Our president donald jumanji trump said something on friday that might top off all the things he said. The best words, stable genius, covfefe, all of them may pale compared to what he shared on friday at the white houses Small Business round table event. We have a situation where were looking very strongly at sinks and showers. And other elements of bathrooms. [ laughter ] where you turn the faucet on and in areas where theres tremendous amounts of water where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it. And you dont get any water. You turn on the faucet and you dont get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out. Its dripping out very quietly dripping out. [ laughter ] people are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times as opposed to once. [ laughter ] jimmy 15 times . What are you eating . [ laughter ] the only time you flush a toilet 15 times is if the d. E. A. Is banging on your door and you have a kilo of cocaine up you. Thats not normal. He instructed the head of the epa to look into this. Can you imagine . Youre the head of the Environmental Protection agency. You get a call from the president complaining about the water pressure in his toilet. This is like if he called the department of agriculture to have them replace a divot on his golf course. Its nuts. But apparently this is a big issue for antiregulation conservatives, and trump is embracing it. He even has a new campaign slogan. Drain the toilet. [ laughter ] which now that the swamp is empty why not . I think its important for us to remember we may never see anything like this ever again. But the president spent much of the weekend this weekend draining his cell phone. He tweeted 105 times yesterday. Thats more than he flushed this weekend. Okay . [ laughter ] he tweeted, he retweeted, and he retweeted himself. I almost feel bad for his supporters. They had to spend the whole day tapping like, like, like, like, like. And not only did he retweet, he reretweeted this piece of work. This photograph of his head on Sylvester Stallones body. Do you think he knows that isnt him . Do you think maybe hes so out of it he thinks he posed for this picture . [ laughter ] trumps week is off to a rocky start too. There was more testimony in the house today as we heard from lawyers for the left and right who laid out their arguments for and against impeachment. The attorney for the republicans, this guy steve castor, he was the sadlooking gentleman from the hearings a couple weeks ago. He showed up. Is it a good sign when your lawyers briefcase is a grocery sack . [ laughter ] i was hoping it was full of he had notebooks in there and a lot of incriminating kale chips. Republicans tried to muck things up from the getgo. They stopped the chairman of the House Judiciary Committee jerry nadler a thousand times. The first time within seconds of his opening remarks. The House Committee on the judiciary will come to order. Without objection the chairs authorized to declare recesses of the committee object. Objection noted. Jimmy were off to a flying stop. Thats how the whole thing went. The republicans they dont really have a defense. The plan is to lay down as many speed bumps as possible. The strategy was to run out the clock with point of order after point of order. Point of order. You made a ruling on the point of order. You made a ruling on the point of order, mr. Chairman. The gentleman from georgia point of order. Point of order. Mr. Chairman, you have to recognize the gentleman will state his point of order. Mr. Chairman, my point of order is this. In the previous point of order you ruled against his point of order. Will you let him finish his point of order, please . Make his point of order. My point of order is that you were out of order in your ruling. I made a point of order and you wont rule on it. I have not heard a point of order. Chairman, point of order. State your point of order. The point of order is this. That is a point of order. That is not a point of order. That is not a point of order. The committee is in order. Well, would you rule on my original point of order . That is not a point of order. It is a point of order. Its not a point of order. [ speaking simultaneously ] point of order. Point of order. Thats my point of order. He should not be up here. Its not a point of order. [ laughter ] jimmy this whole court is point of order it was quite a day today. And with all this acrimony going back and forth between the parties the white house shockingly reached a deal with house democrats. It has nothing to do with impeachment. Thats happening. The deal is that trump will get to create his space force and in exchange the democrats get new parental leave benefits for federal workers. Its exciting. Now federal employees will be able to spend 12 weeks with their newborn children before they are shot into outer space. [ laughter ] or i dont know how it works exactly. This must have been a tough negotiation for mike pence because on the one hand he desperately wants to be our Space Commander but on the other hand he gets a panic attack anytime anyone mentions female reproduction. [ laughter ] but its a rare sign of cooperation between parties. And believe it or not, donald trump supports paid family leave. You know, he paid marla