Good evening. It is a pleasurepl to welcome you here tonight please silence your cellphone no recording more photos allowed during the program. But cspan is here tonight so brush your hair you could be on tv. [laughter] sally quinn founder of the religious websites on a for the washingtonn post did has authored several books including the top party and happy endings. She is it in conversation with two good friends or also authors, elsa walsh the private and public struggles of three women and a staff writer at the new yorker in for the Washington Post for shee was a finalist for the of Pulitzer Prize for chrome associate editor of the Washington Post, bob woodard has worked there since a 19,711th 1973 with the97 coverage of watergate with Carl Bernstein hesse of coverage o for the 9 11 terrorist attack. He has authored or coauthored 18 books with the most recent is the last of the president s men. Please join me with a warm welcome sally quinn, bob woodard, elsa walsh. [applause] i get to start. In the spirit of a full disclosure we could denounce that we are married a long time in fact, salley introduced us. Right before the civil war. [laughter] 1981. Love at first sight. So touche describe that in we will talk about her book which i must confess is it is honest and the things that matter with your current we are where your spouse c so elsa walsh will do the questioning and i will interrupt. It is an honor to be here to talk to you about this book is a very fast read and it looks at your whole life with something that struck me that you write to my childhood experience with magic planted the seeds that grew into the faith that i have today. Day want to talk about that. Guest i am from the deep south in Savannah Georgia in spent all of my summer is is statesboro. And savannah it is midnight in the garden of good in the fall and when they were scottish presbyterian and to play the organ at the Presbyterian Church there were a juror nine kids there was another religion or faith or sets of beliefs for the occult so all of my family believed in the scottish stones and time travel and psychic phenomenon and tarot cards in hand fusco their virtues separate religions. To believe in god and jesus and i also had another belief that which i later came to learn and to be just asim legitimate that was rejected revisionist so i watched all of this happening when somebody died in the ghost would rattle jeans up and r down it is a huge southern mansion and the ghost was a drag chains up and down the hallway of the second floor into everybody wave power than theys would be scratching. And my angeles had a heart condition and had a dream one night about her mother and she city will be fine. She said how will i know you were telling me the truth . Susan will leave something as evidence and in the morningg there was her mothers shawl she was buried in. This is family lore. [laughter] and with my a hand to maggie. My mother and her sister, and then to say there was a terrible plane crash. And then with for lauderdale. End they said the plane went down with they dont know where it is bubbly and told them so they could rescue the people. And so these are the stories i grew up with with my own experience. And in my dormitoryry with a horrible feeling about another and something was terrible was happening there was one phone i went there and started calling. My fatherr was a general in the army and lived in fort myer virginia. We had ordered the delays that the house causally. There was no answer and i called and i called and no one answered. I would not let it go. Probably 50 of 100 times and finally somebody answered i said i was frantic, what has happened . Is my mother alrighty said know she is not actually. And said there has been an incident. I could hear another person come in the room for girl and said i will put on your mother she was crying and could not speak for pope she was is in the up bathtub and a gi living in the barracks had come over to enter the house went into the bathroom and went in to steal things which hee had done several times before saw her in the tub got scared and put it over her headed pressure under the water. And was drowning her. She was literally about to drown when d the phone started to ring and ring and ring and ring and ring and did not stop to finally he panicked because you got somebody would hear it so he let her go and rand of the house. And. So you were always the magic for the mystic. They found him. So this is always part of my life, and this magic that has gotten attention i learned how to do voodoo and i wasnt sure if i believed it but somewhere along the line i decided to put hacks is on people and i did it three times. I didnt know what i was doing or how to do i just wanted them to feel uncomfortable for the pain thatle i felt. Unfortunately they all died. [laughter] everybody always laughs. [laughter] to be clear they did not die right away. Some of them did. [laughter] everyone eventually die. One was one week later than one got fired right away then died in the other died shortly after. I did not believe was responsible for this. But then thought it was nonsense and completely a joke. But there was a little thing that said and did i really doea this . Said my brother who got his ph. D. In religion in chicago and he said deal one to do this anymore. Believe me. Cut it out there is a lot of threefold whenever bad energy you put a bag you get it backrg threefold. After a the third time by with so freaked out that i just stopped doing that and it was 35 years ago and i have never done it again never. I have always been very nice to you. But they are skeptical. But i cannot tell you how many skeptical friends i have been the last year that has begged me to put a hex on donald trump. [laughter] but not doing at. [applause]. There is the blood of vigor and that begins at is an unusual young age at the age of four and because when your father was in the military, World War Two, south korea you had interaction with a lot of death. So can you describe why this in paris said jay young maytag uturn from believing . My father was in the of military and in germany during World War Two he was at dachau and had the staffer take photographs