Tonight winter storm grayson fast and furious. Stephen welcomes curtis 50 cent jackson, Rachel Brosnahan and comedian gary vider, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its stephe Stephen Colbe cheers and applause band playing stephen thank you very much hey, everybody please, have a seat. Thank you so much. Good to have you here. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you all for joining me, especially you here in this theater tonight cheers and applause you out there dont know but these people have been mating for all members of the nights watch now. Theyve taken the black here north of the wall. laughter there is a whopper of a storm hitting the east coast. There hasnt been such an aggressive onslaught of white since trump took office. Lav l laughter and there it is. Jon yeah. Stephen he road in on that blue craggen and everything. And now, we are getting hit hard here in the big apple, but now the citys in that magical, like, fourminute window when the snow is still pretty and white and hasnt yet turned the color of garbage juice and rat. And its been pretty rough, coming in from the suburbs. This morning, i had to burrow in the stomach of a tauntaun. laughter thank you for your sacrifice, crumbles. Like all massive snowstorms, the Weather Channel has given this one a name. Theyre calling it winter storm grayson making it the first storm named after a child throwing a tantrum in line at whole foods. laughter jon whoa stephen calm down, grayson, or know kale when we get home laughter jon discipline stephen and right now grayson is throwing a tantrum because extreme drops in barometric pressure have led to conditions resembling a winter hurricane, or what meteorologists call explosive cyclogenesis. laughter which is also the name of my latest progrock album. laughter applause but basically a yes. Jon yes. Stephen were a yes cover band. laughter but other people are using the even more intense term, bomb cyclone which is the name of the marijuana strain you should smoke while listening to explosive cyclogenesis. I cant even say it. Jon ha. Stephen this storm is causing havoc all over the country. This week, snow fell in florida it was so cold that the state may never be the same. laughter let that sink in. Let that sink in. Should we have animated shriveling up . I dont know. No, why not . laughter now grayson has moved further off the east coast than expected, possibly because it didnt want to compete with the bleep storm in washington d. C. , thanks to all the juicy revelations in the new book about the trump presidency, fire and fury. Not to be confused with omarosas new book, fired and furious. laughter piano riff shes mad. Not happy. Yesterday, we got primo poop from former white house chief strategist and expired hamburger meat that wished to be a real boy, steve bannon. Remember that meeting at trump tower between jared, manafort, don jr. And that russian lawyer . They dont. But bannon does. And he says, it was treasonous. audience oohing oh, no, i agree with steve bannon that old gypsy was right. And remember, trump denied any knowledge of this russia meeting but bannon said, the chance that don jr. Did not walk these jumos up to his Fathers Office of the 26 floor is zero. Which is same chance that theres a word jumo. laughter i dont know what it means. You guys ever heard of jumo . Jon no. Stephen i think it might be spanish for maga jon i dont know what jumo is. Stephen this made trump lose his. Lets say, mind. He fired a vicious statement claiming bannon had nothing to do with me or my presidency. Again, thats bannon, seen here with trump in the oval office, having nothing to do with them. That doesnt prove anything. I was just renting him space in the white house for his popup halloween store. He doesnt have any influence over me. Other than being my chief political strategist and convincing me to support an accused child molester. For senate. laughter of course, the white house has called everything in the book a lie, but yesterday trumps lawyer sent bannon a cease and desist letter, and accused him of violating an agreement that prevented him from disclosing confidential information. Which is it . Is he lying, or disclosing confidential information . Steve, you promised youd never tell anyone about those terrible things you saw me not do. laughter remember . And bannon caught holy hell from his own supporters. In the last 24 hours, candidates he endorsed abandoned him, he lost his biggest billionaire donor, even the altright is turning its back on steve bannon. Its true. Theyre so embarrassed of him that a lot of the altright has started covering their faces with hoods. laughter jon whoa stephen yeah, they dont want to be seen. Turn out the lights, Walking Around with torches. Theyre just so embarrassed. piano riff now, remember, Mitch Mcconnell and bannon have been butting heads, with bannon claiming he was going to take mcconnell down. This year. Well, yesterday, on his twitter feed, mcconnell proved he was having the last laugh, or at least the last creepy smile. laughter thats either pure