and ivana to leave the family. [ laughter ] meanwhile, the president s lawyer, rudy giuliani, has been prepping his own case in ukraine. Hes been there. Trump says he plans to deliver a report based on new information he uncovered there last week. Giuliani has extensive ties to the region, both through his legal work and his extended family in nearby transylvania. [ laughter ] and now all they have to do is figure out how to ship his coffin home and look out. [ laughter ] we have a new Miss Universe. I dont know if you heard. Miss south africa was named Miss Universe last night. [ applause ] i think were all excited about it. The show was on fox last night. And you remember a few years ago steve harvey announced the wrong winner of Miss Universe . Well, the sequel to that is here. All the contestants competed in a National Costume contest. Heres a look at the winner, philippines. This is it right here. I thought i had on something fly. But girl, you just whoo. Cake and oranges and potato chips. This is a lot. Can i Say Something . Yes. Its not philippines. Its malaysia. Okay. Well, let me explain something to you. I just read that in the teleprompter. Yall going to quit doing this to me. I can read. It said now theyre trying to fix it now. See, this is what they did to me back in 2015. Played me short like that. This is malaysia. I really love this National Costume of malaysia. Jimmy wow. Seems pretty clear to me that someone at the Miss Universe pageant is trying to destroy steve harvey. [ laughter ] and thats what the fbi should be looking into this is something for those of you who have Young Children at home like i do. Are you familiar with the baby yoda from the mandalorian . Its a very cute and popular character. But according to disney, which owns star wars, baby yoda toys will not be available for christmas. They didnt want to make the toys because they didnt want to spoil the reveal of the character. And now its too late. Christmas is now ruined. But if you want a baby yoda for your kid or for your adult nerd, help is on the way. Here is a simple way anyone with a few basic items can make their own little yoda at home. [ microwave running ] [ electricity crackling ] [ laughter ] jimmy isnt that great . [ applause ] were problem solvers around here. I have some exciting news. I got waxed. Starting tomorrow, a wax figure of me will be on display at Madame Tussauds hollywood. Thank you very much. Thank you. [ applause ] they have something called the Jimmy Kimmel Live experience. We decided to have jimmy kimmel experience here too at our show. We brought wax me into our office and we put it in strange places around the building to surprise my coworkers with special emphasis on my cousin mickey. So please watch. Oh, god. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Oh, [ bleep ]. Oh, my god. What the hell . That scared the hell out of me. Oh, my god. [ bleep ] oh, my god. Oh, my god. Its taunting us. [ bleep ]. Geez oh, my god i love him, but he keeps scaring me. It is so insane. Thats so cute. Oh, my god. Oh, my god this guy keeps scaring me. Oh, my god. Im going to get a heart attack. [ screaming ] jimmy im just going to stand here. So whatever happens. Geez oh, my god. Oh, my god god. You guys are crazy. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You guys are nuts. Its so bizarre. It is so crazy. Okay. Come on, jimmy. [ screaming ] [ cheers and applause ] [ screaming ] oh, my god. That is so stop it jimmy did you know it was me every time . We dont even have a wax figure. What . [ laughter ] are you serious . Jimmy no. Im sorry. We had to do it. Jimmy oh, wow. Look at mickey and her friend. Sorry, mick. Are you guys getting to know each other . What . Jimmy never mind. I hope you have many wonderful conversations together. Thank you. Thank you. Jimmy thats my cousin mickey, everybody. Hey, weve got a good show tonight. We have music from allen stone. Michelle wolf is here. And well be right back with jack black. Dicky abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by samsung. Brought to you by sprint. paul its true, trade in an iphone 6s or newer in any condition and youll get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month when you switch to sprint. sprintern yeah, an iphone 6s for an iphone 11. Or trade in your beloved iphone 7, trusty iphone 8, amazing iphone x. paul . Take them all to 11. sprintern see, i told you, magic. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. A more secure diaper closure. There were babies involved. And they werent saying much. Thats what we do at 3m, we listen to people, even those who dont have a voice. We are people helping people. Hurry in for up to seventy five percent off storewide. Who dont have a voice. And one day only, this thursday, all jeans are fifty percent off only at old navy your happy place. Find your breaking point. Then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients so you can emerge your best, with emergenc. only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. You know when you go to ross for a few gifts and realize. Oh yeah you shouldve gotten a cart . Thats yes for less. Get gifts for everyone on your list and save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. And youre not sure wholl be more excited. You. Oh, yeah. Or them . Ahhhhhh thats yes for less. Be a rock star this season and save big on gifts theyre gonna love. At ross. Yes for less. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks for coming back. Tonight, she has a new netflix special called Michelle Wolf joke show. Michelle wolf is here. With us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] then, this is his album. Building balance. Allen stone from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Allen is great. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow, Dwayne Johnson will be here, yahya abdulmateen ii and music from she and him. And later this week, kevin hart, awkwafina, julia fox, paul walter hauser, plus music from finneas and mark ronson with anderson paak. So join us for that. One more thing. In case you did not know, i wrote and illustrated a childrens book. Its called the serious goose. This is the book. All the money that i make from it goes to Childrens Hospital in l. A. And Childrens Hospitals across the united states. [ cheers and applause ] you can buy it anywhere they have books. Not anywhere, but or you can go to seriousgoose. Com. Theseriousgoose. Com. To get a copy signed by yours truly, which is my code name for me. Did you buy a copy of the book, guillermo . Guillermo yeah, i bought three at target. Jimmy and you paid for them yourself . Guillermo yes. Jimmy erin, is that true . Did he pay for them . Yes. Jimmy are you lying . Okay. Well, gracias, guillermo. Guillermo youre welcome. Youre the best. Jimmy there will be further investigation later. [ laughter ] no one acts, rocks, or loves harder than our first guest tonight. Hes a grammywinning half of tenacious d and dedicates his days to theater. Movie theater. Jumanji the next level opens in theaters friday. Please say hello to jack black. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. Amazing. Really amazing. Thank you. Jimmy do you know what . Weve been on for a long time and consistently no one makes a better entrance than you do. No one. Its not even close. I feel like every time i set the bar a tiny bit higher. Theres a lot of pressure now for myself. I cant just walk out here anymore. Im always like, what am i going to do . Jimmy you want me to clean those glasses . They look a little steamed up. Yeah, a little steamy. If youve got a shamwow. My thing is im back there and i was like all i know is ive got to get a spinaroo in there. [ laughter ] so mission accomp. Spinaroo achieved. Jimmy these look like theyve been wiped down with a chicken cutlet. [ laughter ] all right. Thats the best i can do. Im sorry. I dont have any spray. Its good to see you. Theyve got their own chair. Jimmy everything all right . I know youve been all over the world, right . Traveling. Yeah. Jimmy promoting this movie. Jumanji the next level. Its one of those big movies. Youve got to go around the world to promote. So we hit berlin. We hit london. We hit gay paris. And theyre big premieres. Each city has their own like big shamwow. [ laughter ] and you know, you do the premiere. You do the red carpet. And then you introduce the movie. At the premyay. And i thought what can i do to make an impression . And i was thinking of all the great like premyay moments. And the best one is jlaw. Jennifer lawrence at the oscars. Remember when she was walking up the stairs to accept her oscar and she like tripped and fell. Jimmy yeah. And america just fell in love with her. Even though its like youre a klutz. You look like an idiot. The opposite happened. People loved her ten times more. So then at all the premyays ive just been tripping up the stairs on purpose but it looks real. And then the french are like, oh, jack black, we love him more [ laughter ] [ applause ] and to be honest thank you. Jimmy they like that stuff a lot. And i was thinking i wanted to do it here, to enter with a big fall. But then i thought, maybe thats too would you be okay if we redid my entrance . Jimmy absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i want america to fall in love with me. Jimmy sure. So you want me to just so ill just introduce you as if okay. All right. All right. Well, listen, it was so good. Why not do it again . I hope jack survives this one. Jumanji the next level opens in theaters friday. Please say hello to jack black, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. Are you all right . Im okay. Thats just the first time ive ever fallen. [ laughter ] but im okay. Im just happy to be here. And i want to thank the academy. Im going to put my things over there. Anyways, thank you. Jimmy we might have our first onair death. Are you okay . Ive never gotten this much cardio at the top of a show. [ laughter ] jimmy all right. Well, this is great. Its great you have to im going to unbutton one just to let out the steam. Shhh. Jimmy by the way, speaking of entrances, i want to say i know you turned 50 a couple of months ago. I did. [ applause ] jimmy you had a big party at largo. Well, not really. I dont like to party. I dont like to have a party for myself. I always feel like weird being the center. I know its weird. Its my gig is being the center of attention. But not at my birthday party. I like to go to other peoples parties. But i wanted to do a birthday concert