Makes me gassy. Its the late show with stephen colbert. Tonights top story, trump takes on north korea. Plus midnight confessions, with Hillary Clinton. And stephen welcomes Bobby Moynihan and tatiana maslany, featuring jon batiste and stay human. E onape fr the , it s ltephanen civolbe w,d no cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody please have a seat. Youre very kind. Thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. cheers and applause it is as you can tell by this crowd, it is friday. cheers jon its a friday crowd. Stephen thats a friday reaction right there. Of course, if youve been in new york city, you know that the u. N. Has been in town alleek. Diomats from eve nation on this planet have gathered in new york to spread their message of, we can park anywhere we want. Hopeful. applause and the highlight was trumps big speech, where he threatened to totally destroy north that didnt go over big with north korea who fired back. Earlier this week, their foreign minister, ri yong ho, called trumps speech nothing more than the sound of a dog barking. laughter pretty sick burn on our president , to which i have to say knock it off, north korea, noko. You are not allowed to insult our leader like that. Sure, ive had my problems with President Trump, such as everything he has said and done. But im not going to stand here and let somebody from another country talk smack about our president we can do it, okay . Membership has its privileges laughter cheers and applause all right . Thats in the constitution if i want to say that our president is a lump of uncooked pumpkin bread dough with a rusty brillo pad balanced on top, that is my right. cheers and applause jon go ahead, go ahead. Stephen im angry. That is way out of line. This guy also said, if trump was thinking he could scare us, thats really a dogs dream. First of all, what is it with you and dogs . Is north korea too poor to afford another metaphor . Apparently, in korean, a dog dream is one that is absurd and makes little sense. Oh, really . Well, in america, something thats absurd and makes very little sense is called every day since november 8. And again again, i applause i am allowed tow say that. Otu renstituonal right to say that donald trump looks like a rotting haystack made of meat, but you cannot. And the worst part is the foreign minister made these iotw s outside ofel h h rkyo you come to my house and insult my president . Who, granted, i think isnt fit to sit in a white castle, let alone a white house. cheers and applause but but applause you dont see me going around saying your leader, kim jongun, looks like if the kid from up ate the old man from up laughter so back off, north korea does the late show have nukes . Do we have nukes . We need to get nukes. Okay. And north korea wasnt the only jittery Nuclear Power that trump poked with a stick. He also lashed out at iran. You see, obama signed a deal which reduced sanctions in exchange for iran curbing its Nuclear Program back in 2015, d ich feels like 80 years ago. Frankly, that deal is an. Mbarrassment to the unitede stt atbe lieve mees. Stephen you know what i dont trust . People who end their sentences with believe me. laughter youre gonna love this car. Great gas mileage, and its never had a corpse in the trunk. Believe me. laughter applause the thing is youll never find any blood. Lemon juice and soda water. Lemon juice and soda water. The thing is, if trump wants to pull out of the deal, he has to prove that iran is not complying with it. One problem the latest inspections found no evidence that the country is breaching the agreement. Thats right, sir. You actually need a reason to back out of this agreement. You cant do it just because you met a hotter, younger treaty. But but there are signs that were going to pull out. For instance, heres Vice President and manmayonnaise hybrid, mike pence, who said said on cbs this morning on cbs yesterday morning this President Trump made his view of the iran deal very clear before the United NationsGeneral Assembly this week. He considers it nothing short of an embarrassment, the worst onesided deal perhaps in american history. Stephen perhaps. As long as you dont count native american history. Then, with the deal up in the air, iranian president Hassan Rouhani said this to the General Assembly it will be a great pity if this agreement were to be destroyed by rogue newcomers to the world of politics. Stephen rogue newcomer . again, foreigners. We can do it. You cant. If i want to call trump jabba the hutts outofshape stunt double, thats why i pay taxes. Dont make me tell you again cheers and applause now, folks, with all thats going on in the world, im the first to admit that what im about to tell you is not the number one story, but it is the number two. Jim . A family has had enough. They say a woman is defecating on their sidewalk near breyergate and union in Colorado Springs. The family says theyve caught her in the act twice now. Stephen twice . laughter you know