schadenfreud, or someones feeding a turtle. Here comes the lettuce. laughter applause piano riff of course, its not just bannon. This book is loaded with the dish, including details of donald and melanias bedroom habits. Dont change channels its not what you dont want to think. It turns out that the president and the first lady have separate bedrooms, the first first couple to do so since john and jackie kennedy. Meaning donald trump has had just as much sex as j. F. K. Has had in the past year. laughter but if youre concerned that the president might have a mistress, dont worry. Apparently, every night, if trump was not having his 6 30 dinner with steve bannon, he was in bed by that time with a cheeseburger. laughter im going to hope, eating it. laughter piano riff mmm, mmm, i love you, hamburger. Whats that . laughter ahhh laughter audience reacts what . hes just licking off the special sauce audience reacts jon oh stephen hey, get your mind out of the drivethrough. Now, believe it or not and this will shock some of you the guy who eats mcdonalds in bed tends to make a mess. Staff were instructed to not clean up after trump, who said, if my shirt is on the floor, its because i want it on the floor. Dont touch my floorshirts. There might be some leftover cheeseburger in there. laughter so how did the author of this book, journalist michael wolff, get such access . From the president himself. Wolff says, after the election, i proposed to trump that i come to the white house and report an inside story for later publication. Journalistically, as a fly on the wall, id like to just watch and write a book. a book . he responded, losing interest. i hear a lot of people want to write books. i wrote one just the other day, maybe youve heard of it . Its called mad libs and its about a bumpy clown going to a slimy wedding. Pretty spooky stuff. Today in the White House Press briefing, everyone was eager to hear the white house response to this book, but first there was a very special episode of the huckasanders propaganda variety hour. We have a message from a special guest that id like to share with you. Ill ask you to tune in to the screens, and then ill continue from there. Thank you for being with us today. Stephen hes appearing on video even though hes 50 feet down the hallway. I have a message for the White House Press corps the call is coming from inside the house get out of there laughter get out cheers and applause im dizzy from the stupid. laughter and it continued with trump playing on two screens behind her. Isnt it bad enough that we have to watch this guy on tv . Why do we have to watch him on tv on tvs . Its dictator behavior. But if youre going to do it, at least use it to give Sarah Huckabee sanders answers some context. The president s economic agenda of lower taxes, less regulation and more opportunity for all is already paying off, and American Families and workers are the big winners. With that in mind, we have a message from a special guest that id like to share with you. These are all lies. We say lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie thank you, mr. President. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Curtis 50 cent jackson is here, but when we come back , marijuana stick around cheers and applause band playing when you filter out the bad. 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Im talking about Stephen Colberts midnight confessions, all right . cheers and applause i know christmas is over but, remember, january 6 is the feast of the epiphany. Thats the 12th day of christmas, when the wise men show up with the gold, the frankincense, the myrrh and the novelty book. Jon the book, yes. laughter stephen folks, we have bad news for folks who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff. Of course, im talking about all the money states are making off legal marijuana. Because, today, their buzz was shackled by attorney general, and gnome on your blacklight poster whos going to narc on you, Jeff Sessions. Today, sessions rescinded an obamaera policy that paved the way for legalized marijuana to flourish. My roommate in college made it flourish with a lamp in our closet. Come on, jeff. Youre the states rights guy would it help if they smoked the weed out of a rolledup Confederate Flag . This new directive from sessions can mean only one thing he still doesnt know that white people smoke pot, too. We cant expose our delicate young ladies to the jazz mans reefah stick. I said good day, sir laughter beauregard, bring the horses around laughter im paraphrasing, obviously. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen states who have legalized pot are surprisingly mellow about the news. In fact, the u. S. Attorney in colorado says there will be no change to marijuana enforcement despite sessions shift on pot policy. Wait, pot just got recriminalized and smokers are less paranoid . Whats next . Theyve had enough little debbies swiss cakes . But the republicans opponents arent taking this sitting down on the couch in the basement. Like independent senator and man watching a dog play electric guitar, bernie sanders. Sanders was critical of treating pot smokers as criminals, saying, marijuana isnt heroin. Its true, marijuana is not heroin. And for the record, senator sanders, a spoon is not a comb. laughter applause jon wow. A spoon is not a comb stephen but, come on, sessions knows marijuana isnt heroin. Because hes on the record, saying marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin. Yes, theyre very close. Take heroin, youll die. Smoke marijuana and you will die laughing at Jeff Sessions. laughter but who knows if this will even last because a 12yearold colorado girl who takes medical marijuana for seizures is already suing Jeff Sessions and the d. E. A. cheers and applause and, oh, mr. Sessions, you do not want to mess with a 12yearold girl. Shes probably twice your height and shes on that demon weed. Watch out well be right back with noted pot opponent, curtis 50 cent jackson cheers and applause band playing if you could see your cough, youd see all the sickness youre spreading. Robitussin cf max. Nothing lasts longer and treats more symptoms for your cough, cold and flu. elevator bell ringing robitussin cf max severe. Because its never just a cough. Robitwe cantwhy . Y here . Flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show my first guest tonight is a grammyaward winning rapper, actor and entrepreneur who has sold over 30 million albums. Please welcome curtis 50 cent jackson cheers and applause band playing stephen nice to meet you. Happy to be here. Stephen happy to have you. Help me out with something here. I hope you will be patient with me because, obviously, im not cool on all. So i cant call you fitty. Wouldnt be proper, but if i call you 50 cent, im going to seem way too square. So im thinking maybe halfdollar jackson. Thats just for me and you, stephen. Stephen mr. Halfdollar jackson over there. Sharon osbourne gave me that nickname, fitty cent. Stephen she gave you fity . Aid, its 50cent. She said fity cent, an its been that ever since. Stephen your name is that because of an english accent . Fitty cent. Stephen wow, i didnt know that. So they say, are you fitty cent . Im, like, are you serious . Stephen so movie, den of thieves, youre curtis in this, right . Yeah, i put curtis 50 cent jackson, so people wouldnt expect what they expect from me as a musical artist. Stephen is there difference in the personality between Curtis Jackson and your persona as 50 cent . Well, Curtis Jackson is my grandmothers baby. Thats when i clean up. Stephen can you show me . Heres curtis. And heres 50. Stephen thats done. Thats an artist. Youre an artist with that face of yours. Thats really good. Listen, its the first time meeting you, but, like, there is so much to know about you because youre everywhere. You have music, tv, movies, endorsements and obviously your first album, get rich and die trying, sold 1 million copies, five studio albums, got a grammy. Youre executive producer and star of the tv series power. E. P. And host of Comedy Series and invested in vitamin water to casper mattresses. Heres the thing, that suit and your resume tells me youre a tycoon. This is the casper mattress doing good suit. cheers and applause stephen thats right. Hey, theyre advertising a lot of podcasts, casper mattress. Trump is also from queens. I felt funny when you said that. Stephen but youre two tycoons, two guys made good from queens. Is he like your friends you knew in the neighborhood . I didnt know so many new things have come out about donald since hes been the president of america. Stephen weve learned a lot. To be honest, i think its by accident. When something happens by accident, youre not prepared for it. I think he was trying to get a great renegotiation for the apprentice. audience reacts stephen so he just wanted to go back to nbc and say he wanted to lose the presidency, he didnt want the job. Stephen thats what the book says. Yeah, then when you win youre, like, what the bleep . Somehow ive got to be the president . laughter applause yeah, man. Stephen yeah, that was my reaction, too. laughter he does things and i recognize the things why hes doing them. Stephen recognize what . Recently he was saying Something Like i got a bigger you know, i got a bigger stephen button. Yeah, nuclear button. Thats, like, stuff you do in the neighborhood. Like, if you know somebodys got a problem with you, you will be like, you want a problem . No problem. Hes bluffing. Thats how you bluff. But you dont bluff with the entire world what the bleep you dont do that stephen thats exactly what hes doing. Yeah, yeah. Stephen yes. You dont want that smoke. We dont want that smoke , like, none of us we dont want that to take place but hes, like, i got a Bigger Nuclear button than you thats like saying i got a bigger johnson than yours. Stephen i dont know if we can say johnson on cbs. Can we say johnson . Sure, why not. That was the cleanest version of it i had. cheers and applause stephen thank you. Your grandmother would be proud. She would. Stephen now, lets see, much like the president , you are known for having