Its been hard for everyone and i know well get better as time heals all wounds weve got to do some of the things we wanted to do weve learned about ourselves and weve had fun, too when i think about the month weve had cant believe i did all those crazy things trevor anyway, were still going to be spending a lot more time inside our homes so heres your quarantine tip of the day. If youre homeschooling your kids and you feel stupid for not understanding their math homework, heres a trick make your kids teach your job to you, and youll realize your kids are way dumber than you are. On tonights episode america thinks dr. Fauci is sexy, we talk to lewis black about life in quarantine, and a look at the coronavirus conspiracy theories driving people crazy. So lets get into it welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancw7j t trevor all right, lets kick things off the way we always do in quarantine with our daily dose of sunshine. Although coronavirus is quickly becoming one of the worst periods in human history, every day, we learn how, for animals, this time is pure bliss. The pandas are smashing in china. The animals are partying at Yosemite National park and now the groundhogs are doing this. On lighter news, it seemed like groundhog day part two in pennsylvania. Check out this pizzaloving woodchuck in philadelphia. Unlike its usually shy counterpart punxsutawney phil, this one munching away at a cheese slice while staring down a dog on the other side of the window. The rodent now dubbed pizza groundhog to rival pizza rat here in new york city. Trevor wow, that groundhog is a legend. Did you see his face . Did you see him. Hes just eating that pizza right in their faces. Hes like if bugs bunny was even more of an asshole. And this makes you realize how different indoor animals and outdoor animals are. The groundhog is out there like oh, this . Yeah, i just eat pizza whenever i want. I guess you guys probably have to ask for pizza, like a little bitch. Well, at least you can still scratch your balls, though. Oh, i forgot your owner chopped them off. And you know hes not going to stop with dogs. You can see in those little groundhog eyes hes getting cocky. I bet next week hes going to be taunting us humans, just sitting outside our windows having brunch with all its friends. groundhog bottomless mimosas . Cant do that at home in other news, there is now a petition with over 15,000 signatures to make dr. Fauci People Magazines sexiest man alive. And this is why i love america. The man who is a sink, an academic, a public servant, and is out there keeping everyone healthy and everyone is like drop your pants and show us that ph. D. and i hope this happens, and not just for fauci, but for the whole country, because if theres one thing we know, donald trump only respects hot people. Its why ivanka is a president ial adviser but eric has to use the doggy door. Oh, and just by the way, People Magazine . You need to change your name to person magazine. Its called social distancing and speaking of leaders trying to make a difference emmanuel macron, president of france and guy in a gillette commercial who just finished shaving, is leading efforts to call a global truce on all wars during the coronavirus epidemic. Yeah. All wars stopped for coronavirus. And believe it or not, hes already gotten the u. K. s boris johnson, chinas president xi and president donald trump. Which is very impressive. This is the most french thing ever. macron mon ami, we dont need to fight. Lets put down or guns and make some sweet, sweet love . Haha just kidding. Unless. . All right, thats your ray of sunshine. Lets get right to the big story. With corona completely changing our lives there have been many questions we are forced to ask ourselves if Grocery Store workers and delivery people are essential workers, then shouldnt they earn a living wage . Should healthcare be tied to employment . Is it okay to have a romantic relationship with a house plant . Once we get out of this, and once this is all done, and we can finally leave the house again and tongue kiss our uber drivers, theres gonna be one question people want an answer to more than anything where in the hell did this virus come from . Because before the virus shut downtown world, people were happy. People were happy to accept the official explanation from china, which was that the virus originated at a live animal market, where it somehow jumped from a bat to a human. And we were look, okay, i think thats the plot of dark knight but well accept it. But now that all of us have been stuck in the house, with nothing to do except throw our cats birthday parties over zoom meow everyone at home has had time to come up with some theories about how they exactly think this thing went down. Now, ive been spending a lot of time online, and the most common Conspiracy Theory ive seen is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human the same way oreos jump from the packaging into my roommates howght. I know