Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240712

The joeys are here today. So glad i missed that song. Next, put sunscreen on my kids. Growing up, i dont even think my parents knew what sunscreen was. My father used to lather me up with olive oil so i could get a beautiful tan at the age of three. Then snack. Then lunch. And when theyre done with lunch then we snack again. Then i take the kids on a walk where somehow, i am the only one walking. Then its nap time, for me. Next, i watch eight minutes of tangled, four minutes of trolls, and 30 minutes of cinderella. Then i negotiate how many bites of dinner equals a popsicle treat. Then its bath time where i somehow proceed to get more wet than the kids who are inside the bathtub. Next is story time. Then bed time. Then i cry in a corner wondering if i am spending enough time with my kids. I want to set the record straight on something tonight. Quarantine . Was invented by italians. The word quarantine comes from the italian words quaranta giorni, which mean 40 days. During the plague, italy actually made ships isolate for 40 days before they could enter the country. The sailors had to just stay on their ships, baking banana bread, watching netflix or whatever, i dont know history. But if you think about it, everything about quarantine is italian. You eat all day long, and start drinking wine at noon. Everythings covered in plastic so it doesnt get contaminated. Youre constantly trying to stop your parents from hugging and kissing everyone they meet. Three months ago, you bought 500 boxes of pasta. You got hair coming out of every orifice. You have to talk with your hands because your mouth is covered. People are overtipping delivery guys. Even the virus itself looks like a weird meatball. The only Silver Lining here is that this pandemic made italians of us all. People have a lot of extra time on their hands right now, and many young people have been spending it on tik tok, which bothers me. I dont know what tik tok is or how it works. Honestly until last week, i thought tik tok was a rapper. But ive been told, there are some people on there who do impressions of me. And i thought itd be funny, and to review some of them with you. Lets check out this first guy. What as up everybody. Its sebastian maniscalco. Feeling very good, very fresh. You know, things are strange in the house when youre doing standup comedy with a shoe horn as a microphone . Hes got an announcer feel like don pardo. But ill give him credit. He writes his own material. I give him a bminus, but his shoehorn microphone gets an a. Heres another one i got this new girlfriend, okay . I like to take her out to nice meals, you know, nice dinners, okay . Couple weeks ago she tells me she wants to go to brunch. What the hell is brunch . People cant pick a news anymore . I dont know if that guys having a seizure or being attacked by a swarm of bees. Although i couldnt really Pay Attention to the impression because i was fixated on the Indianapolis Colts pennant in the background. I havent seen a pennant on a wall since 1982. I give him a c. Okay, whos next . Theres girls in the neighborhood that like to go on mornin jogs. Theyre joggin through my neighborhood like this. Theyve been squattin, theyve been squattin on my hedges,ma. On the hedges. Thats Melissa Villasenor from saturday night live. I know her, shes a sweetheart. And on top of the impression being great, the set dressing is spectacular. Melissa, you get an a. And lastly. Dunkin donuts, this morning, true story. Guy walks in. Cashier goes, what can i do for you, sir . This guy walked up to the glass. Put his shnoz, mask down on the glass and proceeded to order im honestly not sure thats not me. Not only does he have fantastic material, theres a nuance this guy nails. He nailed the half eyelid, to pick that out, you got to be a master impersonator. And hes from chicago, so he gets an a . Anyway, thanks to all my impressionists. Im flattered. I think. I dont know. Tonight on the show, well honor our healthcare hero of the week. And we will be right back with alex rodriguez. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by lexus. Experience, amazing. Whether its bribes. Or an overdue makeover. Get all your pet essentials right when you need them, with Curbside Pickup at petsmart. Just order online, drive up, checkin, and pick up. Im sexy and i know it girl look at that body sweetnsour, spicy buffalo, tangy bbq. Each mcnugget, a chance to diversify your sauce portfolio. Ba da ba ba ba itchy . Scratchy . Family not get charmin ultra strong. It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Hello clean bottom enjoy the go with charmin. Theyeah, theyre identical. E. Actually, theyre not. House 2 also has antioxidant vitamin c. Antioxidant. Then well take house 2. Congratulations given the choice, why wouldnt you choose the one with antioxidant vitamin c . Choose vizzy hard seltzer. Sebastian welcome back to jimmy kimmel live. Im jimmys standin, sebastian maniscalco. In just a bit, we will salute our healthcare hero of the week. And the show has some good guest hosts lined up for you next week, including joel mchale, nikki glaser, sean hayes, and george lopez. In a 22season major league career, our guest tonight hit 696 home runs, won a world series title and three American League mvp awards, and hes not even the most famous person in his own house. One week from tonight, hell broadcast baseballs Opening Night, yankees at nationals on espn. Please welcome arod himself, alex rodriguez. Thank you so much for being here, how you doing, bro . Im doing great, whats happening, my brother . Sebastion i dont even consider myself a celebrity or famous at all. And i had the pleasure of eating dinner at your house. You invited my wife lana and i to your house. And i wanted to know, since youre the social one in the relationship, quite like my wife, did you and j. Lo make