beefs with people, okay. Beef is not always a bad thing. Stephen okay, how is a beef a good thing . Because i dont want to go over, like, bad history with you, but you were shot nine times. Yeah, that wasnt good. Stephen that was not good. Beef is not always a bad thing. Stephen okay. You need to have even, like, positive competition. Like, whos in your time slot . Stephen its me, jimmy fallon, jimmy kimmel, bobby flay. I dont know. laughter i dont want falo fallon to popp in my as. Hes not going to do it. Stephen hes too nice. They have different strong points in different areas. Stephen oh, sure. When theyre really talented guys watching them, you go, man, bleep jimmy kimmel. cheers and applause stephen thats him, not me. I love you, jimmy. Thats him saying. It say it again. I did his first show i did his first show. laughter applause jon hey ha especially when youre number one in the time slot. Stephen a lot of pressure. You have to create competition so you stay on your game. Stephen do you know who the number one guy is in late night right now . Its you. Thats right. cheers and applause piano riff i Pay Attention to the ratings you know i know. Stephen i got to get me a better suit. What was the other guys name, though . Stephen bobby flay over at the food network. Look, bobby flay is on the food network. Perfect victim. Stephen perfect victim . Food network, cbs. We got way more money at cbs. Stephen but hes got flame and knives. bleep bobby. laughter stephen let me try it now. Say it. bleep bobby. laughter applause what you gonna do, man . Now, what you gonna do, bobby . What you gonna do, bobby . Everybody watching. Stephen nat felt good. That wasnt easy. Youve got to build that muscle. So youre coming from the number one slot. So youre really going like, bleep , bobby. Stay down there, bleep . laughter thats a little different. Stephen see, they dont teach you this in school. Yeah, but its things you pick up along the way, you know. Stephen now, of all the things you do, be beef like nobody else, now youre in this movie den of thieves with Gerard Butler. Yeah, yeah. Stephen okay. Speaking of beef, whos beef are you in, in this . I didnt know which Gerard Butler we were going to get, the Gerard Butler from 300 where hes all the way topped up, or the soft and cuddly Gerard Butler, like that guy, you know. Stephen the romcom. He came somewhere in the middle. Stephen okay. O, cool, i feel like my sexy is safe. laughter stephen we have a clip. Can you explain . I think its you and your daughter. I have five kids in the film in this clip. Any 16yearold daughter is getting ready to go on her sweet 16. Stephen okay, jim. Let me have her for a second. I want to talk to you. Dont worry about it, okay . Were just going to talk. laughter so this is whats up. For the past 16 years, my daughters safety and protection has been my responsibility and my responsibility only. Now for the first time in her life, i see ive got to hand you that responsibility. Dont bleep up. cheers and applause stephen den of thieves is in theaters january 19th. Curtis 50 cent jackson halfdollar jackson, everybody back with Rachel Brosnahan cheers and applause band playing with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. discover card. In the lincoln continental. I justis this for real . Match, yep. We match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year, automatically. Whoo i got my money hard to contain yourself, isnt it . Uh huh let it go whoo get a dollarfordollar match at the end of your first year. Only from discover. New puppy . New food, but theres so many choices at petsmart, we have the largest in store selection of blue buffalo pet food, including puppy solutions which are specifically formulated to support healthy growth and development. From grain free to meat rich recipes, wet food and even puppy training treats. Petsmart and blue buffalo have got you covered. And now, when you spend 50 on blue buffalo puppy products at petsmart, youll save 10 why shop anywhere else . Petsmart. For the love of pets. With expedia, you can book a flight, then add a hotel, and save. Everything you need to go. Expedia cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show already in progress. cheers and applause folks, youve seen my next guest in house of cards and the blacklist. Shes now nominated for a golden globe as the marvelous mrs. Maisel. So my life completely fell apart today. Did i mention that my husband left me . Woohoo all right, but did i mention he left me for his secretary . whistling shes 21 and dumb as a brillo pad. Im not naive. I know men like stupid girls, right . But i thought joel wanted more than stupid. I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit. I thought ehe wanted to be challenged, you know what i mean . Uh you two are going to be together forever. Stephen please welcome Rachel Brosnahan cheers and applause band playing i get my own mug and everything. Stephen everything. cheers and applause well, welcome to the show. Thank you stephen first of all, we talked about this briefly backstage. Congratulations. This