of the dead bodies and made a scrap book that is now a Holocaust Museum and his head and i foundum it when i was for. And i said what is this . We didnt have television he explained about the nazis. How did god know about this and he said yes. How could you let this happen . God works in Mysterious Ways and we dont know why. I cried all night long u because the packages the heavies little jewish children and then what happened to them . So i the caveman atheist at the age i didntlthough know what that meant and i never told anybody that i stop say my prayers. I learned what the word meant when i was 13. And i was an atheist and started my website and the father was stationed in korea and i got very sick they never found out what was wrong with me at was psychosomatic tavis terrified he would be killed in the stars and stripes everyday. Gant bringing in the Wounded Soldiers who were kids. Also they would not allow me to see our parents because they thought it was disruptive they did not have enough staff so i saw limited soldiers that i did not get better so they transferred the back to a the General Hospital in san antonio they put us on a hospital plane full of Wounded Soldiers with nowe seats three rose five and the most severely wounded son had lost limbs and were badlyy burned they were dying and bleeding and calling for their mothers and beguine to die or not and the blood was everywhere. I kept thinking how could there be a god . These guys died then they zip them up in the bag. But then that was the most dramatic experience. Not in tel john mecham and a deeply profoundly christian rehabed day lunch he said you are not an atheist and i said yes i. M. And that is to negative to deny the existence and the word agnostic has never meant me by the riyal agnostics if you dont know any more it and iw do. So if you are going to be an atheist then go learn something about religion and he gave me a list of books to read which i did. Something was percolating so how can you being rea god if you dont believe in god . That is an interesting question. [laughter] then i had this idea to start the web site. Lets stop here for a moment. Use stops started the web site at the samee time your husband the editor of the Washington Post began to fail. And you did what many journalists do, you started that journalistic exploration of something more personal than you ever would relieve admit. Soha lets talk about that first. I will just say thats then developed dementia and he died three years ago that he was diagnosed, i never put that together but the year he was diagnosed with the year started a religion website and all of this light to reading and was doing then i thought you were not covering religion noty only from the political point of view and to go to don grey so why dont you start a religion with sites but the web site was in arlington nowhere near th post that nobody is perfect. [laughter] so i got mecham to be the moderator. Shortly after i started a trip around the world and one of the things that john and i, i wanted to do a panel and i knew for religious people. On a new martin marty and i knew period armstrong was a scholar and Archbishop Desmond tutu and i said will you be on the panel then i was golden because nobody would turn it down. Your friends did not understand and they still cannot believe it still nobody can understand how to start a religion website. We went to 13 countries and it was important for me to do that because they saw firsthand all of these different religions. And what i found out percolating was that beginning spirit to run the looking for meaning in my life to read the book and both had a powerful impact end then i was turning my wheels to do a little bit of that but i got so involved in religion and then to become of is spirituality b that i felt i was looking for something more in the stock to call myself a in an atheistkn. You were youre earning. Yes. With the old cliche of man or woman comes to god was there some of that . With that relationship you had been then to go online and on for decades so is there some kind of okay i will build that. So i did the unthinkable it that way we never discussed it again. And the older couple was a doctor who was diagnosed day hold hands then they start to make plans for the future that did that happen with us. He was master of denial. We just didnt talk about it going on is nothing had happened but i could sense that i was losing him and he did something to fill the void. I wouldnt call myself a seeker but i had moments of the transcendent and i started video interview people and always ask at the end what gives your life meaning . What is a sense of the divide . I dont know where i came up with that because that is nothing i ask myself. I was at a dinner party he turned to me and said the you havean faith . My web site was called on faith and i didnt know how to answer because i had not thought about it. I did have to start thinking and moments in my life when i just knew that their risk of being bigger than i t was. Not in god but i did believe in a creator. I could get my mind around there was nothing than there wast something that i accepted something bigger than i was bin i began to spend more time with him but his last two years i was literally his caretaker we had a housekeeper with bathhouse but if you get up in the middle of the night you dont know where you are finally he could not take a showeri and in teaching how to brush his teeth and i slept in bedli with him every night until he died. He would wander, i get lost, a psychotic episodes to destroy furniture. It was scary. But this is the most spiritual time in my entire life. I dont think i ever had a feeling because i felt truly needed and wanted and fulfilled. He used to be macho he did not like to be pushed around door for me telling him what to do. I would say you are the most henpecked million in washington. [laughter] but he allowed me to take care of him and love him the way that i wanted. He would say thank you for taking such good care of me. I felt the last two years was the happiest i have ever had with him in my life even those horrible as it was was, they gave me a sense of the filament and put me in touch with the