that decision together . Or did you come home one day and say the maniscalcos are coming for dinner, and she went, ah, what are you doing . She said, really . No, we loved having you guys over. Shes a big fan. We love your work and it was great having you over, especially your better half, no doubt about that, lanas the best. Sebastion i do have to mention that going over to your house we were greeted by an advance team, somewhat like the military. You know, you send out a team to scope it out. And then you guys finally came down like 45 minutes later. What the hell were you doing . Well, it was funny, when we finally said hello, and of course we had to do it through social distancing and all of that, you said i met nine people here, i didnt even know if you and jennifer were home. Sebastion i didnt even know if i was in the right house. But that meal was good. That meal was good. Sebastion it was fantastic. The whole experience was great. And were going to have to have you guys over next time, but i want to get into whats going on with baseball. No audience, no fans in the stands. Now you as an explayer, do you feed off the people that are there . Or do you just revert back to Little League when your first cousin was in the front row . Well, you know what . Absolutely. Baseball is synonymous with the greatest fans in the world. And that energy, both at home in Yankee Stadium or on the road at fenway, they both energize you. And this will remind me and other players of a spring training game. They call it the b game, its 8 00 in the morning, a simulated game and theres nothing. But the sounds of baseball are magical, the sound of the ball going into the mitt, the sound of the crack of the wood. Baseball is just the best. Sebastion it is the best. And theres also a sound i dont think were going to hear this year, which is spitting. I dont think theyre allowing any type of dip or anything like that. Now i know you were a gum guy. Is that something, is that a superstition . Or what was that . Let me tell you. Of all the things that i would have the hardest adjustment with, Baseball Players are very superstitious, but not chewing gum while playing baseball, that would be a real score breaker for me. I probably went through 36 pieces of gum every game i played. Sebastion 36 pieces of gum . Every time i have two pieces of gum i get a little gas. What was going on with 36 pieces of gum . It was this. I will take three or four pieces of gum, you can probably see it on youtube. I would put it in. And i start chewing it, its a like i had an attitude or something. It was bogus, but it gave me a little bit more swag. Sebastion got you, got you. So listen, i understand during quarantine you got a puppy, which i, which i met, but i dont think you had named the puppy when i was at your house. Whats going on with your dog at the house . It was a nameless puppy when you came over for dinner. And i was really hoping, i was really hoping that we can call it yankee doodle, but they dont listen to me at home. So i lost. And the dog is named tyson. Sebastion after mike . After mike. I think. [ laughter ] sebastion so listen, youre allegedly trying to buy the mets. I say allegedly, because we dont know for sure. I just thought baseball teams were reserved for like billionaires who just woke up and said you know what . I want a team. So if you were to buy the team, what do you do . Is this like a gofundme . You start Walking Around asking people for cash . Why did you think that i had you and lana over for dinner . Sebastion thats what i was that was my pitch. Sebastion you got the wrong guy you got the wrong guy. I mean, i would, i would be afraid to even toss a number out at you, and youd go, what are you going to do with that . Buy popcorn . Listen, what do you like about the broadcasting game . Youre so good at it, i mean, you seem like a natural fit. You went right from playing baseball right into announcing. And now that theres going to be really no energy in the stadium, are you going to be talking a lot more . Are they throwing it to you . Whats going on . First of all, i love announcing, the fact that ive been with espn and with fox for a few years now. Its just, the best thing after playing is talking about playing, talking about baseball, but i think this gives it a unique experience, because its 60 games, not 162. So its a sprint, not a marathon. So one of the rare opportunities that i will take advantage of is open up the whole entire, just open up the flood gates, open up the mics. Give us access to guys driving to the ballpark, clubhouse, batting cages, sounds. When i used to be over there and i would lean over to Derrick Jeter or robinson cano, everybody would ask me, what were you guys talking about . The game, if we just kind of reveal everything and open it up, i think its an immense opportunity, because people want to be taken behind the curtains. So lets do it. This is the year. Sebastion so you want everybody micd and everybody filmed, and i can see where thats coming from, because you walk around with your own video crew yourself. So i would love to see that implemented into major league baseball. Listen, man, i got to thank you for joining us here. Really appreciate you taking some time out. Watch alex on Opening Night next thursday and all season on sunday night baseball on espn. Well be right back with our healthcare hero of the week. However you go back, weve got your back. Hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . Easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Sebastian welcome back to jimmy kimmel live. Im jimmys body double, sebastian maniscalco. Our healthcare hero tonight is a maintenance housekeeper at Lancaster General Hospital in pennsylvania. Please welcome sanitizing superstar, mr. Stanley gantz. How you doin, stanley . How you doing, sir . Sebastion listen, how long have you been a hospital housekeeper . Ten