where theyre going, billy. I see you. And this is a theory many people were willing to accept because of racism. People are saying in china they eat all kinds of crazy things. Hell, i heard they eat cookies with a piece of paper inside. And i was ready to believe this pandemic could have started as a food thing because, look, man, ive been in situations when food starts a thing. I was on a flight once, where one person ate a tuna sandwich, but we all paid the price. So this story made sense, until it came out that those viral videos of people eating bat soup werent even filmed in china. And then we found out that viruses cant survive cooking anyway. So that was out the window. But then i heard about a different Conspiracy Theory that totally makes thence. It turns out crone afs not a virus. It was actually a weapon created to take old people out. If you go online, there is no shortage of conspiracy theories. Here is one. The virus was bioengineered in a lab by scientists to be used as a weapon or a form of population control. This is a theory former politician Bronwyn Bishop has also suggested. It is to get rid of nonproductive chinese in the chinese community. Therefore, in the words of George Bernard shaw, should be eliminated so they dont have to be fed. Roseanne barr is calling the Novel Coronavirus pandemic is a ploy to kill baby boomers. You know what it is, norm . I think theyre just trying to get rid of all my generation. Trevor now, this theory made complete sense who dies most from the virus . Old people. Who dies the most anyway . Old people. Bam its the perfect crime and think about it as soon as people started saying ok, boomer, all of a sudden we got coronavirus and old people are dying. That cant be a coincidence and you might be asking why would anyone want to take out all the old people . Well, i dont know, maybe its because someone was tired of giving up their seat on the bus, or maybe Restaurant Owners are tired of strog open for dinner at 3 00 p. M. Or maybe young people were just tired of getting their ass whooped at bingo. The point is the motive is there. Now i will admit, but as much as i wanted to believe that theory, i had to let it go because a team of scientists scientists with degrees and qualifications sequenced the genome of the coronavirus. They broke it down, and they found that, unlike every butt in miami, this virus definitely wasnt manmade. So, okay, fine. Maybe this wasnt a biological weapon designed to destroy the slot machine economy. But that wasnt my favorite theory anyway. Because theres one theory, one theory that actually makes the most sense, and it was this there is a Conspiracy Theory sweeping the globe that coronavirus is caused by 5g technology. The theory is that 5g damages the human immune system. All of us should know whats taking place right under our noses. What 5g actually does, it absorbs oxygen, and that is really important to note. 5g gets switched on and, people drop like flies, and all of an excuse we have a virus going on. Some people in the u. K. Bought into it so much, they started lighting cell phone towers on fire. 5g burning. Burning, burning, burning. Trevor yes burn those cell phone towers down weve gotta put an end to coronavirus, and all group chats i dont know who any of you people are, but i did not ask to be a part of this group notice i know some of you are sitting at home smug how does 5g cause a virus . Ill tell you how. Ask yourself this question what is 5g . Its a Superfast Network that runs through the air. You know what else goes through the air . Coronavirus . What else goes through the air . Superman. And what burger did i eat while watching the last superman movie . Five guys. Five guys. 5g. I rest my case. Now, im not gonna lie. There area a few coverage gaps in this 5g theory. Just a few, just a few things that make me doubt. For starters, every part of this theory is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible. Not to mention, coronavirus has also exploded in places where they dont even have 5g yet. So i havent figured that out yet. And, 5g, just like 4g and 3g before it, is broadcasting at such a low frequency, its too weak to do any damage to you. Yeah, so saying 5g makes you sick is sort of like saying your iphone flashlight gave you a sunburn. In fact, 5g broadcasts in the same range as a normal radio. Yeah, and lets be honest, the most dangerous thing we got from a radio wasnt a virus. It was mambo 5. And that only killed 6,000 people, top. So where did the corona virus come from . I dont know, but ill tell you this i dont care if these conspiracy theories have been debunked. Im not taking any chances. From now on, i will no longer be ordering the popeyes spicy bat sandwich, even though it is delicious. I also decided im not gonna get old. Its just too risky. And most importantly, ive stopped using cell phones. From now on. I only use a pager. And, yeah, i know that makes it harder to send nudes, but im going to do my best. And i know the alternative