And when he says Something Like that, you know its true. And the president fired the crowd up sharing many tales of victories and he did that at the state of the union. On tuesday, i delivered my address on the state of the union. And i had somebody behind me, who was mumbling terribly, mumbling. Mumbling, wah, wah, ho, ha. Mumbling. Very distracting. Jimmy we did some digging, and we went through all the footage to figure out who was mumbling behind him, and i believe we found the culprit. Here, on this land, on this soil, on this continent. I love you, i love you, i love you. I love you. Jimmy its nice that they still have that spark after all this time together. As he often does, trump covered a wide range of subjects, including the time in 2017 when a man with a gun shot louisiana congressman steve scalise. Scalise was at the rally with trump. A very brave man. He took a bullet. He got shot. And he got up, he was going to die that night. I tell this story all the time. His wife, she was crying so much, when he finally did awake. I said one thing i learned, your wife loves you. Why do you say that . Because she was devastated. I know many wives who dont get too upset. Jimmy yeah, well, happy valentines day. Trump is mixing it up with Michael Bloomberg now, who, bloomberg was not on the ballot in iowa or new hampshire. Instead, he has like 15 commercials running on every show on every television channel. That appears to be working. According to a new national poll, bloomberg is in third place behind bernie and biden. But now he has a problem. A tape has emerged of a tape of him touting the stopndrisk policy. This is a thing that targeted young black men. This morning, trump tweeted, wow, bloomberg is a total racist, which is amazing, because a lot of people think the president might be racist himself. Trump quickly deleted the post which may have something to do with the fact that he himself is a big fan of stop and frisk. One of the things i would do is i would do stop and frisk. I think you have to. We did it in new york. It worked incredibly well. And you have to be proactive. In my opinion, i see whats going on here. I see whats going on in chicago. I think stop and frisk, in new york city, it was so incredible the way it worked. Jimmy oops. By the way, stop and frisk is also trumps policy back stage at his beauty pageants. Did you know . [ applause ] the president had a great deal to say last night. So we slowed him down to half speed for tonights poetry edition of drunk donald trump. Shut up silly woman. Said the reptile with the grin. You knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in. [cheers and applause] jimmy thats how he reads to his kids. Trump is absolutely drunk with power right now. His close friend and adviser, roger stone, in case you dont know, was found guilty, thats roger stone, found guilty of obstruction of justice, lying to congress, witness tampering and various fashionrelated crimes. So a sentence was recommended of up to nine years tor roger stone, and that did not please the president. So he tweeted, this is a horrible and very unfair situation. The real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. Cannot allow this miscarriage of justice, says the man who got away with the first impeachment trial in history that did not have witnesses. So trump tweeted that last night. And today we learn that the Justice Department suddenly decided to reduce their sentence request from nine years to something far less severe, which is appalling, even by trump standards and unheard of that he would somehow affect the sentence of his friend. Trump tweets, all of a sudden his attorney general is like, you know what . Instead of seven to nine years, why dont we make it no years. Wouldnt that be better . All four federal prosecutors who worked on the case resigned in protest. The president claims he had no idea. He says he stays out of things to a degree that people wouldnt believe. Well i think i would, he also says hes known roger stone for years, and hes a nice guy. Thats good enough. He seems like a, in fact, lets look at some of the stuff this very nice guy has posted. He once said joe biden has trouble keeping his hands off children. He said Eric Swalwell was the candidate from down syndrome and he wrote barbara bush was a meanspirited, selfentitled woman and i now understand why nancy reagan hated her so much. He seems lovely, i will agree with that. And i look forward to the other prisoners discovering the tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back. I tell you that for sure. Trump right now is totally [ applause ] hes, over the weekend, he removed that Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman from the National Security council and fired his brother who had nothing to do with anything, because vindman testified in front of the house. He fired the guy for obeying the law, and then trump said, adios to his now former ambassador to the eu, gordon sondland. This guy spent a Million Dollars to get fired by donald trump. Meat loaf did that for free. I think he even got paid. Sondland was a target for revenge, because his testimony clearly explained that the president did to ukraine exactly what the democrats said he did. Secretary perry, ambassador volker and i worked with mr. Rudy giuliani on ukraine matters at the express direction of