what they say poop on my sidewalk once, shame on you. Poop on my sidewalk twice, really . Youre pooping on my sidewalk again . Are you okay . See someone. laughter folks, this is serious. This is my serious face this is serious this is serious this woman is still at large, and the news media has dubbed her the mad pooper. laughter applause im going to go out on a limb and say i dont think the mad is necessary. Thats like calling someone the crazy chainsaw murderer. No, this guys a chainsaw murderer, only hes not right in the head unfortunately, there are eyewitnesses pants around ankles in broad daylight. Ds saw it happenirst. Here like, thr eres a lady takiheng a pookip and so i come outside, and its like oh, dear goodness and so i was like, are you serious . Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids . And she was like yeah, sorry laughter stephen you know, ive always said there are two things that sorry just cant fix lying to a friend, and pooping on the sidewalk. laughter and the Colorado SpringsPolice Department are at high alert. One sergeant said, its abnormal. Its not something ive seen in my career, for someone to repeatedly do such a thing. Its unchartered territory for me. Never seen it in his career. Hard not to feel sorry for this sergeant. I bet hes just weeks away from retirement and hes getting too old for this bleep . laughter applause i dont know why we didnt win the emmy. I dont understand. laughter hardhitting stuff. Listen, stay tuned for updates on this story. In the meantime, officers, do your duty laughter applause so heres the thing heres the thing if you havent seen this, yet another public meltdown taking place across america. Im talking about the leaked video of msnbc anchor and smug mannequin, Lawrence Odonnell. This week, some footage was leaked of lawrence getting a little testy during a taping. But he did bring a hat, a hat that is for sale. 15 seconds. Whats going on . Why am i losing this . Why dont i have sound . Whos asking for a labor day rundown in my ear . 20 seconds. bleep . Damn it. 10 seconds. Theres insanity in the control room tonight. Someone in that control room is out of control. laughter stephen wow he went from zero to dad on day three of roadtrip like that. laughter and with odonnell already ear, the crew picked a bad time to start renovating the studio. Coming up is donald trump going to be called to testify to congress . Michael itzkoff has the latest on that. Stop the hammering. Stop the hammering out there. Whos got a hammer . Where is it . Wheres the hammer . Is it on the go up on the other floor. Somebody go up there and stop the hammering. Stop the hammering ill go down there to the god bleep floor myself and stop it. Stephen folks, i got to say, while the footage is not flattering, as a broadcaster, i really feel for lawrence in that clip. Hosting a Television Show is extremely stressful and these guys know it is hard to do with any distraction. Jon yeah. J usim ppglaad you agree. Thank you. This can happen to the best of us. I had a meltdown of my own recently. So thats why, in solidarity with Lawrence Odonnell and just to get ahead of the story before it breaks, im releasing my own tape. Also, mr. President , whats the capital of nambia anyway, covfefe . Whats happening in my earpiece . Someones hitting buttons in my earpiece. Why is a woman talking about christmas in my earpiece right now. Shes literally describing christmas traditions. Why is this happening . bleep and thats why he should be brought great bleep . This woman is back in my ear. Now shes ringing sleigh bells and reciting the 12 days of christmas. Golden rings damn it laughter whos drilling . Wheres the drilling laughter wheres the drilling coming from . Stop the drilling stop it ill stop the drilling myself where is the drilling ill come there myself and stop the drilling ive got your power tool right here . Wait is that a horse . Wheres my chair . applause who told you i told you bleep amateurs no horses in here. laughter aarrggh cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show tonight. Bobby moynihan is here. But its friday. Weve got a very special midnight confessions with hill road rodham clinton. Stick around. So much to confess to. Want in on the secret to ageless skin. Take the olay 28 day challenge. Millions of real women see results starting day 1. There is not a friend i have, that will not own this product visible results or your money back olay. Ageless. And im an arborist with ipg e in the sierras. The drought in california has killed trees on a massive scale. Anof those trees that fail into power lines could cause a wildfire or a power outage. Public safety is the main goal of our program. Thats why were out removing these hundreds of thousands of hazard trees. Having tools and Technology Gives us a huge edge to identify hazard trees. My hope is that the work were performing allows that these forests can be sustained and enjoyed by the community in the future. Together, were building a better california. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human right over there. Jon hey, hey stephen well, folks. cheers and applause yesterday was rosh hashana. Lshana tova, everybody. Either i just said happy new year in hebrew, or i ordered hummus. Im not sure. Rosh hashana, of course, begins the jewish days of repentance, during which jewish people practice tshuvah. laughter cheers and applause seriously, wheres my hummus . laughter if youre looking for a great yom kipur present look no further than Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Absolutely. Buy this book between Rosh Hashanah and yom kippur, or your name will not be put down in the barnes noble of life. Heres something i need to atone for, shamelessly promoting my book Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. And i am not the only one who has things to confess to. On my show on tuesday, Hillary Rodham clinton also needed to unburden herself. Jim. I have a new book. Igs called stlbn epsercot confessions. And i was just wondering if you have anything that you wanted to confess before we did confessions tonight. Oh, im sure i do, but i dont know if i know you well enough yet. laughter stephen well, i mean, you could just tell the audience. They wont tell anybody, right . Audience, of course, not. Well, okay. Now donald trump had it all wrong. It was actually me who was born in kenya. laughter cheers and applause . Stephen thats an exclusive. Exclusive. Stephen thats an exclusive. Stephen folks,av ie h to you a now, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience, of course, not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause stephen quick disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay. Be right back. organ music laughter forgive me audience, when people bring a bottle of wine to my house, i run into the next room to google how much it cost. laughter a blood type, i say wet. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, when im too lazy to read your text, i just type haha. laughter haha. Again, neil, im so sorry about your aunt. laughter one time, one time, i pulled the fire alarm at my kids school because the talent show was so boring. laughter if im ever on death row, my last meal is going to be endless shrimp. laughter applause cheers i tell my dentist i floss everyday, because im always wearing a th laughter ong. After my last trip to the zoo,ee forget. laughter i had my doubts about that o, stealing candy from a baby isnt as easy as i was promised. laughter i have an eleventh toe. Its not mine. laughter im running out of clever ways to plug my new midnight confessions book. Buy now, please. Forgive me, audience audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with Bobby Moynihan buy the galaxy note8 and choose free accessories up to 229. Advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small new size thats fast, cause its liquid. Woohoo youll ask, what pain . New advil liquigels minis. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. We get a gift for mom and dad. , and every year, we split it equally. Except for one of us. I write them a poem instead and one for each of you too that ones actually yours. That one. Regardless, were stuck with the bill. To many, words are the most valuable currency. Last i checked, stores dont take words. Some do. Not everyone can be the poetic voice of a generation. I know, right . Such a burden. The bank of america mobile banking app. The fast, secure and simple way to send money. applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Folks, you know my first guest from his nine seasons on saturday night live. And starting monday, he stars in the new cbs sitcom me, myself i. Please welcome Bobby Moynihan applause stephen very graceful. That was a little graceful pirouette. Such a beautiful theater, you feel like you must spin into it. Stephen its really nice. It really is beautiful. Stephen well, listen, congratulations. This past sunday night, is the night live won for best show. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Yeah. applause . Stephen we we we did not. But thats cool. And you were there for nine seasons. Yeah. Stephen and this was your last season. Yeah. You left. I did. Stephen is it hard for you to leave . Stupid. It was a dumb move, right . Stephen but you were in that nominated season. Yeah, thank god. That past year was i was there nine seasons and that past years was stephen nothing like it. A different beast, a wonderful, wonderful time. Proud to be a part of it. Stephen youre like, oh, theres a purpose to my work. Yeah, yeah, im just glad i didnt look anything like him or bald at impressions. Thank god i didnt have to do it. Sorry, alec. Stephen nine years there. There had to have beenome s bele like, were never going to do that. Millions, a bunch, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen if you had your druthers, we really should have done that. I think i tried and failed about 10 times to get on this character named burl. Had