to all this is i could just wait for doctors and scientists to figure out where this virus came from, but i mean, come on man, im not crazy. All right, after the break, im gonna catch up with my good friend lewis black. So dont go away, well be right bat i mean back i mean black. Man, they got me already. Its that 5g. Chips ahoy wants me to announce their delicious new cookie with hersheys milk chocolate. So just imagine allll this. But with chunks of allll that. Can we get a visual . New chips ahoy cookies made with hersheys milk chocolate. [tv program] [sigh] [slurping sound] ahhh [splashing sounds] [sigh] is your money not sure what to do with itself . [alarm clock beeping] at ally, well help it save for the future, with our smart savings tools. For all things money you deserve an ally. Original crown molding, walk in closets. We do have a ratt problem. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. It does help us save. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. Round and round what comes around, goes around. For bundling made easy, go to geico. Com amanda nunes wears hers with pride. From standing up for herself against the doubters, to being the only woman in her mma training gym. Amanda refused to let stereotypes get in her way. Whether inside the octagon or out. Since 1925, weve proved that it doesnt matter where you come from, it matters what youre made of. Modelo. The official beer of ufc. It matters what youre made of. How do you gaveeno® happy 24 7 . With prebiotic oat. It hydrates and softens skin. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin healthy™ daily social distancing show. Earlier today, i caught up with my good friend lewis black to find out how hes been doing under the quarantine. Check it out. phone ringing. Trevor hey, lewis black. I wanted to call to see how youre doing. Oh, gee, thanks good to know im a fifthweek friend. Trevor wait, what . What are you talking about . I mean, i didnt expect you to check in on the first week. Thats for family and close friends. But the fifth week . even my proctologist called me in week three, and i havent had a functioning prostate in years oh, but i guess you wouldnt know anything about my prostrate, would you, trevor . You never ask, because im just a fifthweek friend trevor well, you know, what, lewis, i could say the same thing about you. You havent called me the entire month. Thats because i was too busy reading your book. Trevor oh, wow, im im flattered. Dont be i was just trying to see if there was something in your past that would have made me a fifthweek friend trevor lewis, i feel like you need to get over it. Im calling you now, right . I just wanted to see how you were doing during quarantine. Whats going on . Oh, just great, trevor, besides waiting for your call, i spend my days trying to remember what i didnt do that day. And as night draws nigh, i remember that i cant cook trevor okay, but if youre not cooking, buddy, then what are you doing . Im being productive. Just yesterday, i sat on my ass in the living room. Then i sat on my ass in the kitchen. And after that, i sat on my ass in the bedroom. Im doing a whole years worth of asssitting in one day this whole pandemic is a like reverse prison all the people doing the wrong thing are outside enjoying their freedom. Meanwhile, im stuck in solitary, drinking wine i made in my toilet. Trevor qupt, lewis, this is really popular online. I could seend you a sourdoubt starter. bleep your sourdo you starter im drinking my toilet wine trevor you know what, lewis, normally i would be worried, but i think this is something you have to go through on your own. Thats the beauty of this situation. Were learning that no matter what age you are, none of us know how to handle a pandemic. Young people dont know how to handle being alone middleaged people dont know how to homeschool their kids, and kids dont know how to shut the bleep up anyway, i gotta go. For a fifthweek friend, youre chewing my ear off. And i got another show to do. Trevor youve got another show. Are you doing standup shows over the internet . Even better i show perverts my feet for five dollars a minute. And its about to be morning in germany, and let me tell you they wake up horny over there. Trevor okay, well. Its Good Good Good news from you, lewis. I just wanted to call you and let you know that i cherish our friendship, and youre night fifthweek friend. Oh, yeah, sure. Talk to you in june guten mornen, herrs and fraus here come my tootsies trevor well, thank you so much, lewis. Im glad that you found a way to make a living. When we come back my guest will be Dallas Mavericks owner mark cuban who is a group of team owners and Business Leaders tapped by the white house to offer advice on how to reopen this economy. So you definitely want to stick around. Well be right back. Im gonna turn pop, techno, funk and country into rock zombies. Rock and roll [ gasping ] [ flatulence ] happy birthday . If we dont stop her, who will . We need