Thank you very much. Welcome to the oh man. Please. What a kind audience. Welcome to the nightly show. I am larry wilmore. These summer audiences, let me tell you. We can all be making out right now with these, if these cameras werent here. Guys, i have to start with this there is son unsettling news out of africa this week. No, no, no. Not president obama doing the african version of the chacha slide. No, no, no. It was this asshole killing a lion. A minnesota dentist facing death threats, threats after killing one of africas most famous lions. Wait, did you say the hunter because dentist . As if people needed another reason to be scared of them. Four out of five dentists recommend crest. I guess the fifth was too busy murdering lions to take the poll. All right well, you know maybe i am jumping to conclusion, maybe this wasnt murder maybe the lion was trying to attack him. Neighbor lion has a sore tooth. Maybe there was something stuck in its paw. Maybe there was a witch and a wardrobe sitch. I dont know. I am just saying, give me some more details. Conservationist say the wellknown lion was lured out of the park and shot with a bow and arrow and the next day he was killed, beheaded and then skinned. Larry this is disgusting. I mean, everything just kind of hurts right now. I wish there was some kind of novocain for my soul. Some soulvocaine, right . Which sounds like novocain for black people but it is really for everyone. Really. It is inclusive. Soulvocaine, it is like your collard greens. All right. So what was his justification . The dentist claims he didnt know the hunt was illegal, but now but now he could be wanting for poaching. Larry okay. So asshole dds didnt know it was illegal. Well lets review what happened. He flew to africa, spent 50,000 hiring a bunch of guys to get him a lion to kill then they lured cecil, zimbabwes most beloved creature out of a national preserve, shot him with a bow and arrow. Cecil runs away. He has got an arrow stuck in him for 40 hours. Then asshole dds catches up to him, shoots him with a gun, kills him, beheads him, skins him and then tried to hide cecils tracking device, which which in itself is challenging because it is a tracking device. And your issue is with the legality of these actions . Not the brutality . You know what . I am sorry. This is making me sick. Hold up guys. I think i am going to throw up in my mouth. All right. Thats better. Well, at least nothing can make this story worse. To make matters worse, now that he is dead, the next lion in the hierarchy will likely kill all of cecils cubs. Larry oh, my bleep . Not only did they kill mufasa but now simba and nala . Might die too . Now in the context of this, simba and nala are siblings but i do understand that in the film, they arent related or else that would give can you feel the love tonight gets a whole new meaning. This is a horrible story guys, here to talk more about this is the nightly show contributor mike yard. Mike, welcome to the show. [ cheers and applause ] larry i want to know, mike what do you think should be done to this dentist. I think his ass should be in jail, larry. There is a bigger issue here. White people have tooched goddamn time and money, man. I would probably agree with you, but just for the sake of our audience please elaborate. Do you know how much this dentist paid to kill poor cecil the lion . 50,000. That is absurd he could have saved a whole lot of money if he would have just spent it on what he really needed a penis enlargement. [ cheers and applause ] it is a simple fact. Larry so do you think this problem is widespread . Absolutely, larry. Earlier this year, a white person from texas paid 350,000 to kill an endangered black rhino. Larry wow really, that is terrible, why does it have to be a black rhino . Thats what i am saying. Thats what i am saying brother, i dont understand that. Larry exactly. If you can say one thing about rich white men they are always finding new ways to attack black stuff in africa people, oil, rhinos, they really want it all. Larry so what is your solution to this, mike . Well, larry i am here at this new nonprofit i just started, it is called the help rich white people use their time and money wisely. Larry oh, wow. Larry that actually sounds pretty ambitious. So what is your objective. Well, it is pretty selfexplanatory, rich white people come to us and we offer them ideas for how to spend their time and money in ways that dont ruin the world for everyone else. And the best part of this is that all the donations will come from rich white people. Larry wow. That actually sounds pretty good. So where does the money go . I havent figured that out yet. Larry oh. But i will be in charge of all the money until we find out how to properly allocate the funds. Larry okay. It will be safe i promise. Larry all right. Wait, wait wait, wait a minute, larry. This dentist hunter is my big score. I have been hunting him for years. Larry it is holly walker everyone. [ cheers and applause ] larry wait, holly you are hunting this guy . Oh yeah. Yeah. I have been tracking this dentist for quite some time. He is a big game hunter, i am a big game hunter, hunter. Larry why are you doing this . Do you have some kind of vendetta against him . No, it is not personal. It is the sport. Its for sport. And besides, it makes me feel like a big woman to kill a guy who feels like a big man because he killed a big lion. Larry wow. Pretty strong. Let me tell you. Let me show you. Dont i look great . Larry that is abhorrent. Listen, at the help rich white people use their time and money wisely fund we treat all of our rich white people humanely. Larry come on, mike, you just want to take their money. Hey, i am not taking anybodys money, larry. You are taking their lives. It is for sport larry, it is for sport. Rich better have my money larry mike and holly, everyone, we will be right back [ ch the mercedesbenz summer event is here. Now get the unmistakable thrill. And the incredible rush of the mercedesbenz youve always wanted. But you better get here fast. Yay, daddys here here you go, honey. Thank you. Because a good thing like this wont last forever. See your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c300 sport sedan. But hurry, offers end soon. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. Geico motorcycle great rates for great rides. Seriously . Youre not at all concerned . About what now . Oh, i dont know. The apocalypse . Were fine. I bundled renters with my Car Insurance through progressive for just six bucks more a month. Word. Theres looters running wild out there. Covered for theft. Okay. Thats a tidal wave of fire. Covered for fire. What, what . All right. Fine. Im gonna get something to eat. The boys kind of a drama queen. Just wait. Wheres my burrito . [ chuckles ] worst apocalypse ever. Protecting you till the end. Now, thats progressive. Thanks for calling angies list. How may i help you . I heard i could call angies list if i needed work done around my house at a fair price. You heard right, just tell us what you need done and well find a top rated provider to take care of it. So i could get a faulty light switch fixed . Yup or have a guy refinish my floors . Absolutely or send someone out to groom my pookie . Pookies what you call your . My dog. Yes, we can do that. Real help from real people. Come see what the new angies list can do for you. [ cheers and applause ] larry welcome back. Okay guys. Lets jump right into our next story, tom brady is still a cheater. The nfl has upheld the suspension of tom brady, and the commissioner says that brady, brady withheld evidence before meeting with the league. Larry uhhuh. Uhhuh. This is truly a day of vindication for the seattle seahawks. Taking our bleep and just to clarify i have nothing against to the region of new england. You gave us the superior of the two chowers. The respect. Uhhuh. I just dont like the pattern of cheating and lying by the patriots over the years and now when we investigators want to see if brady texted new england equipment staff about breaking league rules tom brady apparently went off and jumped into an episode of the wire. The only reason we know about the cellphones is there were 10,000 or so Text Messages in a four months after deflategate, as it were, and none of those Text Messages is retrievable from that device. Why . Because tom brady admits he destroyed it after investigators said they wanted to look at it. Larry do you have any idea how difficult it is to destroy a phone containing photos that have been texted to you by Gisele Bundchen . I accidentally took a picture of a pretty girl on an axe body spray poster eight years ago and i still keep that phone up and ready. There it is, right there. It is ready. Still, i feel the fat rolls in my neck. How damning the evidence must have been, think of it. This is such a bold lie. I mean, who in his right mind would destroy something just because you are done using it, right . It doesnt even make sense. It is crazy. Larry i am done using that glass, guys it doesnt even make sense. All right. In other football news oh here is an exciting story. But dont take my word for it, let the dramatic whooshes speak for themselves. Overnight the Arizona Cardinals are soaring into the history books, the team naming jen welter to its Training Camp and preseason coaching staff, believed to be the first female ever to hold a coaching position in the nfl dramatic whoosh . Larry jesus whoosh christ, thats like four dramatic whooshes in two sentences by comparison there were only three whooshes in the entire gettysburg address. That joke makes no sense at all but i appreciate you laughing at it. This is still very exciting. A female nfl coach. Who would have thought, right . Man. Okay. Oh. So what is her new title . Is she a head coach . Or maybe defensive coordinator, you know they often become head coaches after they coordinate defenses for a while. Jen welter will work with linebackers as an assistant coaching intern in Training Camp in the preseason. Larry okay. Thats good . Congratulations . Assistant coaching intern in Training Camp and the preseason . Well i suppose its a start. But i must say, nfl folks seems a little cynical. I mean this is a woman who played for 14 years in professional womens football, won gold medals and has a masters in sports psychology and you couldnt let her be a regular assistant coach . I mean seriously Jerry Sandusky was an assistant coach, right . Its not like you have to pass a rigorous background check or something. But jen welter isnt the only woman breaking through the nfls glass dome ceiling. She follows sara thomas who in april was hired as the leagues first full time female referee. Larry all right. Sara thomas [ cheers and applause ] larry yeah. Unbelievable. You know what . Good on you, nfl. I mean, you are still abysmal in the on the misogyny and Sexual Assault front but, you know, i guess you could say this is like gaining two yards with 98 more to go. Okay. Way to go, nfl. We will be right back. The mercedesbenz summer event is here. Now get the unmistakable thrill. And the incredible rush of the mercedesbenz youve always wanted. But you better get here fast. Yay, daddys here here you go, honey. Thank you. Because a good thing like this wont last forever. See your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c300 sport sedan. But hurry, offers end soon. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. This is an iphone. And it comes with something different. Ninetynine percent of people who have an iphone love their iphone. If its not an iphone, its not an iphone. Teds morning was not going well and when his battery light lit up it went from bad to worse. But a quick pit stop to autozone where they check that for free and ted and his car were back to peak performance. Get in the zone. Autozone. Its called the zone and well help get you there. Get in the zone. Autozone. Whoa what are you doing . Putting on a movie. Im trying to watch the game here. Look i need this right now ok . Come on i dont want to watch that. Too bad this is happening. Fine, what if i just put up the x1 sports app right here. Ah jeez its so close. He just loves her so much. Do it. Come on. Do it. Come on yes awww, yes that is what im talking about. Baby. Call and upgrade to get x1 today. Larry welcome back. I am here with by panel, comedian and show runner here at the nightly show, rory albanese. [ cheers