a 900pound man who just was having a party because he had just lost 19 pounds. laughter and he was he was finally 900 pounds, so he was having a party. Stephen he was 919 pounds and lost he lost that 19. He was at his goal weight of 900 pounds. Stephen and was he upset that no one was celebrating with him . Well, n was more just oontent to be alive. It, was more the people around him celebrating. I dont think i said a single word in the sketch. I sat there and that was it. Thats why it didnt make it on. Stephen now, you did improv before. Yeah, i still do. Stephen did you get nervous when you started off . Would you immediately want to do it. I think i have to do this but im terrified . No, i think i was the opposite. I was like, lets do it. Upright citizens brigade, one of the best places in the world to do improv comedy. Stephen extraordinary. Yeah. And so many wonderful, stupid, silly people there and really, really talented people. No, we got up there i would get nervous at times. There were a couple of moments. I had a couple of injuries on stage. Stephen oh, really . Oh, yeah. I remember a show, i was on a team called was eolicp dolphin, and one of the girls in the group immediately jumped and kicked me right in the groin. Went backstage, threw up, and then did a little improv. Stephen now youve got the new show on cbs which starts on monday called me, myself i. Yes. Stephen julia white is in it, johnular ket. Brieng unger. Stephen are you me, myself, or i . Which one are you . Exactly. Tune in to find out. I think im probably myself just because im in the middle of the ages. But stephen it takes place in 92 . 1991, i believe, as a 14yearold. I play a guy named alex reilly who is an inventor and its kind of a story of this guys wife. You see him in 1991, played by jack dillon grazer, who was just in it. I play alan at 45. And you kind of see his love for inventing and kind of his hope and his passion and then when hes 40, his life is not going so hot. Hes living in his best friends garage. Hes a single dad. And he cant think of that invention. And then when you see him in 2042, john laroquets time line, he has invented something amazing. We dont know yet but he is living the dream. Stephen were you upset when they said, we see you as the loser one . Yeah, yeah. Stephen we have a clipg onor inventions. Yes, this is me out andia of ideas and im scrambling and this was an idea i had as a kid and decided to bring it out. Stephen me, myself i. Jim. Thing if occurs every day in japanese restaurants across america. Mmm this sushi looks so good. Oh, no i accidentally dropped another piece of extensive sushi on to the floor. But that is a thing of the past, thanks to. The switch fork. Yum arigato, switch fork mmm laughter applause thank you. I would use that. Stephen youre from the new york area originally, right . I grew up in westchester, inh heeast c,ster eastchester people. Stephen you were in new york for nine years for s. N. L. You had to move to l. A. For this. I did. I just moved. Stephen what is l. A. Bobby like . Oh, man, so cool. Stephen is it . Did that seem cool. Menellotewpher s yellow. Thats cool, right . Stephen people still dring li, wtee do you m gis . You harve to miss something from new york. I do, i mis l. A. Theres no its all really healthy. Its all really healthy food, even thoughy look like the picture of health, im not. But i really miss breakfast sandwiches in the morning. Trecial grease stephen bacon egg and cheese. Im a sausage, egg and cheese man. Are you sausage. Stephen you cant get that . Its all burritos. You can but its chicken and Turkey Sausage and whole grain just give me an everything bagel toasted. Stephen im from new york. I have a death wish. I want to die today. Stephen well, please dont. I wont, i promise. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Me, myself i premieres monday at 9 30 on cbs. Bobby moynihan, everybody. Well be right back with tatiana maslany. Heineken is served in 192 countries. Its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. When you ache and havent youre not you. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol®. What is this . Its the new iphone, its for our anniversary. Our anniversary . Its thirtyfour days since we first met. I didnt. Get you anything. Oh its, its fine cuz. I got myself one too. Oh from you, for me, happy anniversary. I love it. That is very thoughtful of you. Thank you. Get the amazing new iphone 8. And with all at t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. Less than 40 per line for four lines. Only from at t. Including carpet and hardwood, tile, stone, even air ducts and window treatments. And your satisfaction is 100 guaranteed or your money back. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. Call or click today. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. These are 100 beef burgers that are 100 from dennys. They are 100 madetoorder, which is 100 awesome. 