to go undercover. Hey, only rock trolls are allowed here. Barracuda cool. Who wants to party . Without smiling. Nissan has been with you through thick and thin. And now is no different. Were offering Payment Options for current owners and our Service Departments are here to help. And for future owners, were offering no payments for 90 days on 14 models. This is help when you need it. At tmobile, we know that connection is more important than ever. So were making big moves to help those who need it most. Introducing tmobile connect. A prepaid plan to help keep america connected. Starting at just 15 a month, it gives flexibility for uncertain times. Visit tmobile. Com connect to learn more. You can also manage your account, and make payments online. Stay connected with tmobile connect. Daily social distancing show. Earlier today, i spoke with the Dallas Mavericks owner mark cuban about how to bring back the n. B. A. , and what its like working on president trumps Advisory Council for reopening the country. Welcome, mark, welcome to the the daily social distance show. This has been an interesting time in our lives, in history, because there has never been a period in time when the whole world is experiencing the exact same thing at the same time. For you personally, youre in a position where youre not only a human being dealing with this, but youre on the task force assigned by the president to figure out how the company reopens. How are you as a team figuring out when to reopen the country . I think the first step was getting people together that the president thought could contribute. You know, all the weve had is a basic call so far, and then well go from there. In terms of specifics, he gave us some people to put together and i put together a fivepage note of the things i think need to happen for Small Businesses in particular and ill see how they intend. Trevor you were one of the first team owners nonetheless n. B. A. To step up and say you were going to pay for the people not getting their salaries right now. A lot of people forget how many people earn money from a game taking place people selling hot dogs, cleaning the stadiums, providing security, transport to the games. Yup. Trevor when looking at that, what are you hoping you can do in the wake of the coronavirus . At some point, we assume sports will come back, but it may not kick off the way we think it will, right . Yeah, the goal, hopefully, is to, again, once its science is in place play wherever we can play because people need sports. We want something to cheer for. We want something to get excited about. You know, i think well get out there, play without fans, play to the tv cameras. And in terms of the bigger ecosystem, of course were going to have to keep taking care of our employees. In the past a lot of people would talk about trickledown economics. I think one of the lessons were going to learn from all this is its time for trickleup economics. Were only as strong as its base layer of all our employees, all the people who struggle and get paid hour by hour and dont know how much theyre going to get. If we dont take care of them, there is no economy and were learning that now. Trevor from the business side of things, youre going to be advising the president. And one of the biggest criticisms in this country is it seems like a lot of tax cuts, or even the relief proposed in this bill now being doled out, has been aimed at helping bilge businesses, and its going to help people who have a lot of money and those on the ground will continue to suffer. What would you proaps to the president , or what do you think needs to be gone d. N. A. From the government side to help Small Business and to help people who dont have large incomes . Well, i agree with you. Look, when you look at all the Interest Rates that have been cut and all the federal stimulus, thats effectively u. B. I. For rich people. The government is coming in and buying a lot of expensive assets that everyday people dont have access to. Theyre not getting support from. And so the things that ive recommended initially is to try to push and reward companies that offer equity in their company to their employees. Because the only way that you get away from living paycheck to paycheck is by having an asset that can appreciate, whether its a home, whether its stock in your company whatever it may be. The second thing is were going to have to raise the minimum wage, federally. You know, because right now, were coming to the realization, again, that weve got to have a Strong Foundation of people and a strong federal minimum wage is one of the first ways that we can do that. Trevor let me ask you this if you were giving advice to a Small Business right now, there are many Small Businesses who had to furlough workers. There are many Small Business woz had to fire workers. What would you suggest to people who dont want to fire anybody but also dont want to lose everything in trying to sustain their employees . Is there a balance . Is there something you think they can do . There are thing you can try. First you have to apply for all the loan for Small Business. The paycheck protection program, they will probably refund that. Theres the emergency loans from the s. B. A. Those are the basic things that you have to understand as an entrepreneur. You know, when we get through this, you know, lets call it america 2. 