divine in the way i never had before. During that period you this feeling because ben wanted you and me did you you always needed me and wanted me but not in that way. This is the meaning of life and what gives my life meaning. O and maya only child was born with heart defect and had heartwa surgery at three months old. And was severely learning disabled at a younger age. So i really had to take a leave of absence for almost 16 years because youre living at Childrens Hospital foremost of that time. Somebody once said to me were you resentful . I said no. Ii was a blissful and they kept thinking the career than i could have had but to me taking care of quinn was the most important thing i could do. So in the end it was clear to me when i was writing this book and i was asked how the atheist started a religion website, two years before he died i didnt have time to ride it. If all of my energy would go toward taking care of bin. To read three weeks after i just have got to write this story started writing abroad his decline and his staff i cried the whole time but because he was so charismatic i wanted to answer that but no way he was hidden the beginning spirit began to. Blunting the editorial to be his secretary that i totally was not qualified. I was 27. So it basically in to meet ben and i wasnt blown away. The next silicon said youre fired because youre overqualified for this job it if he if you check it with dead i did d not see that again and tell your in the house for two years later when he called me a lot of the blue to ask. You really could not hold a job. [laughter] i am like the millenials now. Jobs first. Ladies and liver failure to launch. [laughter] working as the puerto rico girl with Animal Husbandry exhibition and day gogo dancer pearl. How much of that video . Speaking everyone in steen,. [laughter] said belli and the two sleep with him or the rehearsal. So ill have my father for friday that get called back. [laughter] could is sniff in the attack but i had tried out for a purge and to try all for the lead here in washington and but then i got a call to say is similar to talk to do leopardi reporter i didnt said okay propose to me in it. How did you prepare for this interview . And look up his astrological sign. [laughter] i was i always big on astrology and still m. Bob was a taurus and so is quinn. He is say for go and i realized virgos dont like the artifice to emulate People Better straight and honest and later gave fed into europe. Anyway rehash of this and we are being this at 20 years older really get along well in show is something you havee written and he said nobody is perfect. I started iraqi lit but the successful for reporter in a sense this devilish that to which it and serious about the Washington Post. What is the key to be a party you work . We read vegas back in a corner when they go on is the they dont the probably is the hardest job even with the newspaper. In tv the first and another disaster but and a her friends made fun of her to say how could you be a Party Reporter now she is the bureau chief. But shes said to me it was the best training all love the things that i cover our official for pharao your out there and descenders in an congressman in militarys with the journals san the lobbyist. What i did every night i would get the guest list in the go to. And. So i would go in and i would be given if and then to ask questions so will be bombing vietnam . [laughter] but it was you could never get people to talk the way they do repartees then if youic had an appointment. So ultimately it and that the new political reporter doing profiles to the powerful people in washington. And it is in our form that was never were evident until the post why did that work in . Remember reading those profiles in the nixon i administration for instance. So now to understand who these people are,. But when i went to work at the Washington Post to starting the style section two months earlier. And it was revolutionary because it was for and about with nnt parties and that kind of thing. Into higher the hippies people were smoking pot to bring in half men and he wanted good writers. And a Police Reporter over 30 years on the mature desk and bill was gnarly smoking 12 packs a a day his desk was a mess with his sleeves rolled up he looks at me and says i will give you one bit of a vice. With new covered parties cover them the way you cover a crime. There is a victim in there is always the proper trader. [laughter] get was very good vice. When you cover parties are interviewing people you say there is. You know, that better. Bed did he realize you had to decide who the victim was . [laughter]. My father was a great leader and they both had the same quality of the incredible confidence and assurance in them so senator very courageous they were really strong and they cared about the people that were working for them. They wanted to get the best out of the people so they encourage the people who work for them to get to do their best work and complemented them on their best work the both very tough and demanding. My father was called buffalo bill also they had a great sense of humor he was an irishman then to have that quality that was very charming i never saw ben or revive of forever except he was afraid he would die. That is the only time and we got bin was going to die with her surgery. My father was afraid on his deathbed but thatha is the only two times i saw t them to breast or aid to worth. Various of level of optimism and get the story. We will give first and rate selecting a pastor with morals andnd ethics and values to do with that in their own way. I think people sense that about both of them and theyve made people not to want to follow them he said your husband is a fivestar general and his profession. That was the highest compliment he could give. To say washington is a spiritual, all about power . And that makes good people do bad the news dave powers structure that is a mean the people that live here are not values our morals or ethics. We see that all the time. This summer there is a young man running from congress in the he was so idealistic and they want to help people and come to washington and he was just over it flowing with