the president of the united states. Jimmy so trump, of course, exacted his vengeance on sondland, and i want to see how gordons holding up. So we reached out to him, and he was kind enough to join us tonight. So i would like to say hello to former ambassador sondland. Thank you so much for your time, sir. [cheers and applause] thanks for having me jimmy can i ask you, why are you in an orange jump suit . Its not orange, jimmy. They call it president ial skin tone. Jimmy who calls it that . Where are you right now . Ill give you one guess. It rhymes with jeronimos gay. Jimmy oh, the president sent you to Guantanamo Bay . Why . Because hes very angry with me, matter than Joaquin Phoenix in a dairy farm. Jimmy im very sorry to hear that. How are you holding up down there in cuba, flight. Im okay, you know, its pretty hot here. Its hotter than the cauldron Kellyanne Conway uses to make potions. Jimmy make sure you drink plenty of water. Im drinking plenty, upside down through my nose. Jimmy youre being water boarded . Oh, its not that bad, like chugging a kiddie pool. With your face. Jimmy how are the conditions otherwise . This place is so filthy, the bedbugs have ringworm. Jimmy that does sound bad. Im sorry, hey, you know what one thing i wanted to ask, have you seen Lieutenant Colonel vindman and or his twin brother. Are they locked p there too . Oh, no, the president sent them on a corona virus cruise. Theres no room for them. Jimmy a coronavirus theres too many new detainees here. Jimmy who are the detainees . Mitt romneys grandkids. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy which ones . Which kids . All 300 of them, jimmy, the whole tabernacle choir. Jimmy oh, no. Yeah. Were squeezed in here, tighter than shaq in a bumper car. Jimmy well, theyre very cute, ill say that. This is donnie, this is marie, say howdy, everybody. Howdy, everybody. All right, go back to knocking on cell doors. Jimmy that is very unfortunate. Ooh, congratulations jimmy who is that youre congratulating . Meet my paula abdullah. He heats women, he hates gays, he hates foreigners. Jimmy why are you congratulating him . Because trump just gave him the medal of freedom. Jimmy i see. I see. It is a rush limbaugh. Jimmy yes, we got that. We got to go, jimmy, its taco tuesday. Jimmy thats fun. Not really. It means they roll us up in a carpet and beat us. With a bag of limes. Be gentle jimmy ill let them, thats gordon sondland, everybody. [cheers and applause] funny guy. Very funny guy. [cheers and applause] in happier news, Madison Square garden tonight had the 144th annual Westminster Kennel Club dog show, which i guess is fun for the people. But to me, the sad part of the show is that none of the winners are aware that theyre in a competition or even what a competition is. All they know is that their owners are lunatics, and anyway, out of all the many fine canines and their owners, this unlikely duo stole the show tonight. Thats right. [cheers and applause] the obedience training really paid off. Also in new york, tomorrow is the final day of fashion week. Fashion week has been going on in new york. This is one of the wildest and most unwearable clothes in the world go on parade. We wanted to have fun with that. We sent a crew to new york to ask fashionistas whether pete rose should be reinstated to Major League Baseball. We asked the models and designers in new york for fashion week about pete rose, and heres how that went. What are you wearing . Today im wearing msgm. My jewels are by swarovski and my jackets from asics. And should pete rose still be banned from Major League Baseball . I honestly am not a huge sports person. Do you think Major League Baseball should reinstate pete rose . What . Dont know anything about him. I dont know who that is. Youre here for fashion week. Yes. In light of the Houston Astros not really being punished for their sign stealing scandal, is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . Um, yeah, i would agree with that. Why . Well take your time. Um, well, i just think that a complex situation like this, different voices should be heard. Let me ask you this. Is it time to let pete rose back in the game . To let who . Is it time to let pete rose back into the game . Yes. Why do you feel that way . Um, sorry, i, can you ask me another question . Whats that . Can you ask me another question . Sure. Why is it time to let pete rose back in the game. [ laughter ] do you consider pete rose the vera wang of baseball . Yes. Why . Um, because i think the whole representation of who it is, you know, just defines it, so i think so. Pete rose . Yeah. Okay. Good luck pete rose. Just really good luck. Tell us your name, sir. George green. Where are you from . Brooklyn, new york. Are you here for fashion week . No, im just passing by for work. Has Badgley Mischka jumped the shark . Yes. I dont know what youre talking about. What do you love about fashion week, leo . What i love about fashion week, it makes people even more excited about their true selves. Fashion is always like a huge circle. The trends always come back. And when you think about consistentbility, its not only about thinking green but its beautiful how everything comes together. Is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . What is that . Rose baseball . What are you guys excited about . We absolutely love fashion week. This is our tenth season, and were headed to the Badgley Mischka show. Super excited to be dressed by the designers this year. Is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . Oh, my gosh, im from cincinnati, we do think it is time. Pete rose, we love you. Agree . Sure, what she said is it time for baseball to move on from tight pants . No. Jimmy pete, get on a plane immediately. We have a good show tonight, music from superm. David sedaris is here. And well be right back with amy poehler. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by jim beam. Uhoh. No wifi at your inlaws house . Its switching time. And now its netflix time. Watch netflix offline. Switch to chromebook. And my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. howling wind howling wind fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Curry. Cacciatori. Chhurri. Fried turkey. Blueberry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds cheese cake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. We are americas kitchen. Do we are americas kitchen. Great bag. Twins my bosss boss, has the same taste in bags. I got this italian leather beauty for way less at t. J. Maxx which is good business. I should tell her groans hmph. food grunting menacingly when the food you love doesnt love you back, stay smooth and fight heartburn fast with tums smoothies. Tum tumtum tum tums jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, he is a very funny writer and person, with a new online master class. The great David Sedaris is here. Then, they are the First Kpop Group to debut at number one on the billboard chart. This is their selftitled ep, superm from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, from American Idol katy perry, Lionel Richie and luke bryan will be here, lucy hale will join us, well have music from andy shauf. And on thursday, chris pratt, huey lewis, and music from sam hunt. So please join us for those shows, too. Our first guest is an emmy and goldenglobe winning person with a new animated show about a pubescent teenage boy, duncanville premieres sunday night on fox. Please say hello to amy poehler. [cheers and applause] jimmy how are you . Fine. Jimmy very good to see you. Thank you. Jimmy how are you doing . Im great. Jimmy i feel like i havent seen you in a long time. Someone said back stage its been like four years. Jimmy since you were on the show, ive seen you. Yeah, i went to college, i went back to school. Jimmy oh, you did, what did you study . Im a veterinarian now. Jimmy oh, great. That was your dream, wasnt it . Always wanted to help the animals. Jimmy you, everythings good . By the way, im so interested in this, im curious to ask you about it. Because typically, with award shows they will wait until like a couple months before the show and announce whos going to host the show. But it seemed like the golden globes, they were barely finished clapping and they said next year, tina and amy are going to host the show. Yeah, not sure why. [cheers and applause] jimmy did that build the pressure. Maybe . Jimmy gives you too long to think about it, doesnt it . To turn it into a diamond, i hope. Yeah, no, its a year away. Jimmy its a full year away. Its a full year away. So in about 11 and a half months, were going to start thinking about it. Jimmy you really cant start thinking about it too soon, can you . Nobodys made the movies yet. Jimmy yes, it is hard to make fun of things that dont exist. Are you the kind of person who says yes to something and then regrets it the whole time leading up to that thing . Yeah. I think im like you, which is, because youve done this many times where im like, all right, lets do it, and then i dread it. Jimmy uhhuh. I dread it, and i want to die. I want to go to sleep. Jimmy sleep is always the thing. Im a very fight or flight kind of thing. I get very tired and im like, maybe i should go to sleep instead of host this. Jimmy did you watch the oscars . I did, i loved parasite, so i thought bongs win was awesome. I like awards shows that are a little surprising, because i remembered growing up in the 70s and 80s with awards shows that were really shaggy, pretty sloppy. Jimmy it was different back then. The stars would just drive to the event. Jimmy yes. And theyd just show up in jeans and be like smoking and hear their name and go up there. Jimmy yeah, theyd put it out. Now theyre vaping instead of smoking. Im very nostalgic about the 70s and 80s. Jimmy me, too. And i wonder if theyre as great as i remember. What do you think about when you think about the 70s and 80s . I just think it was a better time. No seat belts. Your parents didnt watch you. Nobody babysat you. Jimmy right. You could just walk to the mall. And your neighbor would flash you, and it wasnt a big deal. You know, the good times. Jimmy did you have a neighbor, a flasher neighbor . We had one. Yeah. We didnt have a, you had one . Jimmy we grew up across the street from each other, yeah. You did . Were you the flasher neighbor . Jimmy no, no. But we did. Theres always one weird house. Jimmy at least one weird house. And if there isnt one on your street, then youre the house. Jimmy youre probably right. Thats a good way of looking at it. Yeah. Jimmy that was definitely, i wonder if its what were experiencing right now that makes us long for those days. Yeah. Jimmy or if they really