0, the reset. The people that work for you, the peep whose feet are on the ground talking to your customers, who are out in the communities, as much as they can be, theyre going to have better ideas than the bosses will have. You know, theyre going to be able to come up with ways to sustain your business. So im telling all my little companies, talk to your employees. Let them talk to your customers, because thats where the best sustainable ideas are going to come from. Trevor i feel like one side of you that not a lot of people think about often is the fact that youre a dad. Yeah. Trevor and now are you a father who is at home with his family. What has been the best and worst parts of being stuck inside with everyone that you dont always spend all this time with . So the best part is the forced family fun when it works a good movie night when we pick a movie that we all watch. You know, having dinner and sitting down and talking. The worst is just getting them out of bed, right. Just getting them to connect. Because they dont want to leave. But, wait, it just so happens you see this thing here . Thats a bubble soccer ball, right. And so im trying to figure out how to get this thing blown up because its enforced social distancing because you have these big bubble soccer balls and they can bang into each, blow off a lot of steam. We paeb the first professional sport on television if we do it right. Trevor thats hilarious. Mark, thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it. Stay safe and i hope youre right about america having a 2. 0 after this. I hope so, too, take scare and stay safe. Well, thats our show for tonight. Before we go if you are able to help people who are going hungry because of this pandemic please consider a donation to feeding america. Theyre supplying food to millions of people in america every single day, and they could use your help. Because even a dollar can help someone get a meal. Stay safe out there, wash your hands, and remember the only thing you need to get through this crisis is right here. Thats where i keep my weed. On the inside. Ill see you all next week. Now, here it is, your moment of zen. Were going to have hundreds of thousands of ventilators, and its a great thing to have. Yes in the back, please. Is anybody freezing . You know, its very cold out here. So we can leave early, right . Hey. Who are you faxing so early in the morning . Oh, um. [clicks tongue] kinda hard to explain. jim i dont have a ton of contact with the scranton branch, but before i left, i took a box of dwights stationery. So from time to time, i send dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. At 8 00 a. M. Today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, future dwight youll thank me later. [cheerful music] there she is. Jan levinson. Michael. First thing in the morning. I love to start my day with a hearty bowl of jan. Just call me levinson michael. In the morning baby michael. Yes. Im here to tell you that we are closing the scranton branch. I dont understand. The board voted last night to close your branch. On whoms authority . The boards. Wwhat . Im very sorry. Iipssh. I dont relish telling you this. Uh, youve been a big part of this company. And the board asked me to thank you for your years of service. Youre welcome. A small number of people will be transferred to the stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages. Am i a small number person or a severance package person . Well, we havent made final decisions about personnel yet. But youre a severance package person. [shudders] [crying] oh, my god. Oh, my god [muffled shouting] [muffled] no what are they talking about . I dont know. Is it serious . I dont know, kev. If you find out anything. You got it, buddy. Call me. You all right, michael . Do you want me to get you some water or a tissue . All right. [clears throat] you know what, i dont get it. I dont get it. Ont because our numbers arent that bad. Things are looking up. Its not all about numbers, michael. Well itsits about talent. Oh, you gotta josh . Our cfo believes that josh is going to play an Important Role josh. In our companys future. Oh, really . What role is that . Yes, really. King of the stupid universe . Okay. Ii think dont do this were finished. And i need to go we are not i would appreciate it if you would please use discretion until we get our ducks in a row. I know youre mad, but dont do this to me. I know i know i hurt you. But please do not do this to me. Dont hurt me like i hurt you. Jan. Jan. It is an outrage. Thatits theyre making a huge, huge mistake. Lets see josh replace these people