optimism and idealism and after all long he will remain because so you have to make but then i find has soe often will make hutchinsons then that lying to a stewarts to burn every foe were zero will in one of the most insidious parches for politicians are the people who have to raise money i have had friends with your experience with him . But john was the senator from texas and Harvey Weinstein moments my fathers closest friend and said both louis i worked for him on the capitol hill and as a senior in high school i love the goldwater all the way through his life the thought he was one of the most wonderful people i have evere met and said he ended up living with my parents. So we would have dinner with them a lot. So we have a conversation and he said come up to the hill sent we will take you of this and that i worked on the hill very few so we made a date for a luncheon in the evening the secretary called to say he is tied up bin cannot do lunch. He was married of course, and then little shorts touched touching figures but then there was a nightclub and name to the espionage only the front door has a man with a cape over his eyes. And obviously upstairs there was a little parlor with the love say it was so dark so when the guy in there he started trying to hold my hand i said let me read your palm. I am a really good palm reader. [laughter] i am desperately read been settled down stairs, nested youu live from the hill and is hurt and then going back 100 Miles Per Hour to get me home we got to fort myer. He was strong. He doesnt look strong he was strong and have clearly done this before. We pulled up in front of my quarters and he jumped out to open the door and i was trying to put my clothes on. He was just like an animal. I jumped a up and ran inside the house that he was scared because he thought the general would come after him. Ed i went of stairs and i cried all night long taking a had done something i did not tell anybody for a couple of years. Nobody because i thought i brought this on myself in somehow that i had given him the idea that this is stepping up because after all so then i told them a couple years later in they were w upset but not as upset as they should have been. [laughter] and with the secretary of defense to think i cared use this but yes, somebody who could do this with the power and other episodes be made but they did tell a few friends after that. One day to fbi guys show up in say were here to talk about what and i said no way he will tell you about these things. Did i have said is purely coincidental. [laughter] i and i said did not tell and of course, it was not confidential and a whole life was ruined and i could have been indeed a helluva i did not know better. But it turned out one republican who voted against power and destroyed his passivity was nancy kassebaum. She said i heard sallys story and i thought im not going to vote for that guy. Anyway, thats in the book. I know we are supposed to open this up to some questions. When you write a book like this which you traveled long and hard, what did you learn about yourself . I started out writing these little episodes. Although i didnt know that is what i was doing but they were leading up to where i ended up being spiritually and in fact i had to go back after i finished writing the book and write what ive learned from those experiences but didnt know ethan certainly when i was experiencing them but didnt know when i was writing it until i got to the end of my book and then i began to realize that i was actually ive wouldnt say just that i was a very spiritual person and i have very strong beliefs that i believe in transcendence and i believe that we all can be in touch with the divine. I believe that love is the most important thing in our lives and it trumps everything. My husband was in a study at harvard called the grand study and they took four classes. They would write their marriages, their relationships, their jobs, their hope for all of that and most of them are dead now. George, who did the study, wrote a book several years ago and said i came to the conclusion after studying these guys are 80, 90 years he wasnt that old ben but theres only one thing that led to happiness for all of them and that was love. And that is one of the things i learned about myself, that love is the most important thing in my life, far more than my career and that is what gives my life meaning. I believe in mystery and that so many people are looking for happiness and going about it in the wrong way. Theres all these books about how to be happy in this project but i think that they are going about it in the wrong way because people look for happiness in order to find meaning when in fact we should look for meaning in our lives which would lead to being happy and that is ultimately i am a really happy person and even though i lost the love of my life and the hardest thing ive ever gone through is losing him, i feel like i am a happy person because i had him in my life and i had that love and i would certainly like to have it again but that is something that is such a gift i cant believe i was so lucky to have quinn and his love, so when i talk about magic and calling the box magic, its all of those little incidences of things i did all through my life that led to ultimately finding meaning by taking care of ben and what i call then finding magic. We went to the doctor and he asked them to leave the room with the nurse to be checked in and said im putting him in a scare and i said why . He said he is dying and i said but how do you know that ive been doing this a long time. We didnt tell ben he was a scare we just said the nurse is coming to check on him time to time. So that was two months before mike said four months but is only two months is he just drifted away and during that time, the last few days, during his life i felt i could feel them going and wanting to be with him and i could feel but i could feel something supporting me because i stayed in the bed with him predates. I held his hand the whole time and i never got out of bed except to go the bathroom and i would say ben, do not die now. Im going to the bathroom and dont die. So there was a moment, bob and also for the