because i feel more comfortae when im up on stage, you know, putting on a show. Thats like the best way to celebrate my time. If its my day, i want to put on a show. So yeah, my buddy jimmy yes. Largo, which is a great place to go. Best theater in los angeles. Jimmy it is a great theater. And you took it very you actually celebrated quite literally. Do you mind if we show this . Id love it if you showed it. Jimmy tell us whats happening here on your birthday. So thats me. For my big entrance i wanted to recreate my original entranc p. And everybody comes into the world the same way. Through their mothers reproductive canal. Jimmy right. So my wife made this jimmy your wife made this . Vulva. This gigantic vulva to enter through. Its actually how i was born. My butt came first and then my doctor put it back and put my foot next and they pulled me out by the feet. Jimmy and you hopped out of your mother. Yeah. And i had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. [ applause ] jimmy wow. What a beautiful was your family there to see that . Once again it was just very important that i had the right entrance. And if it was my birthday show, and it was called the jack black experience because i didnt want people in the audience to know it was my birthday show. I thought what better way to start the jack black experience where i tell people the whole story of my life than to start at the beginning. Jimmy was your family there to see this, to witness this . Yep. Some of my family was there. My boys were there. My wife was there. They were all part of the show. Jimmy how did the boys like the entrance . The boys, i think they loved the show, but they might have been slightly traumatized. It wasnt really for kids. But [ laughter ] jimmy how old are they . They are now 11 and 13. Jimmy okay. But i think as long as theres creativity involved, i dont have a problem letting them jimmy not only that, you dont have to explain how babies are born anymore. You did it visually. Exactly. We can skip that lesson of the birds and the bees. Jimmy are they coming to the premiere with you . Oh, yeah. Theyre in the dressing room right now. With my dad, my stepmom, my sister, all in the house. Jimmy oh, wow. Where is your dad visiting from . My dad is visiting from tenasket, washington in washington state. Jimmy wow. Yeah. Its very exciting. Jimmy does he come to all your premieres . Hes not really been to any of the premieres. I think this is the first one. But this is one of those where its a big one and they dont come around that often anymore, you know, the big ones where its an event, a worldwide movie. Jimmy right. So he came down. Excited to have him here, share the its not a red carpet. Tonight its a blue carpet. Im going to bring him on the blue carpet. Very proud. Jimmy okay. Maybe your dad will make an entrance of some kind. Does your dad do that sort of thing . Maybe well both slip and fall on our butts. I like that thing your cousin did, cousin mickey, when she fell down. Jimmy that was quite a you see, the whole world fell in love with mickey the same way. I highly recommend it. [ applause ] jimmy jack black is here with us. Jumanji the next level is the movie. Well be right back. Save time this season with drive up at target. I feel love just pull up, tap the app, anget everything on your list. So quick, the kids wont even notice. Make your Holiday Shopping easy, and try drive up at target. makeawish child i got this for you. vo when you share the love, you change lives. Over twentytwo hundred wishes granted. More than fifty seven thousand pets supported. Over one hundred National Parks protected. Over two million meals provided. Through the subaru share the love event, subaru will have proudly donated over one hundred seventy Million Dollars to national and Hometown Charities over twelve years. shelter attendant thank you. grandfather thank you. senior thank you. makeawish child thank you. Switso you can download all gthe music you want. But theres more. With boost you get a fast nationwide network, so the beat never stops. But theres more. You also get 4 lines for 25 per line per month, plus 4 free phones. Switch to boost mobile and get 4 lines with unlimited gigs for 25 per line per month, plus 4 free Samsung Galaxy phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. Look out oh. Oh, lord. Bethany . No. Im what . No. No, no, no this cant be happening yes, im damn it the hell, man. Something went wrong. You think . Jimmy that is jack black in jumanji the next level. And you have taken it to the next level. I have. I got kevin harts role this time. I get to be fridge this time. Jimmy kevin will be here this week. Dwayne johnson will be here this week. Were you guys flying around together on a plane going everywhere . Separately. But together once we got to the destinaish. Jimmy gotcha. Yeah. Jimmy and it makes it a lot more fun to be with guys like that. You mean to be separate and then together . Jimmy as long as theres a together part. Speaking of fun first of all, with tenacious d you and kyle, you did like a world tour. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy how was that . And thank you, everyone else, for joining in with my peeps. Tenacious d. You know, thats the thats my pride and joy. Thats my baby. Love to go on tour with we got a rock opera, post apocalypto. Jimmy i love it. We toured all around the world. And we even stopped off in nashville and we got a call from jack white. Jimmy what . Yeah. Who has his headquarters there in nashville. And he was like hey, if youre coming through why dont you come by and record a Little Something at my home studio. And we were like, yes. We cant say no to that. Because hes a legend. Jimmy hes the greatest. I love jack white. Jimmy hes fantastic. But there also was terror. Like oh, no. Well, because you dont want to let jack white down. So were like what are we going to do . We cant just go record one of our old songs. Weve got to write a new song. So we wrote a song about how terrified we were to go rock for jack white. And its called dont blow it, cage. My partner in tenacious d, i affectionately call him cage. And we went and we blew doors down. And its available if you want to hear dont blow it, cage. Jimmy what is it like at the studio . He lives at the studios in his house, right . Yes. And if anyone gets a chance to go to jack whites house, jump on that opportunity. It was an experience. Jimmy but not right now. Wait till daytime. Yeah. Dont hop the fence. Youve got to get the invite. But the thing about his place, its like going to graceland. Its like every room has been like meticulously curated. Jimmy is that right . With magic and humor and weirdness. And while i was walking through he said, if you dont mind, just dont take any pictures or video. And i was like, this is killing me. This would be the best photos and videos. And i was likei think i know why, though. Hes creating a graceland. When he dies, then you will be allowed to go in and tour the museum of jack white. And then i immediately jimmy whats in there . Tell us something thats in there. Can you tell something thats in there . Literally every square inch of that place has a moment of magic. But my favorite might have been theres these two like taxidermy lions, huge powerful beasts, and in between them theres this gorgeous ornate like throne. And he said you can sit there. Thats where i go to read, between the lions. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and that is so its so corny. Its so cheesy. But its also so genius. And everywhere you look theres another situation like that. Jimmy thats pretty good, yeah. Well, its very good to see you. When is that going to come out, that record you made . Its out. Dont blow it, cage. Jimmy in that case, i love that record. [ laughter ] its one song. Its just one song. Jimmy well, i dont want to get in a fight with you. It was a beautiful entrance. Two beautiful entrances. Can you just cut out the first one and then cut out this part too . Jimmy yeah. Well cut the whole thing out. It will be as if you were never on the show tonight. [ laughter ] no, i jimmy jack black he was not here. His movies called jumanji the next level. It opens friday. Well be right back. [whispering] its switching time. How about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours . [bell rings] order up now were cooking. Or how about one with virus protection built in . Which. Would be helpful. Right. About. Now. Yeah, if you want all that, switch to chromebook. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ that will makeout washington insiders very uncomfortable term limits. You and i both know we need term limits, that congress shouldnt be a lifetime appointment. But members of congress, and the corporations whove bought our democracy hate term limits. Too bad. Im tom steyer and i approve this message because the only way we get universal healthcare, address Climate Change and make our economy more fair is to change business as usual in washington. You too, have a great day. Five years ago. I had psoriasis everywhere. Head to toe. People were afraid i was contagious. Alright, ill be back in one hour. My skin hurt. I felt gross. Whats up jay . Hows everything . Whats up man . Hope youve been practicing . But then i started cosentyx. And i havent really had to think about it. See me. Cosentyx works fast to give you clear skin that can last. Real people with psoriasis. Look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked. For tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections. And lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection. Or symptoms. If your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop. Or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine. Or plan to. Serious allergic reactions. May occur. I just look and feel better. See me. Ask your dermatologist if cosentyx could help you move past the pain of psoriasis. Hurry in for up to seventy five percent off storewide. And one day only, this thursday, all jeans are fifty percent off only at old navy dicky its time for the kimmel quiz. Which of these people is wearing crocs with socks . Hi. Im al. These are my crocs and my socks and they are beautiful. Merry crocmas. Dicky merry crocmas to you, too, alabama. paul americas best network. The best network is even better. The best deals on the best network. How can everyone be the best . Well, sprints doing things differently. Theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out, decide for yourself. Hurry in for exciting holiday deals and save your family money. Get both an unlimited plan and one of the newest phones included for just 35 a month. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com the first fdaapproved medication of its kind, tremfya® can help adults with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis uncover clearer skin that can last. Most patients who saw 90 clearer skin at 28 weeks stayed clearer through 48 weeks. In another study, the majority of tremfya® patients saw 90 clearer skin at 3 years. Tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms or if you had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Tremfya®. Uncover clearer skin that can last. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. Save time this season with drive up at target. I feel love just pull up, tap the app, and get everything on your list. So quick, the kids wont even notice. Make your Holiday Shopping easy, and try drive up at target. Ive slain your dreaded dragon. For saving the kingdom what doth thou desire . My lord . Hey good knight. Where are you going . Climbing up on Solsbury Hill grab your things, salutations. Coffee that is a cup above is always worth the quest. Nespresso. Tis all i desire. Did thou bring enough for the whole kingdom . George nespresso, what else . You cant fake the goodness the crunch of real almonds the taste of real raspberries we use real ingredients because you cant fake. Delicious special k buy a google pixel 4 phone and get a nest hub on us. And get a nest hub on us. Ius become just a littleyou part of your holiday. And we sincerely hope that jimmy dean sausage might make your holiday just a little bit brighter. Happy holiday to ya. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Still to come on the show, music from allen stone. If youre looking for something to watch on netflix, our next guests new standup special is 2 1 2 hours shorter than the irishman and a lot funnier too. Michelle wolf joke show is available now. Please say hello to Michelle Wolf. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i havent seen you in a very long time. Its been a little bit. Jimmy the last time you were about to do the white house correspondents dinner. Yes. The universally beloved correspondents dinner. Jimmy looking back, youre not really a political comedian. I think people think you might be because of that, right . Yeah, i think i mean, i can write jokes about anything. Like i do political jokes. I dont like doing them, but i can do them. Jimmy its not your thing. Not my thing. But like like right now we have a guy running for president whos gay, has butt in his last name, and is from south bend, indiana. And no ones making any jokes about that. [ laughter ] no ones saying anything about the gay butt mayor from south bend, indiana. Nothing along the lines of hes smart, detailoriented, some would even say a little anal. [ laughter ] those jokes have not and will not be made. Jimmy and probably for the best, yes . Progress. Were making progress. Jimmy dont you think it would liven things up to have a gay president . Oh, my god. A gay but i would want like a really gay president. [ laughter ] the one that comes out on the debate stage and hes like, youre fat, youre ugly, and hes gay. Im happy where we are as a society, though. I think this is a good place to be that were not making these jokes, but it has to be like i know it has to be a little mad about the timing of all of it, has to be monica lewinsky. Jimmy why . Were being so mature now. But we essentially called her a whore for 25 years. But comics, of course. Were terrible. But also like the news. Like anytime there was a story about ovals or offices or [ bleep ] stains, the news was just like, yeah, monica, yum, yum, yum, yum. Back to you, carl. That was, like, the weather. Jimmy yeah, it kind of was in a way. But were being so mature now. Jimmy we have grown up in a lot of ways. Weve been forced to. I think even mayor pete has to be a little surprised. Jimmy you do . Yeah. He has to be like no ones going to make any jokes . No ones going to say we dont even know where hes polling, it could be the top or the bottom. [ laughter ] jimmy you think hes saying that . You think theres a possibility . Probably after he discusses policies, he goes into, like, no. The more i think about it though the more im like, it feels like i dont like to pull this card often but it does feel a little bit sexist. Were going to make fun of monica. Were so immature when it came to monica. And now we have this man and were just being so mature about it. Jimmy mmhmm. Plus if he becomes president hell be well have the first first gentleman. Were going to have the first first gentleman before we have the first female president. For now the gays were not allowed to make fun of this guy. Theyre stealing our jobs. [ laughter ] forget about immigrants. Im worried about gay men. Theyre taking our jobs, theyre doing them better. [ laughter ] wedding planners, stylists. Every woman should just become a doula immediately. [ laughter ] jimmy i think thats part of his platform. Do you feel like after that event that you gained more fans or nonfans . Was it a positive gain or a negative for you . I definitely gained a ton of fans. But i also yeah, like a lot of people