100 beef burgers with fries from dennys. Order now at dennys. Com. Including carpet and hardwood, tile, stone, even air ducts and window treatments. And your satisfaction is 100 guaranteed or your money back. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. Call or click today. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is the Emmy Awardwinning actress and star of orphan black. Please welcome back to the show tatiana maslany. applause nice to see you. Come on up. Im a lady. Stephen very poised. Exactly. Nice to see you again. Yeah, nice to see you, too. Stephen nice to have you back for the third time on the show. Right. Stephen obviously great performance on orphan black. Im not sure when is the real tatiana maslany. I hope we have the real one here. Yes. Stephen i didnt get to say hi to the at the emmys on sunday night. I was yelling at you from the audience. I was like, Stephen Stephen i saw you up on stage presenting with jeffrey dean morgan. You looked lovely. Thank you. Stephen you were not eligible this year because orphan black was not eligible this year. You won last year. I had to pee less constantly. I was more chill. Stephen last year you were so nervous about your category coming up yeah, its terrifying. Stephen y find the emmys super fun if you win and if you dont, this is stupid. We dont do this for the awards. Of the. No, no, its about the arts. Stephen its important we get together and celebrate each other every so often. Exactly. Stephen you and is it your boyfriend . Tom cullen. Stephen you have a tradition together. You and tom cullen, actor tom cullen. Me and actor tom cullen. Stephen you have a tradition at the emmys. This is last year . Yup. Stephen and this is this year. Yup. Stephen whats with the pretzels . Because theres no food. Stephen thats true. Its the worst situation. Youre stuck there for hours. I think they do it to keep you v desperate and emotional and fra file jooil so the speeches mean something. Stephen and you havent eaten anything for days. Yes, because you have to fit into the dress. This year wesplit a bottle of water. Stephen oh, wow, you went all out. Oh, it was a big deal, yeah. Stephen you have something in common with me, which excites me when i find out somebody is a fan of this the way i am, is that you love the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. Massively. Stephen there are Jesus Christ Superstar fans out there tonight. Just the 12 apostles. Thats it. Do you have a favorite . I am so obsessed with that musical, you could name anything i think you could name anything anysong in that and i could drop a song. Anything judas sings. Stephen of it seems to me a strange thing mystifying that a man like you. Could waste their time. I love heaven on their minds. Stephen we know heaven on their minds. Lets do it. Oh this is good. My mind is clearer now at last, ill do well i can see where we all soon will be if you strip away the myth from the the man you will see where we are soon will be jesus cheers and applause that is a dream come true, sir stephen and you sang it on broadway cheers and applause wow. Stephen oh, so good. I can die happy now. Stephen so good, so good. I can die happy. Stephen you have play jesus. Thank you. Stephen i have never seen a female jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar. Why they can do ghostbusters and oceans 8. You have a new movie called stronger. Its about the Boston Marathon bombing, and the response of people in boston afterwards, and specifically the story of two people. Tell me who the movie is about. Its about jeff bauman and erin hurley, and jeff was at the finish line waiting for erin, who is his on again off again girlfriend, to finish the marathon, and he happened to be there, you know, kind of in in the unfortunate position of being where the bomb was and he lost both of his legs. Stephen theres a famous paragraph of him being rolled off in a wheelchair, just absolutely arben. Yeah, so this movie starts just before that, but really its about how these people, like, move on from it, and how their relationship survives, and how does love heal. And its a really hopeful film and has humor in it, too, which is David Gordon Green directed it, so you cant not have humor in it. Stephen your character, erin, shes a runner. Are you a runner . I. Used to have. Asthma attacks if i would, like, run down to the, like, corner store. Stephen but youre a marathon runner. I started reading about marathons. Stephen oh, i love reading about exercise. Yeah. laughter . Stephen its my favorite i read about my gym every day. Yup. It really helps. Stephen uhhuh. I feel like i was ready to do it then, and i did. Stephen now, what are we seeing in this clip right here . So this clip is jeff and erin seeing each other for the first time after a while of being off, of not having seen each other, kind of being and theyre in a bar. Stephen is this before or after . This is before the marathon, so erin is raising funds for her run in the marathon. Yeah. Stephen jim. So what are you two amesbury ladies slumming