first time to come and see been before he drifted into unconsciousness and they came to the bedside and then was there and they walked up and i said ben, bob and elsa are bob woodward, he sat up and said yay. [laughter] i dont know where that came from but so they stayed for a few minutes and then been left and i could see his eyes drooped and i said to him i love you ben and he said me too, babe and then he closed his eyes and he never gained consciousness again but when i got up for the next two days to go the bathroom he would go like this because i had his hand in my handle time and keep his hand like that and like it came back. Our anniversary was october 20 and i said to him at this point he lost consciousness and i said you cannot die on our anniversary. You just cant. He waited until the 21st and then he died. During that time i felt so embraced and so full of love and i mean, i just felt like i was levitating. First i felt terribly sad and i felt full of grease in some way but i also felt truly loved and i said in the book there was god in that room last night and at night when he died and i dont know what i mean by god and when ive interviewed people of years of always said what is got to you and everyone has a different idea and god was love but then i felt like god or something bigger that help me get through his death. Questions. The moment. [inaudible] he always seemed like he had a joke upon his lips. He always had a great sense of humor and was that at home. He left a lot and was very funny. We had a fabulous time together and we had a fabulous tell them what you said the night, the week before he died when you pick him up the shower. Can i tell them that . This will be on cspan i took him up for a shower and i had to get in the shower with him and nine because he would fall and slip and didnt know what to do and so i got him washed off and out of the shower and i was drying him on and i accidentally hit his private part and he looked at me and since i was going and he said out and i said oh, im so sorry and he said listen, if you hit my balls one more time this party is over. [laughter] i will never forget that. He never never forgot who i was and he always knew i was until the very end and who quinn was and all of the people who were close to him. That was a blessing. I cant tell you how lucky i was because people with dementia and so many of them drift away but i met ben was always there until the end. One more, to more. [inaudible] on the trip around the world i saw a lot of different religions and what i did was cherry pick what i liked about each religion because there was something about each religion, each base that appealed to me and there were some things that i really cannot stand about it. One of the things i did not like was the role that women play in religion and organized religion. Particularly there were rituals that i really loved and i do find, although the chanting and the prayers that gives things people a sense of being transcendent. Bens funeral was at National Cathedral and there were 3000 people there, bob spoke and i think it was one of the most transcendent moment ive ever had. It was high church and it was all the beautiful hymns and National Cathedral is gorgeous with those beautiful sunlight streaming in through the window and i go to young for in the synagogue every year and i will occasionally go to a mosque or go to rituals of other faiths and i like certain things about other faiths and i dont like the rigidity of them. I dont believe a lot of the words and i dont believe for instance that jesus is the son of god. I think jesus is a great profit. I think that is an incredible story but talking about magic if you believe all religion is magic the way i do then you look at the stories are organized or jesus walking on water or jesus rising from the dead or whatever or mohammed going up to the sky on a silver horse and you look at all of us things and you say those are peoples ways of getting into the night and those are the things they give people comfort and solace and that works for them than that is great. I have no problem with any religion as long as it doesnt hurt anybody. One more question. [inaudible] well, i told quinn when he was old enough to go to my parents and they were outraged that i was an atheist, at least my father was. They gave him his religious education and they use to read little bible stories to him all the time which i thought was fine. I want him to be exposed to as much as he possibly can. When he asked me about it i said to him i found it hard to believe in god but i said i feel that people are lucky if they can because they get a great deal of comfort out of their faith. If you can and that is great and if you cant thats also fine. I interviewed him for my website about ten years ago and i asked him what he believed and he said he believed in god and he made them feel safe and secure to know there was someone up there who loved him and cared about him. I said do you think that i did the wrong thing by telling you that i was an atheist and he said no, i think is great because he told you the truth and you tell me what you believe and you also told me he wanted me to find my own faith and find my own faith and that was the greatest gift you could give me. Okay are being sally, when you interviewed not too long ago you were asked what you would want on your epitaph and you said you would call me back in a couple weeks and you can tell me and he said no, no, i know right now. Yeah, et cetera my epitaph or on my gravestone i would like it to read good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend and the guy said well, thats the fastest everyone has come up with anything. I never thought about it before and most people talk about their careers or Something Like that but about a couple of weeks ago i decided i change my mind. [laughter] i decided i wanted my epitaph to read she was never boring. [laughter] that is true spirit that is true. Thank you very much. [applause] [inaudible conversations] [silence bracket good morning, everyone, thank you for coming and welcome to the 29th southern festival of books. It is my pleasure to have the opportunity to introduce jonathan eig