeah some of those positions are a little bit remarkable how Gung Ho she is for fracking but, you know i still believe that she she, shes a politician, right. She wants to win this election. Thank god. Yeah and also i i want to push back on your assessment that that makes her conservative. I dont think anything shes saying now makes her conservative. I think i think actually conservative. Lets be clear. Thats the word you used to appeal to conservatives. I just think this shows how far weve moved, where she was in 2019 and 2020 was super far left. Yes, super what wed call woke. I know people dont like that term, but okay, thats where she was. Now i feel like shes just like center left. I mean i dont know that fracking, even fracking has to be something that we demean this way i mean, what were trying to do is get the environment to its best place right difficult thing to do and were not there yet. If we could have 100 solar and wind. Yes. But were so far from there we have to use other things. Germany tried this. Other places have tried this where they got rid of all the the, the Coal Plants they needed more energy. They had to reopen them. But theyre back to over 50 renewable. They are okay, but were still not even close. And the thing that i think we have beyond Lauren Borgen next week, what hes been talking about, which is quite interesting, is that when we have new energy from renewables, the amount of Fossil Fuels doesnt go down. People just use more. Were americans so theres also the reality that during the time that she has been in the white house, you had this moment where Gas Prices were going up. So much that if she comes out and says look, the reason ive changed positions on fracking is because Gas Prices were really high. I realized we needed to produce more thats great. Im all for people learning more and converting. The problem i think she has is that she has so many positions from the past that she has changed a lot think in that debate she got pressed nearly hard enough on why have you had this conversion besides this new position is really popular in pennsylvania. Nobody cares. You know who should have pressed her is trump. Trump, yes. But he had a hard time in the debate uh because all all she did was talk about what she was for and then and end it by saying something that got him mad. Yeah her debate strategy. And it worked. The most predictable strategy in the world. It was the its so easy. Its like a cock fight. Of course you can get the cocks to do it. You just put them in each others face. And she did. I mean, hes one of so many reasons why he is unthinkable as a leader. Because he cannot control his impulses on on an issue like immigration that Donald Trump loves to talk about she got him to start his answer by talking about Crowd Size like that is unbelievable. Thats the thats like the slow pitch over the middle. He should be able to just knock that out of the park. And instead it was like squirrel. And he just cant he was that found himself. Do it again. No i will not do it again. Theyre reading the squirrels morning. Here are the five things you need to know to start your day. Cnns five things with kate baldwin, Streaming Weekdays on Max Oh Na na na know what you know about me . What you know about me now baby, baby baby. Are you ready for a little looking for a way to stretch the dollar with insurify. You can cut your Car Insurance Bill in Half Scroll through dozens of prices and tap to switch online. Thats it. No Phone Calls and no wasted time. Go to insurify and save today ma ma ma ma for fast horse road relief, try Vicks Vapocool drops with two times more menthol per drop and powerful vicks vapors to vaporize sore Throat Pain Vicks Vapocool drops vaporize sore Throat Pain. This is our future, ma. Godaddy creates a logo, website, even social posts in minutes. Now i like it. Who wants to come see the future . Get your business online in minutes with godaddy arrow. What is the dumbest thing youve ever wasted money on i was paying for two netflix accounts over like three years. Thats like if dollars. Howd you figure that out . I saw an app that shows you all the monthly subscriptions you have and how much youre paying so whatd you do then . Just like, call and cancel or i have a phobia of making calls, so absolutely, i did not do that. The Ext Brainy To 231231. Now the athletes in aew are pushing the limits of what is capable inside a wrestling ring. Im ready to show the world how good i am. I trained all over the globe and thats what youre going to see in aew. A whole different Beast Aew Wednesday Night dynamite at eight on tbs listen, one day a year, i can never get to sleep at night and people know me, who know me, know that night is the night before the Country Music Award nominations honestly i have ive tried everything gummies melatonin. Nothing works. Im just so excited. And this year it was especially exciting because it was a big controversy. Because this is the year that beyonce put out her big album, country carter, with the Number One hit and it got completely shut out of getting a nomination for the Country Music Awards. So i was looking into this and, you know, its its interesting not just this song, but this is the new vogue in music is mixing country and rap. Its a