years, i rode my bike for ten years. Sebastion you ride your bike to work . Oh, yes, sir. Yes, i do. Every day. Sebastion so you were using lysol before it was cool. Yes. Yes. [ laughter ] sebastion so listen, how has your job changed since the virus struck . Well, it was, it was hard. And we try keeping, we try to keep it clean, we wipe everything down. We wear masks, we wear goggles. We wear gloves, and we wash, sanitize our hands every day. And we wipe everything down and make sure we beat the virus every day. Sebastion i got to tell you, we really do appreciate all your hard work being that youre on the front lines of all this. I used to be a janitor myself. We used to scrub the wax off the floor with this big machine, are you still doing that in those hospitals . Oh, yes, we do it every day, every day, we do it every day, every day. We never miss a spot. We got to do it every day. Thats good. Sebastion i understand your coworkers call you soul man. Can you tell us how you got that nickname . Well, soul man came from a blue sky here. A lot of people ask me, they say you can sing, you got a good voice. I wish we can do better for you. And, you know, im happy doing what im doing, thats all im doing. I just make everybody happy, everybody happy. Sebastion so you like to sing when you work . Oh, yeah, you should hear me sometimes. I can sing. Sebastion whats a better time than now, stanley . Would you mind . First of all, whos your Favorite Singer . Smokey. Smokey robinson. Sebastion and do you have a Favorite Song . Yes. I got sunshine on a cloudy day when its cold outside i got the month of may i you say hey, hey what can you my girl my girl talkin about my girl oh oh, how you doin, smokey . Smokey robinson. Im doin fine, how you doin . Youre the crooner of the hospital. You know, it takes a big shoe to fill. Appreciate you, my brother, and thank you for going around the hospital singing my songs, i love that. You the man. Thank you, sir. I appreciate that. I saw you live. Years ago. Oh, boy, where . You were singing that song. I dont know, smokey. That was a long time, smokey. Long time. Sebastion stanley, listen, we got one more surprise for you here. The team at green goo wants to spread goodness by giving you 10,000 to spend however you like, all right . Excuse me, i got to take a drink. I need a drink for that one. Sebastion take some scotch, if you got it. Oh, boy. Sebastion in addition to the gift, they will also be donating some of their hand sanitizer, allnaturalplantbased to your hospital in lancaster, and i think smokey has something for you as well. I got this for you, stanley. This record right here is for you. Im going to sign this to you, and were going to get it to you, and enjoy, man. I hope you got a turn table. I got that i got a turn table yeah, baby. Going to send you this album. And enjoy it, man. Its really a joy meeting you, you keep up the good work and god bless you for what you do, everybody at the hospital, all you who take care of the people there and especially with the virus going around like it is, god bless you, man, and thank you so much, and im going to send this to you. Thank you, sir, thank you so much. Sebastion sing us out of break. Well be right back, sing us out of break. I got love on my mind i got joy in my heart sebastion well be right back. Sing it, baby. [ laughter ] my Psoriatic Arthritis pain . I had enough its not getting in my way. Joint pain, swelling, tenderness much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis are feeling real relief with cosentyx. Cosentyx is a different kind of targeted biologic. It treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I just look and feel better. I got real relief with cosentyx. Watch me novartis is committed to supporting our community. Learn more at cosentyx. Com. Tomorrow can only be better with wendys breakfast. Win with a breakfast baconator, honey butter chicken biscuit, sausage egg and swiss croissant, or a maple bacon chicken croissant free with mobile order purchase. Tomorrows lookin good people are looking for change, for answers. One answer is at your fingertips, the 2020 census. Census takers will be visiting households to make sure we are counted. Because an undercounted community could miss out on billions of funding for schools, healthcare and job assistance each year for the next ten years. Too much is at stake. Respond online today. Shape your future. Start here at 2020census. Gov. Sebastian well, thats all the time we have tonight. Id like to thank alex rodriguez, stanley and smokey, and my buddy jimmy kimmel. Nightline is next. You may now go back to fighting with your family. Goodnight. A major covid19 warning coming from doctors tonight. For those folks who are back at the office. Alameda county has a new program that will pay some people to stay home if they test positive for covid19. Hes offering to pay a lot for the best teachers in the bay area. A local investor hoping to set up a classroom in his own backyard. Chin chilled air today. Warmth is in our future. Ill have the forecast coming up. Abc 7 news at 11 00 starts right now. Building a better bay area for a safe and secure future. This is abc 7 news. Im not trying to break a union. All i want to do is keep my kids safe and kate them. A Silicon Valley investor is facing backlash tonight over his plans to start a microschool in his backyard. The job promises potential teachers it will, quote, beat whatever they are getting paid. Microschools or pandemic pods are one solution parents are turning to with so much uncertainty heading into the new school year. Thats why all this week, abc 7 is focussing on what back to school will look like for parents, teachers and, of course, students. But as abc 7 News Reporter shows us, the bay area father is trying to take the criticism in stride. Reporter posted on sunday and still making rounds, tweeting, look for the best fourth t