were better. I feel like they were better. I feel like people wore jeans out more to event. Jimmy its all about dress code, really. It is. Jimmy what kind of kid were you . What kind of teenager were you . I wasnt, i wish i could say i was cool and rebellious. I was not. was kind of, i had a nice group of friends. And we, you know, we stuck to the rules. But we did like drink in the woods. Jimmy yeah. You know, stuff like that. But i was, i was petulant. I was a petulant kid. And i remember, there was a rule in my house that my dad would, id go to the mall all the time. Thats what i did. Jimmy mmhm. And my dad would pick me up from the mall, but you had to stay in the car. Like he wasnt allowed to come into the mall. Jimmy he wasnt allowed in the mall. Because he was too embarrassing. Then one time he came into the mall, and i just screamed at him, like what are you doing in the mall and got home and ran upstairs and my mom was like, bill, why did you go into the mall my poor parents. Jimmy sounds like your dad may have been getting the worst of it, though, yeah. So therefore, life was easy. That was, that was my big jimmy except for your dad, in which case it was hell, he couldnt even get a hot dog on a stick. Were going to take a break and talk about teenaged years. Your new show is called duncanville. Amy poehler is here, well be right back. 448,134 to be exac. They answered 410 questions in 8 categories about vehicle quality. And when they were done, chevy earned more j. D. Power quality awards across cars, trucks and suvs than any other brand over the last four years. So on behalf of chevrolet, i want to say thank you, real people. Youre welcome. Were gonna need a bigger room. This is gonna be americas favorite breakfast. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. You order a breakfast sandwich and thats when wendys makes it. Not weeks. Or months ago. Yeah. Get up and get to wendys. You up for this . For ralphies appointment. Whos his groomer . Carrie. Full groom for sure what . I just booked ralphies appointment online. That work . Wait you what . Its that easy download the app or book online at petsmart. Com shouldnt you pay less when now you can. Data . Because Xfinity Mobile gives you more flexible data. You can choose to share data between lines, mix with unlimited, or switch it up at any time. All on the most reliable wireless network. Which means you can save money without compromising on coverage. Get more flexible data, the most reliable network, and more savings. Plus, get 300 off when you buy a new Samsung Galaxy s20 ultra. Thats simple. Easy. Awesome. Call, click or visit a store today. brad in new homesotcom than any other website. How . By sniffing out more listings than anybody else. Release [indistinct chatter] woman 1 [in headphones] my lease is up on the first. I think he wants me to move in with him. woman 2 what . employee ive got a potential lead on a vacancy. woman 1 whats up with this dog . woman 2 is that your dog . brad good boy. woman 2 whats up with the cone . brad i told you this would work. Apartmentsdotcom. The most popular place to find a place. I cant wait to drive. By the time im done riding my bike to protests, i am too tired to march. [ laughter ] dial it down, dude. I got this. Who knows, maybe someday youll be able to give me a ride somewhere. Smash im coming to ask for your daughters hand in marriage. Well, that sounds why . He was going to say yes i couldnt take that chance. Youre so cool. Feel me up. With plez. Jimmy amy poehler, believe it or not, as duncan in duncanville. Its about duncan and his family, his friends who surround him. He thinks everythings lame and boring. He cant wait until he has his license and freedom. I play the voice of duncan and his mom, annie. Shes in Parking Enforcement and likes rules, and she likes duncan to get her a chair so she can climb on it and yell at him facetoface. Jimmy how do you settle on how you are going to approach the voice of a teenaged boy . You have to take all the words you usually say and reduce it to like two words. And you have to jimmy thats probably a good idea for anyone, really. 100 . Its like the opposite of the engine that gets everybody pumped. This one feels everybodys lame. And hes really smart. And his town is so boring. So stressed out. Jimmy did you study teenaged boys . I did. I went to the mall. Jimmy that was, dad did not get to go . I wore a trench coat and went like, hello. I went to the mall and watched teenagers. Its really funny to watch, you have to be funny when you watch teenager from behind, from behind a pole, because you can get asked to leave. But um, what i love about teenagers that age is they have, like, no freedom. They feel really confined. Like they think that they are smarter than everyone else. But they dont know what theyre doing. And when youre around them, they look like goofballs, and theyre pushing each other, and just being adams apples everywhere, but they can say stuff that devastates you. Jimmy like what . You can walk past them and like your shoes, and youre like, whats wrong with my shoes . All of a sudden you go home and you want to buy a cemetery plot. Jimmy because theyve spoken on behalf of their whole generation. Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy and the mom character. Yeah. Jimmy is that based on a person . Its kind of loosely based on my mom. The character has a boston accent. My mother is not a yeller, but she gets a little stressed sometimes about, she still yells be careful, when i leave the house, and im 48. Jimmy well, sure. You have to be careful. Do you feel like you are ever more careful as a result of your mother reminding to you be . No. Jimmy no. But isnt it weird that no matter your age when youre home with your parents you just get back into that groove . I do turn into a teenager when im with my parents, like oh, my god, im so annoyed with them. Jimmy do you clean up after yourself when your parents make dinner at your house . I do. I didnt when i was a teenager, but i do. I have changed. Jimmy you dont completely revert back to teenage hood. No, because teenage hood i was feet up on the couch just being like, are you making anybody sandwiches right now . My mother would be like, im in bed. I was like, would you get up, though . Would you make me one, if you were up, though . Jimmy are you still celebrating gallentines day . The holiday you invented . [cheers and applause] is that still a thing . In fact, im having dinner after the show, with Rashida Jones and audrey plaza and kathryn hahn for valentines day, for which, those of you who dont know, its an alternative to valentines day, created by parks and rec. And you shower them with gifts. Jimmy there are gifts involved. Yeah, i didnt think there had to be, but leslie did. Its fun and has caught on even though its a fake holiday, even though valentines day is a fake holiday. Jimmy it sounds more fun than valentines day. It does, doesnt it . Jimmy theres no male version of this, i guess football would be the male version of this. I feel like men are so sensitive now, you could have your own gallentines version of it and just jimmy i have a better idea. Maybe well drink a gallon of something. Well just spell it a little bit differently. Well, your show was very funny. I cant wait to see it. Its on fox. Its called duncanville premieres sunday at 8 30 on fox. Well be back with David Sedaris. [cheers and applause] are haikus better than fleece . Than. Fleece edition. Uh no way what about freckles . Freckles . grapes . pet rocks . What . are wizards better than fleece . you stole my bit neil. And no, nothings better than fleece. Shop everything on sale for forty percent off thats forty percent only at old navy technology, it does great things for people. Like putting cpas at our finger tips who will review our taxes with us. Ive checked your return and youre are good to go. Great thanks. People can be good at anything, even taxes. Intuit turbotax. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. G, even taxes. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. 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Seorks fast to give you clear skin that can la real people with psoriasis. Look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked. For tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections. And lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection. Or symptoms. If your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop. Or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine. Or plan to. Serious allergic reactions. May occur. I just look and feel better. See me. Ask your dermatologist if cosentyx could help you move past the pain of psoriasis. Finally, a mopping cloth that kills 99. 9 of germs, from clorox. This is gonna be americas favorite breakfast. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. Wendys uses freshcracked eggs on all our breakfast sandwiches. Not whatever. This stuff is. ding thats right. See you in the morning you up for this . Uhoh, dead battery at your rustic rental. What if a little birdie told you its switching time . Thanks friend. Switched up to twelve hours of battery life. Switch to chromebook. What started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year my spark card is more than a credit card. It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . It has actually helped me grow my business. To present the flavor weve all been waiting for, the hazelnut spread m ms spokescandy clapping audience gasps oh my what did you do . . giggles we ate him. howling wind howling wind vo i want to rock rock i want to rock rock i want to rock rock i want to rock rock i want to. Rock rock i want to rock rock i want to rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock i want to rock rock rock rock i want to rock chris rock whod you expect . Sylvester Stallone i dont know. Me . Ok, im going to go for it now. I want to rock rock rock rock rock rock i want to rock the human music group. Shes a supreme lyricist. Icic jimmy still to come, superm. Our next guest is one of the funniest writers ever. His latest number one bestseller is calypso and now, hell teach you to write one for yourself with his master class online. Hows your big trip end . Got any big plans for the weekend . If its a question youve heard in a hotel or a store, forget it. Theres no place to go with those questions. Those are smalltalk questions. I like a question like, do you know many people in wheelchairs . Good question. Jimmy very good question. Please say hello to David Sedaris. [cheers and applause] jimmy how are you . This is im not sure how to sit down in this jacket. Jimmy this is quite an ensemble