new genre called crap. No its a actually great stuff. I remember, remember old Town Road that was like the Number One hit. And then post malone now is a Country Singer and Jelly Roll and beyonce. Its the its the newest thing. So some of the if youre not aware, here are some of the other songs that were up for a Country Music Award that are crossover between country and rock. For real. Theres all my shorties drink from 40s is what it was a big one. And, uh this one was great. Bling of fire. Do you have that on your ipod . Oh, its Terrific Um The Hennessy Walz the Hennessy Wall in da sams club, i think grills ive loved before boys in the hoods its really a movie but we shoehorned it in, uh i twerk the line. Its a very moving buckles uh all these are just terrific songs. The devil went down to Freaknik And Course crunk okay, so Have I Got News For You are pretty obvious. Yeah but what are the cons . We could run out of news before then that would never happen. Have i got news for you . Catch the premiere again next On Cnn lets run it. Well, you already know i told yall to run that. Come on now download the app today. Enter 5 and get 50 instantly. Prize picks. Run your game. Growing old is part of the journey. Even when you have heart failure. But when he had shortness of breath, carpal tunnel syndrome, and lower Back Pain we wondered, could these be Warning Signs of something bigger Thank Goodness we called his cardiologist because these were signs of atcm a rare and serious disease that gets worse over time. If you see any of the Warning Signs, dont wait. Ask your cardiologist about Atcm Today bookstores i read that one. I read that one. I read that one. I didnt read that one. I didnt read that one. Can you get this . Because i left my Wallet Way in my back pocket. My pleasure. Because i earn unlimited 2 Cash Back wow, this is fascinating. Did you know whales and barnacles have a parasitic relationship . Oh, i know about parasitic relationships. Lets go barnacle. Off you go unlimited 2 Cash Back. The Wells Fargo active Cash Credit Card i love that my daughter still needs me, but sometimes i Cant Help due to burning and stabbing pain in my hands. So i use nervive nervive clinical dose of ala reduces Nerve Discomfort in as little too. I can feel the Winds Of Change thank you guys okay all right, new rules, new rule. Now that Taylor Swift has saved democracy by endorsing Kamala Harris, she has one more mission. Stop making Travis Kelce Dress like a douche dont own a cat, but i know what it smells like when they mark their turf since cats are so on everyones mind these days new rule the makers of tablet the app that tells you whether or not your cat is happy, have to answer one question. Doesnt that ruin the mystery plainly, that is the attraction of a cat if if you want a pet that goes apeshit you come home, we have that. Its called a dog people like that and some people like when you come home and your pet glances at you like a Stepford Wife and a loveless marriage, i guess were all different rule. Everyone must recognize that when we say never forget about something we always forget not only have we forgotten nine over 11, Ground Zero is now a Shopping Mall with a banana republic, Sephora And Jamba juice. But on the bright side to recap, the galleria at the World Trade Center one caliphate zero. College freshman whose ill get him back with this one. The College Freshman whos been complaining on reddit that his Dorm Mate sits in their room all Day Playing League Of Legends and so he hasnt been able to jerk off for two weeks. Must be told it gets better hi. Im Bill Maher with a message to College Freshmen with backed up sperm i know how hard it can be for you. Its your first time away from home your roommate barely speaks english weighted blanket your your Ritalin Prescription ran out and the from the river to the sea chants outside your window are keeping you up at night but hang in there. As nietzsche said, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger also, you know the shower right down the hall. Use that Dumbass Oj neural someone has to tell chad condit, who is State Senator Maria Alvarado Gil because he claims she forced him to perform Oral Sex on her while she was his boss, including once in her car and that left him herniated discs and a collapsed hip then im sorry, but this is the biggest humblebrag in history amongst us hasnt tapped out because they couldnt keep going but youre saying you stuck it out at the expense your spinal cord in order to in order to get your boss to the Finish Line good god, man, youre the greatest lover of all time and Employee Of The Month now that weve shown that its possible to begin a campaign for president just three months before the election lets always do that yeah voters dont Pay Attention until Labor Day. Well, then lets start the election on Labor Day and ended on Election Day war starts but ill get to that in a minute. But honestly, what sentient Person Couldnt cast their vote right now . Trump announced his run nearly two years ago. Did anyone say good, i need i need to hear more about this. Donald trump if he can support forcing a woman to choose whether to have an abortion in six weeks, we can choose whether or not to abort him in 12. A funny people for most