and applause ] larry and returning to the show, writer and comedian baratunde thurston. [ cheers and applause ] larry and his new documentary call me lucky opens august 7th comedian and director bobcat goldthwait. Okay. Guys, we have got to talk about this hunting story. This thing is unbelievable. Of course it has been all over the news, the dentist from minnesota and all of that went to zimbabwe on a hunting trip, killed cecil the beloved lion everybody is talking about it. Does anybody think hunting is still okay . It feels like one of those things like boxing. I am all for actually, yes, i am all for hunters owning guns, because it increases the odds of two rednecks blowing each others heads off. That is fine. The dick cheney thing. I thought you were a dude. Yes, exactly it feels antiquated to me. But we still have in our president ial elections they have to do the gun photo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Larry thats all about hunting. It is not about you can use a gun because they are shown shooting something which is supposedly an animal, so it is hike we want our president ial candidates to be able to kill game, right . We missed something from our past as human beings, we dont really fight that much anymore, in this society we have lawyers now and it is a lot less exciting for people, and then you face 50yearold minnesota dentists, and that doesnt exactly imply rambo. Right . So he is acting out some kind of fantasy he can really not do in that chair. It is like badass and if you want to impress me, being a badass fly to africa and bleep a tiger. [ applause ] that would be incredible. Is that okay with you . Travelocity has great deals on that. I am not trying to when people are afraid of dentists somebody is not going to get their root canal because they are going to be afraid of this guy has a crossbow in the corner to mess with them. If you sit in the chair and you have a big moose looking at you or something, that is terrifying. I think too it depends on what you are hunting. Because it is a definite factor like you are hunting a lion and there is not that many left, like there should be an equation like if there is more people in an island than of the species you showlt be able to kill it. You know what i mean . Like and anything with a name i feel like yes. Like the new york you killed jerry it is like ask your parents about ben. All my jokes you have to get a delorean to get. Even the delorean joke get an almanac. You need a modern time machine. This audience wasnt even born when i was relevant. That was in the eighties. Larry we cover the whole spectrum here man. The one thing about hunting is a onesided sport most of the time and that is not a real sport most of the time, the lie if the lion had body armor, or if the hunter had to go naked with just a sharp bone, handtohand contact, that is not a bad idea. That is also just like, we are talking about sports, i would watch that every sunday, naked people a naked dentist against a lion with a bone. Maybe not nfl but i would watch that every sunday. Larry lets play a real quick game of hunt, eat or pet. Okay . Hunt this or you have got to eat it or it becomes a pet and lets use the republican president ial candidates. Bobcat, who are you going to hunt . It is pretty easy. I mean larry trump you have to hunt . Yeah yeah. You want to take him down . Yeah. Larry who are you going to eat . Again i am going to go with trump, after i target him. We are going to hunt him and then eat him. I just want him to go away. Larry and who is going to be the pet . Hmm. Okay. Think about it. Well, yeah, do you hunt trump . Like when you put a deer do you put out a salt lick. Do you put out gold and he comes over and smells it . I think i would hunt rick perry, because i feel like that challenge. He has some antihunting skills. Yeah like rick perry there is a story where he went jogging one time and saw a coyote and pulled out a gun and shot the coyote. Yes, which means before that dude goes jogging it is like which gun should i take . I mean that guy not a lot of people, he might kill you. You want to go mano a mano. Chris christie. [ cheers and applause ] last week, and i would say i could keep trump as a pet because they get bored i would hunt jeb bush, kill the dynasty situation. I would eat huckabee. Eat huckabee. Yes, southern butter ball. That is real good, that is real good. I think i like the huckabee. A lot of people dont realize that huckabee is premarinated. George pataki because nobody knows he is running for president. He is exotic. Like a bear. I just did more for George Patakis campaign than george pataki. Larry we will be right back if you live in th e new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to the nightly show, tapes monday through thursday, to receive details go to the nightlyshow. Com tickets. The mercedesbenz summer event is here. Now get the unmistakable thrill. And the incredible rush of the mercedesbenz youve always wanted. But you better get here fast. Yay, daddys here here you go, honey. Thank you. Because a good thing like this wont last forever. See your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c300 sport sedan. But hurry, offers end soon. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. Get ready to be obsessed. Sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. With no artificial flavors or colors. New from sweetarts. Wanna get roped in . Every coconut has a dream. To come out of its shell. To show all the world its true, inner beauty. And then, in an ironic twist get covered up by chocolate and almonds. Almond joy mounds. What every coconut wants. Tadaaa the nominees for best new artists are. Blue razz, chocolate strawbs and cinna roll and the winner is. belches blaaaaaaahhhh. Yeah. Tadaaa crazy good thats our show i want to thank our panelists, rory albanese, baratunde thurston, and bobcat goldthwait. [ cheers and applause ] larry join us tomorrow night when we have ed helms and big chris on the show. Good nightly, everyone. [typewriter clacking] [indistinct chatter] [laughter] [man] how long are the lessons anyway . Fortyfive . Thats 45 too many. I like five minute lessons
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