show just came on and youre nominated for a golden globe on sunday. Thats wonderful cheers and applause thank you very much. Stephen how does that feel . Its pretty cool. Also, we poured our hearts and souls, a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this show. Its nice when people like stuff as much as you do. Stephen sure. It really hurts your feelings when they dont. I wouldnt know. laughter stephen okay, so how did you find out . Its always fun. I remember the first time i was nominated for an emmy, i forgot and found out. Its such a wonderful surprise. How did you find out . Well, i was very asleep. It was earl le. Stephen okay. And my dog made a noise and i woke up and had lovely Text Messages and tweets on the twitterer. Stephen were your parents excited for you and everything . They were very excited. My dad was a little disappointed in me because i was asleep, in his defense, an his assistant told me and i did not. Ill probably never be forgiven for that one. Stephen he was mad because he didnt find out from you. I think so. Stephen he recovered, i hope. I hope so. Stephen daddy, forgive her. Its getting great refuse. Who was mrs. Maisel. Well, currently shes still with us on the show. Stephen i thought she was a real woman. No. Stephen thats how convincing your performance is. So midge maisel is a young jewish housewife in the 50s in new york and her whole life suddenly falls apart when her husband leaves her and she ends up trying her hand at standup comedy. Stephen had you ever done standup comedy before youd done this . No, no, no. Stephen are you tempted, now that youve done this, to give it a shot . No. No. Absolutely not. Stephen why not . Because i would be so traumatized. Amy doesnt remember this, our creator, but she said early on that eshed give it a go, that she would write something for me to give me the experience. Stephen and go do a gig at a club or something. Go do a gig at a club and she would write it so i wouldnt have to write my own jokes. Honestly, i thought i would be so traumatized, had it gone badly, an lets be real, it probably would have. Stephen its never gone badly for you before. Well, i dont want to find out. I wouldnt ever have been able to do it on this show. So the answer is no. Stephen well, how did you so if you hadnt done standup before, i know youre a very accomplished actress, how did you get the gig . Were there were you up against standups or anything . I assume so. They dont tell me those things. I dont know. Well, the thing, is i think her standup, especially in the first couple of episodes, is more like a prolonged mental breakdown. Stephen okay. And although maybe standup is like that, i wouldnt know. laughter but, i mean, a little or stephen you dont go on a comedy because you had a happy childhood. Very true from what i hear. Stephen so it takes place in new york in the 1950s. Yeah. Stephen you went to school in new york, i heard . Yeah, i did. I we want to nyu. Stephen do you wish you lived in the 50s new york when you see it . Because i kind of do. Yes and no. I mean, the clothes, at least as they are on our show, theyre extraordinary. Theyre so beautiful, and we dont dress like that anymore. But i also thank god because it takes an entourage to use the bathroom with all of the corset and the petticoats. Its challenging to be a woman then, and now, but in a different way. Stephen ill take your word for it. Thank you. Stephen were you a rebellious kid . Were your parents worried about you in new york . Where are you from originally . North of chicago, highland park. Stephen i lived in chicago for seven years. I know highland park. A lovely area. It is. Stephen were they worried about their little girl in the big city with the tattoos and the piercings . Im sure they were. They didnt totally let on. I hid my rebellion very well from them in high school. So they didnt know. But i did immediately get my nose pierced when i got to new york. They werent thrilled. Stephen no. When thighed did they find out . When i went home for thanksgiving. Stephen did they think it was a joke . No, no, they did not. Stephen which disappointed your father more, not being called about the Golden Globes or the earring in your nose . Definitely the Golden Globes. I dont think ill ever recover from that one. Stephen lovely to meet you. Thank you for being here, rachel. The marvelous mrs. Maisel is on amazon. Rachel brosnahan, everybody well be right back with comedian gary vider. cheers and applause band playing im lucky to get through a shift without a disaster. My bargain detergent couldnt keep up. So, i switched to tide pods. Theyre super concentrated, so i get a better clean. Number one trusted. Number one awarded. Its got to be tide but on the inside, i feel like chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. Common side effects dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family. Talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. Keep it comin love. Keep it comin love. Dont stop it now, dont stop it no. Dont stop it now, dont stop it. Keep it comin love. Keep it comin love. Dont stop it now, if you keep on eating, well keep it comin. All you can eat riblets and tenders at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Cbs presented by target. Art and history spark connections across cultures, igniting curiosity, conversation, and inspiration. Thats why target supports the Asian Art Museum in san francisco. The asian museum is here to make asian arts and culture relevant. The reality is we all have a story to tell. Its what makes us who we are. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. cheers and applause band playing charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin depend silhouette briefs. Feature a comfortable sleek fit. As a dancer, ive learned you cant have any doubts. Because looking good on stage is one thing. But real confidence comes from feeling good out there. Get a coupon at depend. Com cheers and applause band playing stephen oh, sorry. They caught me. I was just taking a little nap. My next guest is a comedian making his Network Late Night debut. Please welcome gary vider cheers and applause band playing thank you guys. Thank you. You guys seem like nice people. Im a pretty nice person myself. Ive never been in a fight before. My entire life, ive not gotten in any fights. Im you be defeated. I was close to getting in the a fight recently. I was at a bar that was very busy. A guy walked right into me, stepped on my sneakers. Naturally, my reflexes kicked in, i apologized. I said im sorry. He must not have heard. He pushed me, ripped off his shirt and said, what, you think youre hard . I said now i am. I didnt expect this to happen. laughter im not a tough guy. But as a guy, youre supposed to be tough. I had this girl ask me, she goes, its late at night, i live in a rough neighborhood. Do you mind walking me home . Sure, as long as you dont mind walk meg home right after that. laughter what does she expect . Im 56. This is it. This is my body. There are not many options for short people. I saw a commercial for these things, theyre shoe inserts that make you 3 inches taller. In a commercial they show a guy 56 talking about a girl. She wouldnt have anything to do with him. In the next scene, they showed what would have happened if he had max talls. She would have had sex with him. Thats quite the turn of events. Thats it. Thats the entire commercial. laughter theyre, like, its smooth sailing from here. But i thought about it. Its not. Because once he gets her in bed, hes going to have to take off his max talls. laughter and theres going to be an uncomfortable moment when she says to him, where are your legs . laughter im married. I have been married for about a year. My wife told me oh, thank you, guys. My wife told me she googled signs your marriage is in trouble, which is a pretty big sign our marriage is in trouble. laughter its tough being married. New rules pop up all the time. Pretty sure she makes it up as shes going along. The other night, i got home at 11 00. Caused a fight because i told her i would be back by 10 00. So now i overestimate a little. Before coming here shes, like, when are you coming back . I was, like, february. laughter we watched football together the other weekend. During the game, my wife sees tom brady. She goes i dont find tom brady very attractive. My wife couldnt see the beauty in tom brady, but she could see the beauty in me. laughter it was at that moment i knew she could not be trusted. laughter applause we have a neighbor, hes not very bright. We had a blackout six weeks ago. My entire street lost power. During the blackout, he tweets on his iphone its like the 1800s over here. I have no electricity. laughter he tweeted that. On his iphone. I feel like some of you are having a hard time following. laughter the only way it would be like the 1800s is if i walked out of my apartment and a guy on a horse trotted up to me and handed me a note that said, its like the 1800s over here. laughter i have no electricity. P. S. , i think i have smallpox. laughter yeah, that neighbors not bright. He was in denver not too long ago. Called me when he was there. He goes, gary, i went to a marijuana dispensary, i bought 50 Sour Patch Kids with marijuana in them. But im flying back to new york tomorrow. You smoke a lot of pot, you fly a lot. Do you know how i get these past security . I was, like, go to a convenience store, buy a pocks of regular Sour Patch Kids, transfer the ones with marijuana in them into the regulars box and you will have no problem. The next day he calls and goes, gary, im back in new york with the Sour Patch Kids. Thanks for letting me know i could do that. I said, no. Thanks for letting me know i could do that. laughter applause thank you guys stephen you can see gary regularly at the comedy cellar here in new york. Gary vider, everybody stephen hey thats it for the late show, everybody glj tune in tomorrow when my guest will be Neil Degrasse tyson. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause band playing are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from muskegon, michigan, give it up for your