things. We have zero Attention Span nearly half of tiktok users say watching videos that last over a minute is stressful states have no Waiting Period for a gun because if we order a pizza and its not there in 30 minutes, someone has to die if you order, if you order a Garden Gnome when youre drunk on amazon, its on your doorstep before you sober up we we have five minute car washes. Speed dating, 15 minute oil change, 20 minute facelifts, a 2005 survey found that vaginal sex typically lasts minutes. Because we fuck like we eat elections like were fucking on cocaine when was still hanging on to be the candidate, many of the pundits said that to switch him out this late would cause chaos. Yeah, that was never my position. And indeed, what happened was Kamala Harris said, oh, look, i guess its my turn. And the next day a grateful nation handed her 500 million. The only reason we stay stuck in permanent Campaign Mode is money its estimated this year that 16 Billion will be spent on political ads. Its time we admit that The Endless campaign exists only to enrich advertisers political consultants, and whats left of the News Media that were just getting to know kamala isnt bad. Its great. Great for her, great for the country people didnt used to get sick of the candidates because you barely ever saw them. Unless you happened to be standing at the Back End of a train but we never stop seeing them. The winner in modern elections comes down to who were less tired of theyre just constantly on us. Tv radio, the mail on our phones texting. Hey, bill Tim Walz here you up there. Everywhere. All the time. Jesus christ, Fuck Off let mommy put her purse down dont get it. Everything in the modern world moves so fast except politics its the one exception. Well politics and Streaming Series people are always telling me i should binge watch a show that gets good in season three. Season three. Every idea that would make one single decent movie is now a ten part series, and the middle three episodes are just the old cop with a Dark Secret and the lesbian cop with the Neck Tattoo saying, are you as confused as i am well confused why the hell do we still need a ridiculous 11 Week Period between Election And Inauguration it made sense in the old days when it took that long to get from illinois to washington by horse, but we have planes now we dont have to Strap William Howard taft to a Buckboard And Wheel his ass in from ohio we the intermission between Election And Inauguration as a transition period. Like thats good. And it makes us mature. Its not its a fetid swamp which Breeds Nothing but mischief. When other countries vote out their politicians, they throw their clothes right out on the front lawn within days, Bye Bye Loser you dont you dont get dont get three months to sit there and think about rioting. Where else in life does this ever happen where a person gets terminated and they just let you stay on for a couple of months . No when you get fired at google, you pack up your Cardboard Box with the sad plant and youre gone. That Day Minister and they take over in two weeks. The french hit it and quit it in three. Japans season lasts 12 days in england, their campaign is 25 working days, and the new Prime Minister moves into ten Downing Street within hours. In mexico, in the philippines, campaigns last 90 days in brazil, 45. And these are the laid back countries yeah, the ones where you ask Room Service for a bucket of ice and it comes as youre boarding the Flight Home and yet yet they all manage to wrap up an election in the same amount of time that it takes a 90 Day Fiance to say sure, ill fuck a Fat Guy for a Green Card if tlc can do 90 Day Fiance, we can do 90 Day Commander in chief yeah at this point i feel like melania in the bedroom. I just want to get whatever is going to happen over with all right, thats our show. Ill be at Taft Theatre in cincinnati, september 29th. The majestic in san antonio, october 12th, and Tulsa In tulsa, october 13th. I want to thank Kristen Soltis Anderson Al Franken and Alex Karp go watch overtime now on youtube thank you, Ladies And Gentlemen welcome to Have I Got News For You. Im your host, Steve Harvey this is the show im Roy Wood Jr this is a show where we look at the news of the week and ask questions like, what is a Comedy Show doing On Cnn in the news this week for the second week in a row, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is Number One at the box office, and fans on tiktok are recreating all their favorite dance moves Rfk Jr Has given us an update on his stalled campaign. Hey everybody a lot of people are asking me if they live in a Red State or a Blue State should they still be voting for me what about Swing States . The answer is easy. No thats the first thing hes ever said that made Sense Rfk could have locked down my vote six months ago if he had just told me to say no anyway, we got a game to play, so please join me in welcoming our captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black and lets meet our players on Ambers Team he literally wrote the book on how libertarian politics can fix whats wrong with america. I havent read the book, but i do respectfully disagree its matt Welch Michael you may know her from her emmy winning black lady sketch show