hate me for it. Jimmy yeah. Like i get trolled a lot. But im so bored with all the trolling. Like its all just so many people are like, oh, that carrot top looking and im like, yes. I know. I know i look like carrot top. I have mirrors. [ laughter ] every time i see a picture of carrot top, im like, i wasnt in las vegas. [ laughter ] if you do the amount of pullups that carrot top can do, yeah, i would love that. Id be like yeah, ill lift your car. Jimmy speaking of pullups and i didnt know this about you. You run just not just marathons but ultra marathons. Yes. Regular marathons are for the weak. [ laughter ] jimmy how many miles is this . Ultra marathon is technically anything over a marathon but theyre like anywhere from 50k, 100 mile, 200 mile. Jimmy 200 miles. Yeah. Jimmy how many miles have you run . Whats the most . I did a 50miler. Jimmy 50 miles. In one day. In one day. Jimmy thats crazy. [ applause ] thank you. Applaud me jimmy that sounds like a nightmare to me. Theres part of it that feels good and theres part where you want to die. And then you end and you think im never going to do that again and then you go, like a did i later youre like that wasnt too bad, i might do it again. Jimmy is it because you can tell people you did it . Or what is the reason . Is it for yourself . Yeah, part of it is you feel like youre better than other people. [ laughter ] i think thats one of the reasons people dont like when you talk about running. Because i think when i say i like to run, people hear oh, you think youre better than me . And i am, yeah. [ laughter ] youre lazy. Jimmy well, congratulations on your netflix special. Thank you. Jimmy it is on netflix. Its called Michelle Wolf joke show. It is available now. Michelle wolf, everybody. Well be right back with allen stone. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by the 2019 a class. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank jack black and Michelle Wolf. Apologies to matt damon. We ran out of time for him. Nightline is next, but first, this is his album, building balance. Here with the song brown eyed lover, allen stone [ cheers and applause ] ive got a brown eyed lover on the other side of town i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting shes got me upside tonguetied twisted all around i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting well i dont know i cant tell will this last or just come and go it came so fast and my feet feel cold but my mind is for sure and my heart remains oh shes got everything you want wardrobe bought at the thrift shop and all my friends adore her she reminds me of my mother she wonders how my day went and dont care about my paychecks well i dont wanna keep my baby waiting ive got a brown eyed lover on the other side of town i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting shes got me upside tonguetied twisted all around i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting oh let me think what if she finds a man whos got so much more time for her than me on his hands that dont make sense why would she wait so long just to run away oh shes got everything you want lets me pick the restaurant and all my friends adore her and i can still afford her she wishes id stop worrying about where my next paycheck is well i dont wanna keep my baby waiting ive got a brown eyed lover on the other side of town i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting shes got me upside tonguetied twisted all around i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting ive got a brown eyed lover on the other side of town i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting shes got me upside tonguetied twisted all around i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting i dont wanna keep her waiting waiting i dont want to keep her waiting [ cheers and applause ] two, three she gets me higher than a 747 hey turns me up to 11 man this must be heaven i never doubt her lovin for a second hey two to three babies and a wedding im spendin somethings coming all over me im obsessin head over feet you know life it aint always sunny days but right now i can feel no rain on me it would take so much hate for my smile to leave because i know the one i love she loves me she loves me she got me shootin like peyton in the 90s swish everythings exciting shes the wave that i am riding the thunder to my lightning hey shes the one and only cake that i am icing somethings coming all over me im obsessin head over feet you know life it aint always sunny days but right now i can feel no rain on me it would take so much hate for my smile to leave because i know the one i love, she loves me yeah, she loves me well, love, love, love she loves me love, love, love this is nightline. Tonight, forever family. The couple redefining what it means to raise a full house. Adopting nine foster kids, all at once for a family of 15. How long before you called mom and dad mom and dad . The second we got here. Not true. It was like the second day. Plus its a Beautiful Day in the neighborhood mr. Rogers revisited. A Beautiful Day in the neighborhood with your best friend, now on the big screen. Hello, neighbor. Now his wife, sitting down with the leading man. How do you think your husband pould have reacted by being