youve put, did you put this together . I put it together. Because the jacket didnt come with the culottes, or the knee socks but i thought, huh, but its not actually the strangest part of it. I, my sister amy, you know, shes an actor. Jimmy yes. [ applause ] she told me that on those award shows, everybody is held together with tape and, like girding. Jimmy uhhuh, yes. So i watched a little bit of the Academy Awards and i thought, i wonder if the men are wearing things, too. And yesterday i found out they made spanx for men. I went out and bought some. Im wearing them right now. I went to the store, and its like a tee shirt for a baby. Thats what it looks like. And im wearing it, and i couldnt really button this jacket before. Its fantastic. Jimmy its really something, isnt it . Its a substitute for fitness. Yeah. Jimmy are you on tour right now . You just finishing up your live tour . I did a tour of australia. Jimmy you did a tour of australia. And you will go on these tours. You will read your work to people, and then you talk to the people afterwards. When i first moved to new york i went and saw a play, wallace shawn, a monologue. We walked into the theater and this man shook my hand. It was wallace shawn. He shook everyones hand as they walked into the theater. When i saw the play, i would never have admitted to myself that the play was slow or dull, because i know him. I was on his side because he shook my hand. So i like to be there early, and then i meet people beforehand. And i sign books afterwards. Jimmy you find everyone to be interesting in some way, true . Yeah, i mean, i think if you make people comfortable. Jimmy uhhuh. And they can, even, sometimes people come and they want to tell you will a story, and its not that interesting. Jimmy right. But theres something behind it, or maybe you, like this woman came, and i said is your dad cheap . And she said oh, my god, how did you know . She said my dad was so cheap that when i was in high school, when people would roll the house, he would make us collect the toilet paper and use it. And, if it got rained on, they had to put it on racks and dry it out. But, can you imagine, youre in high school, and your friends come over, and you have hefty bags in your bathroom, filled with that weirdly textured, rainedon, then dried out toilet paper . And he wouldnt buy anymore until theyd used all that. Jimmy for him, it was like money was coming from the sky. I guess thats a positive way to look at it. But i love a thing like that. Jimmy you have yeah, i love it, too. You have this master class, and i wonder, and i was watching, and i am going to watch the whole thing. I think you are one of the best writers ever. [cheers and applause] and i do love your stuff, but can people really learn how to be funny from watching this . Uh, i dont know. I mean, i think they can be reminded of certain things. Jimmy mmhm. You know . Quite often, ill see something, and people will say, no, you didnt. That didnt happen. You didnt see that. And its like, no, you didnt see it, because youre on your phone every second. I could get on a Hotel Elevator naked and nobody would in the. Jimmy have you tried that . I was in the hotel, and i saw a guy in the hallway, and he was wearing nothing but a tee shirt, and it was like a womans tee shirt, and he pulled it down as far as he could. And it was like 2 00 in the morning at a holiday inn in buffalo, and thats, and he was in the hallway, and i think about it to this day, that i should have said, can i give you a towel . Because where was he i couldnt figure out what the story was. Jimmy he got locked out of his room. He made a dash for ice. It wasnt his room. Jimmy well, then, he was a sexual predator, i guess, and its probably better that you didnt engage him, but you will engage people, and you will have experiences, intentionally, that other people might not want to have, like, you know, there might be something that sounds terrible, and you will go along with it. Well, the thing is, that its a perfect way to meet people. So theyre standing in line to see you. So you can talk to them in a way, if you were a Customer Service representative you couldnt talk to people in that same way. Jimmy yes. When i was in australia, i met this woman. She came through the book signing line, and she said im at the age now, when i wake up in the morning, im so ugly, my iphone doesnt recognize me. I thought, that must happen to people. You know, that must happen. You would be so insulted, wouldnt you your phone wouldnt recognize you . Jimmy do you ever keep in touch with these people . You meet someone and i have kept in touch with people. I met this guy years ago, and i said what do you do for a living . And he said, im mentally ill. And that keeps me pretty busy. [ laughter ] and i, i kept in touch with him. I mean. [ laughter ] yeah, there are a number of people who ive met, you know, because sometimes, and it must be like this for you. You have a family. You have a fulltime job. And it must be hard for you to have, like, close friends. You know, like a lot of, but, i kind of like that. You can, they ask still be your friend, but theyre just your friend that way. Jimmy mmhm. And maybe you see them once every year and a half for a few minutes. You still think of them as your friends. Jimmy yes, yes, i know what you mean. To me, thats a great