it here for anyway . Im collect doginations for the marathon. No bleep . Yeah. All right yup. Youve got a jar. Pictures of yourself. Thats so great. So you show people pictures of yourself and you ask for money. Tts a y smart idea. Feels like youre selfpromoting. I am. Its literally what im doing. But you know what, if you pass this around, its going to be like you shouldnt do that. You need my help. Stephen that, of course, jake gyllenhaal. The lovely and talented jake gyllenhaal. Yeah, amazing. applause . Stephen now, tomorrow is your birthday. Today is my birthday. Stephen today is youring about the congratulations applause . I made it. Stephen now, youre canadian. You guys celebrate birthdays in canada, right . Yes, its a very special tradition in canada to celebrate birthdays. Stephen we have a present for you here. Hey thats speaking my language. Stephen we have a salted pretzel for you. Thank you, thank you. Stephen and a cup of water. Thank you so much stephen stronger opens in theaters today. Tatiana maslany, everybody. Well be right back. I tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Zorba the greek by Mikis Theodorakis the allnew volkswagen tiguane pedestrian monitoring. The new king of the concrete jungle. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The new moto z with motomods. Get a moto z play for only 10 a month. No tradein required. The best things in life theyre free stars belong to everyone they cling there for you and for me flowers in spring the robins that sing the sunbeams that shine theyre yours and their mine love can come to everyone the best things in life theyre free applause stephen all right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, everybody. Well, this brings us to the end of another week, and what a week its been, i assume. I dont remember much of it. Luckily, to remind me, heres the best of this weeks late show. We must teach each child the value of empathy and communication that are at the core of kindness, mindfulness, integrity, and leadership, which can only be taught by example. Stephen yes, i couldnt agree more kindness, mindfulness, integrity, teaching by example quick question have you met your husband . laughter cheers and applause im greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of ethopia, ghana, guinea, nambia. Nambias Health System is increasingly selfsufficiency. Stephen now, there is no such country as nambia. laughter despite that, they will soon have a Better Health care system than we do. cheers and applause i might move to nambia. Of course, everyone is still talking about hisan repubcans l. Lets see how chief of staff john kelly felt. Here he is listening to trump. laughter cheers and applause when i see people trying to undo that hardwon progress for the 50th or 60th time with bills that would raise costs or reduce coverage or roll back protections for Older Americans or people with preexisting conditions, it is aggravating. Stephen sir, i know youre famously even keeled, but americans are more than aggravated. Im pouring bourbon on my breakfast, and my breakfast is scotch. laughter applause uhhuh. A lot of people have said oh, boy i wish Hillary Clinton would just go away. Just go away. Well, you know, if theyd take up a collection and send me somewhere really nice. Stephen really . I would consider it. But im not going anywhere. cheers and applause . Stephen well, im glad youre not. I get a chance it meet Hillary Clinton, which is unfathomable and incredible. And i look like im nude. Stephen this is this is the two of them backstage holding up these commemorative tshirts in front of them. And it does laughter applause it does look like youre topless. It just came out that mueller requested documents from the white house related to 13 different areas in which investigators are seeking information, including some of the biggest stories since trump took office. Classics like the trump tower meeting with russian lawyer and so much more. Its all collected here on now thats what i call collusion, volume 45. cheers and applause i want to learn how to relax your way. So now weve got it do i need to divide that . Divide that in half. Stephen divide this in half, okay. Roll one of those into a ball, your favorite part, yeah, yeah, with your hands lighten up stephen, youre too tense, man. laughter im talking about chilling. cheers and applause penetration. Oh, my love pinch, pinch. My father would get odd jobs writing softcore porn at dime store novels and things like that. Stephen anything i would know . Just things. You know, like super doll and turn the other chic and things like that. Stephen turn the other cheek is that softcore porn with an arab sheikh . Yes did you read it stephen no. Stephen well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by jerry seinfeld, chance the rapper, and steve martin. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show rege ladies and gentlemen all the way from a place that matters truly,p for your host, the one, the only