little relationship, you know, you talk to somebody for two minutes, and you learn a little something. They learn a little something. And then we move on. Jimmy and thats it. Yeah. Jimmy are you still writing unusual things in peoples books when they come to your signings . You know what happens more and more often is people get, i just had a couple books returned to me. Jimmy really . There was a woman i met in australia. And she said, will you sign a book to lets say robert. I said whos robert . And she said hes my boyfriend. And i said, you know, thats great, but i said dont get too attached to him because hes going to die one day. And then i drew his tombstone in her book, and i took the time, and i drew it really nice. And i drew, and i was talking to her about this and that the whole time. And then she sent the books back to me, you know. How dare you, i know hes going to die. I dont need to be reminded of it, and you think about this the next time you insult somebody. But, an insult to me would be if you came to get a book to signed and im like, yeah, i dont know what were going to, thats an insult. Its not an insult if i talk to you and ask you questions and i said what do you think hes going to die of . Jimmy David Sedaris. Davids lessons are on masterclass. Com, and calypso is available in paperback now. And well return with music from superm. [cheers and applause] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by the 2020 gclass. Mercedes benz, the best or nothing. If youre 55 and up, tmobile has a plan designed just for you. And, for a limited time only, were making it an even better deal. Now you can get two lines for only 55. That includes unlimited talk, text and data. With no annual service contracts. It also includes talk, text and data when traveling in mexico and canada. So if youre 55 and up, you can now get two lines for only 55. Because at tmobile, we have a plan designed just for you. vo electric, it doesnt i knhave enough range. Nking. It cant handle the elements. And, there is nowhere to charge up. Well, think again. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy id like to thank jeff ross, amy poehler and David Sedaris. Apologies to matt damon, nightline is next, but first this is their selftitled ep, here with the song jopping, superm. [cheers and applause] i dont even care [ singing in korean ] stage left to the right we gon make it make it bang put your hands in the air let me see you bounce to the left to the right [ singing in korean ] round round, round, round, round round, round, round, round cause when we jumping its popping we jopping jopping, jopping, jopping you know how we get down jopping how we get down jopping how we get down cause when we jumping and popping we jopping step on the floor start a riot where the make it last front to back yeah, yeah give me that give me that give me that the roofs on fire let it burn to an ash we gon keep it jopping tell the dj bng it back n kea] like a paraglide m [ singing in korean ] in a pair of slides [ singing in korean ] out to paradise [ singing in korean ] to a better life gotta move watch the money monsoon ching, ching make the crowd go wild in a small room yeah let me see you put it all on like a costume [ singing in korean ] we love to move it keep it going dont stop its in your nature [ singing in korean ] girl, what you want [korean lyrics] we go on and on champagne life thats all you want dont stop letting it go cause we got that glow you know how we get down oh, jopping how we get down jopping how we get down cause when we jumping its popping we jopping i dont even care [korean lyrics] stage left to the right we gon make it make it bang put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce to the left to the right [ singing in korean ] ououou, oy y thi throwing three stacks bet ima show you how to ball you a mismatch what opinionated but im always spitting straight facts true throw it back i might throw this on an eighttrack oh [ singing in korean ] im a sight to see so fresh exciting go and drop the beat drop, drop we get it jopping the party it dont stop dont stop [ singing in korean ] lets go [ singing in korean ] well keep it jumping and popping here all night jump to the front if you want it hands up [ singing in korean ] dont stop letting it go like you dont care i dont even care i dont even care [ singing in korean ] stage left to the right we g ] make it make it bang utin round [ singing in korean ] hear that sound hear that sound [ singing in korean ] play the music loud music loud [ singing in korean ] cause tonights gonna set you free yeah, yeah i dont even care [ singing in korean ] stage we dont even care left to the right we gon make it make it bang and we make it bang put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce put your hands in the air come on put your hands in the air let me see you bounce to the left to the right [ singing in korean rftghco on puthands i [ singing in korean ] stage left to the right we gon make it make it bang oh, yeah put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce to the left to the right [ singing in korean ] round cause when we jumping its popping we jopping round, round, roun, round round, round, round, round cause when we jumping its popping we jopping [cheers and applause]
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